[Trigger] Downward spiral

[texasgirl]

Blumac,

I agree with everyone here that the drinking has to stop. It as you know is keeping you from moving forward to any degree of stability. I also agree that you should check yourself into a hospital if only to stop the "spiral" that you speak of.

But I want to speak to your other comment about "testing" how it would be when and if you do the "actual thing". I want to tell you that this "testing" can really result in your potentially accidentally going through with it. My husband used to do this, and he ended up dead, even though afterwards it was evident that he tried to "undo" his mistake at the end. Furthermore, the utter devastation he left his family with has impacted our lives, his children's lives, his sisters and parents lives forever. It was self-indulgent, even though I recognize that he was in pain, but I firmly believe that it was also somewhat of a game, as sick as it was. In any case I also believe that it was his choice, not to stop drinking or to get help with it, and not to agree to help for his depression, to the lifelong detriment and impact on all who loved and knew him. I am sorry if this sounds hard or cold, but it's meant to.

I strongly urge you to seek immediate help, even if only a small part of you right now can reach out. You are worth it and your family is worth it.

TG :support:

 

[Charity]

Once again, Jazzey has pretty much spoken for me. She's a smart one! (Edit: After reading further, I include texasgirl in that statement)

I totally know what you mean when you talk about people not understanding how profound the pain of mental illness can be. People who've never felt it can't even begin to imagine. And I'm no one to scold you, either! I have my own issues with using less-then-ideal coping mechanisms, despite having seen time and again that it only causes more harm.

No, I don't know why we keep on doing the same old things that only hurt us more. I guess we just do what's comfortable and familiar. But man, even when the pain is at its worst and we feel like death on wheels, there's still enough of a spark of intellect present to keep reminding us of the truth. You know on a deep level that there are better ways. You know that there are people who can help you get things back on track.

Won't you give it a try? The real you is there, temporarily buried behind the mess and confusion, and you CAN come back. If you keep on as you are, I'm afraid that you'll accidentally or thoughtlessly do something that will cause permanent harm to the real you, the you that's still intact in there (for the time being). Do this for yourself while you can still get out in one piece! Lots of people just want to see things turn out okay for you. :support:

 

[BluMac81]

Thanks for the advise.
Decided to not drink tonight. One day at a time right, I can do it.
I admit some of your feedback here has made me feel... isolated, like I am worse off than I really am, and that few are as bad as me. I know you're trying to help though, thanks.

No drinking today, popping lots of xanax though. Celexa has a side effect in that I can't cry, strange as it may sound, I wish I could cry. I haven't done anything productive today, just rested, and that, even, I feel guilty about, as there are many things that need to get done.

Have thought about telling my family about my cutting and suicidal urges, and have thought about checking myself into this hospital: Cedar Springs : Acute Psychiatric Program
But it would severely affect my life (financially mainly) I may look into it, but still feel I can somehow get over this on my own.

What is your advice on these two thoughts?

Thanks everyone

 

[ladylore]

My thoughts - use perscriptions as advized only.

Getting some help would be a good thing. In the mean time, have you ever considered going to either an AA or NA meeting. Even if your not sure of the 12 Step thing, it would give you a nonthreatening chance to be around people.

See if there is one in your area. Many communities have then every day or at least a couple times a week. You could probably get some great resources too.

 

[tallshyone]

I definaitly feel strongly that you should go into this Cedar Springs treatment place.
Whats more important to you money or yourself.
I think you should talk to your family right now I am feel they will again to .

 

[NicNak]

BluMac. I don't believe anyone's intentions were to make you feel isolated.

I can assure you, I have been in a crisis situations too where going to the hospital was the best idea. That is why I suggested going to the hospital where you can get treatment and be supervised so you cannot hurt yourself further.

I am sure I am not the only one who has been in a crisis situation and you are not the only one either.

I believe people are trying to help you see how dangerous the combinations of your drinking, the suicidal thoughts, the SI and the medication can be.

We all want to see you do well BluMac.

 

[Retired]

But it would severely affect my life (financially mainly) I may look into it, but still feel I can somehow get over this on my own.

You cannot afford not to get professional help. Trying to overcome this situation on your own is like trying to fix your own car, or your plumbing or electricity on your own...you may get some of it right, but getting a professional to do it ensures it's done right.

No drinking today, popping lots of xanax though

That's no improvement, nor a substitute and just as dangerous. You need to get professional help now.

 

[tallshyone]

Blumac ,I know you feel as though we are all jumping on you ...but you must realize that as somewhat an outside view of you this is what we see.I still go back to my thoughts of playing a game somewhat..AND NO I AM NOT SAYING YOU ARE...I just think you don't realize. I feel like you are trying to say things to convince us as well as yourself that you are ok... As if doing more would be a sign of weakness...Have you spoken to any of your family today ?
Friends? Anyone? Please consider what we are saying . I truely think you do not want to die. I really do think you want help . So please take the help given. regardless of what or who gives it. Because I don't think your life story ends here.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think telling a family member about your thoughts and self harm is a good thing. They will probably get you the much needed help you need. Overdosing yourself with medications is just a dangerous. No boose great now maybe your mind will stay clear enough to make some right decisions for yourself. Don't wait until it has gone to far okay because you know it you need help.

 

[Jazzey]

Yes, sorry if we made you feel more isolated Blue. That wasn't the point- it was more of a little shake because we do care.

I won't give you advice on whether or not to enter treatment- only because, if you do decide to go, I need you to 1) want it for yourself, 2) do it for yourself.

But I'm proud that you're not drinking tonight Blue. And again, you can lean on us here too. And as LL suggested, try not to replace one drug with another? :hug: :hug: (refering to the xanax)

 

[forgetmenot]

Hey BluMac no one wants to make you feel isolated it is just some can relate too well what you are going throught as they have been there themselves. I know how dangerous your situation is because my brother was where you were and did not get the help he needed now he is gone. I just want you to reach out and get the help you deserve. You are a good son and brother and you deserve to get rid of this pain in you BluMac please get help now and I too am very please you have refrained from alcohol this evening.

 

[white page]

Have thought about telling my family about my cutting and suicidal urges, and have thought about checking myself into this hospital: Cedar Springs : Acute Psychiatric Program
But it would severely affect my life (financially mainly) I may look into it, but still feel I can somehow get over this on my own.

Hi BluMac,
I've been reading your responses, and this seems like a great alibi not to seek help, but it does not do credit to your obvious intelligence.

But it would severely affect my life (financially mainly)

Let's look at this from a purely financial aspect, write down on a piece of paper, the full amount you spend on your daily alcohol intake, and then multiply it by 365, also add to that sum the loss of income from the days you cannot function, because of self medication abuse.

Multiply this by the number of years you have been struggling with this issue,
Now compare this sum, with what you feel you may lose in terms of income if you enter a clinic.

Now some more realistic talk, in a few years or even sooner, your liver and brain will become irreversibly damaged not to speak of your general physical appearance, just think of the loss of income that will result in.

There is no gentle way to say this, looking at things in such a short term way, gives you a great alibi. I know you know this deep down.

Your suffering is real and needs to be taken seriously into account by you.
Make that downward spiral into an upward spiral, Listen to all the excellent , considered and caring advice given here by members who have taken the time and trouble to respond to your cries for help.

You have had many responses, this in itself shows that we don't want you to
feel isolated.
Go for it BluMac, get yourself into that clinic, we will be here supporting you.

best wishes wp

 

[tallshyone]

Thank you for pointing out things we often miss. When we go thru times like this we fail to be able to see the big picture the future . the good ,where we succeed in finding the healthy balance in life and go on to have a full happy life.the bad, where we can see the things that our easy fixes such as abuse of meds and others drugs (yes alcoholis a drug as well as other things) do to us over the years.

Stressors: (1)money, (2)fear of what others will think of us, (3)due to lack of both of those we end up alone... so being alone is #3

Where are you blumac, we are concerned about you and all have added our input into all this but its you who we wish to hear from .

 

[BluMac81]

Well I blew it in one way, after reading a comment by someone here saying something like "since you're taking xanax like that you are doing the same thing as drinking", I figured, well then I have already messed up, mind as well drink. So I did, and then a friend I texted, texting back asking she could get high (pot) in my place, I said yes, and we both smoked some pot. Pot I don't like so much other than an alchohol amplifier, but I hit some really highs and weird short burts of extreme panic that would come and go within seconds. Sobering up now. Haven't harmed myself or had suicidal thoughts tonight. Just gonna sleep, just another day.

 

[white page]

I'm now going to rewrite your post BluMac

The latter is more likely. If you're unhappy with your life now, imagine how happy you'll be by adding liver and brain damage into the mix.

Well I did well, after reading a comment by someone here saying something like " If you're unhappy with your life now, imagine how happy you'll be by adding liver and brain damage into the mix".I figured, well then I have already made an effort, might as well not drink. So I didn't, and then a friend I texted, texting back asking she could come to my place, I said yes, and we both had a great conversation and nice evening.
Haven't harmed myself or had suicidal thoughts tonight. Just gonna sleep, just another day.

All that to say, that if you don't transform what is really written here to suit your addiction, then you can rewrite your life.

best wishes wp

 

[Jazzey]

Blue, I can't begin to tell you how frustrating it is to read your recent posts. Yesterday, our replies made you feel more isolated. Even though many of us took the time to respond to you, to express concern.

Today, after reading those replies, you upped the anty on your use of drugs.

That was your choice Blue. No one here made you make that decision. I'd hate to think that you're now using all of us to justify behaviours that you know are bad for you.

If I can offer you one bit of constructive advice - take ownership of those behaviours. That would be a good solid step for you right now.

You have always had and continue to have my support Blue -:support:

 

[ladylore]

I think it's time that you seen your doctor BlueMac for an assessment. That way you can be referred to the right places to get the medical attention you need at this point.

I know the medical system is different in the United States, but I urge you to go see your doctor and see what he/she can come up with to help you.

Psychlinks is here for peer to peer support for you, but at this point you need to add some professional help to the mix. The situation goes beyond peer to peer support.

 

[tallshyone]

I agree with ladylore. And I thank her for saying it.

Replaceing one bad for another bad and realizing it does not equal good does not give you the ok to just do whatever. You are better than that..

If you really want to get better and go on to lead a wonderful life .stop blaming others for your downfalls. Don't give into what you think temptation wants from you.

You have stated in past posts that you are a Christian and well let me point out in a way that I hope you will grasp more.

God has given you the tools to overcome this.(treatment programs etc.)

However he also has given you free will which he hopes you will use to follow the right path .So follow the path for you .
We are all there for you and hope you do well as we all know you can do .

 

[Charity]

2 thoughts...

Please, for Pete's sake, don't EVER feel alone and isolated in what you're experiencing! I hope you can feel from our words that we've been there too. Personally, I feel like it gives us a little more credibility in our words to you, simply because we're not "caring strangers" who don't really know beans about what we're saying. We care so much because we know how it feel ourselves.

And a personal note, about the Xanax... That's one of my own little issues. I always have it on hand, terrified to be without it. It does wonders to calm me down, to help me relax and get some sleep when I need to. Sometimes, when things are bad, I may eat a few more of 'em than I probably should. I've recently noticed something very important about it, though, that I wasn't aware of before but should have been. When I've taken a good-sized dose of it, I do feel a little better-- BUT my impulse control goes out the window, too. If I'm feeling particularly down, maybe feeling like doing a little SI, and then I have a few xannies, I'm SO much more likely to fall into the trap. I've had to explain this to my husband recently-- who was surprised to hear it-- that if I take some Xanax and don't go on to sleep soon, he needs to keep a discreet eye on me. I might just do something that I would otherwise be able to resist.

I wonder if you might fall into this same predicament... Xanax is indeed a wonderful drug for felping take the edge off the pain a bit, but for me, the price is self-control. Think it over; see if you might find yourself more vulnerable with it in your system. I'm absolutely positive it's that way for me, and it was an extremely helpful insight when I finally figured it out. Just give it a think... :friends:

Take care.

 

[Retired]

since you're taking xanax like that you are doing the same thing as drinking

That's no improvement, nor a substitute and just as dangerous

The point is that abusing a prescription medication is equally as dangerous as abusing alcohol. it's like speeding down the road with either your left foot or your right foot on the accelerator.

The issue is to figure out a way that you will stop this self destructive behaviour, get the professional counseling you need to improve your quality of life.

What things would lead you to feel more hopeful about the future?

What would it take for you to call your therapist to get help at this time?