[Trigger] Downward spiral

[BluMac81]

So it's been a while since I posted here, I hope my posts aren't so closely monitored by those who wish to extort me by now...
Things have not been good. While I did finish the semester with OK grades {identifying details deleted}, I did so with very little focus due to all the dramatic stuff regarding the roommate situation.

Then the tiredness, for the past few months I'm always tired, unless I'm drunk. All I want to do is sleep (reminds me a quote... 'to die, to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream, ay there's the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come'). And certainly I at least get 5 hours of sleep, and sometimes 9 hours of sleep, yet I still feel tired every single day, again, unless I'm drunk... or in a social situation (anxiety arousal.)

Which brings me to the suicidal ideation. I have called the suicide hotline 4 times in the last 2 months. I wake up each morning saying to myself 'I do not want to live!', and go to bed each night praying that God would 'take my life'. I know it sounds insane, but I feel I do not belong in this life, that I am weak, worthless, and hopeless. Not only that but I feel life in itself is a waste of time since we are all going to die anyway.

Thus, my {self-injury} has gone up significantly {graphic details deleted}, and my suicidal urges have become more than fantasies but realities [edited out graphic details]. But I just can do it, do it to my loved ones, my mother, and sisters.

The pain inside you cannot see. I heard someone on the radio today talking about eutheniasia, he said 'give them drugs to ease their pain, don't kill them', and I thought it outrageous, when they do not know the unseen psychological pain, nor can they measure it with any device. Thus we turn to drugs and alcohol. And for me, over the past months, it's been alcohol, I drink every day pretty much, when I am poor and need food or liquor the little money I have goes to liquor over food. I am a full blown alchoholic now, because being drunk is the only pleasure I feel. It is the only time that I don't hate myself.

In terms of therapy, I am continuing with DBT treatments though the progress is slow, my therapist reccomended (and I scheduled) an appointment with an ACT certified psychologist. My psychiatrist has me on lorazapam, lunesta, and celexa. Yup, back on SSRI's. And yes I do have lots of xanax left over so I intermingle the lorazapam and xanax for fear of withdrawl effects. But yea, the SSRI's, again they put me in a fog, I have not been able to cry (crying is a good release for me) since I've been on them, hence the cutting more. Also having ED problems, and really not feeling anything emotionally strong. Gotta take the doc's advice though right?

I truly feel that I will not live to see 30 at this rate.

 

[Daniel E.]

Thus, my cutting has gone up significantly, and my suicidal urges have become more than fantasies but realities [edited out graphic details].

Have you told your therapist and psychiatrist about this?

In the interim:
How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

1-800-273-TALK

But I just can do it, do it to my loved ones, my mother, and sisters.

There's also the fact that you will only feel better in your 30s than in your 20s if you continue with treatment and avoid depressants. There's also the chilling fact that a signficant number of suicide attempts result in permanent physical disability.

I am a full blown alchoholic now, because being drunk is the only pleasure I feel. It is the only time that I don't hate myself.

Needless to say, alcohol is a depressant and can significantly increase the chances of suicide. The late actor Jonathan Brandis is just one example of alcholol and depression being a fatal combination.

A point made my Marsha Linehan is that most people make their crisis situations worse, so doing nothing at all would be better than trying to escape the moment with alcohol or other methods of self-harm:

You're in this moment and then you spend a lot of time thinking about 'Oh, it's always been this way and look what happened before and this happened before. This is my 8th crisis.' On and on and on - so what's that do? I mean, this moment may be bad but think how much worse it is. Now you've got not only this crisis but every other crisis you've ever had in your life.

And then, what some of us also do, is not only do we bring the past in but we start imagining every crisis we're going to have in the future. So it's not only do I have this problem, but now I've got all my future problems. 'This is terrible. It's never going to stop. It's really awful. I can't stand it. What am I going to do? Datta da. Datta da.' I mean really, you can go on and on. So what happens? You not only suffer this moment but you suffer the past moments and the future moments.

Now I've got to tell you one thing. When you're suffering usually the moment is enough. In other words the current moment is all filled up with suffering. You don't really need more suffering and if you add more suffering in, the crisis just gets worse. You're more likely to do something that'll make it worse. It's not a good idea.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/part_32.html

 

[Retired]

my loved ones, my mother, and sisters

Your family and loved ones need to be the focus of your thoughts during times of suicidal ideation as your reasons to live.

Can you enrol in an Alcoholics Anonynous group to help get the alcohol under control?

Can you contact your therapist so you can report your thoughts of suicide?

You need the assistance of a third party, such as your doctor, your therapist, a family member, religious advisor or even the crisis hotline to resolve the distorted thinking. Suicide is permanent, but your problems are temporary and can be resolved, with the help of a third party.

Get that someone into your life now, BluMac.

If you see yourself continuing on a spiral, call the crisis line, and if you think you might carry out your plan, call 911.

Will you promise to keep yourself safe until you can communicate with your doctor or someone else who can help you?

 

[Daniel E.]

Not only that but I feel life in itself is a waste of time since we are all going to die anyway.

From what I know about DBT which includes behavior therapy, depression and anxiety are largely due to avoidance. So hopeless, nihilistic thinking has a short-term "advantage" in that it makes it easier to continue the habitual patterns of avoidance.

Philosophically, nihilism is invalid, and, psychologically, it is produced by cognitive errors like all-or-nothing thinking:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/72080-post44.html

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi BluMac81 I am glad you are posting again. It may help you release some of the saddness in you. I think if you could get help with your alcoholism this would be a good start to decrease your depression. Alcohol only interfers with the effects needed from the medication your on. Yes your mother and sister focus on their love for you and how they would not want to see you in this kind of pain. BluMac81 get a hold of something someone that can help you pull yourself out of these thoughts. I know these feelings of despair as all of us have them at one time but you have to get help now to stop this self harm you are doing. Call your psychiatrist and tell him what you are doing get yourself stable again BlueMac. Do this for you your sister and your mother they need to see you stay strong. call your doctor now and start changing this thought pattern now.

 

[Into The Light]

blumac, i am sorry you are in so much pain right now. please seek out the help you need and tell your therapist about what's going on. help is available, it really is. please do it, it is well worth it. i survived a suicidal period in my life and i am so very thankful and grateful that i did. you will be too. will you do this?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I hope my posts aren't so closely monitored by those who wish to extort me by now...

What does this mean?

 

[ladylore]

Blu
You have been given some great advice. I really hope you get help. Like has been said, I also hope you deal with the drinking in the future - but at the moment, it's your safety that counts.

It can get better. I am living proof. There was a time before I got into recovery that I had never been so close to ending my own life. But I am so glad I found the help I needed.

If the first help doesn't work, try again. Your worth it.

You aren't being monitored here Blu. But I understand the feeling. At some points in my life when things were really rough the paranoia seeped in. I thought everyone was watching me.....

Come back and keep talking. No, Psychlinks isn't therapy - but we do offer support as you. And when you feel better, keeping posting. We really like having you around.

:support:

 

[suewatters1]

You might need a better medication for your depression. I just started Pristiq. I am on my 12 day and boy do I feel better. The full 2 weeks before that I kept thinking about wanting to end my life but what stop me was that I knew I needed a different medication for my depression and pleaded with my DR to give me something more for my depression so I don't do something stupid and he did. Within about 1 week I noticed a difference. This medication changed my life and it hasn't been 2 weeks I have been on it.
So if you are feeling like ending your life like I did realize that means your medications are not working for you and you need to try something else. Pristiq is made more Major Depression. My Dr gave me 2 weeks worth of samples to try. Ask your Dr for something else that will work for you.

Take Care

Sue

 

[BluMac81]

Thanks for all your responses. As many of you asked, my psychologist and psychiatrist know all of these details, I have told them I have suicidal urges, showed them the cuts, and they of course get informed each time I call the VA suicide hotline. I DO WANT TO GET BETTER (or else I wouldn't be typing this now, lol)

Daniel your quote was right on the spot, the past and the future weigh heavily upon me during these times. Maybe I should go back to the Buddhist techniques I used to do to initiate present-moment awareness, which is actually also part of DBT therapy.

The alchoholic thing is a big exagerrated, when I was in my early 20's, I drank heavily every weekend, fri, sat, sometimes sunday, cause the other days I worked 12 hour days. I stopped drinking though, completely, after I moved out to Colorado, I just didn't feel drinking by myself was 'fun' or at all 'healthy', especially after going to my dad's funeral with his diagnosis of death being....simply, alchoholism. But the desire came back and the 'fun' of being drunk came back after all the things I had enjoyed earlier became bland, and I became bored. I'm a college student now and I'm usually fine during the days I go to school, but spring break, summer break....I isolate myself (involuntarily). Like yesturday I was going to go to this mood disorders support group but because I was suddenly really anxious about what it might be and standing up in front of others spilling my guts, I didn't go. Instead took to the booze to help ease my boredom, bring down that threshold of 'fun' which so easily evades me these days.

Mary, thanks for that advise. My mother and sisters have been my rock through a lot of things. However, I've not told them about my suicidal urges or cutting, because I'm ashamed of it. Ashamed that everyone else in the family seems to be doing fine but here I am a total mess, I feel weak, and I don't want them to see that, because I have some faith that I'll get better.

Intothelight, typically yes I do immediately call the suicide help line every time that I feel that I'm on the brink, and it helps, just to talk to someone, someone objective. I didn't last night as I had no suicidal 'urges' but just suicidal 'thoughts', though I did end up cutting. I cut because I hate myself for not getting to-do's done, every break (spring or summer) I say, 'I'm gonna get all this stuff done and be active and this and that', and I don't. I stay couped up in my apartment, which is just what my psychologist warned me about. So that makes me hate myself even more.

David Baxter, I was referring to the long thread of posts about major problems with my roommate when I was living with her. She stumbled upon them (said she had a friend who told her about them in these forums) and had printed out the entire 13 page thread and brought it as ammunition to be used against me in an intervention she set up. That's what I meant be extortion. I don't know if she still reads these but we are living apart, and not talking, and all this doesn't have anything to do with her.

Ladylore I will come back, not give up on myself, matter of fact aside from money and school, my psychological health is my top priority. If only I could just DO the things that would make me better, it takes a lot of effort when you're depressed, and social phobic, I'm sure you understand.... I won't give up. You know I had thought about next break I get from school checking myself in to a psych ward for a few weeks. Maybe that would speed my recovery...

suewatters, pristiq eh? Never heard of it in all my attempts with SSRI's. I hear it is similar to Effexor, or is it the same thing? I will talk to my doc about it next time I see him.

Thanks everyone for you support and consideration Glad to be back.

 

[NicNak]

I just wanted to say it is nice to see you back BluMac.

I wish you the best and glad you are staying strong.

:support:

 

[forgetmenot]

Hey BluMac81 isolation i do a lot of too but as you know it is not great for depression. We have faith in you and know you will do everything possible to keep yourself safe and well. You are not weak BluMac81 you are reaching out when you need to and we are glad you came here for support. I know my family members keep me strong just as yours will do for you. Thanks for getting back to us and letting us know you are okay. in my thoughts and prayers

 

[ladylore]

When this passes Blu, as I am sure it will - you can still be here even when your feeling well. I like having you around.

As for the Buddhist techniques, I have to say that they have saved my butt more then once. When your in pain, I know - who would want to stay in the present. But then I use the Buddhist teaching that everything is in constant change.

But to stop your mind from doing those flips - the here and now is a good thing.:wink:

 

[Jazzey]

Hi BlueMac,

It's so nice to see you here again. Although I wish, for your sake, that the circumstances were better.

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles with suicide. I've been there recently myself. I hope that you'll do everything that you can to keep yourself safe.

As for feeling ashamed Blue - please don't. It's part of this struggle that we have. But I don't consider it something shameful. I'm so grateful that you trusted us enough to reach out.

And again, please do everything that you can to stay safe. Can you go and spend some time with your sisters? When I'm there, I make sure and reconnect to those closest to me (in my case, my 2 closest friends). They know who I am (all of it). It helps me to ground myself a little and I come back to a reality that is far more bearable for me.

Take care Blue - always in my thoughts. :hug: :hug:

 

[suewatters1]

Hi BlueMac Pristiq is an SNRI (selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor)
Years ago I was on SSRI for anxiety and it didn't do much for me and I was on Celexa 2 years ago and that didn't do much for me either.

Good Luck with everything

Sue

 

[BluMac81]

Thanks for your info Sue. FYI I decided that I would have one last 'horrah' tonight with my remaining vodka. I know what you're thinking... BAD BAD BAD. But no, seriously, I promised myself I could have a drink only if I cleaned my apartment and updated my to-do list. I feel excellent now. And next week is going to be an extremely social and high-stress week, won't be any drinking then (due to time constraints). Face it, alchohol makes me feel better, I enjoy things now, I'm smiling even, and I feel good enough about myself that I KNOW I will not harm myself or even think of suicide. Alcohol isn't all that bad! When used in moderation... it'll probably be a week before I use it again.

 

[ladylore]

There is a big difference between using alcohol and enjoying an alcoholic beverage. It's the using that gets people into trouble. It's the red flag that I think a few of us are seeing.

In my humble opinion, it may be a good idea to lay off the alcohol until you are feeling emotionally better.

Only my :2cents:

 

[Charity]

Some of what you say sounds pretty familiar to me... I too am VERY prone to falling into the stay-at-home-and-do-nothing trap. Even though I feel bad about all the things I'm neglecting, the weight of the world just presses me right into my couch and keeps me there all damn day! It's very frustrating, I know.

Hang in there, man! Come talk to us when you're feeling out-of-whack, if it helps you to feel better. It's been said so many times that a lot of the meaning seems to have been drained out of it, but-- it'll get better. You're a young guy, just getting started. Alcohol is just a band-aid on your feelings, and a toxic one at that. Be careful, please!

Talk to ya later :friends:

 

[BluMac81]

Of course I will be careful, I've noticed when I'm in a good mood and I drink the mood gets better, and nothing bad happens.

Let me ask you something.... is it ok to be alone...in life?
I mean alone as in no close friends, no live in caretaker, no family next door.
My uncle chose that life, he seems to get along fine (though he's an atheist lol)

 

[Daniel E.]

Let me ask you something.... is it ok to be alone...in life?
I mean alone as in no close friends, no live in caretaker, no family next door.

Loneliness per se is a stressor, which is one reason it can reduce life expectancy as much as smoking.

It shouldn't be too problematic to get at least one good friend out of over six billion people, though it may take time and, certainly, therapy can help with socialization efforts:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/family-f...steps-to-stop-being-sick-with-loneliness.html

While it's certainly possible for some people to be happy without friends during transition periods (like moving to a new city), even in the short term it can exacerbate depression and anxiety.