Went to my families last night for XMAS and boy...was I depressed afterwards. They were fine, it was a good night actually, but the depressing part is...my family has rejected and abandoned me most of my life and I felt that all over again last night. Everyone was laughing and having fun and once again I was on the sidelines...INVISIBLE. I found out one of my sisters is living with the other (who was my favorite sister/kind of like my mother cause my mother was never there for me). I felt so excluded. I never speak to either of them, nor my mother all year long and it's like they are super close and then..well..there's me. When I was young, this was SO familiar. It felt that way again. I am NOT suicidal but I often used to think that maybe if I died, or tried to commit suicide, that they were finally recognize I had value, and love me or something. I thought that way most of my childhood life and was surprised last night to be feeling that way again. It was very distressing. I should be happy I had a good night with everyone...but I found myself leaving very sad, lonely and depressed.
:-(
:-(