Want to stop

[texasgirl]

Janet,

I think that all of these suggestions are really good and are consistent with much of what I had to do to stop cutting myself. I did this for years for whatever reasons - reasons I told myself like "it's better than the pain I am dealing with internally", "it relieves the pain", "it doesn't hurt anyway (even though I was lying to myself because I did feel it), etc. etc. etc. At the end of the day, though, it finally occurred to me that much of this behavior was just a really bad habit, one that I couldn't break because I couldn't figure out another way. So I started just like everyone here has said, not doing it that day. I even put a rubber band on my wrist and popped it HARD several times (hurts but doesn't cut) and it helped. Sometimes I slipped up, but I got back on the path. It has been 8 years for me since I last did, and I still get urges now and again, but then I say to myself that this is really stupid for me to do now - and that in some strange way it would be anticlimactic to start again knowing that I have survived without it for so long. I found that distraction of any kind was useful, albeit terribly hard at first since the urges were often overwhelming. But if it is any consolation to you at all, it does get easier as time goes by and you do find other ways to cope. I really do empathize and wish you the best of luck in trying to deal with this. You are courageous in your frankness and your willingness to try.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thank you so much, texasgirl, for sharing that with me. I am glad you stopped doing it. I want to stop, but sometimes I don't want to. I hope I can stop. :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I don't know why, but it seems like the harder I focus on trying to stop, the worse I do it.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just wonder if focusing on it in therapy could be the reason I'm wanting to do it more?

Maybe if we could figure out the underlying issues and deal with them? I don't know if this makes any sense. I don't know why I do this. I really don't.

I just don't think I can ever stop. This part of my life seems hopeless. I think I can feel better in other ways, but I don't know about this. I'm disgusted with myself.

 

[ThatLady]

I'm reminded of the old saying, Janet: "It's always darkest just before the dawn." I honestly believe you WILL get through this. It's possible that talking about your SI might be bringing it more into focus, thereby increasing the incidence of episodes for the time being. However, it's also getting it out where you can see it, discuss it, and ask for help to find other ways to cope with what's really troubling you.

I do think it's important to discuss the underlying issues that contribute to the SI. Are you finding yourself more able to do that with your therapist than you were at first? I remember your saying before that you just weren't able to talk to him about some of the things in your life that are most problematic. Just discussing the SI and not discussing the things that are making your life difficult isn't, in my opinion, going to help you stop. Both matters have to be given equal time. In fact, I think more time should be spent on the contributing factors than on the SI itself. Just my opinion. :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I do think it's important to discuss the underlying issues that contribute to the SI. Are you finding yourself more able to do that with your therapist than you were at first?

No, not really. I am afraid to bring up certain things. I just can't seem to make myself talk about "those" things. And I think I'm emotionally unstable. I can't stop crying while I'm there. So I can't talk. I don't know.

I think more time should be spent on the contributing factors than on the SI itself. Just my opinion. :hug:

I was thinking that too. I don't know how to fix myself.

 

[Halo]

I don't know how to fix myself.

I don't think that you are suppose to know right now how to fix yourself. That is what you have a therapist for and working together in time you both will figure it out and you will be on the mend. I also don't think that you necessarily need to be fixed but more that you need to be healed. You are not broken but need healing to be healthy.

Take Care
:hug:

 

[ThatLady]

I don't think any of us can heal ourselves, Janet. We're too close to the problem to see it objectively. That's why professional help is so very important.

The key to finding answers lies in asking questions and in discussing issues of concern. That's always a difficult thing to do, but most things that bring real change are difficult to do. Until you can get these really scary issues out there, it's going to be hard to deal with the results (the SI). Write the problem issues down and just hand them to your therapist if you find you dissolve into tears every time you try to approach them. That seems to be a method that has worked well for several here. The point is, you've got to get this stuff out there to actually work on solving the problems. :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I also don't think that you necessarily need to be fixed but more that you need to be healed. You are not broken but need healing to be healthy.

Take Care
:hug:

Thanks for saying that. That sounds better than being broken. I have such a lump in my throat and such a sadness tonight. I want to heal, but it seems so far away or something.

The point is, you've got to get this stuff out there to actually work on solving the problems.

I believe this is true. I think he's been hoping the medication would help me be able to deal with things better. I guess that will take some more time. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be doing in therapy really. I feel kind of lost and very confused.

 

[Halo]

Janet,

The way that I look at it is that we have been unhealthy for many years and it took a while to find the right professional, the right medication etc. in order to get healthy that we cannot expect it to happen overnight. It is going to be a long painful road but a road that we have to travel in order to get to our goal no matter how long it takes. I know it is hard as there are days that I just wish that I could snap my fingers and be healed but the journey will be worth it in the end (or so they say )

Take care
:hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

True. I hope it's true about it being worth it.

I guess I'm just tired and discouraged.

:hug:

 

[ThatLady]

I believe that the purpose of therapy is many-fold. One important aspect is the gaining of trust and the ability to talk to someone trusted about those things we feel we can't talk to anyone else about. It helps us to learn that we're not alone, and that others have gone through the same, or similar issues. It helps us to see that the therapist is not shocked or repulsed by these "terrible" secrets. It doesn't matter much what method is used to convey these secrets - talking, writing, whatever. The important thing is that they are shared. That way, they can be faced and dealt with.

The human being is a very versatile critter. We can deal with almost anything if we have the proper tools.

 

[Cat Dancer]

That is true too. I'm just all falling apart tonight. I am disgusted with me.

I keep trying though.

 

[Halo]

Janet

As promised, I said that when you were having one of your bad days I was going to remind you of your past post that was on a good day when you were optomistic and the future was bright. You posted as follows:

Some days you dance with babies. Some days you chase after them and they laugh. Some days you both cry. Some days you do all these things, (most days). And you play with blocks and chase after the cat and look out the window at the lights far off in the distance and wonder what's going on out there. Some days it hurts so much inside and some days not so much. But I guess, deep down, I know all days, all moments are precious. Some we think we wasted, but not really. I don't want to have so many regrets. My life has been what's it's been and all I have is now and all I can do is the best I can do right now.

Just remember that you wrote this and to hold onto those words to help you get through this hard time. You can do it. I know you can.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

nancy said:

I know it is hard as there are days that I just wish that I could snap my fingers and be healed but the journey will be worth it in the end (or so they say )

janet replied:

I hope it's true about it being worth it.

as someone who has recently recovered from depression i just really want to stress that it is so very, very, very worth it. i wake up every morning excited to be alive, filled with plans, full of energy. i feel so alive and happy. it is absolutely worth it. :hug: