Torn

[Debra]

I have been seperated and divorced for about 8 yrs and have an 11 yr old son with my Ex- husband. I was the one who initiated the divorce so my Ex isn't to this day very happy with the situation to this day. I have gone back a number of times to try to make it work but it just doesn't. My ex still lives in the house, I chose to move. We have Joint custody of my Son, although my ex is considered the primary per the courts. I am not a bad person, parent or Mother, it was a decision made by the judge years ago based on asking my son, 3 yrs old at the time, where he wanted to live. Of course, he said "My House", thus the decision was made. I always thought that was a very unfair way to go about it. Anyway, I am still having issues with my son coming to my home and staying overnight. He loves his house and is very much a homeboy. Our house was(is) one of those homes where the kids come to hang out, which is not a bad thing. My ex works a day job and three nights during the week, sometimes on the weekend. He is not encouraging my son to stay with me or communicating with me at all when it comes to my son unless I ask questions. So, instead of my son coming over to my place, I go to the house when his father is not there or has to work to take care of and be with my son. In being at the house I also wind up cleaning, doing wash, taking care of whatever needs to be. Not that I mind but all this running back and forth is exhausting, sometimes stressful and I miss my Son when he is not with me. I miss spending quality time with him at night or mornings when he should be with me at my home. I know the going back and forth can be hard for children but its also very hard when the ex is not supportive and still balmes me for everything. Now the holidays and I am torn. My boyfriend, which my son does like, wants me to visit his family with him on Christmas day. My son wants me to come to the house. I told my son and his father that I will be there in the morning to watch him open his gifts but I will have to leave in the afternoon. Although he seems okay with it, he still, of course, looks disappointed that I will not be there all day. I've offered him to come with me, which I would love more than anything since his father's side of the family celebrates Christmas Eve. But I know my son will refuse and then I will feel horrible for leaving and I will not enjoy my day as happens alot of times for me because of this situation. With no help from his father who I think and has said a few times, he wishes me misery and gets satisfaction out of seeing me miserable. Ive tried different things over and over, the best that I can, to make this situation the best that it can be considering the situation. With no help form his father makes it that much difficult. And there is not talking to his father, I have tried. He gets very defensive, then angry, doesn't want to listen and then it ends up in a big nasty fight which I do not want to experience anymore. I even have to call the house constantly to find out things that have to do with my son......this whole situation is getting very draining where its starting to effect me physically, emotionally and mentally.
Am I making this out to be more than it is? Am I putting too much on myself? What do I do about Christmas Day? I am the one who is always going out of my way, putting myself last, trying to make everyone happy....

Thank you,
Debra

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think it would be ok for you to go to your boyfriend's house. Your son knows you love him and he will be ok. Take this step and try to enjoy yourself.

I think you do put too much stuff on yourself. I don't think you need to be cleaning and doing things at his house unless it is for your son. I know this is easy for me to say, but you sound so stressed out. Putting yourself last is catching up with you.

Are you in counseling now? Some counseling to help with boundaries would be good.

 

[Debra]

Thank you for responding. The cleaning ,etc. that I do at the house, yes it is for my Son. Because of guilt I used to try to be there or do things for his Father but that never seem to do any good for anyone or anything and he remained the same, wishing on me "Misery" so I finally gave up. I spoke with my boyfriend before and he said to do whatever I felt was right or what I wanted to do for Christmas and not to worry so much about it. He said he would be disappointed but he would understand. He always does understand. Counseling? No. I have tried it in the past more than once and even was told by one of the counselors that I didn't need it. I just didn't feel comfortable with it, it wasn't for me. I just want my son to be happy and to spend more time with me. Anytime he has in the recent past, he always enjoys himself and doesn't want to leave. Its getting him to that point whcich is difficult. And as I said , with no help from his father. He is a happy kid don't get me wrong. Grades are good. I miss him alot. We are very close and when we are apart we talk on the phone alot but its not the same as spending time together. Well, I guess I will try to deal with things day by day again. Hopefully we will all be happier someday and one big happy family. I don't know what else to do but hope and pray. I've exhausted all the options I know of.

Debra

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm sorry that your ex wishes misery on you. That seems so cruel, especially since you're the mother of his son.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can do to make things better and your son loves you very much. I really hope things will get better for you and I wish I could think of something more helpful to say.

 

[HA]

Hi Debra,

Divorce is a difficult situation but I feel that a divorce is better than two people staying together where there is no mutual love and lots of negative emotions.

Children always wish that their parents will get back together and become a "family" again as things used to be. I think your son would have more difficulty with coming to terms with this wish not coming true if you continue to blend your life with your son and ex-husband as if you are not really divorced.

I think it would be easier on all of you if you maintained your home as the place to visit with your son as his home too and he has is dads home with his dad. When parents divorce you have two separate lives and two separate homes. It's time to live your life as it should be....an *ex* wife in your own home with your own life.

I would invite your son for Christmas at *your* home. If he declines then that is his choice but I would not have Christmas with his dad and him at their home. Let your son decide when he would like to come to your house to open the gifts or if he would rather you dropped them off for Christmas morning if he chooses not to come with you.

I divorced my daughters father when she was 12 and it took a couple of years before she would except that it was the way it was and her wish of us becoming a family again was not going to happen. I had told her that I loved her dad as a person but not as a husband and that helped her to understand. I never said a negative word about her father and although he never wanted to see me miserable (how awful for you and your son) there were times when he did not function as well as what I felt a father should. He never gave presents for birthdays ect and although I did try and make sure that he saw Lisa often I stopped organizing it or being concerned about the what and hows of what he did.

I had come to the realization that you cannot control another persons life or behaviour even though you think it will be best for your children. You have to live your life as best you can with your sons best interest at heart and what will be, will be as far as his fathers behaviour is concerned. Perhaps once you really live your *own* life he will see the errors in his ways eventually. The best you can do is to communicate to him how his negative behaviour or talk about you does nothing more than harm his son far more than it harms you.

Today we have a really good working relationship for the sake of our very ill son who is now 26 and his sister who is 23 but it took a lot of patience on my part. Wow, time sure does fly.

All the best and
Merry Christmas

 

[Debra]

Janet, thank you so much for your reply, that was help in itself. By the way, your pictures are beautiful.
Have a very happy holiday and New Year.

Heartart, Thank you also for your reply. I am getting to the point where I'm not trying as hard when it comes to my Ex. However he wants to live his life is fine with me, I just wish him health and happiness. All I would want from him when it comes to my son is some support and better communication. I've tried everything. He is just very angry and bitter re: the divorce. And I did everything in his favor...gave him everything, I except no money, nothing, I just try to help with the house as much as I can for my Son's sake. Its taking a very long time but I do believe things will work out for everyone. I also like what you said about how you feel about your ex in explaining it to your daughter. I said similiar words to my Son about how I feel about his father. I think my Son is understanding more now and excepting little by little. I am very sorry to hear that your Son is ill. I wish you all the best and I hope you and your family have a very Happy, Healthy Holiday and New Year.
Thank you,
Debra