Abstinence Buddies Support

[ladylore]

I came across this today on another forum. It is from a book called 100 Blessings Every Day.

I am not much into the 12 Steps anymore, but I found this particularly moving.

Think about the time you may have spent in active addiction. You were far away, on a long journey going elsewhere. But when you come home, you are always welcome, even if you come home late.

I thank my lucky stars that I was welcomed back with open arms. I appreciate being clean and sober even more.

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you LL...I have been out of control lately. The weird part us that it seems to be a conscious decision. I don't go into withdrawal or anything like this. I just don't like myself in any way, shape or form - this leads to irresponsible behaviours on my part. There's a part of me that really wants to do myself harm. What can I say? I know this doesn't seem rational. On one part of me, I want to get better, to live life and remember all the good stuff and on the other part of me...I just don't want to do any of this anymore. So, I drink with the hope that maybe, just maybe, I just won't wake up tomorrow....I'm tired. And the alcohol takes some of that pain away. It enables me to not hate myself as much as I do...If only for a few hours...And then I'll start this cycle all over again tomorrow. Did I mention I'm tired of all of this?

Oh yeah - forgot one important piece of the puzzle...I've managed to alienate the bulk of the friendships I did have in my life. I'm usually the saving grace that swoops in to save the day. But I think my swooping days are over now.

 

[ladylore]

I will do a search and see what information I can up with. But what I can say to you is that this isn't your fault.

You may think your in control Jazzey, up to a point yes and then again no. It has been proved through brain scans that alcohol 'short circuits' part of the brain. Different drugs short circuit other parts of the brain.

About 3 months into my clean time I went though something where my brain and body confused drugs with food and water - things that sustained life. I was receiving messages that if I didn't use I wouldn't live because I had to have to sustain my life. Of course that isn't true but those were the messages my body was sending out.

At some point when you feel safe enough and trust your therapist, you may want to tell her about your struggle in this area. I found that it is all tied together and I had to deal with my dependence for substances at the same time as the trauma.

Thank you for confiding here about this. It can be complicated.

:friends:

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you LL...sincerely. I think the alcohol, for me at least, is tied to not wanting to be here anymore. I won't go on about this- I'm just tired LL. I find all of this really complicated for me.

But I appreciate all of your support - always. :hug: :friends:

..And take me with a grain of salt, it's been a little bit of a rough week with my (how do you say Mom in jewish? ) - I'm just saturated hon - and I just don't want to do any of this anymore...

:heart: thank you LL.

 

[ladylore]

I have been there and know that feeling well. One moment at a time. Your not alone.:support:

 

[ladylore]

how do you say Mom in jewish?

Mother in Hebrew is 'Em'

 

[Jazzey]

In that case, my 'Em' has been driving me bonkers

 

[Jazzey]

..I've been a little out of control lately. I'm hoping that I can get back on the healthy track this week...

Any support that I can get right now would be welcomed. Sorry everyone - I'm always full of really great intentions - and that's pretty much where it ends. But I can't keep feeling guilty about it. It's slowly killing me - the guilt of it all, the irresponsibility that comes with it.

Help?

 

[ladylore]

What do you mean by 'out of control'? I may be able to assist you if I know your definition of the term - mine may be a bit different.

 

[Jazzey]

I've been drinking every day - a lot (really a lot - hard stuff and the other stuff). It's taking more and more alcohol for me to feel 'safe'. And I've been going there. And then my thoughts go further. I'm tired Robyn. I'm not even trying anymore.

 

[forgetmenot]

Jazzey i am sorry to see you are strugglling. I know that feeling of not wanting to be here at times. Moms do drive you crazy at times mine calls alot too. I never turned to alcohol Jazzey because I saw first hand how it destroyed people my twin and brothers now my daughter. I sometimes would like something to dull my pain so i know your reasoning. I hope tommorrow is a better day for you Jazzey. You give so much here I wish i could help you take some of your pain away. Take care Jazzey I am so grateful you are here to support me I just wanted to let you know that mary

 

[ladylore]

You may want to figure out first - what do you want? What is the goal for you? Do you want to stop drinking? Then go from there.

I would mention this to your therapist - how bad it is because adjustments can be made on the sessions so you are not feelings so overwhelmed.

This is only a start. I have many, many other suggestions for you. But the basics are the questions I asked are the important ones. I know the first question that I got when I slipped and was in danger of a relapse was "What do I want to do about it?" Once I knew it was easier. I could get a plan together.

Glad you said something because this is what this thread is also for. The support is here for you.:support::hug:

 

[Jazzey]

..thank you Mary and LL - from the bottom of my heart :heart:...Right now, I'm just struggling. I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be a part of any of this. I don't want to sound melo - but I'm really done...I just want to go away...I won't because I know that this will affect other people in my life - and I don't want to affect them. if they weren't a factor...

Thank you both for responding to me tonight. Mary, a few short years ago, I didn't touch any alcohol...this is new to me..And again, I don't understand it other than in the context of wanting to disappear.

Much love - sorry, I know that I'm wrought with cynicism...I will go to bed and go to work tomorrow...With a smile on my face, as usual. :hug: :hug:

 

[forgetmenot]

God Jazzey don't be sorry we have all been in the same place. I am glad you can see your twin and family would be devastated if you weren't here. I know work is sometimes an escape for me i hope it is for you too Jazzey. The sessions are overwhelming you Jazzey talk with your T to let him know it is too much. Your T will help you Jazzey. This feeling of despair and not wanting to do it anymore this will pass and you will find strength again Jazzey. As for the alcohol Jazzey try to get a councillor that can help you. Don't let it get to the point where it takes everything away Jazzey. Don't let him make you become the victim again please Jazzey take care and come to us for support talk to us and we will help you okay. I can only tell you that the alcohol is a very destructive tool to use Jazzey but then you already know that. I will pray for you Jazzey. You are someone so special Jazzey and you don't deserve to feel this pain you deserve to be happy Jazzey take care sending you a special hug mary:support::grouphug3:

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you Mary- I promise that I'll do this responsibly. I've had enough of my behaviours lately. My psychologist is aware of my behaviours- no secrets there. I'm sorry for worrying you. Tonight's just a bit of a rough night for me...but I promise you that I'll get back on track tomorrow. ..Ugh...Just a rough patch Mary - but I'm doing it honestly this time around.

Thank you for caring, :hug: :hug:

 

[forgetmenot]

Thats okay Jazzey rough patches i know about I know your a fighter Jazzey and Its people like you Jazzey that share what their going through that helps others like me. Im not worry Jazzey I know you will come back Have a good nights rest morning comes early :support:

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks again Mary. ...And I am a fighter. This is just a temporary setback...Your support meant a lot to me tonight Mary - thank you. :hug: :hug:

 

[ladylore]

There is another forum I found a few weeks ago. It's called intherooms.com I have found alot of great support there. It is based on the 12 Steps - they say it's a place to hang out the 23 hours people aren't at the meeting.

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you LL...honestly. I will scope it out at some point. This weekend I had an opportunity to think things over. I don't think that I've been honest with myself in recent times. Thank you for helping me Robyn. You've always been one of my greatest advocates.... :heart:

 

[ladylore]

No problem - If people hadn't been in my corner I don't know where I would be right now.

Another option may be to call up a detox centre or other drug/alcohol counselling centre and see what is in your area and what your options are. You already have a therapist, so that is definitely a bonus. More support to help you deal with the other stuff.

:support: