Wife just told me she wants separation. - What to do?

[dhansen815]

So after 15 years of marriage, my wife has told me after several visits to the marriage therapist that she feels trapped in our marriage. I recently caught her doing cybersex online where she became involved with a man and plans to meet him next week. She is very sorry for what she has done and feels bad, but knows she isn't happy. Through therapy we have found that there are many issues we haven't resolved, but she wants to separate which makes me very nervous and anxious. And I'm crazy to think this?

I love her, and want to work this out. I've heard from several that because she is 45 she maybe going through menopause and that maybe part of her problem. I've tried to find out what she needs but find that I'm not the person to give it to her. It kills me inside and I wish there was some cure for this.

Just getting it out there. Hoping someone has experienced similar and can relate.

Thanks for listening.

david

 

[dhansen815]

So after 15 years of marriage, my wife has told me after several visits to the marriage therapist that she feels trapped in our marriage. I recently caught her doing cybersex online where she became involved with a man and plans to meet him next week. She is very sorry for what she has done and feels bad, but knows she isn't happy. Through therapy we have found that there are many issues we haven't resolved, but she wants to separate which makes me very nervous and anxious. And I'm crazy to think this?

I love her, and want to work this out. I've heard from several that because she is 45 she maybe going through menopause and that maybe part of her problem. I've tried to find out what she needs but find that I'm not the person to give it to her. It kills me inside and I wish there was some cure for this.

Just getting it out there. Hoping someone has experienced similar and can relate.

Thanks for listening.

david

 

[ThatLady]

This is always a difficult situation for anyone. You love your wife and want the marriage to work. However, we can't force someone else to maintain a relationship in which they're not happy. If you've been in therapy and your wife has still been unable to resolve the issues she feels are making her unhappy, and if she feels trapped (as she said), there's not a lot you can do. You've made your best effort, hon.

A separation doesn't always mean the end of a marriage. Sometimes, during a separation, one or the other partner will find that the marriage wasn't nearly as terrible as they thought it was. Once faced with life without his/her partner, a lot of things seem less upsetting than they might have seemed before.

If she's met someone online, and plans to meet this person in the "real world" as soon as next week, it sounds like she's already begun the process of separating herself from her marriage. The best you can do, in all probability, is to wish her well and hope that she'll find out that the grass really isn't greener over there where one can't see it close up.

 

[ThatLady]

This is always a difficult situation for anyone. You love your wife and want the marriage to work. However, we can't force someone else to maintain a relationship in which they're not happy. If you've been in therapy and your wife has still been unable to resolve the issues she feels are making her unhappy, and if she feels trapped (as she said), there's not a lot you can do. You've made your best effort, hon.

A separation doesn't always mean the end of a marriage. Sometimes, during a separation, one or the other partner will find that the marriage wasn't nearly as terrible as they thought it was. Once faced with life without his/her partner, a lot of things seem less upsetting than they might have seemed before.

If she's met someone online, and plans to meet this person in the "real world" as soon as next week, it sounds like she's already begun the process of separating herself from her marriage. The best you can do, in all probability, is to wish her well and hope that she'll find out that the grass really isn't greener over there where one can't see it close up.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

In my experience, this rarely has anything to do with hormones or menopause or anything else. She may well have reached a point in her life where she is re-evaluating what she is doing vs. what she wants to do, where she is going with her life vs. where she wants it to go, etc. That happens to many, perhaps most people and different points.

But regardless of the reason, if she has made the decision that she uis unhappy and wants to leave, as painful as that is for you there really is little you can do except try to find a way to accept it. I understand when you say you want to work this out, but that can't happen unless BOTH of you want that. Evidently, at this point, your wife doesn't want to work it out or doesn't believe it's possible to reconstruct the marriage into something she will find fulfilling.

I would suggest you talk to the counselor about some individual sessions to get some assistance in coping with your loss, grieving, and moving on with your own life.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

In my experience, this rarely has anything to do with hormones or menopause or anything else. She may well have reached a point in her life where she is re-evaluating what she is doing vs. what she wants to do, where she is going with her life vs. where she wants it to go, etc. That happens to many, perhaps most people and different points.

But regardless of the reason, if she has made the decision that she uis unhappy and wants to leave, as painful as that is for you there really is little you can do except try to find a way to accept it. I understand when you say you want to work this out, but that can't happen unless BOTH of you want that. Evidently, at this point, your wife doesn't want to work it out or doesn't believe it's possible to reconstruct the marriage into something she will find fulfilling.

I would suggest you talk to the counselor about some individual sessions to get some assistance in coping with your loss, grieving, and moving on with your own life.

 

[dhansen815]

thanks for the responses.

yes I am seeing a therapist on my own. And I do see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it is quite long!

I haven't slept much since then so taking some antidepressants starting this week. I go from wanting to help her through this to throwing her out and letting her fend for herself. The hurt is so deep. I don't seem to coping well. I keep talking to anyone that will listen to try and sort this out.

Please feel free to give more advice or experiences that can help me walk through this.

Thanks
david

 

[dhansen815]

thanks for the responses.

yes I am seeing a therapist on my own. And I do see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it is quite long!

I haven't slept much since then so taking some antidepressants starting this week. I go from wanting to help her through this to throwing her out and letting her fend for herself. The hurt is so deep. I don't seem to coping well. I keep talking to anyone that will listen to try and sort this out.

Please feel free to give more advice or experiences that can help me walk through this.

Thanks
david

 

[comfortzone]

Hi David,

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I am glad that you have your therapist! David said it well. I would make sure to bring up your feelings in session so that you can begin to work through them. I recently had a client with a similar situation and he described his feelings as "betrayal, times of moving rapidly from anger and back to love to immense loss." At first he said these words without emotion. I asked him what those words felt like to him...for the first time since we started his therapy he was able to cry. Your therapist can help you explore any feelings you might have. Best wishes,

 

[comfortzone]

Hi David,

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I am glad that you have your therapist! David said it well. I would make sure to bring up your feelings in session so that you can begin to work through them. I recently had a client with a similar situation and he described his feelings as "betrayal, times of moving rapidly from anger and back to love to immense loss." At first he said these words without emotion. I asked him what those words felt like to him...for the first time since we started his therapy he was able to cry. Your therapist can help you explore any feelings you might have. Best wishes,

 

[dhansen815]

Telling children tonight

We have both agreed to tell the children tonight that we need to separate and find out if we can work this out. Want to make sure they know it has nothing to do with them.

A thought that maybe someone could help me on.
My wife's childhood was not very normal. Her mother had lovers throughout her marriage and she fought with her husband who was abusive to her physically and verbally. With some of the lovers, my wife was a witness to their lovemaking. ie: waiting outside a car while they were inside having sex. To protect herself from this she has developed this very hard shell that I think is beginning to crack. She finally said to me this morning that what she desires to do is wrong and she doesn't want to do what her mom did. But she feels she can't help it and that she can't promise it won't happen again. Does anyone know where this could go? Has it damaged her so much that a normal relationship can never exist?

Any light shed on this would be helpful.

David

 

[dhansen815]

Telling children tonight

We have both agreed to tell the children tonight that we need to separate and find out if we can work this out. Want to make sure they know it has nothing to do with them.

A thought that maybe someone could help me on.
My wife's childhood was not very normal. Her mother had lovers throughout her marriage and she fought with her husband who was abusive to her physically and verbally. With some of the lovers, my wife was a witness to their lovemaking. ie: waiting outside a car while they were inside having sex. To protect herself from this she has developed this very hard shell that I think is beginning to crack. She finally said to me this morning that what she desires to do is wrong and she doesn't want to do what her mom did. But she feels she can't help it and that she can't promise it won't happen again. Does anyone know where this could go? Has it damaged her so much that a normal relationship can never exist?

Any light shed on this would be helpful.

David

 

[ThatLady]

I don't believe in hopeless cases, hon. With therapy and effort, your wife can learn how to leave the past behind in favor of a better future. What she went through as a child is very disturbing, and it's little wonder that she's been emotionally bruised by it. Therapy can help her to work her way past that wounded child to what she really wants to be. Hopefully, she'll give it a try.

 

[ThatLady]

I don't believe in hopeless cases, hon. With therapy and effort, your wife can learn how to leave the past behind in favor of a better future. What she went through as a child is very disturbing, and it's little wonder that she's been emotionally bruised by it. Therapy can help her to work her way past that wounded child to what she really wants to be. Hopefully, she'll give it a try.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That said, I'll just add that it isn't going to happen until SHE wishes for it to happen. In the meantime, I think for your sake and the children's sakes that you need to move forward yourself. That doesn't mean you have to give up all hope of your wife changing her mind at some point -- and if so you can then make the decision for YOU as to whether or not you want to try to go back -- but it does mean that you need to move forward assuming that it probably won't happen.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That said, I'll just add that it isn't going to happen until SHE wishes for it to happen. In the meantime, I think for your sake and the children's sakes that you need to move forward yourself. That doesn't mean you have to give up all hope of your wife changing her mind at some point -- and if so you can then make the decision for YOU as to whether or not you want to try to go back -- but it does mean that you need to move forward assuming that it probably won't happen.

 

[ThatLady]

Agreed, David. It's up to her to do what she must do to change her life. No matter how much you may love her, dhansen, you cannot do it for her. All you can do is get up and go on with your life. Seeing you do this, and succeed, may be the impetus she needs to get herself moving along the right track.

 

[ThatLady]

Agreed, David. It's up to her to do what she must do to change her life. No matter how much you may love her, dhansen, you cannot do it for her. All you can do is get up and go on with your life. Seeing you do this, and succeed, may be the impetus she needs to get herself moving along the right track.

 

[dhansen815]

Thanks

This has been very helpful.

Thanks

David

 

[dhansen815]

Thanks

This has been very helpful.

Thanks

David