Dealing with comments/questions from co-workers

[AmZ]

As much as I enjoy being at work compared to being at home feeling miserable and not active, being at work is having it's cons also and don't know how to deal with it.

I work in an office with about 50 staff that work shift work asides from myself and about 7 others that work regular hours. As I don't see the shift work workers so often in general anyway, now I am bumping in to them here and there as I have been off of work quite a bit also, they are asking questions or making comments and I don't know how to deal with them.

Today, two people have made straight up comments about the fact they can see I have lost weight and persisted to ask if I have a problem. The only response I could find was 'I'm fine' and smile. And not that it's their fault, but at what a time to ask me this, when I am sitting down on a break to eat lunch. Then my stomach turns and it makes me feel anxious and found it hard to eat the rest of my lunch without it not being a pleasant experience.

Another person just walked in to my office and said that I don't seem to look happy recently, and said it in front of someone else in the room also, I said 'I'm OK' and then he asked if I had 'lost weight on purpose?'.

Unfortunately, it's the kind of place full of mainly people in their early 20's that love a bit of gossip also, so it's not like I'm working with mature adults as such, so I don't feel like I can or want to give an honest answer, but either way I feel bad.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

One suggestion is simply to say, "I haven't been feeling very well lately" or "I've been fighting a virus" and just leave it at that. Some people are just nosey but none of them have a right to personal information about you.

 

[Retired]

Aside from the nosey ones, I feel most people will ask because they care about you and want to be supportive. However it's up to you how much you choose to share and with whom, so having a ready response, as David has suggested will remove the stress of the moment for you and allow you to have a consistent response, at least in your place of work.

If you are unprepared with a ready response, people will detect your hesitation to reply and perhaps even assume the worst, potentially feeding the gossip mill.

OTOH if you just say, "thanks for asking, but I've been fighting a virus, or not feeling well...." or whatever you choose to say, and say the same thing to everyone, your chances of not drawing undue attention are likely reduced.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks.

I agree with both of you.

There are people that genuinely care, and I know that and others that I can see are asking only because of being nosey. More nosey ones however.

I told 3 or 4 people (my 2 bosses and 2 co-workers) in the last few days at work what is genuinely happening and unfortunately I thought I could trust those people, but after today, I can see that other people know about my situation also as they slipped up in conversation with me and I could see that they know. Then it makes me feel even worse that I KNOW THEY KNOW and that I have/want to avoid answering as I didn't want them knowing in the first place. Now I'm being looked at differently. Wish I wouldn't have told anyone now from the beginning, but not much I can do now! Now it'll just get around to everyone and then nobody will have a reason to ask me anything hopefully... asides from "are you feeling better?". Anyway, it's all a learning curve and an interesting way to see who you can and can't trust.

Of course it is more 'acceptable' to make a comment on how someone has lost weight (yeah, it's always good to lose weight right!?) rather than to have put on weight. We'll see if I go back to England and put the weight back on and I go back to work, if anyone will say: "You've put on weight!? No!?".

The worst part is how it makes me feel inside when someone makes a comment, like about the weight I lost, or how tired I look or that I don't seem happy... It brings on the anxiety inside of me and I find it hard to control it.

 

[Retired]

The worst part is how it makes me feel inside when someone makes a comment

If you prefer not to elaborate on your situation with co-workers, you might try responding, with a smile.."I'm feeling much better now, thank you for asking"

The smile, even if you don;t feel like it, will help reinforce your message to them and should preclude further follow up questions. But, if the person persists in asking follow ups, you might say "I prefer not to talk about it right now, but thank you for asking"

It may help to reherse these responses in your mind a few times, a technique used by many people to prepare for situations that might be anxiety provoking.

 

[AmZ]

Good tips, thanks Steve.

I do find that one of the better responses that makes me feel less worse (most of the time) inside is to simply smile and say "Yes, have been a bit sick but I'll be OK, all will be fine" and just try to have that positive attitude not only be an outward one but internal also. I know that my whole negativity and bad/negative thoughts sometimes get the better of me and I do genuinely feel like I am doomed sometimes but I'm really trying to keep as positive as I can and at least if I am feeling negative inside at that moment, not to show it on the outside, because like you say, it gives people an opportunity to keep coming back at you with questions.

On one hand, it's nice to have that 'release' and talk to a "trusted" co-worker about what is going on (especially right now because I haven't got 1. a psychologist now or someone else to really talk to), but from now on, I think I'm keeping quiet because like I mentioned earlier, someone has 'let the cat out of the bag'! I'm not going to give them what they want!

 

[Retired]

Good that you have a ready response that works for you and that you feel comfortable with.

Co Workers frequently make poor confidants, unless you have a personal relationship outside the workplace, where a sense of trust has been established. I would agree that sharing your situation with co workers may not be in your best long term professional interests.

I haven't got 1. a psychologist now or someone else to really talk to

Although we cannot replace a trusted family member or friend or your own therapist, you can still feel comfortable to vent here.

 

[rdw]

Over the past number of years, I have found that those who really care or who are empathetic to your situation will make a comment or ask a question to you directly. One never knows if they have had a similar experience themselves or with a friend or a family member. I am not suggesting that you have to elaborate on your situation or status but I have found that there are a number of people who want to open up about their own past or present mental health issues. Be cautious but give some of them the benefit of the doubt! I am glad to hear that you have a ready response that you are comfortable with. Good luck

 

[AmZ]

Although we cannot replace a trusted family member or friend or your own therapist, you can still feel comfortable to vent here.

Thank you Steve... Oh boy, I have done my fair share of venting

I am not suggesting that you have to elaborate on your situation or status but I have found that there are a number of people who want to open up about their own past or present mental health issues.

Yes, it's funny how you think you're the only one going through something like this when there are so many others. There is a woman at work with who I told, and she ended up telling me that she's on 2 medications and in therapy also, so it's nice to have to share each others experiences with.

I am aware that the word has been spread around about me, and like I say, it's a company full of young people that love to gossip, so whatever they will do, they will do. I just need to be careful about my response now and I don't want to give them what they want. I also know that 1 of 2 people that I trusted in had let the word out even though I asked that they say nothing to anyone, so will be more cautious in general in the future and from now on.

Thx for the advice.

 

[Tampa11]

My opinion for what it’s worth, you are assuming, the cat is out of the bag, some people are nosey or some really care. (bad to assume #1) You seem to care more about what other people may be thinking about you, then what you think of yourself. You can also play the flip flop game, when a chubby person makes a remark about your weight, be pleasant and say you are fine. Then say to them, you look like you have lost a little weight. Think up something on you own about a thin person.

 

[AmZ]

Trust me. I have not made assumptions from out of nowhere that people know. They straight up know. Someone told them at least the general gist of what is going on and not just that I am 'sick' or something. But it doesn't matter anymore.

Anyway, I thought about it today and I'm really not going to let it bother me. I have more things to worry about, like you say, than what people are thinking about me.

Fine, if I could start this over, then I would have not told anyone in the first place, but what's been done has been done. Now I'm just going to get on with it.

I am taking 2-3 weeks off of work and going abroad anyway, so they can let their minds wander whilst I am away and I hope that I will come back feeling a lot better anyway and will just say that I had a nice break, and that's that.

 

[Tampa11]

Enjoy your trip abroad, do not bring any extra baggage with you, like from your last comment. “so they can let their minds wander” .

 

[rdw]

By the time you get back from your vacation you will be "yesterday's news". Office gossip usually has a short life span... Enjoy your time away from work!!!

 

[AmZ]

By the time you get back from your vacation you will be "yesterday's news". Office gossip usually has a short life span

Haha, thanks guys.

Yes, I think I'm probably yesterday's news already by a little - some other stuff is going on there now so people have better and more 'interesting' stuff to talk about!