Can't wait until the holidays are over:(

[adaptive1]

Hi Guys

Just me looking for somewhere safe to express what I can't say to anyone else, thanks for being that place. This site has helped me so much, I have been pretty forthcoming on here about my OCD struggles, but I have been pretty secret not just on here but in my own life as well about my on and off struggles with bulimia.

The holidays make it worse with so much food around, I have been doing well with this but just went on a downward spiral of binge eating. Dont know what triggered me, went to a self help group, could not be honest about it, everyone there seemd to be getting better and it made me worse. Likely I was still in denial, not really wanting to admit that I have this problem. Like somehow I am abovee it all. Being the group joker, everyone laughed at my jokes, felt compelled to keep it up. Accomplished nothing except felt like a fool.

Maybe being at home for the holidays, the focus on new years dieting resolutions all around us, stupid People Magazine with their Half their Size cover stories... every day lately I say the next day will be different... but it isn't. It is so quickly addictive, and I panic at the weight gain. They are having a biggest loser contest at work and three people asked me if I am doing it. How am I supposed to feel if I get asked that, of course like I should lose weight.

I am 5'9, wasn't over weight but feel like I am getting there with the way I am going, numbing my self with food and then throwing up. Everyone else i know seems so tiny and petite, I shouldnt care, I thought I didnt care, so why my diet obsession. Another OCD trap, I don't know.

I hope tomorrow is different this time, wonder what it will take.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The holidays are difficult for a lot of people, Adaptive1. It seems there's just too much of everything: too much food, too much stress, too much forced hapiness and pressure to act happy, too much togetherness, too much spending... just far too much of everything.

When it's all over, it's like a sigh of relief goes around the world.

 

[adaptive1]

Thanks for the reminder Dr B.

You are right I think, maybe things will feel more 'normal' after the holidays, what ever normal is of course. Well , hope you have a safe and happy new year.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hope you are feeling a little better today adaptive l i know i can't wait until all this is over as well take care okay try to concentrate on just getting through one day at a time okay. If your bulimia gets worse please talk with your doctor okay see what supports you can get to hopefully get you back on track take care

 

[adaptive1]

Thanks Spirit, I am sure I will make it through but appreciate your kind support. Sitting here, reading my mindful eating book, I know thats the answer, hard to remember sometimes and it is a lot harder to work at that then control my impulses and deal with uncomfortable feelings. Daniel used to talk about acceptance, wish I had thanked him when he was on the forum for all his advice over the years. Gosh I have been a member on here for a long time, had lots of ups and downs, seen lots of people come and go. It is weird to be the one that keeps coming back, I always imagine others get it together and here I am still here, with all my continual ups and downs all these years later, I guess that's just the way life goes. I feel like I should have a ton of advice for everyone on here by now, but, the more I learn, I feel like the more I have to learn. Maybe I just have to truly accept myself, I think I have and then I get blindsided by these set backs and I feel humbled by how far I have left to go. Maybe when I am 90 I will truly have it all together..

Yes, I am rambling now, not much else to do at 1:00 am in the prairies in the freezing cold winter weather. Only New Years Eve to get through now really, all the so called forbidden foods will be out tomorrow night and then they will be packed away come January 1 and I guess we will all be restricting ourselves to some degree. I am so tired of being on a diet, I have been on a diet since I was a teenager and I have nothing to show for it except a lot of charges on my credit card for the latest diet and exercise craze. For once I am going to try and not make dieting part of my new years resolution. How about we live in a world where success isn't measured by how much weight you lost, and instead by what you do for the people in this world. Oh, I can only dream of such a place but I am afraid right now I am part of the problem, not part of the solution.

 

[forgetmenot]

I miss Daniel as well he had a lot of excellent advice and connections You are not the problem at all the illness is the problem. I have watch people come and go as well and miss them so much but they have moved on. It is a shame people judge you for what is on the outside when it is what is on the inside that does truly count. I am glad you continue to reach out for support adpative 1 we all need support at different times in our lives I hope this New Year comes and gos quickly it is so much emotion around these days very hard to deal with. Keep reaching out okay . take care.

 

[adaptive1]

Well, back to work Monday and I made it through the holidays, although not without injury to my pride and self esteem. I don't know why I "confessed" this problem on the forum. I put it out there at a moment of weakness, some people are so open with things, I admire that, I am so not that way. When I get back to my routine on Monday I am sure things will be better and I suppose I can continue to live in denial and wont feel the need to write about this again. I can only hope.

 

[forgetmenot]

I do not think you were weak at all adaptive l It took strength to open up to share alot of it. Living in denial one cannot heal that way one only survives With the right support and help adaptive you can beat the problem or at least keep it under control It is always nice hearing from you take care okay hugs.