Why do people self harm?

[Cat Dancer]

This is such a frustrating problem. I don't want to do it, but I don't know what else to do with all the pain. And the lists of things to do instead just overwhelm me. But I do fight it as best I can. There's pain and pain and pain and inferiority and being invisible and being too visible and I can't figure out where I fit in the world. And I think nowhere. I wish I was not in this place emotionally. I wish I could breathe without hurting. I know it will pass. It's just hard to get to that point.

 

[Eunoia]

Great things are not won except by great risks
Herodotus, 480 B.C.

I know all of this seems like it's "too much", and just so overwhelming... and it is. But one thing I have figured out is that nothing is going to change or actually 'get better' if I'm not willing to take that leap of faith and be vulnerable and work at these things if I want to gain control over them. It's a long road hun.... but there is an end to it and you can get there.

I don't know what else to do with all the pain

This is where learning other coping mechanisms comes in.. I know that some of them are only distractors, ie. things you can do to let the anger out or the pain... instead of taking the pain on yourself and making yourself hurt even more try taking that pain and putting it onto something else... anything would be better than your own body really hun. objects don't feel, we do, as much as we like it or hate it. what about writing about your feelings? sort of like transferring the pain into written words....

I don't know exactly what you mean w/ 'lists' but if you mean like things you have to do each day, try breaking them down into smaller pieces, ie, what step do you have to take to get to step B, and then from step B to step C and so on. I totally get overwhelmed w/ things I have to do but sometimes all those things really are not possible or realistic, at least in the time frame we give ourselves.. start w/ one thing instead of looking at the big picture, b/c that's so overwhelming!! I know this is all easier said than done but just some suggestions, sometimes being reminded of them helps....

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't know exactly what you mean w/ 'lists'

Eunoia, I think Janet was referring to the suggestions on what to do when you have the urge to SI -- e.g., use a rubber band, ice cubes, red pens, etc.

 

[Eunoia]

makes more sense now. thanks. )

ok, then re: the list.... Janet, do you find it overwhelming b/c there's so many choices? or b/c they can be really triggering too??? or just going through the actual process of trying to distract yourself?? do any of the suggestions help you??? I find that some things work sometimes and then other times they don't... but I guess sometimes is better than never.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Yes, the lists of distractions. I'm not sure exactly. I think it's that there are so many. So far the only thing that really works is to tell myself that I'll do it later and put it off and keep putting it off until the feelings associated with it are gone. Or sleep. Probably not a good way to deal with it at all.

Thanks for writing back to me. Sorry I wasn't more clear. LOL. I think I'm not very coherent when I'm upset. Or ever for that matter. Maybe if I could be around people I wouldn't think about it so much. I don't know. My mind is all jumbled and messed up.

 

[Eunoia]

not all of the things on the list are going to work for everyone... it's the same w/ therapy, not one approach is the best approach for everyone, right? "putting it off" can work, it works for me too from time to time, I find that when you don't let yourself do it and then eventually "remember" that you wanted to si or felt like you needed to it sometimes almost seems pointless.. b/c those feelings of needing to do it right there and then that seem so overwhelming have faded away, yes you still feel as bad about things probably but not as intensely that you want to si. sleeping I guess is a way of putting it off too..and just "escaping" from things temporarily...

you do make sense. that was my bad. re: being around people more, I guess that works b/c it's not only a distraction but also kind of impossible to si when people are around.... I know that it's difficult to be around a lot of people from where you live but remember the idea I gave you w/ making certain days set days to meet certain people? I don't know if you remember...but that's one way of assuring for at least those days or times there'd be someone and you could get your mind off things... and for the other times do what works for you to get past those initial feelings.... if people would help you b/c you'd be distracted then maybe distracting yourself w/ other things (like you are already doing) is a good way to go.... hang in there.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I was thinking about this again. I think it's all the things I said and more. It's screaming and not screaming. It's crying and not crying. It's being angry and not being angry. It's all the words I cannot say and all the pain I cannot feel and all the pain I do feel. It's horrible and terrible and relief all at the same time. I hate it and I want to stop sometimes. And sometimes I think it is all that I am. It's stopping myself from shaking and it's terrifying.

I want to WANT to stop. I hope I can learn to deal with all these emotions in some other healthy way. This is not healthy. I think it's robbed me of so much. And I am so sad about this.

 

[Meg]

Dear Janet, :hello:

Self injury is such a hard thing to have to deal with. It helps when nothing else seems to. I am sorry to hear that you're hurting and feeling sad. You described the kinds of feelings that I used to feel before si... an overwhelming emotion... it's like you feel it all surging up inside but somehow it seems trapped and all you want to do is let it out because it seems crippling and too unbearable to simply ignore. It makes sense that you would turn to something that you know works, even if it hurts: if there was no benefit people wouldn't do it more than once. I think that's a pretty big part of why it's so hard to stop and why it's hard to want to stop, like you said. That said, it's good that you want to want to stop si and deal with your emotions in a healthier way! It's a great start. You have to take the step from not caring at all if you're going to get anywhere, so well done for that!

I know it's been a little while since the other posts in this thread, but I was thinking about what you said about there being too many things on the list to choose from when you feel like si. Could you perhaps choose one that you think is most appropriate to how you tend to feel and develop it into a plan for yourself? So, if your idea was, for example, to take a bath and play some calm music in the background, plan what exactly what you would do so it's easier for yourself when you're feeling emotional. Choose what music you would have and figure out whether you would have to move a CD player, would you have bubbles etc. I remember that any tiny little decision would just confuse me and make it all seem worse, so planning ahead was really helpful.

I don't know if any of this is useful at all! Whether or not it is, I just thought I'd let you know that I cared. I hope that things will get better really soon, Janet.

Meg x

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, Meg

I do want to stop. I wish I hadn't started.

Could you perhaps choose one that you think is most appropriate to how you tend to feel and develop it into a plan for yourself? So, if your idea was, for example, to take a bath and play some calm music in the background, plan what exactly what you would do so it's easier for yourself when you're feeling emotional. Choose what music you would have and figure out whether you would have to move a CD player, would you have bubbles etc. I remember that any tiny little decision would just confuse me and make it all seem worse, so planning ahead was really helpful.

That is really good advice. I think I get confused and overwhelmed too easily and I have a hard time making choices, especially in those awful moments when the urge is so great. I want so much to have something else that I automatically think of doing when I feel so badly. Or even thinking that it is something that I HAVE to do to survive.

Thanks.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's screaming and not screaming. It's crying and not crying. It's being angry and not being angry. It's all the words I cannot say and all the pain I cannot feel and all the pain I do feel. It's horrible and terrible and relief all at the same time. I hate it and I want to stop sometimes. And sometimes I think it is all that I am. It's stopping myself from shaking and it's terrifying.

I don't think I have ever read or heard a better or more vivid description about what self-injury is all about.

Excellent post, Janet.

 

[ThatLady]

It's screaming and not screaming. It's crying and not crying. It's being angry and not being angry. It's all the words I cannot say and all the pain I cannot feel and all the pain I do feel. It's horrible and terrible and relief all at the same time. I hate it and I want to stop sometimes. And sometimes I think it is all that I am. It's stopping myself from shaking and it's terrifying.

I don't think I have ever read or heard a better or more vivid description about what self-injury is all about.

Excellent post, Janet.

You know, that particular quote spoke to me, as well, and I'm not a self-injurer; nor, have I ever been. Yet, I've felt those very feelings. I think it would resonate in a lot of people who suffer from depression, or PTSD, or OCD, or any number of other ailments that render us helpless to control our surroundings, or even our own inner turmoil.

That's a very profound statement, Janet. Thanks for saying what so many of us feel, or have felt, and saying it so well.

 

[Holly]

It is one of the best posts I have read about self injury Janet, thank you for sharing your personal experience, wishes too change! Take care

 

[foghlaim]

thank you Janet.. you put into words what i couldn't. it's everything u say it is and i fight the urge everyday and it's so bloody hard not to do it. so that in turn causes frustration, it's a vicious circle.

take care, ok

nsa.

 

[Halo]

Janet,

I also want to say that your post was a great way to describe the thoughts and feelings about si. It definitely sums up exactly the way I feel most days. I think that we really have a lot in common. I just read this thread for the first time today and I really felt like you could have been talking about me when you were describing the thoughts that you have about yourself. I have been there all too often.

Thanks again Janet for articulating (I think that is the word that I am looking for) what I think and feel inside most days.

 

[foghlaim]

never thought i'd be typing this out here.. i've alluded to self harming in other posts. as Janet describes above the thought and feelings and my reply was "see above", anyway other night i did si, i was so down in myself, fighting the urge just was too much and i gave in to it. it did relieve the tension and frustrationi was feeling, but only for a while, now i have to hide it and make sure none of my family find out about it, which in turn leads to guilt. i can't win... one way or another i'm a loser.

nsa

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No, nsa, you're not a loser. Not at all. Not even close. We've all watched you (from afar at least) progress over the weeks and months. That's not losing. That's winning.

All that last night means is that you had a bad moment on a tough day and reverted to a familiar but ineffective coping strategy. Tomorrow is another start. This isn't a "back to square one" thing - just a minor blip in your progress forward.

 

[ThatLady]

You're anything but a loser, nsa! You're a fighter, and you're a winner. Nobody wins every bout, and nobody gets where they're going without tripping over something at least once. You just keep on putting one foot in front of the other and remember we're right here fighting with you. You're gonna win this one, nsa. I know you are because you mean so very much to all of us.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Sorry, nsa.

I agree with ThatLady and Dr. Baxter though. Try to look at it as a blip on the road to recovery.

I can relate too. I've been struggling and giving in a lot lately. I'm so tired of all of this pain inside. But it doesn't make anything better. So I tell myself that it's punishment I deserve, but I'm not really sure about that either.

Try to be easier on yourself.

 

[Peanut]

Notsureanymore, Dr. Baxter is right, we've all seen you make a lot of progress. Don't get too down on yourself about the little slip ups... it's the big picture that matters and the big picture is that you are working hard to get better and it is and will continue to pay off. I think you're doing a really good job and we are all really proud of you!

 

[foghlaim]

thanks everyone, ye are all so kind.. maybe ye can see progress (from afar) but sometimes i feel like i'm getting nowhere. and it's when i feel like this and the thoguhts are flying around inside my head that i find the hardest to deal with. like Janet, pain is the worst, i keep burying it, saying i'll deal with that when i see the doc, but it' doesn't seem to work anymore. it's here and i can't do anything about it.. except distract myself or si to relieve it.

thanks again for yere msgs, appreciate them.
maybe i should come on here next time the urge is too strong and read this thread again.

Janet: sorry you feel the way you do, you start therapy soon as well , and i don't think you need to punish yuorself, the pain you feel is enough.
let us know how therapy goes for you.

thanks again.
nsa