I haven't allowed myself to be under the microscope for some time. And, I've tried to resolve this issue on my own and the result is the same. My trust in my therapist as with most people in my life is "in the moment" when I'm most overwhelmed/vulnerable. Briefly, I was molested by a female teenager when I was 7; my mom was a very dominant figure in my life, but she was not a demonstrative person. I feared her and did my best to keep her calm and happy by not telling her things that were going on in my life. Several suicide attempts, diagnosis of bipolar were never discussed. My mother could not handle imperfections and flaws even though she was greatly flawed. After two female shrinks, I switched to male psychologists and did much better. My father was the nuturing parent. He left when I was 3. While I saw him sporadically over the years, I always knew that he loved me. When my last male psychologist retired, he recommended a colleague of his who was a woman. He felt it was time that I started dealing with my fear of women.
So, here I am several years later. I like her because she's tough but caring. She calls me on things but she doesn't rub my nose in crap. Part of my problem is that a lot of my issues with my mother keep getting in the way and I feel like I'm seeing my mom at times. I realize that transference is normal. Yet, I find myself holding back and faking that I'm doing well when at times I'm hurting because I don't want to hurt her feelings. My mother died 4 years ago and my life has been hellious. Between working full-time, raising a teenager, and dealing with my husband and my issues, I'm emotionally spent. I'm a pretty tough person and I compartmentalize a good part of my world. I'm not a wimpy woman. I'm a fighter. Females scare the hell out of me. I've encountered a tremendous amount of hostility from them since elementary school. I don't trust 90% of them. I'm trying to work past all of this. As long as I'm in the driver's seat, I can deal with them. However, when I'm in the passenger seat, I'm ready to run. I like my therapist, I just don't want to be dependent upon her. I need to count on myself. How can I protect myself and trust this woman?
So, here I am several years later. I like her because she's tough but caring. She calls me on things but she doesn't rub my nose in crap. Part of my problem is that a lot of my issues with my mother keep getting in the way and I feel like I'm seeing my mom at times. I realize that transference is normal. Yet, I find myself holding back and faking that I'm doing well when at times I'm hurting because I don't want to hurt her feelings. My mother died 4 years ago and my life has been hellious. Between working full-time, raising a teenager, and dealing with my husband and my issues, I'm emotionally spent. I'm a pretty tough person and I compartmentalize a good part of my world. I'm not a wimpy woman. I'm a fighter. Females scare the hell out of me. I've encountered a tremendous amount of hostility from them since elementary school. I don't trust 90% of them. I'm trying to work past all of this. As long as I'm in the driver's seat, I can deal with them. However, when I'm in the passenger seat, I'm ready to run. I like my therapist, I just don't want to be dependent upon her. I need to count on myself. How can I protect myself and trust this woman?