Very bitter

[RBM]

I feel very bitter and I guess jealous of people when good things happen to them. I rarely say it to anyone but I reveal in seeing people that have it good have things go bad for them and I will fantasize about bad things happening to people. I usually, or at least start out, basing it on how I think that person would treat me and since I basically think no one has treated me well in life(which is partly true and partly because of having Dependence Personality Disorder) I generally start out not liking people and find joy in misfortunes. The more praise these people get the more bitterness and hatred I have for them.

Before I wasn't really aware of how much I was like this so I never noticed it much, but lately I've realized it more and I don't think it's very good for me. After all it's my feelings so for the most part it's only effecting me. But it's hard to change because 1. It's the way I've been for all my life and it would be a huge change. 2. It's a source of joy, it may not be healthy but anything that makes you happy when you are depressed can make the day easier to get thru. 3. The feelings I have are based in reality, as everyone suffering on this board knows it's really hard to see people succeed at things so easily when it's such a struggle for you and for me that brings up resentment. I feel like I deserve some acknowledgement for how hard it is for me to go thru my problems especially my personality disorders.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

How is it you would like people to acknowledge your struggles, though? How would that be different from having those people pity you? Would you want that?

Have a look at the cognitive behavior therapy resources listed in the "Resources" forum here (top section on the main index page) -- this may help you to identify more specifically what your self-talk consists of and how to challenge and change it.

You're right -- it's not healthy, even if it does make you feel a little better temporarily -- it is also a significant barrier to positve supportive relationships with other people which would help to combat your depression and low self-esteem/negative self-concept.

 

[RBM]

Yes I would want pity, I think I derserve it. I want assistance with my problems like how a blind person or a paralised person get assistance with physical things. The brain is more complicated and just as or more important then any other part of the body yet mine fails and I don't get the assistance I need to act more normal. I'm taking about more from family/friends not government or society in general.

I have done cognitive behavior therapy with Psychologists and I learned many things and it is helpful for me to some extent.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's interesting...

I must admit I'm a little surprised that you would want people to pity you -- sympathy and empathy, yes -- but pity?

 

[free]

it makes perfect sense that you would expect pity from people...pity implies sadness/grief/hurt associated with the feeling of sympathy. it means you'd like others to feel your pain. that's understandable.

in what manner aren't you getting assistance to "act normal"? how are you abnormal?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Perhaps it's just a matter of semantics but, to me, pity has a connotation of looking down on somebody less fortunate than yourself -- including sympathy but having negative connotations...

 

[RBM]

in what manner aren't you getting assistance to "act normal"? how are you abnormal?

With my social problems and building up my self-esteem, particularly because my dependant/avoidant personality disorders makes it all a million times harder for me.

I feel I'm not normal becuase of my mental health problems especially my personality disorders.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I really like this article:

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=477

 

[RBM]

I was actually comforted when I found a label for what I was going thru, to see that I had a specific condition that other people in the world had felt empowering.

It's like my brother in-law, he played drop in hockey and got hit and had a terrible pain in his chest but didn't know what it was. That night he was pressured to go into work but then later went to the hospital and found out he had a punctured lung. So then he had something tangible to tell his boss and himself.

 

[free]

RBM,

you are very courageous. the limitations of those disorders are very difficult to live with. and you are right, most people (almost no one!) understands what it is like.

but remember, don't focus on others too much, don't hope for acceptance and understanding for too long, because chances are, you're not going to find it. focus on getting yourself better. you can.

i've been there. it sucks...but you can make it through.

 

[RBM]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I try to focus on myself but a lot of the time I don't know how.

 

[free]

it is a difficult habit to master. take it one hour at a time.