stargazer
Member
I've been wanting to post here for a while, but I couldn't quite locate the appropriate thread for what has been on my mind.
It seems to me that throughout my life, a lot of my lack-of-progress has been related to my self-esteem, and in particular to conflicting self images that I have been unable to reconcile within myself. I have also had a difficult time expressing this conflict to friends and counselors, which has on occasion led me to feel misunderstood.
On the one hand, I have an image of myself as a talented musician and a kind teacher, sometimes even inspired perhaps, generally well-liked, clean-cut, a nice guy, able to make a contribution to the community, and so forth.
On the other hand, I see myself as completely messed up in the head, borderline-insane, distemperate & grouchy, frustrated, irritable, impulsive, scattered, unfocused, and unstable.
Somehow my students and their parents almost *never* see the darker side of me. People who do see that side, on the other hand, have a hard time believing that I can fairly calmly do the things I claim I can do professionally, in the good-natured way that I claim I can do them. But I know it's true, and it's true basically because that's what I enjoy doing. So I'm generally in a good mood while doing it (teaching, playing the piano, etc.) It's almost an escape--but for 16 years, it was an escape that made me money. In the past 2 1/2 years, it has not.
I think part of the problem is that I tend to view myself in the manner that others see me, and I form my self-definition based on their perceptions. How can I resolve this conflict?
It seems to me that throughout my life, a lot of my lack-of-progress has been related to my self-esteem, and in particular to conflicting self images that I have been unable to reconcile within myself. I have also had a difficult time expressing this conflict to friends and counselors, which has on occasion led me to feel misunderstood.
On the one hand, I have an image of myself as a talented musician and a kind teacher, sometimes even inspired perhaps, generally well-liked, clean-cut, a nice guy, able to make a contribution to the community, and so forth.
On the other hand, I see myself as completely messed up in the head, borderline-insane, distemperate & grouchy, frustrated, irritable, impulsive, scattered, unfocused, and unstable.
Somehow my students and their parents almost *never* see the darker side of me. People who do see that side, on the other hand, have a hard time believing that I can fairly calmly do the things I claim I can do professionally, in the good-natured way that I claim I can do them. But I know it's true, and it's true basically because that's what I enjoy doing. So I'm generally in a good mood while doing it (teaching, playing the piano, etc.) It's almost an escape--but for 16 years, it was an escape that made me money. In the past 2 1/2 years, it has not.
I think part of the problem is that I tend to view myself in the manner that others see me, and I form my self-definition based on their perceptions. How can I resolve this conflict?