Confused and feeling stupid

[Martina]

I left my abuser in June 2009. I had left many times before that only to return. This time I left is different. I am still gone and have also filed papers for child support and custody with the court.

During the time I have been gone Ive struggled being on my own. Im on welfare raising 3 kids by myself. Asking myself.. was it really that bad? Then ofcourse I would pick up his phone calls and listen to him say he is sorry and how much he misses me. The attention feels good considering I only recieved negative attention in our years together. I end up going to visit him with the kids spending a weekend.. being intimate.. having the life i always wanted before i left. everything seems so perfect. But Im still weary. Im still on guard. I still dont go back... I said i would spend christmas with him and the kids... I even bought him a present on my welfare income. Then i get his response to my court papers.

My lawyer calls me and says to come down read it and see if i want to respond. Im excited.. he's been telling me that during his meeting with his lawyer he is settling out of court.. agreeing to everything i want. Well.. he is motioning for my application to be thrown out. Saying that I spend every single weekend with him and we are intimate and are in a current relationship. He denys all the abuse accusations.. he makes me sound like a lazy person.. saying he works cleans and cooks and i do nothing. makes me look like a liar.

Im basically in shock.. even though i should have seen it comming. I dont know what to do.. although I do admit to seeing him here n there.. it wasnt every weekend. after speaking to my lawyer he said the fact that I have been seeing him and being intamate with him could have my case thrown out. They are going to question the abuse due to the fact I am still seeing him and am being intamate.. I so at loss of words.. I tell my ex that christmas is off.. and he freaks out on me.. visions of our past come forward and i feel foolish for being tricked. and at the end of it all.. I still feel bad.. I still feel guilty for not spending christmas with him.. my mind says im right.. my heart is aching... how do they have soo much control over us.. even when we have left..

I guess i needed to vent.. just so mad at myself right now for being sucked in. thanks for reading.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You might want to get an opinion from another lawyer who knows something about "battered woman syndrome". If you contact one of the shelters in your area, they may also be able to advise you.

 

[Retired]

Then ofcourse I would pick up his phone calls and listen to him say he is sorry and how much he misses me.

It seems this is the usual manipulative strategy employed by abusers to lure the abused partner back into the relationship.

I agree with Dr. Baxter that you need the counsel of a lawyer or advocate with experience in dealing with abused women.

Do you have the contact information for a local womens' shelter?

 

[Martina]

Yes and Im Staying at one. well.. not a shelter exactly.. it's called second stage housing. The councelors here also told me to be carefull in what im doing. It happens alot here.. Im in canada.. and Ive seen this happen many times. I used to work at a womans shelter but was dismissed in 2007 after it became apparent that I was living in a situation and I became a client instead of an employee. Its really sad.. but alot of these abusive partners actually walk away with either custody or joint custody. Ive never really heard of a case being thrown out. This bogles my mind however it's classic for abusers to come off in the court system well mannered and well spoken. Its easy for them to create a smoke glass. I think my anxiety is comming from cases Ive seen where the battered woman is torn apart through the court process.. mine is just beginning. Idk..

 

[Banned]

I left my abuser in June 2009. I had left many times before that only to return. This time I left is different. I am still gone and have also filed papers for child support and custody with the court.

This is often the hardest step, Martina, so be proud of yourself for taking this step to protect yourself, your children, and your future.

During the time I have been gone Ive struggled being on my own. Im on welfare raising 3 kids by myself. Asking myself.. was it really that bad? Then ofcourse I would pick up his phone calls and listen to him say he is sorry and how much he misses me. The attention feels good considering I only recieved negative attention in our years together. I end up going to visit him with the kids spending a weekend.. being intimate.. having the life i always wanted before i left. everything seems so perfect. But Im still weary. Im still on guard.

Being weary and on guard is your brain's way of protecting you from your heart. It's normal and natural to want a relationship, a father for your children, the companionship of another person. When someone is in an abusive relationship, they are particularly vulnerable to their own emotions. I think as humans we always want to see and find the best in others, trust others, give them another chance. Sometimes it's worthwhile because as humans we all fall short, mess up, and often deserve another chance. An abuser's prognosis for change is not good, and the limbic system in your brain is firing off warning shots to you.

I still dont go back... I said i would spend christmas with him and the kids... I even bought him a present on my welfare income. Then i get his response to my court papers.

My lawyer calls me and says to come down read it and see if i want to respond. Im excited.. he's been telling me that during his meeting with his lawyer he is settling out of court.. agreeing to everything i want. Well.. he is motioning for my application to be thrown out. Saying that I spend every single weekend with him and we are intimate and are in a current relationship. He denys all the abuse accusations.. he makes me sound like a lazy person.. saying he works cleans and cooks and i do nothing. makes me look like a liar.

That's what abusers do, sadly. They manipulate and deceive, make empty promises time and again, but almost always return to their previous ways, because they work and the abuser doesnt' know any other way to connect with others.

Im basically in shock.. even though i should have seen it comming. I dont know what to do.. although I do admit to seeing him here n there.. it wasnt every weekend. after speaking to my lawyer he said the fact that I have been seeing him and being intamate with him could have my case thrown out. They are going to question the abuse due to the fact I am still seeing him and am being intamate.. I so at loss of words.. I tell my ex that christmas is off.. and he freaks out on me.. visions of our past come forward and i feel foolish for being tricked. and at the end of it all.. I still feel bad.. I still feel guilty for not spending christmas with him.. my mind says im right.. my heart is aching... how do they have soo much control over us.. even when we have left..

I guess i needed to vent.. just so mad at myself right now for being sucked in. thanks for reading.

I don't think being mad at yourself is necessarily beneficial, but definitely take what you can as a learning experience. And I agree with Dr. Baxter at this juncture - you need an attorney who is familiar with Battered Woman's syndrome, who can advocate on your behalf and be sensitive to your needs. I would also throw in to maybe look into some counselling for yourself and your children to help you move past this and also give you the coping skills to deal with the aftermath.