Abstinence Buddies Support

[amastie]

..still struggling with food. And I hate it. Sometimes I feel in control and other times I feel completely out of control. It's a constant battle and it's on my mind 24/7. My biggest struggle is the paradox between what I WANT to do and what I AM doing. I want to eat healthy and be healthy. Eat in a way that nourishes me. But instead I am eating in a way that makes me gain weight and hurting me. Grrrrrr...it sux.

Then I try to counter my eating by going on a ridiculously strict diet but can only manage that for so long. Some of the info I'm reading says I shouldn't abstain from any particular foods because that sets up a pattern for binging. And then others suggest abstaining is exactly what I should do.

Then I get more confused and so I sit down and try to think it all over with a glass of water and a chocolate bar, lol!!!

Oh well...I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point.

I *totally* understand
Know that I'm sending my very best wishes for you to arrive at a resolution. Don't know if it would help you, but when I can do it, so far the only thing that every helps me to lose the need to overeat is to do a meditation in which I take in a feeling of self-worth. It means practising that feeling fror 10-20 mins two or three times a day. There is something abou it that combats the thoughs that keep putting me down. It also is practised after first letting go of all thoughts and feeling, so the feeling of self-esteem comes into a quiet mind. The only reason I can't keep it up is that I have a reaction to feeling positive about myself (a different part of the story..)

But maybe a practic like this might help you too?

Heartfelt wishes :hug:

amastie

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks Healthbound

As for the food issue, I don't believe in abstaining precisely because of the binging issue. But, as we all know, it's the "balance" thing that we need to practice - balanced meal, balanced exercise program and good sleep.

Oh well, just because we're adults and we know, doesn't mean we don't struggle in practicing it - I'm there with you Healthbound!

 

[healthbound]

Thanks amastie and jazzey!

I had a better day today but still ate sugar. I'm trying not to "freak out" about it and I see my therapist tomorrow so I know I will be talking more about it then.

...so far the only thing that every helps me to lose the need to overeat is to do a meditation...

Thanks for the suggestion. I actually kept that in mind today. I couldn't do any meditation, but I did use some positive self talk. I am trying to separate the addiction/disorder (or whatever it is) from the part of me that wants health. I'm associating the part of me that wants health with being an adult and the addiction/disorder as a younger part of me that has a difficult time seeing past the want/craving. I dunno.

I also visited a few eating disorder sites last night and read a long long LONG list of health problems related to disordered eating. Sadly, I have some of them. There have been a number of seemingly sporadic health issues I've been struggling with for a number of years that are on that list. I've had repeated tests done with no answers to some of my symptoms/problems (heart palpitations, potassium deficiencies, iron depleted anemia and pitting edema) ---but I think they could be caused by my behaviors with food.

Anyway, it helps to read information like that because it makes me more conscious which helps me stop unconscious eating etc.

I don't believe in abstaining precisely because of the binging issue.

Makes sense. Although balance and abstinence both seem impossible, lol!!!!!

It's bizarre because the advice is soooo conflicted. Like...do I chose balance or abstinence? How do I figure out which route is better for me?

I'll keep reading my book and posting. It's been helpful just talking about it and hearing what you guys have done

Thanks again and how are you guys doing??

 

[Jazzey]

Don't worry too much about the abstinence / balance thing Healthbound- you're doing a great job just thinking about it and being aware of your actions. I think that sometimes, that's half the battle right there.:cheerleader:

I'm doing well - no alcohol (cigs, well, (sigh) - I'll get there). And now, I've also being a lot more careful about the things that I eat - I've up-ed the fruit and veggies.

Keep going Healthbound - and good luck.

 

[amastie]

Hi HB and Jazzey,

can't linger long right now. Just wanted to check in with you both.

HB, I'm glad you can talk about it here, even when everything around the issue is just too much :lol:

Jazzy, congratulations! .You're dong wonderfully Every step counts. Every one.

I honestly cannot talk about my food addiction because it's so tightly bound up in feelings of worthlessness that I can't shift for the life of me, except when I can practise that meditation I spoke of, and that too is sabotatged. Will get back to you both as soon as I can

Take very good care,

amastie

 

[healthbound]

hello abstinence buddies :laugh:
Glad to hear from both of you! I ate crap again today, but am feeling more optimistic today.

I saw my therapist and talked about my struggles with eating. She encouraged me to apply the tools I've learned to this issue. Makes sense. She said it sounded like I was struggling with splitting. I feel pressured (self inflicted) to figure out what my problem with food is (ie: addiction, binge eating or bulimia etc) and then to figure out the appropriate solution. This becomes complicated when there conflicting solutions for the problem - depending on which problem it is.

Awareness #1
So for example, I say to myself, "If I'm dealing with a sugar addiction then I need to go to a 12 step program and abstain from sugar forever (I know...I know...one day at a time, but I'm just telling u what my head says ). But if I'm dealing with binge eating or bulimia then i should practice patience and stay away from abstinence because that fuels the binge and/or purge cycle". And then I panic. And then I eat a lot of chocolate.

Soooooo...I'm going back to the things I've learned in therapy over that past couple of years. Observe and practice being present. When I am present, I can better determine what choices are best for me at any given time. Or more accurately, I can parent myself better, lol. So for now, that could include getting off the sugar for a while. It could also include re-introducing foods I deem "bad" (refined carbs, starch etc). But rather than making any black or white decisions, practice paying attention to my physical, emotional and mental needs. And then parenting myself in a way that helps meet those needs - just as I would do with my son. I have no problem being an excellent mom to my son and ensuring his safety, security, health etc. ...but I do have a serious problem doing that for myself.

Awareness #2
Today I realized that when I cut myself off from sugar, I also cut myself off from all processed/refined carbs as well as all starchy foods and veggies. Which basically leaves me with protein and salad or steamed green veggies. I wasn't aware I was doing that. I can only handle eating like that for so long before I feel the need to binge again. So maybe I do cut out the sugar for now, but I reintroduce brown rice or whatever. Challenge some of my ideas around food and weight.

Awareness #3
My current actions to lose weight are actually having the opposite effect and are making me gain weight! Until today, I had it stuck in my mind that the best way to lose weight is to avoid certain "bad" foods. But my therapist pointed out that when I restrict myself so harshly (eg. completely removing 1 or 2 food groups from my diet) I actually set myself up for a binge. And I gain weight when I binge...so, it's feasible that I might have more success with weight loss by re-introducing banned foods. Or at least beginning to think differently about them.

Anyway, I'm learning. Struggles with eating are much different than my past struggles with cigarettes, drugs or alcohol. Seems there are a few more variables and interesting complications that require me to bend my thinking in new ways.

Thanks for listening

PS...I'm also aware that my sister's death date is next week. I usually experience an increase in fear and dreams/nightmares for the few weeks preceding it. guess it kinda makes sense that i'd be reaching a bit more for comfort foods this time of year.

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry for your loss HB - and you'll be in my thoughts next week .:hug:

Today I realized that when I cut myself off from sugar, I also cut myself off from all processed/refined carbs as well as all starchy foods and veggies. Which basically leaves me with protein and salad or steamed green veggies. I wasn't aware I was doing that. I can only handle eating like that for so long before I feel the need to binge again. So maybe I do cut out the sugar for now, but I reintroduce brown rice or whatever. Challenge some of my ideas around food and weight.

...not to mention what this does to your metabolism (that's what I was going to say and then you pretty much said it in your next paragraph..)

You need the carbs to make the machine work properly - you can do without refined sugars though.

Looks to me like you figured a lot of things out. I think this is a really productive step HB. I'll join you on that path to better eating.

You mention brown rice - when I get tired of the brown rice, I also enjoy whole wheat couscous - hmmm.

Good luck HB - I'm rooting you on!
===============
Hi Amastie - Just saw your post - missed it before.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. You're a good inspiration Amastie - I'm saddened to think that, with all you offer, you still go down the path of feeling worthless....So, I'll tell you that you've been a good support for me and I'll encourage you right back Amastie!:hug:

 

[ladylore]

Your self-awareness is fantastic Healthbound.

One thing I have learned is that I need to replace what I have lost with a healthier choice. Without replacing what I needed to give up I just feel empty, lost and like I have lost my best friend.

I replaced Baileys with hot chocolate. Instead of heading to the nearest bar, I head for the nearest cafe (the one's that play great music). And you are right about the self-talk. I do watch what I say to myself and I have noticed that I have replaced 'I need to stop doing such and such' with 'this will be fun'.

I was also thinking about this - if you could give the sugar thing a form what shape would it be? What is it's texture? How does it feel tempurature-wise? If it could say something what would it say?

Putting a form to it has helped me tremendously. Then I imagine a light coming from the heavens and melting it away down into the earth to be recycled into something good.

I do this one for feelings, thoughts on a regular basis.

 

[amastie]

HB,
wanted only to let you know that I am thinkin of you at this time.
I'm needing to be very quiet but will be back in touch when I can.
Hugs for now :hug:
amastie

 

[healthbound]

I was also thinking about this - if you could give the sugar thing a form what shape would it be? What is it's texture? How does it feel tempurature-wise? If it could say something what would it say?

Putting a form to it has helped me tremendously. Then I imagine a light coming from the heavens and melting it away down into the earth to be recycled into something good.

Hey - what a cool way to let go of something...I love that and will definitely try it. Creative visualization works really well for me when I'm dealing with thoughts or feelings (although guided imagery for relaxation makes me anxious, lol). Thanks for that suggestion.

wanted only to let you know that I am thinkin of you at this time.
I'm needing to be very quiet but will be back in touch when I can.

Thanks amastie, I appreciate it. I haven't been reading many of the other threads so I don't know what's been going on with you...how come you are needing to be quiet? Or maybe it isn't something you are sharing right now?

Regardless...hope you are ok. :hug:

I really feel like I've been hijacking this thread...so, I've started a new topic here in the Eating Disorders section.

 

[amastie]

...
Thanks amastie, I appreciate it. I haven't been reading many of the other threads so I don't know what's been going on with you...how come you are needing to be quiet? Or maybe it isn't something you are sharing right now?

Regardless...hope you are ok. :hug:

I really feel like I've been hijacking this thread...so, I've started a new topic here in the Eating Disorders section.

You've certainly not been 'hijacking this thread'. I've welcomed hearing from you, and the others. I think I'm quiet more at present because Xmas is getting closer and I'm one of those not really keen on Xmas :sigh:

I've also recently had to have my dog put down after he suffered from serious heart problem, but I'm glad to know he's at peace.

At any rate, I can go through periods of being withdrawn so it's pretty par for the course for me.

I'll try to keep returning however. I love the community, the people here

Take good care,

amastie

 

[Jazzey]

Hey everyone,

I thought I'd "check in" a little here. I was being quiet because I had 1 glass of wine with diner last week (on Thursday)- went out to a restaurant with friends. They don't know that I'm not drinking right now and I didn't want to look conspicuous; I know, a little juvenile but there are still a few of my friends who don't know of my recent history and I'm not up for the explanations.

The good news is - it was only 1 glass of wine and I never took it any further. I'm still counting a victory at not having alcohol in the house - since November 21st!

HB - you're in my thoughts right now. Sending you a lot of support during this tough time.

Amastie - You're also in my thoughts during this difficult time.


I look forward to reading more of your posts (both of you) very soon when you're feeling a little better.:grouphug:

 

[healthbound]

Hey jazzey,
Glad to hear you were able to have one glass and leave it at that. That's progress. I'm still eating lots of sugar, but not as much as I used to. I think that's progress too. My awareness is different and that's contributing to my not "mindlessly" eating. I'm still eating too much sugar, but I am making progress. This is good

I've also recently had to have my dog put down after he suffered from serious heart problem, but I'm glad to know he's at peace.

I am sorry to hear about your dog :hug:
My sister's headstone says "At Peace". Maybe they're chillin' out together :angel: hee hee.

 

[amastie]

Dear Jazzey and HB,

I'm needing to be very brief at present. Finding it hard to get to bed (It's 5.40am and I'm tired. but I try to come on each day if I can, if only to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Jazzey, I think it's *great* that you only had the one glass of wine and that you are managing not to keep it in the house. I think you're amazing for what you are dong

HB, thank you for your kind wishes for my dog. I really like the idea that he is chilling out with your sister I had inherited when my mother died. He was her dog and I felt terrified of having any animal at all, that I wouldn't be able to care for him properly. I obsessed about every little thing for the first year but started to relax and learned to love him more and more. I also like to think that he is with my mother too.

Sending hugs and my very best wishes to you both
:hug: :flowers: :hug:

amastie

 

[ladylore]

I wanted to do a bit of a check-in and see how things are going for members who have been dealing with these types of issues presently or in the past.

Hope all is well.

 

[boi]

Hi Ladylore,
thats nice of you to check in. I have been doing fine...no cravings...how have you been doing?

 

[ladylore]

I have been doing well too Boi. I have found that I just don't want to have any type of alcohol around even. It's a nice place to be in.

I also need to remind myself every now and then not to drop the ball because I am doing well in this area. I have known a few people who have had completely relapsed because they convinced themselves that they were 'cured' and could control it now.

I am glad things are going well for you Boi. You deserve it.

 

[boi]

glad you are doing well too ladylore. I think its nice that you found a way to deal with it all...not having alcohol around etc...I was actually of one those people who thought I was cured....:dimples:

 

[Jazzey]

Just lending my support to everyone too and thanks for thinking of us LL.

 

[amastie]

Thank you ladylore for looking in
I'm a compulsive eater and, for that matter, a compulsive "self-put-downer" <lol>
Both of these have been shown to ease off when I can maintain a regular practrice of a meditation which I've been managing to do a bit more lately. My counsellor is proving the most help in working with me on the issues which prevent that. I left her today rapt because I felt that I could do my meditation without as much resistance - but must wait to see if that proves to be true.