What am I feeling?

[ThatLady]

You know, nsa, there was a time during my healing when my mind couldn't seem to tell the difference between crying and laughing. I'd start to do one and end up doing the other for no rhyme nor reason. Even though things were going well, I'd be in tears, and vice versa. It was a difficult time for me, as I didn't really understand what was going on. I think I'd just been down for so long I didn't know how to handle happiness, or a feeling of not being surrounded by bad things lurking to jump out and pull me down. My emotions were ragged and hard to control. Yet, over time, I learned and those crazy cry/laugh times became a part of my past. I haven't done that in years, but your post reminded me of those times.

 

[foghlaim]

When is your appointment with your old psychiatrist?
next tues. 20th

thankk YOu both for your replies.
if i'm reading correctly this kind of ting is "normal" at the min.
I don't really understand it, but i'm willing to accept it part of where i am at the min.

thanks again.

nsa

 

[foghlaim]

once again today things kinda got on top of me,, left me feeling like crying (and yet not) and then "switched" to being fed up with everything!! not wanting to do anything. i typed some stuff out earlier in "diary" relating to today, asin how i was feeling and even one or two other things came to mind, things that happened recently and that just made me feel worse so i just stopped and closed it down.

Maybe it's just "one of those days". being fed up, tee'd off, and agiin the urge to si reared it's ugly head, came up stairs to do "whatever" to try and relieve what i was feeling and instead i logged on here for a while untill the urge passed.

don't know really why i'm putting all this here, just feels like the right place i guess.

anyway i could go on and on but it'd be very boring so i won't.

thanks for the space to be able to type this here.

nsa

 

[Floating]

Hi NSA,

I just want to let you know, I know what you mean. Feeling like you want to cry but not cryingt, and feeling fed up with everything. If you feel anything like me, you don't feel you have the energy to do anything either.

Thinking of you, be strong xx

 

[Halo]

Hi NSA,

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard day (of course by the time you read this it will be morning for you) but I hope that tomorrow is better for you. ((BIG HUGS)) for a better day ahead.

I know all too well the feelings that you describe, wanting to cry, being fed up etc. but I think that it was a great choice to type some feelings out in a diary as I know that for me the few times that I have done it, it sometimes helps to reflect on what I am really feeling and what goes round and round in my head. Wow another great decision on your part was to come on here and post and read until the urge to SI passed. Although you feel like crap today I think that you made some great progress... a huge good step forward and I am proud of you.

Another thing, I don't think ever find anything that you have to write boring so please don't limit yourself. I think that you are very honest and open and I appreciate that.

Take care and talk to you soon.
Nancy

 

[foghlaim]

thank you Floating.. and Nancy for yur words of encouragement.
and thank u nancy for saying that i don't write boring stuff, sometimes i think i do. not only that but i feel i post too much lately. it's like i don't know what to do with meself.. other day i thought of jusst getting on a train and getting the hell outta dodge.. you know!.. but that won't work either cause i can't get away fron the me that is here, can i. on the physical side of things i'm a little stronger, but inside it feels like i'm all over the place.. getting sidetracted very easily, forgetting things again. and it's really getting to me.

sorry , there i go again, i never meant to put all that in there, it was supposed to stay n my head till i cuold at least try and make some sense of it all.

i just don't know anymore...

nsa

 

[Peanut]

and thank u nancy for saying that i don't write boring stuff,

You do not write boring stuff at all! I love your posts and I'm thrilled to death that you're back!!! And you do not post too much (of course this is coming from me, a compulsive poster, but still! )! (((((notsureanymore))))) I'm so glad that you're back!

 

[foghlaim]

thanks for your very kind words Toeless.



nsa

 

[foghlaim]

Right now i'm thinking about tomorows apt and afew other things, and my stomach is in knots again. I know i want to see him, will see him, but at same time i'm embarrassed to face him cause of a few things that happened while i was in hospital, he knows about these, even attended me after one "event" and i think i was rude to him. i actually didn't expect to feel like i do this min, Jeeze, what'll i feel like tomorow on the way out to him. ahhhh!! i think i'm getting cold feet or something. pre-apt jitters already maybe... feels like forever since i've seen him and now i'm afraid to face him.

between that now and the other things circling my mind, it's crazy..

think i'll go and try and do something to distract myself, block out all this.

nsa.

 

[Halo]

Hi NSA,

I can relate all to well about having the jitters before an appointment. I remember when I was going back to my psych after not seeing her for 4 months. I wanted everything to be better and I was on my way to happiness (not really). She knew me well enough when I walked in her office that I was not doing well. I found that the jitters went away as soon as I stepped in her office and it was like I never left. As for the embarrassment about what happened while in the hospital, please try not to worry about that I am sure that your therapist has and will see worse. He knows that you were in a bad place (mentally) and fragile and will probably not take it seriously.

I am not going to say not to worry at all about it as I know you will but try to do something nice for yourself to take your mind off of it. You will be fine, I have all the confidence in the world in you.

Take care and I am here for you anytime.
Nancy

 

[foghlaim]

it's 11am here and it's hours away from apt time, and i feel like ringing and cancelling because of how nervous i feel. But i won't do that cause i need to see him, i just feel like doing it. that make any sense at all.

thanks Nancy, for your vote of confidence.

nsa

 

[Floating]

Hi nsa,

Yes it does make sense, I know how you feel in a way. I have cancelled several appointments with my Doc in the past and now I really regret it because if I had gone in the first place I would probably be feeling a lot better than I am now. Don't cancel your apt, as you say you need to see him. I know how nerve wracking it is! :red:

Be strong nsa you are doing the right thing xx

 

[Halo]

Hi NSA,

I don't know what time it is for you but I just wanted to say that I hope that you don't call and cancel. I know how nerve racking it can be to go to an appointment (I still had the jitters every week after seeing my therapist for 8 years). I don't think that it was so much about the actual person but more about what is going to be discussed.

I know that you have been looking forward to this appointment so please, please don't cancel it. If you have already left for your appointment, I will send you lots of telepathic strength to get through it.

I hope you log on afterwards to let us know how it goes.

Take Care
Nancy

 

[foghlaim]

Hi Nancy, I haven't left yet, in fact i just logged on to copy some stuff i have posted here over the past cpl of weeks.

and you are right about "what is going to be discussed" as well as facing him of course. No i'm not going to cancel.

and i will let ye know how thngs go.

thanks again.

nsa

 

[Halo]

Hi NSA,

Glad to see that I caught you before you left. I really hope that your appt. goes well and please do take care and try to remember to breathe (I know that I have a problem with that when things get rough).

Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.

Take Care and remember that I am with you in spirit.

Nancy

 

[foghlaim]

thank yo too floating... appreciate your response.


thanks for reminding me nancy.. i often get caught out on that, forgetting to breathe properly.


nsa

 

[Cat Dancer]

Glad you're not cancelling.

You are in my thoughts as well.

Take care.

 

[foghlaim]

thanks janet. i think i'll be thinking of ye on the way out and reminding myself of the confidence ye have in me.as well as the fact that ye've had apts recently and got thru them ok.

thanks a mill guys

nsa

 

[ThatLady]

Take care, nsa. You're going to do just fine, I'm sure, and this will be of such help to you! Please, let us know how it went.

 

[foghlaim]

hi all, i don't know how to describe todays apt really... cept it went ok.
i wasn't actually "that" nervous when i met him, which surprised me, I was more nervous while waiting for him. Anyway.. we discussed how things have been\ are going ect, Showed him the pages i had printed off, including the one with the goals onit, he was impressed i think from his reaction. he asked how the meds were going for me i explained that my feelings were for the most part flat, and he nodded and said unfortunately that was the trade off between where i was and where i am today. he also asked if i was eating prop and getting enough sleep ect. I also asked him about going back to driving again, at 1st he was reluctant but discussing it further with me he came to the conclusion that it would in fact be therapeutic for me, he knows how much driving meant to me, (it was a part of me,) so I CAN!!!! YES!!!!! i have no car at the min mind you, but that will change in the coming weeks.

Now the dissappointing part (at least for me), he believes now that it's a psychologist i need and not a psychiatrist, because.... between the sessions we had before i went to hospital and the meds i'm on now (that are controlling the depression for the most part and the anxiety levels) and the inroads i have made regarding getting out of the house ect, there's no need to believe that i will have another conversion. Therefore todays apt could have been the last one with him.
So he is going to set up apt with a psychologist, (that i've heard of already), but if the waiting list is too long he will get back to me and continue to see me for another while.
oh nearly forgot, the psychologist, he works with the other psychiatrists that i can't stand, in the same building as well.

so all in all i guess it was a mixture... good and kinda bad .

what do ye think?

nsa