More threads by Jesse910

I haven't allowed myself to be under the microscope for some time. And, I've tried to resolve this issue on my own and the result is the same. My trust in my therapist as with most people in my life is "in the moment" when I'm most overwhelmed/vulnerable. Briefly, I was molested by a female teenager when I was 7; my mom was a very dominant figure in my life, but she was not a demonstrative person. I feared her and did my best to keep her calm and happy by not telling her things that were going on in my life. Several suicide attempts, diagnosis of bipolar were never discussed. My mother could not handle imperfections and flaws even though she was greatly flawed. After two female shrinks, I switched to male psychologists and did much better. My father was the nuturing parent. He left when I was 3. While I saw him sporadically over the years, I always knew that he loved me. When my last male psychologist retired, he recommended a colleague of his who was a woman. He felt it was time that I started dealing with my fear of women.

So, here I am several years later. I like her because she's tough but caring. She calls me on things but she doesn't rub my nose in crap. Part of my problem is that a lot of my issues with my mother keep getting in the way and I feel like I'm seeing my mom at times. I realize that transference is normal. Yet, I find myself holding back and faking that I'm doing well when at times I'm hurting because I don't want to hurt her feelings. My mother died 4 years ago and my life has been hellious. Between working full-time, raising a teenager, and dealing with my husband and my issues, I'm emotionally spent. I'm a pretty tough person and I compartmentalize a good part of my world. I'm not a wimpy woman. I'm a fighter. Females scare the hell out of me. I've encountered a tremendous amount of hostility from them since elementary school. I don't trust 90% of them. I'm trying to work past all of this. As long as I'm in the driver's seat, I can deal with them. However, when I'm in the passenger seat, I'm ready to run. I like my therapist, I just don't want to be dependent upon her. I need to count on myself. How can I protect myself and trust this woman?
 

Daniel E.

daniel@psychlinks.ca
Administrator
...I feel like I'm seeing my mom at times. I realize that transference is normal. Yet, I find myself holding back and faking that I'm doing well when at times I'm hurting because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

It could help to mention that to your therapist.

Some statistics:

54 percent withheld significant information from their therapist, 42 withheld information related to depressive symptoms and behaviors. Nearly 75 percent said they did so out of shame. Like me, they wanted their therapists to think well of them.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/20699-how-honest-are-you-with-your-therapist.html

Some points by the psychologist and blogger Ryan Howes:

Ryan Howes said:
The typical problem - clients having a difficult time disclosing to their therapist. My typical response - don't fear our (the therapist's) response; we've heard it all before, we entered this field for a reason, we view your personhood and your problem as separate, if we can't take it we shouldn't be in this line of work, etc., etc.

But what Therese and many of you highlight is just as important: it's not only about fear of being rejected by the therapist, it's about the pain of confronting the internal shame. It's looking at a thought/feeling/belief you wish was not there, and in fact hate that it is. It's looking at it, acknowledging its importance and power and putting it into words, which always makes things seem so much more real.

And it's not just saying it in the car alone (which is difficult enough), or to an MD (who can sometimes feel aloof and detached). No, it's saying it to a therapist, who will listen close and not forget and probably want to ask 14 more questions about it to fully understand. The whole process makes it even more real, shines a spotlight on a painful, shameful place, and could become the focal point of your work for God knows how long.

It makes a lot of sense. It's not only fear of rejection that keeps clients from speaking up, it's a very normal, very human resistance to pain. The pain of confronting an issue contaminated with shame, verbalizing it's power and opening it up to investigation. No wonder many avoid it.

But there is a payoff if you do. It's the kind of payoff that can make all this hard work worthwhile. Freedom, understanding and empowerment are often the result of such disclosures. Earned at a high cost with no guarantees, but strong incentives.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/20699-how-honest-are-you-with-your-therapist.html
Ryan Howes said:
I agree with the idea that an unhealthy dependence on a therapist or therapy can cause problems. Handing over control of such important areas of your life is a risky proposition. It goes too far when the client views the therapy or therapist as the only hope for a cure.

But I stop short of agreeing with the idea that all dependence is bad. I think many healthy, helpful courses of therapy include a period where the client depends on the therapist. It can be a corrective experience for them to trust and depend on someone who truly has their best interests in mind. I also believe good therapy eventually works toward the client gaining independence, and any expectation that the client should remain dependent forever is not healthy (nor ethical). The five points shared by Schwartz are not always signs of a bad dependence on therapy, in my opinion. If you'll indulge me, I'll go point by point...

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...ind-a-psychotherapist-that-you-can-trust.html
Let's go back to the "whole point of therapy." Is it getting your therapist to like you? To become her favorite client? To brighten her day and help her feel good about her choice of career? Is that it? OR...is the whole point to resolve your problem? To find relief, healing, growth and acceptance? To experience a deeply understanding, empathic and real relationship in a safe environment? I would imagine it's the latter.

The World's Best Therapy Client - Psychology Today
 
As long as I'm in the driver's seat, I can deal with them. However, when I'm in the passenger seat, I'm ready to run. I like my therapist, I just don't want to be dependent upon her. I need to count on myself. How can I protect myself and trust this woman?
Even when you are in the passenger seat you have access to the emergency brake\hand brake that (usually ) sits between you and the driver. So maybe engage the handbrake, bringing the car to a stop, or maybe ask the driver to pull to the side of the road for a bit and and ask a question or a few, maybe query the direction you are going?

My therapist sometimes reminds me that I am in therapy for me, to help heal me, not my mother, and not her (T). Protecting your therapist feelings can be like sitting in the car, knowing that you are not going in the direction YOU need to be, but afraid of or have maybe forgotten to engage the handbrake.
Maybe you could ask yourself what is it you think she wants\needs from you? ask yourself does she really need you to mind her,. Maybe after you have answered those (or similar) yourself, you can bring those same questions up with her, allow her to tell you that she is capable of taking care of her own needs etc and thereby setting you free to look after your own needs. Which is why you went into therapy in the first place, I would think. :)

I too find that I have issues maintaining, keeping or giving up a little control, after all having control is what allowed me to survive all these years. But I have also learned that hanging onto that control can sometimes block progress. Especially when it involves emotions. Sometimes I reach for but do not engage the handbrake and other times I engage it really fast and hard. Its a work in progress :eek: Takes time and patience. Give and take. Stop and start.

Hope this helps a bit.
 
Nice analogy there AC! 8)

I have some issues with women, too, as I had (and to some degree still have) some issues with my own mom. I can be friendly to them, but I am a bit more stand-offish and don't really let the conversation get any more involved than small talk. I am slowly opening up to some ladies who I think might not be toxic people (finally)... But taking it slowly, fer sure!

I can relate to the "shame" when I want to talk about something but am afraid to come out and say it. Fear of rejection or judgement, ultimately. A couple of times I wrote stuff down and handed it to my therapist to read, because it was too painful for me to say out loud. He is always very supportive.

So if you are too afraid to openly verbalize, try writing it down. 8)
 
Thanks everyone. I do journal and give a copy of same to my therapist. In this way, she does gets to see where I struggle. I like the idea of holding the hand brake. It donned on me that even from the passenger seat, in an emergency, I can reach over and pull it. I'm also realizing that I like women whose personalities are more akin to mine. Given that my therapist is also a strong person, there is a lot of positive stuff that I learn from her in dealing with women in general. And, Daniel thanks for the stats. I tend to be one of those door handler clients at times. My therapist is smart though. At times, she'll remind me of where we left off at the next visit. I'm feeling better. Thank you.
 
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