Hey greenstarz,
Awesome that you have someone to back you up in person. Heck, I might even visit you at the hospital if I lived nearby, if you allowed it. I would hate to be in a hospital all by myself. You could always let her come and see you, and just see how things go. You don't have to be scared to tell her when she comes that you may need to keep the visit very short.
The other thing, greenstarz, is that you keep thinking you can only get help if you are suicidal "now" -- but you have been suicidal lots of times, and not a lot of time elapses between these thoughts. So not only are you suicidal, you are thinking about it more than once a day. If I was thinking about suicide more than once a day, wouldn't you tell me to go to the hospital?
You deserve whatever help you can get whenever you need it. You don't have to wait and wait. It's a victory if you do, because it's like you are battling yourself, and you will win when you get into that fortress of help.
If you are worried about your meds, can you find your psychiatrist's contact info and tell the people yourself at the hospital "Here is what I am on and the dosages." If you don't tell them, they won't know and will probably just medicate you because they want to help you, but don't know what you're already on. Their files may not be up to date, so maybe if they know what you are taking (do you have pill bottles and prescriptions you can bring in your purse for proof?) and have a contact who is your doctor they can keep you on the same meds. You need someone to stick up for you and make sure they don't try different medication, right, so if you don't feel strong enough to put your foot down, either get that lady to help you (if she's from your group maybe she can get the group counselor to speak on your behalf or something?)...
I think you made the right decision, but you're just bogged down under all your thoughts and spinning your wheels. I agree with Steve: you have to try to shrug off all the noise in your head to get to the important message: you need help! You don't need to hold back anymore, greenstarz. Git.
Awesome that you have someone to back you up in person. Heck, I might even visit you at the hospital if I lived nearby, if you allowed it. I would hate to be in a hospital all by myself. You could always let her come and see you, and just see how things go. You don't have to be scared to tell her when she comes that you may need to keep the visit very short.
The other thing, greenstarz, is that you keep thinking you can only get help if you are suicidal "now" -- but you have been suicidal lots of times, and not a lot of time elapses between these thoughts. So not only are you suicidal, you are thinking about it more than once a day. If I was thinking about suicide more than once a day, wouldn't you tell me to go to the hospital?
You deserve whatever help you can get whenever you need it. You don't have to wait and wait. It's a victory if you do, because it's like you are battling yourself, and you will win when you get into that fortress of help.
If you are worried about your meds, can you find your psychiatrist's contact info and tell the people yourself at the hospital "Here is what I am on and the dosages." If you don't tell them, they won't know and will probably just medicate you because they want to help you, but don't know what you're already on. Their files may not be up to date, so maybe if they know what you are taking (do you have pill bottles and prescriptions you can bring in your purse for proof?) and have a contact who is your doctor they can keep you on the same meds. You need someone to stick up for you and make sure they don't try different medication, right, so if you don't feel strong enough to put your foot down, either get that lady to help you (if she's from your group maybe she can get the group counselor to speak on your behalf or something?)...
I think you made the right decision, but you're just bogged down under all your thoughts and spinning your wheels. I agree with Steve: you have to try to shrug off all the noise in your head to get to the important message: you need help! You don't need to hold back anymore, greenstarz. Git.
but i can do it. i hhope tonihgt goes ok and i don't feel like I have to injure. i wont do it, if it gets too bad i can always call the hospital. i mihgt not call them tomottow and instead just go there. i haven't decided yet. i really don't likethe phone. i just have to get some things together first. and call my brother to see if he will stay with my cats and take care of everything. i know i wont be in there long, but my cats need someone to take care of them. i feel really sad right now 
