I need some help determining how to deal with my current relationship.
I've been dating this wonderful guy for a few months now. I never used to believe in love at first sight but the moment we saw each other we both fell madly in love, even though neither of us knew how the other on felt until weeks after we met! For the most part, everything has been great. I used to suffer from depression, anxiety and used to have an eating disorder, but for the past two years I've been totally fine. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is still struggling with depression, despite being on anti-depressants and seeing a psychologist regularly. Which is fine with me - the problem is the way he acts when he gets upset.
I'll just give an idea of his behaviour by explaining a few situations in which he has acted strangely. A couple of times, we will just be talking at his place and suddenly he'll bring something up out of the blue, which is completely unrelated to the conversation we're having. For instance one time it was "you know I hate that (piece of jewellery) you're wearing" and when I asked why he said it was because someone I once dated gave it to me. I was so shocked at the time I didn't say anything for about a minute, but showed I was listening by staying close to him (we were in bed) and stroking his face. Then suddenly he shaked his head and gets up, saying "I can't believe this" and then insisting that I care more about the piece of jewellery than I do about him. I tell him of course I don't, he just took me by surprise, but it's too late, he's already gotten into the state of mind he always does when he's angry and stops listening. Then he begins pacing back and forth, going on and on and on about things I have done wrong or what my actions 'represent' and expressing paranoid thoughts about me. He displays no remorse or even the slightest bit of affection or emotion towards me while he is this way, even though I'm crying my eyes out and telling him I love him and I'm sorry and everything else. Nothing can get him out of the state except time, and usually after a night of sleep he is ok. Then he is always extremely apologetic and says he doesn't want to lose me, and that he is stupid for acting the way he has.
Another time we were out having a beer, and suddenly he just disappeared without warning, and when I called his phone he had turned it off. He sent me a message later simply saying "have fun tonight
". So I go over to his apartment, but he's not answering the buzzer. I return an hour later to see that the curtains have been closed, so I figure now he's home, but he still doesn't answer the buzzer. I go home and he shows up in the morning, apologising and visibly distressed. He says he drank too much and fell asleep.
The most recent time was last week, when we were with lots of friends at a bar, having a great time. I saw he had a packet of cigarettes in his pocket. He told me when we first got together that he used to smoke a lot, but hasn't for ages, and if I ever see him with a cigarette to throw it away. I said I would do that anyway cause I hate smoking and he said that was great, because he never wanted to smoke again. So naturally when I see the packet, I ask him why he has them. And he just looks at me and says "because I'm trying to kill myself, why else would I be smoking" while smiling. I tell him that's not funny, and let it go. Later on he asks me to 'look after these' for me, giving me the packet. I honestly assume he means to throw them out, so I do. Maybe that was stupid, but it was an honest mistake. Later he wanted to go somewhere else, so me and him leave. We get outside and he asks me where his smokes are, and I say "I thought you meant for me to throw them out?". He turns around and walks away from me, in front of a whole bunch of people. I chase him down the road, and he turns around and says a whole bunch of horrible things to me. I'm saying sorry and am clearly upset, but he pays no attention. He turns around again and walks off. I'm so hurt and in shock that I just stand there watching him for three blocks till he rounds the corner. He doesn't turn around once. Again, in the morning he says sorry.
He is so agressive and impossible to communicate when he is this way that I worry both about his mental health and my own. He has hurt me more than anyone ever have but I won't leave him, because I'm madly in love despite his problems. He's a fantastic, loving person but he has emotional problems. He never says it won't happen again, which he explained to me is because he has tried to control it and can't. He's had anger problems in the past. His psychologist told him she thinks he's got schizophrenia but he didn't want to take the tests to be diagnosed.
I would really like to be able to understand him better, and how I could possibly help him. If anyone has been in my situation, or in his, or thinks they know what is happening with him please reply! Any advice is much appreciated, whatever it is.
It might help to explain a bit more about him... he's done a lot of LSD in the past, he's incredibly paranoid (for instance because I shaved my legs after not doing it for a week he thought I was cheating on him!), can be judgemental and one sided in his thinking (for instance he's always talking about absolutes), he's very creative, honest to the point of offending people and intensely interested in the occult and philosophy. Also, has never been at all violent or threatened me in any way.
Thanks so much for reading, any advice and thoughts would be really helpful, thanks.
I've been dating this wonderful guy for a few months now. I never used to believe in love at first sight but the moment we saw each other we both fell madly in love, even though neither of us knew how the other on felt until weeks after we met! For the most part, everything has been great. I used to suffer from depression, anxiety and used to have an eating disorder, but for the past two years I've been totally fine. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is still struggling with depression, despite being on anti-depressants and seeing a psychologist regularly. Which is fine with me - the problem is the way he acts when he gets upset.
I'll just give an idea of his behaviour by explaining a few situations in which he has acted strangely. A couple of times, we will just be talking at his place and suddenly he'll bring something up out of the blue, which is completely unrelated to the conversation we're having. For instance one time it was "you know I hate that (piece of jewellery) you're wearing" and when I asked why he said it was because someone I once dated gave it to me. I was so shocked at the time I didn't say anything for about a minute, but showed I was listening by staying close to him (we were in bed) and stroking his face. Then suddenly he shaked his head and gets up, saying "I can't believe this" and then insisting that I care more about the piece of jewellery than I do about him. I tell him of course I don't, he just took me by surprise, but it's too late, he's already gotten into the state of mind he always does when he's angry and stops listening. Then he begins pacing back and forth, going on and on and on about things I have done wrong or what my actions 'represent' and expressing paranoid thoughts about me. He displays no remorse or even the slightest bit of affection or emotion towards me while he is this way, even though I'm crying my eyes out and telling him I love him and I'm sorry and everything else. Nothing can get him out of the state except time, and usually after a night of sleep he is ok. Then he is always extremely apologetic and says he doesn't want to lose me, and that he is stupid for acting the way he has.
Another time we were out having a beer, and suddenly he just disappeared without warning, and when I called his phone he had turned it off. He sent me a message later simply saying "have fun tonight
". So I go over to his apartment, but he's not answering the buzzer. I return an hour later to see that the curtains have been closed, so I figure now he's home, but he still doesn't answer the buzzer. I go home and he shows up in the morning, apologising and visibly distressed. He says he drank too much and fell asleep.The most recent time was last week, when we were with lots of friends at a bar, having a great time. I saw he had a packet of cigarettes in his pocket. He told me when we first got together that he used to smoke a lot, but hasn't for ages, and if I ever see him with a cigarette to throw it away. I said I would do that anyway cause I hate smoking and he said that was great, because he never wanted to smoke again. So naturally when I see the packet, I ask him why he has them. And he just looks at me and says "because I'm trying to kill myself, why else would I be smoking" while smiling. I tell him that's not funny, and let it go. Later on he asks me to 'look after these' for me, giving me the packet. I honestly assume he means to throw them out, so I do. Maybe that was stupid, but it was an honest mistake. Later he wanted to go somewhere else, so me and him leave. We get outside and he asks me where his smokes are, and I say "I thought you meant for me to throw them out?". He turns around and walks away from me, in front of a whole bunch of people. I chase him down the road, and he turns around and says a whole bunch of horrible things to me. I'm saying sorry and am clearly upset, but he pays no attention. He turns around again and walks off. I'm so hurt and in shock that I just stand there watching him for three blocks till he rounds the corner. He doesn't turn around once. Again, in the morning he says sorry.
He is so agressive and impossible to communicate when he is this way that I worry both about his mental health and my own. He has hurt me more than anyone ever have but I won't leave him, because I'm madly in love despite his problems. He's a fantastic, loving person but he has emotional problems. He never says it won't happen again, which he explained to me is because he has tried to control it and can't. He's had anger problems in the past. His psychologist told him she thinks he's got schizophrenia but he didn't want to take the tests to be diagnosed.
I would really like to be able to understand him better, and how I could possibly help him. If anyone has been in my situation, or in his, or thinks they know what is happening with him please reply! Any advice is much appreciated, whatever it is.
It might help to explain a bit more about him... he's done a lot of LSD in the past, he's incredibly paranoid (for instance because I shaved my legs after not doing it for a week he thought I was cheating on him!), can be judgemental and one sided in his thinking (for instance he's always talking about absolutes), he's very creative, honest to the point of offending people and intensely interested in the occult and philosophy. Also, has never been at all violent or threatened me in any way.
Thanks so much for reading, any advice and thoughts would be really helpful, thanks.
