Abstinence Buddies Support

[ladylore]

Thank you ladylore for looking in
I'm a compulsive eater and, for that matter, a compulsive "self-put-downer" <lol>
Both of these have been shown to ease off when I can maintain a regular practrice of a meditation which I've been managing to do a bit more lately. My counsellor is proving the most help in working with me on the issues which prevent that. I left her today rapt because I felt that I could do my meditation without as much resistance - but must wait to see if that proves to be true.

Meditation is one thing that I haven't been able to bring myself to do. So, Amastie :goodjob: . If you have any tricks of the trade in this area would you consider passing them on....please.

I spoke with my addiction counsellor yesterday as I signed up for the self-esteem program at the addiction centre. She gave me a gentle reminder that there would be people in all stages of recovery so to be my kind, compassionate self during the group. I use give people looks that could kill and she had called me on it in the past a few times.

Just goes to show me that there are past behaviours I really don't want to have back and traits that I am still working with, as in low frustration levels.

I have my last session with my trauma therapist in a couple of weeks so I am a bit anxious about that, but all in all I am handling things well.

Thanks gang :hug:

 

[amastie]

Meditation is one thing that I haven't been able to bring myself to do. So, Amastie ...If you have any tricks of the trade in this area would you consider passing them on....please. ...

Over many years, I've tried different forms of meditation. I need it first of all because I need to silence my overactive mind but also because only when I do silence the especially self-negating thoughts can I enable self-caring thoughts to enter (and I resist those *very* strongly)

If it helps at all, I do it in three steps.

1. First of all, I sit upright in a chair and picture my body just letting go. After a long while it happens much more naturally, but to start with it helps to actualy go through each part of my body and imagine it totally relaxed (it's not possible to imagine it being relaxed without it being relaxed).

2. Doing that tends already to slow my thoughts down because my mind automatically relaxes too, but to help it to relax and release thoughts, I next pretend to be dumb. Again, it's hard to imagine oneself dumb, totally dumb, and have thoughts in your head. I just let nothing mean anything to me, nothing of what I think or see or feel, just imagine it all having no meaning at all. Doing that in turn helps my body to relax more.

3. Finally, and fo rme most importantly, when my mind is most "dumb" and it seems even hard to think of anything, I let into my mind *only* one thought (really a feeling) and that is the feeling that I have value. I can picture this feeling of value filling up inside my body, a part of my body, or "see" it falling down on top of me. But nothing else, no other feeling or thought.

A big point in all this is that my mind *will* want to think of things and my feelings *will* want to feel other things, but each time I'm aware of anything else at all I go dumb to it again, Again, I imagine myself unable to register it.

I have a *huge* problem allowing myself to feel self-worth, and have even experienced a pain shooting through me when I let go too much, but that is where my counsellor is helping me a lot. For example, only two weeks ago, I found a way to "hand over" that shooting pain to a very strong man I can picture in my mind. For me, there is a spiritual context to that "man" but I don't see that there needs to be a spiritual context if one can just picture a very strong person in one'e mind to whom one can "hand over" the pain or the resistance that one is feeling.

Today (actually yesterday now), I left my session with my counsellor rapt again because even though I had had success with no longer feeling the pain shooting through me when I let go, I still had an awful lot of other stuff stopping me from doing it, and with the counsellor today, we worked on that resistance very well again. Fingers crossed that I can do the meditation more easily as a result. Time will tell. But I see her ever week so I have good, ongoing support.

...I signed up for the self-esteem program at the addiction centre....

That's wonderful news! Keep us posted how it goes.

..She gave me a gentle reminder that there would be people in all stages of recovery so to be my kind, compassionate self during the group. I use give people looks that could kill and she had called me on it in the past a few times...

Sounds like wise advice :support:

...I have my last session with my trauma therapist in a couple of weeks so I am a bit anxious about that, but all in all I am handling things well....

Sending much :support: and :hug: to help strengthen you at this time.
I wonder why you can't continue to see your trauma therapist - if that's what you want to do? (By the way, the psychiatrist I see is herself an expert in trauma and I find her to be very good too. She has an excellent understanding of me and supports the work I do with the counsellor. I don't have much support from family and others - it's too much for them, but I do have excellent support from my psychistrist and counsellor so I'm better off than many I hope that you have the support you need if you must stop seeing this trauma counsellor :hug: :flowers:

 

[ladylore]

The meditation Amastie is awesome!! I specifically like the 'going dumb' part. I will need to try that technique because it just might work. Thank you so much for sharing this - means alot.

As for my trauma counselling, it was only suppose to be a year and the year is up a few weeks. But after a year's break I can apply again (so I can apply again next febuaruy).

I do have support Amastie and thanks for the inquiry. I get along famously with at least one of my sister's. I love my nephew (her son) as if he was my own. I still get to see my addictions counsellor once a month. I was suppose to start some program at Mental Health next week but that has been postponed for now. But it will happen so I do have that as a bit of a support too. And of course there is Psychlinks and all of you wonderful people.

I haven't had this much support in a long time and I don't mind saying I'd like to keep it for as long as possible. This past year I have also learned a ton of skills to deal with PTSD symptoms in all it's forms which also help to deal with any addiction issues that come up.

Have a great day. :hug::friends:

 

[amastie]

..I specifically like the 'going dumb' part. I will need to try that technique because it just might work. Thank you so much for sharing this - means alot....

My pleasure
) For me, there's actually more to it, but that was the gist of it. The letting go can take on various forms all in the name of doing whatever enables me to best let go at the time. I resist letting go mentally - especially feelings of positive and self-approval - and I'm still dealing with that. I'm *so* happy when a particularly effective meditaiton leaves me free not only of the need to overeat and the need to put myself down, but also frees me of the "personalities" which I experience taking me over as someone with Dissociative Disorder. They back off and leave me in peace - and I'm not longer acting from an inner "child" in distress or a condeming "man" bringing thoghts of hurting me. Instead, I'm mature and at one with myself and others. I cannot begin to say how much that means to me :tearyeyed:

I know that I'm speaking too much but the matter of my meditation and its power to stop me from my ongoing compulsive, self-negating patterns of behavious has become the one thing at present that I am resting all my hope on. Not that I don't require medication to help overcoime the worst of my anxiety when that overtakes me. I do need that and I've been taking more of it lately because I have been feeling physically weak (which leaves me more open to be sabotaged mentally). That happens when my diet is poor in certain green leafy vegetables. I've resumed eating those so I will pick up from that too.

The benefit in having a very active mind is that it is easier then to use one's imagination to conjure ways to *let go* of the thinking

I did my meditation effectively when I first woke today and I'm still feeling grounded and at peace as a result. In order to build on the effect of it, I have to do it regularly - at least three times a day, and preferably every coupleof hours. If I keep that up, then all the good effects accumulate - I lose weight, am able to move and accomplish tasks and can relate to others wth maturity.

In the past, the practise of letting go and feeling self-worth has caused a very painful backlash - from a very deep terror of my feeling self-approval (related to early trauma) but with the counsellor, I am be working through that fear and am more hepeful as a result. Of course, the off-shoot of being so hopeful is that when I strike another more resistance, hope becomes again despair. But having the counsellor working so well with with me gives me reason to think that whatever resistance starts to manifest, I will be able to deal with it.

...As for my trauma counselling, it was only suppose to be a year and the year is up a few weeks. But after a year's break I can apply again (so I can apply again next febuaruy)....

Our system of therapy is very different here in Australia - and from what I've heard, I wouldn't live anywhere else if you paid me! There is no limit on how long I can see my psychiatrist - most of the cost of seeing her is covered by Medicare (a Government public health rebate scheme). I've been seeing her now just over 8 years. The counsellor rs not rebatable so it's harder to affod but *very* helpful,

I can apply again next febuaruy....

That's great!

....I do have support Amastie and thanks for the inquiry. I get along famously with at least one of my sister's.....

I miiss that degree of closeness with family. My problems have been too alienating, too challenging for them from too early an age - but they are good people who support me in any whichever way they can.

....I still get to see my addictions counsellor once a month. I was suppose to start some program at Mental Health next week but that has been postponed for now. But it will happen so I do have that as a bit of a support too. And of course there is Psychlinks and all of you wonderful people....

I"m glad you have those supports.

...This past year I have also learned a ton of skills to deal with PTSD symptoms in all it's forms which also help to deal with any addiction issues that come up....

That's wonderful

..Have a great day

You too! :hug: :friends:

 

[ladylore]

I resist letting go mentally - especially feelings of positive and self-approval - and I'm still dealing with that. I'm *so* happy when a particularly effective meditaiton leaves me free not only of the need to overeat and the need to put myself down, but also frees me of the "personalities" which I experience taking me over as someone with Dissociative Disorder.

I wouldn't let go of the positive feelings about yourself Amastie - those are keepers.

Our system of therapy is very different here in Australia - and from what I've heard, I wouldn't live anywhere else if you paid me! There is no limit on how long I can see my psychiatrist - most of the cost of seeing her is covered by Medicare (a Government public health rebate scheme). I've been seeing her now just over 8 years. The counsellor rs not rebatable so it's harder to affod but *very* helpful,

This therapist wasn't a psychiatrist. She worked in a program that specialized in trauma which was run by a community agency.

Here in BC, as far as I know, someone can see their pscyh for as long as needed as it is covered under our provincial mediacal.

 

[amastie]

Oh, so in that sense, we have a very similar system

 

[ladylore]

Oh, so in that sense, we have a very similar system

We do indeed.

I was think about eating addictions, like the one you deal with Amastie. When I am under stress I tend not to eat - it's the opposite of what you are talking about, I know. The not eating is about gaining control I think, and I know when I overeat or consume really unhealthy food it is strictly about comfort.

Food is a hard one because we need to eat to live. Thank you for bringing this up.

 

[Halo]

I know when I overeat or consume really unhealthy food it is strictly about comfort.

:agree: Exactly, looking for that comfort through eating but unfortunately for me it never comes in the form of food.

 

[amastie]

I'm actually aware, at different times, of eating mostly for comfort, but also - because of the nature of my dissociating from my body - eating also to hurt myself - ie being driven by someone inside me to eat and not being fully in control of my will at that time. I think I mean by that not simply being in control of my own feelings, but having had my feelings delivered over to someone else inside me. A separation from myself. I experience the same compulsion in other ways that sabotage me. It's the nature of co-existing with "other people" inside me wanting to control what I do, what I think and how I feel (especially feelings of worthlessness). To paraphrase the advertisement for a tv program: "It's a hassle, but it's my hassle".

But I forget - it's other people's hassle as well, and it humbles me to know that others deal with what I deal with and much, much more besides. It recalls to me how much easier I do have it in this life and I'm sorry for the complaints that I make :blush:

 

[Jazzey]

I've never seen you complain Amastie. I've been a little silent on this thread because I relate to everything you've said here. I use food to punish myself - but in a different way. I can go days without eating...even though I know it's not helping my situation. And, as you know, I use alcohol...

:hug: :hug:

 

[ladylore]

But I forget - it's other people's hassle as well, and it humbles me to know that others deal with what I deal with and much, much more besides. It recalls to me how much easier I do have it in this life and I'm sorry for the complaints that I make

Complain away. You, like everyone else has lived a unique life - all your own.

One thing I love about this forum and particularly what you said Amastie is the humanity of it all. We need each other and by sharing our experiences with each other we find that we really aren't alone. Someone else may have had a similar experience too and can help carry the load.

 

[ladylore]

So here is a question.

When you have had a good day and the addiction seems to be under control what happened to make it work? What changed, what tools did you use to gain a bit more control over the addiction?

 

[amastie]

...I've been a little silent on this thread BECAUSE I relate to everything you've said here. I use food to punish myself - but in a different way. I go days without eating...even though I know it's not helping my situation. And, as you know, I use alcohol......

Just a reminder ..
:hug: :friends: :support: :flowers:

amastie added 7 Minutes and 51 Seconds later...

...One thing I love about this forum ...is the humanity of it all. ....by sharing our experiences with each other we find that we really aren't alone. Someone else may have had a similar experience too and can help carry the load.

Yes, it's enormously important.
As much as I talk too easily, too much (and there are reasons for that too) I *also* feel a certain obligation to speak out when so many others have no voice, are not heard.

I want people to be heard.

I know it's ironic for me to say that when it is me who does so much of the talking but it has often happened that people will say "I'm so glad you said that / asked that question. I couldn't say it". That means a lot to me. And you're right ladylore, it's because we are all human. We mirror each other. And we are all - mentally ill or not - much more alike than we are different. It's just that some people haven't figured that out yet - says me arrogantly

 

[Jazzey]

...I read all of your posts Amastie, precisely because of your insight.

When you have had a good day and the addiction seems to be under control what happened to make it work? What changed, what tools did you use to gain a bit more control over the addiction?

Sorry LL. I'm not ignoring you. I'm taking your questions with me. I just have to think about this a little. :hug:

 

[amastie]

So here is a question.

When you have had a good day and the addiction seems to be under control what happened to make it work? What changed, what tools did you use to gain a bit more control over the addiction?

Very good question.
I am now nearly 60 years of age and have put in most of those years trying to find answers to that very question. Over the years, there have been many answers - some fleeting, others costly, and others again which required following the rules laid down by people, professionals or not - but none come close to the combination which works best for me. I stress "for me". And that is the combination of my meditation and - working in concert with that - my communion with what I call my spirit guides. Some people would refer to them as their guardian angels. Most people would have no name for them at all, and no belief that they exist. I am not proposing that other people believe in something because I do. It is right for me.

When I am able to practise it regularly, at least three times a day, it is helpful on *all* areas of my life - I come away from . it without a need to overeat. I don't simply mean that I feel like dieting. I actually lose all need to eat more than what is healthy. It restores me to a truly mature way of relating to others, calms me enormously, leaves me unafraid of feeling good about myself, makes me able to accomplish tasks (something that has long been a huge impediment in my life) and it frees me of those other "people" who inhabit the space inside which should be filled only with me.

My psychiatrist applauds any work that I do which enables me to do my meditation. She has seen the huge benefit. My counsellor creates a safe space in which I can work specifcally with my "guides" to free me of the fear and the hindrances to doing my meditation - and it is my counsellor who is proving the most help at present for that reason.

Sometimes, I am so full of hope that I will be able to maintain the practice of my meditation, but shortly realize, again, that fear or other resistance stops me from doing it. Too much hope gives then gives way to too much despair and, like others in these forums, such despair can be all-consuming. Then I see the counsellor, "hear" the counsel of my "guides", feel the cloud of resistance lift from me again and *again* my hope is raised.

Nother else comes close to this practice and never has.

Anti-anxiety medication definitely helps when despair and also resistance take hold. it is also *very* effective at liberating me from the "personalites" (as I call them, who operate inside me). So I've also been blessed to find the right medication. But medication alone doesn't hold the hope of overcoming those personalities. Till this point, only my meditation and my communiing with my guides has shown promise of that.

In saying that, I also know that I've been at this a very long time, and there are no guarantees. I am morbidly obese, for obvious reasons, and wile I keep relatively good health considered, everyone dies some time an I may not see an end of my experience of the "personalites" or my resistance to self-approval in this life. Then I recall to myseld another part of my Spiritualist belief - it is not the destination which matters in the end, but what I have committed to the journey.

Sometimes, I admit, my belief becomes swamped by my despair and suicide has definitely been on my mind at times. My psychiatrist knows that too. As a Spiritualist, I believe that if I don't do all that I can till the day I die, then I will come back to learn the same lessons next time - and I don't want to repeat them! But I also have compassion for those for whom it is too much and I don't judge those who do give up. I just keep reminding myself that it is commitment to the journey that counts. Whatever happens, it's the journey..

I've said too much but I'm very conscious that what I've said is true (for me) and therefore fully human. I am human, and that is a wonderul thing to be.

 

[Jazzey]

You always touch my heart Amastie. Thanks again for sharing such deep emotions. I wish I could find some way to give you comfort....

:hug:

 

[amastie]

You always touch my heart Amastie. Thanks again for sharing such deep emotions. I wish I could find some way to give you comfort....

:hug:

Guess what? You do
Good night my friend. :hug: :flowers: :hug:

 

[Jazzey]

Good night Amastie. Take good care of yourself! :hug:

 

[ladylore]

Hi,
I have a read a few posts lately where different people are struggling a bit in this area. I thought I would do a check-in and see how everyone is doing.

How are you?

I am almost 3 yrs clean but there are times I still have problems. I get the mindset of when I was using and drinking, and I am just short of picking up. So, If you are struggling, or even have used - it's ok. The support is here and this is a safe place to talk about it and maybe a bit of brainstorming to assist you on this road.

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks for all your support LL. I am struggling right now, but I can't verbalize any of it for the time being. But I did want to acknowledge you're reaching out to everyone, me included.