[Trigger] Downward spiral

[Jazzey]

Hi BlueMac,

In my personal experience, very personal (which is why I debated responding here), alcohol and suicidal ideation NEVER mix. When I'm feeling suicidal and I choose to abuse alcohol (because I truly think it'll make me feel better), those are the moments when I've been particularly walking the line. When alcohol is my method of coping, I stop caring about anything and everything, including myself....Not to mention that I feel invinsible when I've been drinking - any amount.

...Not a good mix.

As for being alone - I do this one too. You can do it. But nothing about it is healthy for you. It takes an almost insurmoutable amount of effort for me to reach out to the people in my life - don't want to, prefer to be by myself, feel safer this way. But if I'm ever going to get healthy, I know that I can't stay there. And more often than not, once I've reached out and socialized - that's when I feel happy. I don't need the alcohol to feel happy, that's just a tool I use to justify why I'm unhappy...

My 2 cents on it Blue...

 

[tallshyone]

1st off I would like to thank Jazzey for saying that alcohol mixed with your ...emotional state... is not a good mix.
Now with that being said I would like to mention that I have known too many people who said they were suicidal but declared they would never really do anything or go thru with their thoughts... well weither you realize it or not you are playing a game with people who you tell that to as well as yourself .

Mixing alcohol as well as taking numerous drugs ( prescribed or not) its only a matter of time that something may happen....accidental or not. As for living your life alone I sense you feel that you need a person in your life who will take care of you as well as make you feel that you are their shoulder during the hard times.My thoughts on that are ... friends are wonderful but until you can truly have a healthy relationship with someone (ie:wife,gf bf etc) then you should not focus so much on that. Focus on stuff you can do with . Maybe get a pet. and as for your "uncle" and his spiritual path. Please remember what it says in the bible . Thou shalt not judge .

I hope that you can find a group (maybe AA etc) as well and a doctor outside the VA that can assist you in your needs .

 

[NicNak]

Now with that being said I would like to mention that I have known too many people who said they were suicidal but declared they would never really do anything or go thru with their thoughts... well weither you realize it or not you are playing a game with people who you tell that to as well as yourself .

People who have suicidal thoughts are not "playing games" with anyone.

Regardless as to if they are suicidal thoughts, urges etc they are all serious and very real.

When someone posts about feeling suicidal it is always taken seriously. Those thoughts or urges are very troubling to the person suffering with them.

By saying that one is

playing a game with people

you are in essence saying that they are almost not real those thoughts. Or that it is a deliberate thing the person with those thoughts is doing.

This part of your post would only serve to cause someone who has these feelings to withdraw and not speak of them. It is important for us to speak of these thoughts to better learn how to cope with them.

A person with suicidal urges or thoughts is definately not "playing games" it is very serious.

 

[tallshyone]

Forgive me if you think that I do not take suicidal thoughts serious.I had thought long and hard prior to doing my post and well I do feel after reading several things which blumac has stated it concerned me that he seems to "laugh off "what his doctor tells him as well as the people who post responses to him. That is what concerns me most ...I have had close people to me commit suicide .One in peticular who said many of the same things as blu has said and her last horrah whith "rum " ended up with her becoming paranoid someone was in her house resulting in her driving to her sisters and getting into and accident where the other driver did not make it yet she not being killed int the wreck arrived at her sisters in a complete state of paranoid shock took several xanax and fell asleep never to wake again.

So even though she was serious and we all cared for her she laughed us all off saying you know I could never hurt you guys I love you.

I do feel you would benefit for professional help ,maybe a stay in a hospital where meds and other intake can be monitored ,where you can start on a path of health and happiness.

 

[ladylore]

Tallshyone, please review the Forum Rules as to triggering posts and sensitivity to other members. Thank you.

 

[BluMac81]

One of my favorite quotes from the "House M.D." series:
"It's easier to die than to live" wouldn't you agree?

Tally I admire your honesty, you know what you're talking about. The censorship and 'trigger' necessities on this forum I feel are unecessary, just my opinion. I admire honesty more than anything, clear, detailed, honesty.

I identify with not wanting to kill myself but to desire dying by some other means. {edited for graphic content}

 

[white page]

The censorship and 'trigger' necessities on this forum I feel are unecessary, just my opinion.

This I cannot agree with Blumac, we are here to support all our members, I put the trigger tag on, for several reasons, any member who is battling with self destructive thoughts may have those thoughts reinforced by reading graphic descriptions etc. It is a protective measure for members who are extra fragile. There are certain days when I keep away from certain posts and I personaly am very grateful for the trigger tags.

As for "censorship" this is used spareingly and for precisely the same reasons.
On joining the forum each member accepts to follow these basic rules, we are a support community. There are other places on the net if there is a need by any member to express his or her thoughts totally explicitly. There are certain explicit details which do not add to the general mood of a post and can be very triggering indeed.

My very best wishes wp

 

[Daniel E.]

You should definitely call your therapist and/or psychiatrist first thing when you wake up. At the very minimum, you should try to see your therapist ASAP. And, of course, in addition to suicide hotlines, there is always in-patient hospitalization, which is certainly one way of making suicidal thoughts impotent and therefore less distressing.

Personally, I found the start of this video clip helpful when I saw it months ago, though it may be triggering for some people:

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder: The Dialectical Approach

The start of the video clip contains a very short, 30-second excerpt of Marsha Linehan talking to a suicidal patient.

 

[Jazzey]

Blue, I'm really concerned about you. Can you please go see your therapist or call an emergency number? No one is better off dead. Please do what you need to in order to stay safe. :hug: :hug:

Tall - I'm sorry you've been through that with your friend, and I'm sorry for your loss. I've also lost a friend through suicide. Although initially, I was just so angry that I refused to grieve the loss. I think your story is, unfortunately, a good example of why alcohol and suicidal ideation do not mix. Thank you so much for sharing it with us, even though it must have been difficult to share. I really appreciate it.

And I wanted to acknowledge that I understood what you were expressing in these posts. I've been guilty of saying "I'm feeling suicidal but I won't do anything about it". So I'll give an explanation that maybe just applies to me...don't know. When I say this, it's because I'm hoping that someone will listen to what I'm saying, but I also want to be master of my own ship - i.e. should I decide to do anything, I don't want people meddling in it.

if I hear someone say that they're suicidal but won't do anything about it, I still listen to them. That person is asking for help, any suggestion about suicide should be taken seriously. Sometimes, people won't say a word. But their behaviours speak volumes - withdrawal, lack of interest in anything and other signs. Just because they don't reach out to people also doesn't mean that they're not seriously considering suicide.

I hope this makes sense....Tall - thanks again for sharing with us. Your post is definitely a good reminder of why abusing alcohol can be very dangerous...:hug:

 

[forgetmenot]

Hey BluMac i know your in pain but try please to see outside this. Remember the devastation you will cause to your mother and sister whom you say love you and you them. Please BluMac don't go down this road because it can only end tragically. My brother did the same as you are doing and i know he only wanted his pain to end not his life but it didn't happen that way. It is his family in pain now and i know you would never want to cause your mother and sister this kind of pain. Please BluMac get yourself help now please very concerned as well mary

 

[BluMac81]

Thanks for your concern all. I have been keeping busy today (as school started up again), and thus feel a bit better.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks for the update BluMac81 please stay safe thinking of you mary

 

[BluMac81]

Well, it was going good. I have been keeping very busy every day, distracting, it's one of the DBT techniques. But the drinking continues, I'm addicted, I need it more than food. To numb me. So every night I get drunk regardless, and I feel good for a while, then a spiral doward. Sometimes just into sleep (on good days), other days, like today, into a spiral of self-injury and suicidal urges and actions.

I know everyone is going to tell me to stop drinking. And I know, as soon as I can find an AA group that works with my schedule I will go. But there has to be some underlying issue here. I believe it to be self-hate. You can trigger this out if you want but I feel it's relevant, {edited out SI details}, . I tried to {edited out suicide discription} again but, again, not seriously, just wanting to test how it would be when and if I do the actual thing... that's the scary part. I'm getting closer to death, and I feel good about that. I don't know why. I still pray every night that I might die painlessly and end up in the arms of a merciful God. Some of you cannot understand the mental pain that goes on in mental illnesses, it can be as much pain as the pain felt by a person pleading for euthenasia on the death bed, but there are no tests for that in psychiatry.

I wonder if I should commit myself to a mental institution....

 

[white page]

Hi BluMac,

Your intelligence is telling you that, there are underlying issues that produce these self destructive impulses.
There are many options open to you if you want to deal with them, the wanting has to come from you.
First deal with the alcohol abuse, there are cures available to help you to physically overcome your need for alcohol. At the same time make steps to find a therapist who will accompany you through this.

I think it would be a good idea to see a doctor today. You know deep down that life can be otherwise, take the first step today towards another way of being , you don't have to suffer. Be an actor in your own wellbeing , no one else can do this for you.

best wishes wp

 

[NicNak]

BluMac is there a hospital where you can go to? Since you are contemplating suicide, I would call 911 or go to the hospital emergency. They can stablize you. Also a good idea because of the injury to your arm, you most likely will need stiches and a tetnus shot.

If you are admitted, they can help you with the alcohol issues you are having as well as trying to find medication that will work for you.

I am not a doctor/therapist or otherwise. I am a fellow patient myself. If in your situation I would personally admit myself to the hospital. That would be the safest place to be right now.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I know everyone is going to tell me to stop drinking.[

Yep. Even BluMac is going to tell you that.

But there has to be some underlying issue here.

Yep. But you're not going to be able to identify what that is as long as you're getting wasted every night.

 

[Into The Light]

blumac, you're in a serious situation here. you are hurting yourself and damaging yourself with all the self-destructive behaviour, and if you're not careful, you just may end up dead, or not dead but with serious permanent physical damage to yourself.

think of your family. even the self-destructive behaviour would really pain them. they do not want this for you.

get yourself help, today. if not for yourself, do it for your family. don't hurt them by hurting yourself like this.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

if you're not careful, you just may end up dead, or not dead but with serious permanent physical damage to yourself.

The latter is more likely. If you're unhappy with your life now, imagine how happy you'll be by adding liver and brain damage into the mix.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi BluMac81 still hurting very much i see. I think for now maybe signing yourself into hospital would be an excellent idea. They will give you the support you need to stop this pain and also get you the support, contacts to help you stop this binge drinking. Blue really you know this is going to hurt your mother and sister and they don't deserve this type of pain. Please get the help you need by first getting to hospital to get yourself some help. Your worth it Blue really your family loves you try doing this for them if not for yourself.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Blue,

I'm joining Dr. B and ITL in telling you stop drinking - now! And I feel entitled to tell you that since I tend to want to abuse alcohol when I'm in my pit too.

I'll acknowledge that drinking makes me stupid: it makes me melodramatic, encourages me to do very stupid things to myself and only magnifies my feelings of self-hatred and shame. You don't drink because of self-hatred, you drink because you like alcohol. You only use the self-hatred as a means of justifying that behaviour - then we don't feel as guilty about wanting to drink. Shame really, because if we didn't hate eourselves before drinking, we sure do afterwards.

I stopped drinking a little while ago. I'm finally regaining a little of me back now. This morning - I went to the market - which I hadn't done since August 2008. Trust me, I'm celebrating that victory and I'm toasting myself with a nice class of chocolate milk, nothing stronger.

If you need support in stopping, get it. If you want our support here at psychlinks, there is a thread here http://forum.psychlinks.ca/addictiv...buse/13219-abstinence-buddies-support-12.html.

You'll see my name there too Blue. You'll notice that there are times when I slip off that 'proverbial wagon'. And then I get right back on it - because darnit, life's already difficult enough for me without making it worse for myself.

...And if you think that this is a scold- you're not wrong. I am scolding you. You're an intelligent young man. Now stop using coping mechanisms which only invite danger for you. Particularly when you know that you're on medications which, when combined with alcohol, become very dangerous. You may very well land yourself in a vegetative state, as ITL has already suggested to you.