Abstinence Buddies Support

[ladylore]

Geeze...who knew something so simple could become so complex!!!!

That is why there is no quick fix for addictions and that therapy/help of some kind is needed. It's been just over two years for me and I still deal with cravings, sometimes obsessions and an urge to self-self medicate so my stronger feelings are blunted.

Addiction is very complex.

 

[healthbound]

Hm. True. But interestingly after reading what you wrote, I think I realized that I don't take addiction as seriously as I should. Maybe part of my denial mechanism? I think mental illness is extremely serious, but for some reason I don't see addiction as extremely serious. I know that's distorted. Maybe because, for me, I believe addiction is a result of my challenges dealing with my thoughts and emotions, so I see it as secondary or something. But it could be argued that the addiction causes my anxiety and depression rather than the other way around.

I guess it's not really important to know whether the chicken or egg came first. What IS important is that I deal with both the addiction AND mental health issues since they seem to be interrelated to each other.

Even just reading a bit of that book today has helped me feel a bit more in control. I am trying to "get grounded" periodically throughout the day. It's helping break my seemingly automated cycle with food today. And whenever thoughts of food or fat enter my mind I am asking myself how I'm feeling and telling myself I'm ok exactly as I am.

I also bought "no sugar added" cookies and chose to eat them instead of sugar filled ones. So, for today I have abstained from sugar. At some point, I'll have to figure out whether I need to learn balance with sugar or abstain from it.

Thanks for posting LL, I'm grateful to have an opportunity to talk about this today

 

[amastie]

Yes, I can relate
Thanks,
amastie

 

[ladylore]

Your welcome HB.

In my neck of the woods addiction is considered and treated as a mental illness.

 

[healthbound]

It is? I suppose it is in my neck of the woods too since we're not too far from each other. Aaaaand I just looked at my appointment card from my therapist (Coastal Health) which reads, "Mental Health and Addiction Services".

But I guess that just suggests that they treat both mental health and addiction ...not that they are the same. Related, but not the same.

I think I perceive my issues with addiction to be secondary to the core issues which resulted from genetic predispositions to mental illness, familial upbringing and a few traumas along the way. But by thinking this way, it kind of makes it difficult to really admit and deal with any addiction head on. I ask myself, "If it's really a mental health issue then I don't really belong in a 12 step program and don't need to get a sponsor or a home group etc". I often feel like a fake when I go to meetings.

But after having said that, I'm still moving forward by going to meetings anyway. In fact I was at one tonight. And tomorrow I will be checking out my first 12 step meeting that deals with food. I am especially looking forward to that one.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel like I am hijacking this thread. It's supposed to be about abstinence. Mind you, I AM trying to abstain from sugar and abstain from eating in a way that hurts me. So maybe it's not as hijacked as I think?

Lemmie know if anyone wants me to break it off into a new thread and I (or any of the other mods) will

Regardless, thanks for the feedback and the opportunity to process through some of this - I very much appreciate it.

 

[ladylore]

Your not hijacking at all Healthbound.

I see addiction as secondary too because life event led up to the addiction. I deal with PTSD, before it was diagnosed I dealt with the symptoms the only way I knew how. Or at least the way I knew would give it a respite (at least I thought).

I went to a 12 step group for the first year and a half. Its a great starting off point so I wish you the best of luck. I have also checked out SMART Recovery and they are cool as it doesnt deal with only drugs and alchol. Draw back is is that all the meetings are in Vancouver.

 

[healthbound]

I haven't heard of SMART. I'll definitely have to look into that.

I was clean and sober for 7 years before my sister took her life. I got sober at a very young age, but my use of drugs and alcohol escalated very quickly. I became very preoccupied with mind altering substances the moment I was introduced to them. I was young and wasn't aware of any other ways to cope with the bizarre things that were going on at home or the sad things that had already happened.

By age 18 I was in high schools doing presentations about drugs, alcohol, dropping out, running away, crime etc. By 19yrs old I got pregnant, by 20 I had my son, by 21 was able to break away from my son's father (abusive relationship), and by 22 I was back in college going for my social worker degree and working. And at 23 my sister took her life (after calling me to say goodbye, and me rushing to "save" her but not getting there in time).

I felt guilty because at the time I was "saving" a bunch of kids I didn't even know and studying to "save" more people but couldn't even save my own sister. Argh. Just thinking about it brings up emotions. Anyway, I couldn't handle my grief and guilt and also became suicidal for the first time. I remember just wanting to be where she was. I remember feeling extremely upset because I didn't know where she was and therefore I couldn't be with her and I couldn't protect her. I always felt very protective of her and intervened on a number of occasions when she was in danger in the past, but couldn't do that this time.

And that's when I started drinking again. I had been taught that "to drink is to die". And that's exactly what I wanted...so I got back into the sauce. Luckily, like you ladylore, I was diagnosed with PTSD and did 8months of full time intensive therapy to treat it. After that, I got a job and things were OK for about a decade.

But then I entered a second major depressive episode, complete with suicidal ideation again. This time I was a bit paranoid and didn't tell anyone (which is NOT something I recommend or will repeat if I become suicidal again). I was scared, I'd be hospitalized and "they" would take my son away. To me, it was completely unacceptable that I was suicidal. I knew how suicide affected those left behind. It was hard to accept I might leave my son to deal with the repercussions of my self induced death.

But after about a year, I finally told a doctor and was immediately referred to therapy. I believe that was over 3 years ago. (It was also around that time I started using psychlinks -I valued being able to process with other people anonymously). I'm still seeing the same therapist on a weekly basis. I find it more helpful than anything I've tried before.

I actually didn't drink much during my second depression except near the end. And by the way...depression, suicidal ideation and booze do NOT mix well. Alcohol made my depression worse and only distorted my thoughts even more. It also drowned out what little rational thoughts I had left. Eventually, I ended up getting "arrested" very early one morning (after a good 15 hours of drinking) while attempting to take my life. I was hospitalized (and then escaped and was hospitalized again...but that's a whole other story, lol!) and never drank again.

I stopped drinking because it enhanced my destructive side. It took me to the bridge...because of my depression and preexisting condition. Not because I believe I am an alcoholic. I have no idea if I am or not. I just know that I'm terrified of experiencing another major depression and I'm extremely grateful the police were called the night/morning I was tried to take my life. I NEVER EVER want to experience that again. EVER.

Wowzers...I think this is the first time I've told this story in its entirety. Kinda feels good to get it out.

I rambled again, haha. What I intended to say was don't really feel like I fit in at the 12 step meetings because I feel like my core issues are what they refer to as "outside issues". But at the same time, I like going there because there are people who are working towards growth and I find that supportive. My son is graduating this year and is driving on his own now so I have much more free time. I want to work on developing some healthy and supportive friendships and thought the program would be a good place to go. I still think it is, I am just having trouble feeling like I really fit in there.

Thanks again for the opportunity to process. I'll try to keep it shorter next time, lol.

 

[white page]

Hi ,
Just to say how much I admire you all for talking openly about your addictions and facing up to them .
wishing everyone success in overcoming them. I know what immense courage it takes .

 

[ladylore]

Thanks for sharing that HB.:hug: Goes to show you that one never really knows what another person has gone through. I'm glad your on a healthier track these days.

I tell people I am in recovery - not that I am an addict or alcoholic, just in recovery. The maddening thing is I never knew what symptoms were caused by the addiction and what was PTSD related. It's alot clearer these days (some days).

Then I had to go through another proccess about the difference between legitimately needing medication versus drug use. I take an SSRI now and probably will need to for a long time. But if that is what will keep me from going into an extremely dark place - so be it.

:friends:

 

[amastie]

Hi HB,

far from your talking too much, you help me can by your sharing. I wonder how you can go through *so* much with such enormous courage. How much you have endured!

My own running away from difficulties, also resulting from trauma, are still not resolved though I continue to see an excellent psychiatrist as well as a counsellor. I suppose that we can only work at the level that we can.

My addiction is not alcohol but food but I also experience suicide ideation and the overeating, like the alcohol, helps to make that worse because it’s like giving in.

But I have never been through the death of my sister by suicide, not have I been through so many of the terrible experiences that others here have endured.

I honour your experience, your strength, your value as a human being

:flowers:

amastie

 

[healthbound]

Wow -thank you guys for the wonderful words and support It really felt good to "get it out" and then to read your responses.

We all have our own struggles and stories. That's why we're here . And we're all trying to improve our lives in some way shape or form.

I like what you said about being "in recovery" ladylore. That makes sense. I'm also on medication and am totally OK with it. I will most likely have to be on it for the rest of my life and that's just fine with me as long as it's helping keep me alive and functioning

amastie -I also struggle greatly with food. In fact, my problems with food are greater than my problems with alcohol in terms of addiction. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I have a problem with food. And there is also no doubt in my mind that I am addicted to certain foods. I can't really say the same about the alcohol though (as you've read). I quit the booze because it was making my depression worse.

But the food is different. And actually, THAT is what I am truly struggling with at present. I don't know the best way to deal with the problems with food. It's completely different.

Anyway, thank you all again. It's significant to me that I feel safe enough here to even discuss these things

 

[Jazzey]

I'm going to join this gang - determined to get healthy all the way around.

I fell off the smoking cessation wagon today - back on it first thing tomorrow morning.

I haven't had a drop of alcohol in days (four) (and I've removed all the alcohol from the house...)

Also considering AA, if I can stop talking myself out of it...

 

[ladylore]

4 days is great Jazzey! :yahoo: For the smoking, you have the right attitude. Get back on the horse so to speak. :goodjob:

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks Ladylore! :thankyou2:

Determined to not make a bad situation worse...

Thanks again for your kind words of encouragement!:airkiss:

 

[Into The Light]

good job jazzey :goodjob: :yahoo:

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks ITL - and thank you to you too for your support. I've done a lot of thinking over these last few days - Thank you.:flowers:

 

[Into The Light]

you're welcome. glad you're feeling at home and supported here and that we've got you thinking

 

[healthbound]

I know I'm a bit late, but just wanted to add my cheer for you too Jazzey! Way to go!

I fell off the smoking cessation wagon today - back on it first thing tomorrow morning.

I think that's the best part of beginning a new day every 24hrs...we get to try again

 

[amastie]

It's great Jazzey. It takes courage and each day counts.
Each moment counts.
:high5: :flowers:
amastie

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks Healthbound and Amastie...I read your posts first thing this morning and, it reminded me to keep going - good job.


...."oh yeah, I can't smoke today....":rules: