Hey,
I do feel somewhat guilty for only seeming to post when i have a problem (and therefore i aplogise for this), however i d just feel the need to vent and maybe to seek advice.
(sorry if this makes little sense at parts as i am relatively drunk, though sobering up, at this time - however all the thoughts typed down are not alcohol induced but rather encouraged to be put into the open through it).
i went to the doctor around 2 months ago and, being 17 in the UK, was put on 20mg prozac once per day (Not allowed to give me anything stronger until I am 18 at the end of december 2008). I have decided to see a psychiatrist and am talking to the doctor about it in a few days when i have made an appointment about it with him.
a few things have encouraged me to do this - so i suppose i'll just type them down and attempt to make sense of them instead of these thoughts staying, rather mixed and confusing, in my head.
First of all, lately, i've had constant tboughts of suicide - daydreams, nightmares (though i can't say that these exactly scare me, which is perhaps a bit worrying), plans, etc. I sarted SI about 2 and a half years ago and though i stopped doing it around 1 and a half years ago, and have had only one or two one-day relapses since, i still feel as though i want to do it every single day since. It's like i feel it on the underside of my wrist, waiting, and it's so ****************ing hard to not do it that it drains so much energy just to not give in nevermind not think about it.
also, i just feel so ANGRY all the time. I ALWAYS feel like i want to hurt someone, or myself, it's worrying how a day doesn't go by where i have to keep my temper in check and where i don't want to hurt someone. Not only have i been thinking of hurting myself, i constantly think about or dream about hurting others, or even killing them, causing them pain somehow. It's like i get urges to do this to others and i just want it to stop, but i can't manage to get it out of my head, i have such an impulse to kill or hurt whoever i see. Which is another factor - i can't feel anything the way that others seem to. People i am friends with, my family, my girlfriend. I don't feel anything really for any of them. I might enjoy their company, but if i do something that hurts them i just don't care at all, i'd rather not and i don't do it intentionally, but if it happens then i couldn't care less, i just pretend to in order to manipulate my way to get what i want in some form. I just feel so ****************; i haven't felt happy about anything in years. not properly happy, just pretend happy, like all the other positive emotions i've learned to mimic over the last few years without actually feeling them. i just haven't felt anything akin to happiness, love, anything positive for so long, just anger, sadness(Constantly), despair, hopelessness, i hate it and i don't want it to continue. but it just all feels as though the only way that it will end is to kill myself, and i'm trying as hard as i can not to. i can't sleep, i can't concentrate, i can't get these thoughts out of my head, and everything just feels so pointless. nothing i ever do gives me enjoyment anymore, i'm bored all the time. i can't seem to be interested with anything, and i'm getting so tired of pretending to be fine and pretending to normal and feel what everyone else is feeling when inside i just feel hollow.
anyways, sorry for going on for so long just needed to vent a little, and maybe ask any advice to get my mind off things before going to a therapist.. off to attempt to sleep now, thanks for reading and happy 2008.
I do feel somewhat guilty for only seeming to post when i have a problem (and therefore i aplogise for this), however i d just feel the need to vent and maybe to seek advice.
(sorry if this makes little sense at parts as i am relatively drunk, though sobering up, at this time - however all the thoughts typed down are not alcohol induced but rather encouraged to be put into the open through it).
i went to the doctor around 2 months ago and, being 17 in the UK, was put on 20mg prozac once per day (Not allowed to give me anything stronger until I am 18 at the end of december 2008). I have decided to see a psychiatrist and am talking to the doctor about it in a few days when i have made an appointment about it with him.
a few things have encouraged me to do this - so i suppose i'll just type them down and attempt to make sense of them instead of these thoughts staying, rather mixed and confusing, in my head.
First of all, lately, i've had constant tboughts of suicide - daydreams, nightmares (though i can't say that these exactly scare me, which is perhaps a bit worrying), plans, etc. I sarted SI about 2 and a half years ago and though i stopped doing it around 1 and a half years ago, and have had only one or two one-day relapses since, i still feel as though i want to do it every single day since. It's like i feel it on the underside of my wrist, waiting, and it's so ****************ing hard to not do it that it drains so much energy just to not give in nevermind not think about it.
also, i just feel so ANGRY all the time. I ALWAYS feel like i want to hurt someone, or myself, it's worrying how a day doesn't go by where i have to keep my temper in check and where i don't want to hurt someone. Not only have i been thinking of hurting myself, i constantly think about or dream about hurting others, or even killing them, causing them pain somehow. It's like i get urges to do this to others and i just want it to stop, but i can't manage to get it out of my head, i have such an impulse to kill or hurt whoever i see. Which is another factor - i can't feel anything the way that others seem to. People i am friends with, my family, my girlfriend. I don't feel anything really for any of them. I might enjoy their company, but if i do something that hurts them i just don't care at all, i'd rather not and i don't do it intentionally, but if it happens then i couldn't care less, i just pretend to in order to manipulate my way to get what i want in some form. I just feel so ****************; i haven't felt happy about anything in years. not properly happy, just pretend happy, like all the other positive emotions i've learned to mimic over the last few years without actually feeling them. i just haven't felt anything akin to happiness, love, anything positive for so long, just anger, sadness(Constantly), despair, hopelessness, i hate it and i don't want it to continue. but it just all feels as though the only way that it will end is to kill myself, and i'm trying as hard as i can not to. i can't sleep, i can't concentrate, i can't get these thoughts out of my head, and everything just feels so pointless. nothing i ever do gives me enjoyment anymore, i'm bored all the time. i can't seem to be interested with anything, and i'm getting so tired of pretending to be fine and pretending to normal and feel what everyone else is feeling when inside i just feel hollow.
anyways, sorry for going on for so long just needed to vent a little, and maybe ask any advice to get my mind off things before going to a therapist.. off to attempt to sleep now, thanks for reading and happy 2008.
