confused and messed up

[wut2do]

I was with my boyfriend for over a year...and he broke up with me...lol..boo hoo i know
but here is the deal. i am experiencing some seious trauma..he was addicted to drugs and although he has been trying to get clean..the last time he relapsed..he broke up with me. we tried to live together as roomates..but his habits started getting worse and i couldnt watch so i told him either he had to clean up or leave. after being presented with the options, he got high, so i asked him to leave. he left his stuff here..which doesnt help matters. but he just wont go away. and the last conversation i had with him was very ugly. it bounced around all over the place and he accused me of making him feel bad all the time and the drugs had nothing to do with it.
he didnt have a job, he sat at home and played x box all day while i was at work, he stopped making diner, i had to nag him to do the dishes, i came home and cleaned..i never asked to watch tv, if i wanted to listen to music i used my headphones...the list goes on and still when i brought up these issues, he accused me of implying he was a horrible boyfriend and that i would be better off without him. I told him once that i felt like i deserved to be treated better. and he agreed, but he never stepped up to treat me better, he just used the idea against me..as in if you deserve better. then why dont you leave. i tried a couple of times before...but he always begged me to stay stong and not to let him hurt me. so i stayed and did my best to not let him hurt me. but i still got upset when he didnt talk to me until he was drunk...or if he did nothing all day but sit on the couch and thinki...for a straight month. before i left..we got into an argument about what was happening between us...and i referred to him as a drug addict..is that abusive when its true?
did this happen because of addiction withdrawls...or did it happen because he was abusive..or ...please help

 

[wut2do]

I was with my boyfriend for over a year...and he broke up with me...lol..boo hoo i know
but here is the deal. i am experiencing some seious trauma..he was addicted to drugs and although he has been trying to get clean..the last time he relapsed..he broke up with me. we tried to live together as roomates..but his habits started getting worse and i couldnt watch so i told him either he had to clean up or leave. after being presented with the options, he got high, so i asked him to leave. he left his stuff here..which doesnt help matters. but he just wont go away. and the last conversation i had with him was very ugly. it bounced around all over the place and he accused me of making him feel bad all the time and the drugs had nothing to do with it.
he didnt have a job, he sat at home and played x box all day while i was at work, he stopped making diner, i had to nag him to do the dishes, i came home and cleaned..i never asked to watch tv, if i wanted to listen to music i used my headphones...the list goes on and still when i brought up these issues, he accused me of implying he was a horrible boyfriend and that i would be better off without him. I told him once that i felt like i deserved to be treated better. and he agreed, but he never stepped up to treat me better, he just used the idea against me..as in if you deserve better. then why dont you leave. i tried a couple of times before...but he always begged me to stay stong and not to let him hurt me. so i stayed and did my best to not let him hurt me. but i still got upset when he didnt talk to me until he was drunk...or if he did nothing all day but sit on the couch and thinki...for a straight month. before i left..we got into an argument about what was happening between us...and i referred to him as a drug addict..is that abusive when its true?
did this happen because of addiction withdrawls...or did it happen because he was abusive..or ...please help

 

[Suzette]

Hi Wut2do,

Well, although perhaps it is very difficult, please be happy you split up. This guy comes across as not responsible, childish, turning things around and a huge pain in the b*tt.

When you say to him you consider him a drug addict if you see him taking drugs, now what is wrong with that dear?? That is not only the truth, but you also have the right to say so!!

You certainly deserve better but... you will only find a person who will treat you the way it should, if you think that way too! I think that is what you had in common with your ex-boyfriend: thinking that was the best you could get (he with his drugs, you with him).

You wrote: "he didnt have a job, he sat at home and played x box all day while i was at work, he stopped making diner, i had to nag him to do the dishes, i came home and cleaned..i never asked to watch tv, if i wanted to listen to music i used my headphones..."

This would make any girlfriend miserable. This guy has no self respect at all. But you should work on your own too, otherwise you will be attracted to the same type of men over and over again: without respect for themselves, nor for you.

I sure hope you are happy that in spite of everything, you did break up with him and I wish you a really nice man. Who does not need drugs and disrespect to get through life.

 

[Suzette]

Hi Wut2do,

Well, although perhaps it is very difficult, please be happy you split up. This guy comes across as not responsible, childish, turning things around and a huge pain in the b*tt.

When you say to him you consider him a drug addict if you see him taking drugs, now what is wrong with that dear?? That is not only the truth, but you also have the right to say so!!

You certainly deserve better but... you will only find a person who will treat you the way it should, if you think that way too! I think that is what you had in common with your ex-boyfriend: thinking that was the best you could get (he with his drugs, you with him).

You wrote: "he didnt have a job, he sat at home and played x box all day while i was at work, he stopped making diner, i had to nag him to do the dishes, i came home and cleaned..i never asked to watch tv, if i wanted to listen to music i used my headphones..."

This would make any girlfriend miserable. This guy has no self respect at all. But you should work on your own too, otherwise you will be attracted to the same type of men over and over again: without respect for themselves, nor for you.

I sure hope you are happy that in spite of everything, you did break up with him and I wish you a really nice man. Who does not need drugs and disrespect to get through life.

 

[Suzette]

I have to add this (read your introduction message later):

You wrote this:

"hey everyone. im not good at this so ill just come out and explain why im here. I have been in a relationship fr the past year that just ended and has left me bewildered and confused. My ex was a drug addict and insainly manipulative."

I am glad you know now

"One site i found listed an example of abuse is telling someone they are lazy and irrisponsible...is it considered abuse if thats the truth and you tell them in hopes they will realise they are wasting they're lives away..."

Absolutely not. If that is the truth and if you don't turn things around, then you only help a person. How's that...?

"another example was in reference to trying to control them. i wanted him to quit using drugs so i got upset when he put himself in situations it would be difficult to remain clean in...is that considered abusive control...or concern."

Concern! Using drugs is dangerous.

"Is it possible that because of his addictions and the way he treated me, that i in turn treated him the same way...or am i just trying to justify his opinions towards me..."

Well, you seem to justify a lot of what he told you... I wish you would justify more what you experienced!

"when i got upset with him for getting high, he took it as a personal attack...was he right?"

I think he did not want you to say/do anything about his addiction. Did not want help/did not see the truth. That is his problem, not yours.

"at my birthday he was upset because i acted more excited about my sisters gift than his and that made him feel like a bad boyfriend....he felt like a bad boyfriend for not getting the perfect gift, and i felt horrible for not being able to convince him that he did...is that normal...it sure isnt healthy...

He did not give you the perfect gift, since you appreciated your sisters gift more. That is his problem.

Can you recognize this: he put himself down by drugging himself and you put yourself down by being with him...?

 

[Suzette]

I have to add this (read your introduction message later):

You wrote this:

"hey everyone. im not good at this so ill just come out and explain why im here. I have been in a relationship fr the past year that just ended and has left me bewildered and confused. My ex was a drug addict and insainly manipulative."

I am glad you know now

"One site i found listed an example of abuse is telling someone they are lazy and irrisponsible...is it considered abuse if thats the truth and you tell them in hopes they will realise they are wasting they're lives away..."

Absolutely not. If that is the truth and if you don't turn things around, then you only help a person. How's that...?

"another example was in reference to trying to control them. i wanted him to quit using drugs so i got upset when he put himself in situations it would be difficult to remain clean in...is that considered abusive control...or concern."

Concern! Using drugs is dangerous.

"Is it possible that because of his addictions and the way he treated me, that i in turn treated him the same way...or am i just trying to justify his opinions towards me..."

Well, you seem to justify a lot of what he told you... I wish you would justify more what you experienced!

"when i got upset with him for getting high, he took it as a personal attack...was he right?"

I think he did not want you to say/do anything about his addiction. Did not want help/did not see the truth. That is his problem, not yours.

"at my birthday he was upset because i acted more excited about my sisters gift than his and that made him feel like a bad boyfriend....he felt like a bad boyfriend for not getting the perfect gift, and i felt horrible for not being able to convince him that he did...is that normal...it sure isnt healthy...

He did not give you the perfect gift, since you appreciated your sisters gift more. That is his problem.

Can you recognize this: he put himself down by drugging himself and you put yourself down by being with him...?

 

[wut2do]

Thanks...its always nice to have an objective mind around.. you asked if i was happy in spite of him and the answer is yes. i am a very happy person...regardless of what he does to me. he makes me feel bad when i am in contact with him...but when hes not around i feel normal and bubbly. lol the relationship sucked and im glad its over, i just wish hed leave me alone so i could move on. but that wont happen until his stuff is out of our apartment. i feel bad that he chose drugs, but that was his choice, and hes going to have to deal with it not me. i did what i could..and then some. and if it wasnt for him twisting our conversations and the events of our relastionship areound, i would never had considered myself to be in the wrong. but gotta love drug addicts, that is what they do best. i should have known better, ive been there myself, and there is no way i could have been with someone else too...i guess i was hoping he would snap out of it. but i think maybe its not as easy for everyone else as it was for me to chose life.
best of luck to him...he can have his drugs. i still chose life
thanks again. will let you know what happens. hugs and love

 

[wut2do]

Thanks...its always nice to have an objective mind around.. you asked if i was happy in spite of him and the answer is yes. i am a very happy person...regardless of what he does to me. he makes me feel bad when i am in contact with him...but when hes not around i feel normal and bubbly. lol the relationship sucked and im glad its over, i just wish hed leave me alone so i could move on. but that wont happen until his stuff is out of our apartment. i feel bad that he chose drugs, but that was his choice, and hes going to have to deal with it not me. i did what i could..and then some. and if it wasnt for him twisting our conversations and the events of our relastionship areound, i would never had considered myself to be in the wrong. but gotta love drug addicts, that is what they do best. i should have known better, ive been there myself, and there is no way i could have been with someone else too...i guess i was hoping he would snap out of it. but i think maybe its not as easy for everyone else as it was for me to chose life.
best of luck to him...he can have his drugs. i still chose life
thanks again. will let you know what happens. hugs and love

 

[wut2do]

well. is till dont know what is going to happen im not going to see him until friday, but anyone who ever said thinking is a good thing never had bad things to think about. i htink my ex may have been sexaully abused...how the f*** could i have gotten messed up with someone who has sooo many issues, and is ther anything i can do to help. or have i actually entered his sick little world with no hopes of turning back??

 

[wut2do]

well. is till dont know what is going to happen im not going to see him until friday, but anyone who ever said thinking is a good thing never had bad things to think about. i htink my ex may have been sexaully abused...how the f*** could i have gotten messed up with someone who has sooo many issues, and is ther anything i can do to help. or have i actually entered his sick little world with no hopes of turning back??

 

[Suzette]

Hi Wut,

I am wondering: what is it that you still want to see him...? I would say it was a rough time together so I don't really understand.

 

[Suzette]

Hi Wut,

I am wondering: what is it that you still want to see him...? I would say it was a rough time together so I don't really understand.

 

[Katherine]

Your guy needs help...and not from you...from professionals. He will not and cannot be helped unless he realizes it. Again, not your obligation to open his eyes. Saying that he is a drung addict is not abuse in and of itself. The tone in which you said it may have been emphatic, and under other circumstances may have seemed abusive to an on-looker. But, sounds more to me like he just doesn't want anyone stating the obvious.
And, like many addicts and/or abusers, he is good at playing the blame game and turning it around for you to take full credit (and responsibility) for his actions and any hurt he has received. He is not in a state of mind to consider your pain. They are great at manipulating that. Then, it becomes an entangled and enmeshed relationship that keeps you so confused you cannot tell which way to go and feel quilty if you don't stay in it. Leave now, run, hide, do whatever you need to do to take care of YOU!!! Concentrate on yourself and your own needs and do not get caught up in the drama. "The only person you can change is YOU!"

 

[Katherine]

Your guy needs help...and not from you...from professionals. He will not and cannot be helped unless he realizes it. Again, not your obligation to open his eyes. Saying that he is a drung addict is not abuse in and of itself. The tone in which you said it may have been emphatic, and under other circumstances may have seemed abusive to an on-looker. But, sounds more to me like he just doesn't want anyone stating the obvious.
And, like many addicts and/or abusers, he is good at playing the blame game and turning it around for you to take full credit (and responsibility) for his actions and any hurt he has received. He is not in a state of mind to consider your pain. They are great at manipulating that. Then, it becomes an entangled and enmeshed relationship that keeps you so confused you cannot tell which way to go and feel quilty if you don't stay in it. Leave now, run, hide, do whatever you need to do to take care of YOU!!! Concentrate on yourself and your own needs and do not get caught up in the drama. "The only person you can change is YOU!"