More threads by kaht


My best friend "Kay" had not long turned 30 when last May she had an anneurism and died after being in a coma for a week. She was like my sister; 18 months earlier I had been matron of honour at her wedding. I've never had many friends; in fact between '95 and '01, I had NO friends bar my then husband at the time, but then I met Kay and my whole life changed. I'm Avoidant and have had some awful experiences of social phobia. I've had a fair few experiences in life that might condition the most stalwart social butterfly to not trust people, but I may never have been social in any case.:peek: Kay saw beyond my social awkwardness though and reached her hand and heart into the middle of my 'shyness', from where she retrieved me and walked me into the warm glowing world of her acceptance, validation, understanding, encouragement, sisterly love and friendship.

She knew a lot of other people and was so outgoing and well-liked, so my circle of acquaintances grew quite large just by virtue of hanging out with her. She'd often ask why I didn't work on building friendships with some of the other girls, but I always told her that she was the only one I needed and, whilst it was OK to hang out with the others when we were all together socially, I felt most comfortable with having just her as a close friend. So I never built strong foundations on the other relationships. Of course, if you put all your eggs in one basket, you run the risk of losing everything with just one unmaneuverable bump in the road...which I have.

In the 8 months since Kay passed on I've kept very much to myself other than having to be present in the social life my partner introduces into our home and lives. I guess I've been coasting along in a sort of bubble of grief and, to be honest, I'm extremely reticent about opening myself up again to the same degree as I did with Kay. Why should I run the risk again of letting someone in and then have them abandon me? I know she didn't ask to die, but I still feel abandoned. My aunt (who was, for all intents and purposes, much more like my mother) died back in 2000 and I similarly felt like one of the only people at the time who had ever understood me had left me. Now it's happened again.

Kay's other friends with whom I never really connected have had a flurry of events lately that I've been invited to; New Year's Day lunch, babys' 1st birthdays, Weddings...that sort of thing. On each occasion I've felt very much as though my invitation was a token gesture, as none of them have really gone out of their way when I've shown up to interact with me much or make me feel like I've been missed. I don't know whether this is my old social insecurity raising it's head again or if that really is the state of affairs. All I do know for sure is that, once again, I feel like I'm on the outside; like I don't fit in and it makes me question myself and criticise my social ineptitude. I feel inadequate and each time have returned home to bawl my heart out for hours. Interacting with them really feels unhealthy for me and it stokes the fires of my grief because their attempts at 'friendship' are such a stark contrast to Kay's.

I'm at the point where I honestly just want to say to one of them that I appreciate them thinking of me when they invite me along, but it's just too much of a painful reminder of Kay's glaring absence when I'm with them and that I want to leave behind that chapter in my life and move on. I don't want any more to do with any of them because it doesn't feel like their invitations are coming from a genuine place. When I had to politely decline an invitation to a birthday dinner last week due to other arrangements, I actually had one girl say that it was OK I couldn't make it, but she just hadn't wanted me to feel left out. Ironically, it's when I do accept and socialise with them that I feel MOST left out!

So, I don't really know why I'm writing all this here except that I just met up with them all again yesterday for a bridal lunch and I feel so horrible inside that I need to get it out. :banghead: I'm proud to say I did start a couple of conversations and make a bit of an effort right at the beginning, but it didn't take long before I was feeling so excluded; I was left to sit by myself; no-one returned the effort to connect with me. From now on I want to stay at home and be what we term here in Australia a "Norma No-Mates". I want everyone to leave me alone and for it to just be OK for once for me to be a hermit without someone intervening on my behalf as though being alone is such an unhealthy thing. Maybe some of us weren't born with that so-called adaptive need to be social animals. Maybe some of us can actually survive a lifetime without people in our space and face. I have my partner and her kids and that's enough for me, but it scares me silly that I'll lose her too...that my whole social universe only ever revolves around one bright star instead of a galaxy of them...and that it always seems to be those bright stars that the universe calls back home first.

I'm so angry with the universe/god/life/Kay/u-name-it that just when I finally felt like I belonged and felt like I could be me and that wasn't a crime, that my truest friend was taken from me.
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I am sorry for your loss

How you are feeling is understandable,you are grieving the loss of a very dear friend/confidant and during the grieving process we go through different stages.
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

How we move through these stages is so individual,at our own time and pace.

Losing such a good friend does take away some of your self security,because you think you can never replace her,there will be no one like your friend Kay,but when you are ready,someone else will come into your life,where you will feel secure to share again.

Don't rush yourself,work through your feelings one at a time as they come.Remember that we don't all move with a crowd,taking time for your family and yourself is OK

People move through our lives as we need them,they share with us,teach us and then sometimes move on.We grieve the loss,but then we come to a point where we realize that their love and friendship was a wonderful gift to be shared with others.
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