Wanting it to all stop

[forgetmenot]

i am told to back away but they won;t let me these professionals keep calling so i have to call in sick to work tomorrow have yet another meeting re my mothers placement re my brothers both in hospital re i don't want to be part of this but i am forced to be part of this how can i leave her in a home that is full of danger i went and got her brought her back to my place set up meeting for tomrorow life goes on and on and on and no one sees or hears no one gives a dam for if they did they would see the limits they are pushing me to i tell them please i can't do anymore but they don't listen so i push me to gether again and i become one of them in the end i will be one of them i am keeping me to gether until yet again they are safe not because i want to but because i am being forced to

 

[suewatters1]

Do you have somebody advocating for you? I am not sure if your from Canada or the USA or somewhere else but I have a Canadian mental health worker who does phone calls on my behalf if I don't have the mental strength to deal with it. Do you have somebody like that to help you? Or maybe a counselor you see who could write you a letter saying you cannot handle theses things that are happening to your family members that they will have to get their own social workers to help them or if you are in Canada help from Community Care Access Center.
You need somebody to advocate for you because you are no good for your family if you fall apart emotionally. Get somebody to advocate for YOU.

Sue

 

[forgetmenot]

It is the ccac that keep calling me that keep insisting i have power of attorney over my mother i need to be there to sign papers i don't have anyone i am to keep me stable for them all Even after all the help i got them dam people keepcalling me i wish to god i could go away I told them all ccac looking after mother act team looking after brothers
all of them call me call me insisting i have yet another dam meeting when if they just listened to me first time around all this would not be happening all this dam trauma would not be happening but i am noone until they want something you see why i hate professionals they do absolutely NOTHING all my life it has been this way i ran i ran to get away from it all i can't run now i have to help them My one bro the one that was somewhat stable OD he could not handle it
so they expect me to handle it my twin who is crippled to handle it what the hell are they even thinking they don't give a dam ok they never ever did

 

[suewatters1]

Eclipse do you have a therapist you talk to. If yes call your therapist and tell your T what is going on and that it is to much for you to handle.

Sue

 

[forgetmenot]

i woke up feel nothing zoned out i see my t today i am a professional i will get this done it is just another task to do that all i will stay calm breath no anger m just state issues i know thye made promises the did not keep deal with today only today get things accomplished look at what is infront of one and do it just another task be professional get it done m see i am ok when i put me in professional mode tired so tired that all no emotions allowed to day just going on robot mode now thanks for talking to me and caring My T will get me to see what needs be done and just do it right no problem no emotions so good not to feel

 

[forgetmenot]

life move forward keep moving try to control ones path try so hard but too much pain sadness

i am strong i am so i understand how and why my bros did what they did they are not well i am strong i can fight but i don't want to anymore

i don't want to continue this battle i know therei light i know there is hope but i am just not wanting it really anymore i am wanting peace now

no i don't want to make decisons i don't want to be rational i don't want to be me

i want to run i want to hide i want to disappear like before how irresponsible and selfish that sounds dam eh

i am still her that one inside i am still her and i DON'T WANT TO BE HER she is weak and pathetic and like all the others saw useless

I can't be here i can't yet i find i have very little stength left in me to be someone that professional that everyone needs right now

I am doing all ican to keep things in order but it is all falling apart again outside and inside it is all falling apart

Work work is the only place i am safe it seems work takes me to whole different realm god i am someone there i am yet now i don't even want to face that place a place that does bring some light to me.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Wow, your pain is tangible. I wish I could offer you something.

Keep telling us how you feel. Maybe that will at least offer you some comfort.

You are you no matter if you work, or if you don't, and these people calling you are irritating, but you are still you. You matter. It might feel like they think you don't matter, and you might even wonder sometimes, but you DO matter.

It sounds like you need to run away to a nice quiet nature retreat where all you can hear is a little brook and some birds and maybe some wind through the branches of trees. You need something serene and beautiful to soak in and soak up. You need something slow and warm and gentle.


You don't have to go to work. Work isn't you, it's just something you do. They can figure things out. When other people leave or are absent from work, they always find they can get along for a while without them. Can you call in sick?? Can you take stress leave? Vacation?

 

[forgetmenot]

went to work i rocked for a bit at first but as i got into my work then my sadness left i became someone of impt i became someone that was useful i was someone
day off tomorrow not really though have so much to do you know get things in order so much tomorrow to do should try to sleep some take med i guess i don't know really i don't know so much going on

 

[forgetmenot]

Will try to take my meds so i can be strong tomorrow i will be ok everyone will be ok somehow it will be okay it will

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Come back and talk to us some more Eclipse.

It sounds like these people calling you basically have no choice but to call you (or like you say, they need to be better listeners)...

I know when I was on stress leave years ago that I did not appreciate it when people from various departments called me to try to urge me to go back to work and I would have to argue with them that my therapist told me not to go back yet, etc, and the reasons were because the issues that created the stress in the first place were not met.

I ended up screaming at someone and hanging up on them because they wouldn't leave me alone! lol I felt silly but at least it cut the calls down a bit! 8P

Could you once in a while let the voicemail/answering machine pickup so you don't have to talk? Would it be better to send emails because then you have a paper trail: they can't turn around and say they misunderstood something because it's right there in black and white. In your email reply if they miss something then you can write back on a fwd: "In reference to the last conversation we had, you will see what I told you highlighted and in bold." Then hit Send! lol

 

[forgetmenot]

When dealing wtih beauracracy on needs to be professional dam eh um i did blow up some i tod them all they were not professional they wer NOT professional i to ld them but that is over now i am being a pprofessional i a m getting things done i know the dam system to well. I have respite set up now will take tomorrow i don't want to but i cant look after anymore i just have to pray now she will be safe in the nrsg facility 3 weeks that all then i will see if long term care is necessary Maybe if i get me together some more maybe i will be able to take her home too dam
why am i so dam sad why i should not be this emotional i need to keep calm breath no more tears i am ok everyone is ok please now let it all go away let it all go away i am a professional a GOOD one and i would never ever be one of them never never never dam meds i don't want to take them i don't but i will tonight so i sleep so i am calm tomorrow and don't show emotion no emtoion

I am good right i am good please i am good i just can't take anymore on i can't do that I think if i did take her home with me my ma i think something in me would not be well and i would slowy not be here for my girl I don't want to be here my T know that he knows i want to be with my bro but unlike them i know i cannot harm others by leaving so i stay and i fight through each day knowing it will be a struggle wish my brain would not fight me on the meds but it does It still does fight me it tells me if i take them the meds i become one of them and i am not i am ok i am carer iam someone i am i am ok i just wish i could ta lk to t but his answering machine come on and i don't want to talk to a machine i don't wnat to be here m but i have to be i just have to be here so i am

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Can you send your therapist an email or just keep trying him on the phone?

At least if you leave a message on the answering machine he will know you need to talk to someone...

Is there anyone else you can lean on or call just to vent?

 

[forgetmenot]

no im ok i don' need anyone really went to work kept busy tomorrow another day

---------- Post added at 03:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:20 AM ----------

All is done now so drained from it all called my t left msg

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Excellent! I am so glad you left a voice message for your therapist.

Sheez, you poor thing. Probably need a week in a hyperbaric chamber or something. Ya know, to decompress...

Either that or get a nice big giant hamster bubble that locks from the inside. You could see people trying to get to you, but you wouldn't be able to hear them. It might even make you laugh because they'd be doing all these theatrics trying to get their messages to you... And if you wanted to you could just roll over them! lol

Only one who's allowed inside with you is your therapist. 8) You could take turns rolling over annoying people.

 

[forgetmenot]

i am so tired but that okay
Whey is everyone so ill again i hate seeing and feeling their pain
It is like i am back there all over again
i have tried to get them all help they need
hell i have done that
but it hurts so much inside me i can't i can't be their carer i want to be i truly do want to help them but i can't
hell she is 82 she deserves care and kindness why can't I just give it to her i can't i get so angry inside me i don't know why
i am not good i am not good but logically it is the only way all will be safe one hospitalzied one has locked himself in house Act team will have to take care him
one nsg home ones is with me all not well all ill again one is stable she is doing well and i don't want them to set her off she worked hard to become stable please keep her that way
i am being the professional i am staying me but dam emotions keep trying to take over and i won't let them i keep me busy so dam tears stay away
this illness takes so many away i don't think people understand the loss to other family members It affect all of us ok not just the ones that are ill it takes us all with it
i am me a professional trying so hard to stay in control why in the hell does it have to affect so many why

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

When do you get to worry about you and look after yourself?

Isn't there a safe place or person you can be more free with your emotions and get some of that off your chest?

Did your therapist get back to you yet?

Got a good punching bag you can beat up?

 

[forgetmenot]

Have a psychologist he is very busy has so much important thing to do
i called lots to day did not leave msg hate talking to a machine
i went to work where i sem to be able to become more stable there mind is kept on other things
just when crisis team was called it set me off a bit mind went back to the ones that need me
One day perhaps there will be time but i cannot go away now not again not when they ae all so ill

 

[forgetmenot]

just tell me how does one keep going when all around one is leaving again another one in emerg after trying weeks to get help do the right steps call for help with every time a no ends up in emerg im tired so tired of see all this it is like being in a nightmare not able to wake up from it

 

[Retired]

just tell me how does one keep going when all around one is leaving again another one in emerg after trying weeks to get help do the right steps call for help with every time a no ends up in emerg

Would you explain what this is about, please? I'm having difficulty understanding the situation you are describing.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Eclipse, are you trying to take care of other people who are ill?