ladylore
Account Closed
This is a good start - Detox Centers are listed.
Drug, Alcohol: Detox Centers and Clinics
Drug, Alcohol: Detox Centers and Clinics
[Trigger] Downward spiral
- Thread starter BluMac81
- Start date
BluMac81
Member
Thank you for all your supportive comments, and I apologize if I offended any by 'pinning the blame' on some people here. I guess I was just thinking of giving externalization a try as opposed to internalization which is what I always do, but really it was just an excuse to, drink, have fun. And yes I own up to the actions I take, it was my choice to drink and my choice to smoke and my choice to take too many xanax.
The pot smoking was just an anomoly, my friend who texted me is a good long time friend who has breast cancer and is going through kemo, and her presence at my place was very comforting. Still pot gives me those short bursts of panic which I despise so that is something I'll never get addicted to.
I feel fine today though, slept well, have a few more days before school starts so gonna get busy and do those todo's I've been postponding, which, yes, does include looking more in to that psych center. I left the psych center an email and will call em on Monday about their inpatient care.
The underlying issue here when things are said that I'll have liver disease, this disease, that disease, is... simply I find no meaning or joy in life, and find death appealing still, as I keep saying in my prayers "Give me a reason to live!", but none reveals itself. It's odd, my friend Tina has seemed happier since she was diagnosed with cancer...
I won't give up though, a spiral is a spiral and I appreciate you guys being so patient with me in regards to getting out of this spiral, and again apologize for anything that happens therein.
The pot smoking was just an anomoly, my friend who texted me is a good long time friend who has breast cancer and is going through kemo, and her presence at my place was very comforting. Still pot gives me those short bursts of panic which I despise so that is something I'll never get addicted to.
I feel fine today though, slept well, have a few more days before school starts so gonna get busy and do those todo's I've been postponding, which, yes, does include looking more in to that psych center. I left the psych center an email and will call em on Monday about their inpatient care.
The underlying issue here when things are said that I'll have liver disease, this disease, that disease, is... simply I find no meaning or joy in life, and find death appealing still, as I keep saying in my prayers "Give me a reason to live!", but none reveals itself. It's odd, my friend Tina has seemed happier since she was diagnosed with cancer...
I won't give up though, a spiral is a spiral and I appreciate you guys being so patient with me in regards to getting out of this spiral, and again apologize for anything that happens therein.
BluMac81
Member
I'm curious, what do you mean by assessment? I am already regularly seeing a psychiatrist and pschologist (well, regularly as in once every 1-2 months.), and I believe they have assessed me. Though if you mean an assessment at a psychiatric inpatient clinic yeah that is what I'm aiming for this week. I'm totally willing to drop all this and go and get help, it's just the financial stuff that'd be holding me back (have no insurance other than VA.)
Thanks for your support Jazzey
You always have my support Blue. When I say assessment, I mean with respect to your current mood - the suicidal ideation, the coping mechanisms - all of the above. Whether it be from your family doctor or from your psychiatrist. But I do think that it needs to be done sooner rather than later...This week would be great.
Charity
MVP
I agree (again) with Jazzey. My doctors have always stressed to me that when things get like they are for you at the moment, just haul your butt in for a look-over. ANY time your thoughts stay so dark, or you find yourself engaging in unwanted behaviors that are harmful to you, just... show up. March right in the door, find someone who works there, and blurt out what's going on in your head. It's their job to take over from there, and help you to do whatever it happens to be that you need.
tallshyone
Member
Blumac, you say" as I keep saying in my prayers "Give me a reason to live!", but none reveals itself" well... he has given you that ...he gave you life ... and once again he gave you all the tools to be happy.
My cat as well as my dog give me joy. Just when I start to feel blue they have an uncanny way of senseing that and do something that make me laugh.
My cat as well as my dog give me joy. Just when I start to feel blue they have an uncanny way of senseing that and do something that make me laugh.
forgetmenot
MVP
BlueMac81 I give you two reasons to live 1. Your mother 2. Your sister and knowing that they love you very much. Thanks for your update and i do pray that you will get the help you need to find inner peace.
BluMac81
Member
So yeah I told my mom tonight, spur of the moment thing, I told her about the SI, and the potential of me spending some time at the psych hospital. She was shocked, but supportive as usual and said she will pray for me. All the conversation I couldn't cry, the power of Celexa eh? I didn't tell her about the suicidal thoughts and actions I've took though, that would worry her too much. Anyway she said she's always gonna be there for me. It's comforting...tonight.
white page
Member
BluMac,
I am happy for you. Well done, it must have been very emotional for you both.
I am also very proud of you for taking control of your life in this very positive way.
We are all supporting you as well.
best wishes wp
I am happy for you. Well done, it must have been very emotional for you both.
I am also very proud of you for taking control of your life in this very positive way.
We are all supporting you as well.
best wishes wp
forgetmenot
MVP
Good for you BluMac81 reaching out and getting the support you needed from your mom. She will always be there for you Blue as you will always be there for her. Loads of support going your way take care.
Into The Light
MVP
i am glad to hear it blumac. you need all the support you can get. :support:
tallshyone
Member
Hope all is well.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
BluMac, I have removed your last post here.
What I have to say now will doubtless sound harsh but I think you need to hear it.
You know and everyone reading or replying to this thread knows that continuing your self-destructive behavior is a recipe for disaster. There is no need to further document your repeated self-destructive behaviors. You've already done that - repeatedly.
You have a clear choice: Continue down this path to its inevitable end or seek help. Spare yourself and others all the rationalizations about why you can't seek help. You know full well they are hollow nonsense.
You need to take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself this question: Do you want help? Do you want something better than what you have now? Or do you just want sympathy and pity? To continue to write the pathetic story of your descent into self-destruction in graphic detail.
And remember: Doing nothing is also a choice.
What I have to say now will doubtless sound harsh but I think you need to hear it.
You know and everyone reading or replying to this thread knows that continuing your self-destructive behavior is a recipe for disaster. There is no need to further document your repeated self-destructive behaviors. You've already done that - repeatedly.
You have a clear choice: Continue down this path to its inevitable end or seek help. Spare yourself and others all the rationalizations about why you can't seek help. You know full well they are hollow nonsense.
You need to take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself this question: Do you want help? Do you want something better than what you have now? Or do you just want sympathy and pity? To continue to write the pathetic story of your descent into self-destruction in graphic detail.
And remember: Doing nothing is also a choice.
Last edited:
tallshyone
Member
Well I must say thank you for what I feel needed to be said and I do hope blumac took the advice given and got the help needed . my fingers are crossed.
BluMac81
Member
Thanks again all for your support. It truly was a downward spiral, so on Wednesday I spoke with my sister, for the first time about the SI and suicidal thoughts. She cried a bit. And I left, and she contacted everyone in my family about the things I told her, and I received an outpouring of support from my beloved family. Needless to say, they were extremely concerned about it. Upon their advice, I drove in to a Mental Hospital I had been looking at to get an 'assessment.,' but the head guy interviewing me there said I needed to be admitted now. Quite a shock for me... but I did it, I spent a couple days there at the acute psychiatric clinic, along side mostly soldiers who have mental problems, and began to see things through new eyes.
Upon my discharge I did as I said I would and came home and emptied the last vodka I had, and swore I would never drink alone. And from there I went to stay the night with my sisters, yep both of them happened to be there (as the younger just got out of the monastery), and today we spent a lovely day at the park with our baby topher, and a friend of my sister's who had several children. Sure got my vitamin D in! Feeling uplifting, and on those dreary nights in the hospital I would think about what I have done wrong that is hindering my ability to heal. One is the booze, a depressant given to a depressed person, naturally I knew that had to go. Second is the isolation, I realized that needed to be around people more, and to that end will be going more social outings, family gatherings, and support groups. And Third, is that I realized my psychologist is actually doing a GOOD job, it's just I haven't applied myself to the DBT treatments. Oh and fourth is that science (in this case psychology/psychiatry) can only do so much scratch the surface of mental illness, because there this thing called the soul, that must be quenched, and so with his forgiveness and ever-welcoming arms in mind, I turn to God now, seeking that my soul be filled.
So with that in mind I start anew throwing away all the bad and bringing towards me all the good. I will call my sisters or mother if I have any problems, they are relentlessly here for me no matter what, and thank God for their presence. Thank you all for all your help. And sorry to have worried you with no posts. Well, I got lots of 'cleanin' to do!
Upon my discharge I did as I said I would and came home and emptied the last vodka I had, and swore I would never drink alone. And from there I went to stay the night with my sisters, yep both of them happened to be there (as the younger just got out of the monastery), and today we spent a lovely day at the park with our baby topher, and a friend of my sister's who had several children. Sure got my vitamin D in! Feeling uplifting, and on those dreary nights in the hospital I would think about what I have done wrong that is hindering my ability to heal. One is the booze, a depressant given to a depressed person, naturally I knew that had to go. Second is the isolation, I realized that needed to be around people more, and to that end will be going more social outings, family gatherings, and support groups. And Third, is that I realized my psychologist is actually doing a GOOD job, it's just I haven't applied myself to the DBT treatments. Oh and fourth is that science (in this case psychology/psychiatry) can only do so much scratch the surface of mental illness, because there this thing called the soul, that must be quenched, and so with his forgiveness and ever-welcoming arms in mind, I turn to God now, seeking that my soul be filled.
So with that in mind I start anew throwing away all the bad and bringing towards me all the good. I will call my sisters or mother if I have any problems, they are relentlessly here for me no matter what, and thank God for their presence. Thank you all for all your help. And sorry to have worried you with no posts. Well, I got lots of 'cleanin' to do!
ladylore
Account Closed
I am so glad you got help. You mentioned support groups, go out more....You may want to write down specifically what support groups you will be attending - date, time, where, when. Do the same for the other items you plan on doing.
This really does help to keep one on track. :2thumbs:
This really does help to keep one on track. :2thumbs:
:support: I am so proud of you BluMac. Do you go back to see the doctors at the hospital again? Did they change your medication or anything?
tallshyone
Member
Hey Blumac, sounds like you spent 2 nights there and I hope they did you good. Seems like they gave you a good start and well even though I am aprehensive that it was enough time to really help, I think that your sisters and family are a good thing to have around.
Remember today is a new day and each day that follows is a new one as well . So take each day one day at a time.:2thumbs:
Remember today is a new day and each day that follows is a new one as well . So take each day one day at a time.:2thumbs:
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