Why can't it stop?

[Ashley-Kate]

I am trying to smile trying to live trying to stop feeling so confused and sad... but i can't. I have started a new program for BPD, I trullly don't feel at all at the right place, I hear the woman tak about their problems their lives and i feel distant almost disconnected to all of them. I am the only one with an eating disorder witch causes me to be easily triggered when they start to small talk about wanting to lose weight food intake and exercises routines. They talk about as if it's somethng pleasant and fun and oh how they would like to be like me the girl in the room that looks as if she has never had a weight probleme in her life. All i want to do is scream how stupid and ridiculous they sound and how insensitive they are to the possibility that it's not that fun. But i stay quite i play the good girl the one that just goes with everything that agrees that complies to everything. All i feel inside is dead. I have been in this program for 3 weeks and it's the program they are hoping will change me will make me better. In the last 3 weeks i have seen my eating disorder go in over drive, I don't live anymore i am a slave to the scale to my obsessive thoughts to my need to lose more to be invisible to be something my search for a place to belong was ended when i found the eating disorder and this group of woman that are supposed to be like me has only caused me to fall deeper in the obsessive thoughts because i don't fit there either.

I am depressed, a lot, It is late.. well early i can't sleep, all i can think of is ways to just shut this hole thing up in my head. I can't take it anymore yet i continue. I hate me i hate my life yet at the same time i want to feel fufillled and i feel that weight loss is the only way. I spent the night thinking of ways that i could end my life stop the pain the thoughts, the thing that is keeping me from suicide is the thought that i am not thin enough, how pathetic is that. I want to reach thin to feel good yet i want to reach thin to reward myself with death.

I want to be able to have a day that the scale is not there, i want to be able to just sit without feeling like if i don't keep moving i will gain weight, I want to be able to skip the exercising the calorie counting. I want this to stop, I want to be warm, without thinking if i am warm then i am fat, I want all the stupid irrationnal thinking to not be their, I want to really stop believing the thoughts i know its irationnal but i want to believe it enough to not feel like maybe if i rest i will not gain weight i want to rest without being afraid. I want my head to simply shut up. I want the psychiatrist at the new program to see that its not just BPD if it is the diagnosis but that anorexia plays a part in it because at the moment they are acting like its a symptom that mans nothing that is impulsive that i can just stop when i can'T i can't stop it i can't make my head think differently, I can't look into a miror and see what they think is thin, I want to believe that it's true but at the same time i can't because it's not what i see..

I can't do this anymore, I can't take this never getting better trying but never getting there, I just want to stop i want to have everything stop i want silence. I know that everyone says be confident it will get better but the thing is it's not getting better. I can'T take it anymore. I have my dr. with threats on one side saying if i lose any more weight he feels that the best place for me would be in-patient, then i have the psychiatrist that say that i can just snap out of it, that this new treatment to help me controle my emotions will help me. I feel like i am falling i am dying and they won't believe that it's serious and its anorexia unless my weight trully plumets and then they will stop this bullshit program and send me to the right place. yet the right place i have been so many times and never got better. I just want to sleep.I simply want everything to stop. I wish i were thin enough to be aloud to be happy or simply aloud to die. i wish i was thin enough to die. cause i have given up on every being happy.

 

[forgetmenot]

Change the word I can't hun to I CAN just keep saying I CAN even if you do not believe it just say I CAN do it over and over until your thinking does change. It will not happen over night the therapy takes long time for it to work ok so stick with the plan and just keep saying over and over I CAN hugs

 

[Cat Dancer]

I agree with forgetmenot. Try telling yourself you can do it rather than you can't. The power of the mind is pretty amazing. Also remember the women in your group have their own struggle and problems they're dealing with just like you do. They may have hidden eating disorders that they're too ashamed to talk about. Try to not focus so much on the negatives of the program, but look at the positives of it.