Feeling crappy

[Lost]

RJ no worries.
So happy that you're feeling better now!
(also funnily enough I'm jealous of you that you're feeling better now...)
(it's so liberating to be able to be completely honest on this site!!!)

And you don't need my post - you sound like you know exactly what to do to feel better!

 

[RBM]

Wow I've been away for awhile, I just noticed there were some replys in this topic, which I can't lie...makes me feel better.

Lost I totally agree with what you said about wanting empathy more than encouragement. I've had so many people say it'll be alright right or things will work out but I don't really feel better even though most of the time I know people mean well.

I hope for your sake Lost and RJ you don't have either of the personality orders I have because they really suck. I don't know how ThatLady can say her problems seem tame compare to anything because it would be my super duper dream come true to be able to trade my disorders for any other mental problem there is.

One good thing is I'm pretty sure I feel better than I did on the day I made this topic, So that's a plus heh.

Something I've learned is you need to do things for yourself and value yourself. I probably only do it about 1% as much as I should but it beats 0%. Even though it may not seem important I find if I do something without being asked it being expected of me it gives me a self-esteem boost. Also taking care of yourself helps, it's like when you treat yourself with respect you start to believe you deserve it.

Both of you sound like your getting down on yourself. For some reason even though I have horrible self-esteem It doesn't make sense to me to blame myself. We never asked for these problems so how can we be to blame.

I definitely can empathise with you RJ about the bottled up anger. I could really use help with this problem. The only thing that has helped me a tiny bit that I can think of is using my crappy life as a tool. I figure hey I can say what I want to people and what can they do to me, I have nothing good to lose. So it helps me sometimes be able to say what's on my mind rather then bottling it up.

 

[RJ]

Nice to see you've been feeling way better about yourself RBM. I'm sorry I haven't replied in a while. I think you can't please everybody and succeed at the same time...its something you got to remember.

Lost, I can assure you that there's nothing to be jealous of my situation. That was a one-off. I still shed a few tears everyday, feel very vulnerable and vividly suicidal coz my problems have blown out of proportion, even if it is only in my head sometimes. You don't get called a loser everyday or talked about along similar lines (at least I'm assuming). I'm trying my best to hold myself together for myself, and only myself and it hurts.

 

[RJ]

Try and FOCUS on feeling positive and 'normal', without branding yourself or acknowledging the negative side of you. Focus on your potential, not your limitations.

 

[JA]

I really liked RBM's comment "I probably only do it about 1% as much as I should but it beats 0%." I think that 1% is key to feeling better. When you're down, doing things right seems impossible. Making your life worth is seems impossible. But doing things 1% better or making your life 1% more worth it, although it may still be a challenge, can be done and it suprisingly does make a difference.

I also want to say, to those who say that going to se a therapist didn't help, that finding a therapist may be like finding a friend : you have to meet alot to find someone you really connect with. So don't be afraid to shop around. No therapist is perfect and no therapist will make problems go away on their own, but some can provide you with empathy and tools so you can make many of your problems go away. I don't know if this makes sense... if you've already seen a dozen therapists, I can understand I'd be hard to believe... but if you've only seen one or two and it really didn't work, maybe you just didn't see the right ones for you.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

finding a therapist may be like finding a friend : you have to meet alot to find someone you really connect with. So don't be afraid to shop around. No therapist is perfect and no therapist will make problems go away on their own, but some can provide you with empathy and tools so you can make many of your problems go away. I don't know if this makes sense... if you've already seen a dozen therapists, I can understand I'd be hard to believe... but if you've only seen one or two and it really didn't work, maybe you just didn't see the right ones for you.

An excellent post and excellent advice!

 

[RBM]

I think you can't please everybody and succeed at the same time...its something you got to remember.

Ain't that the truth.

I used to feed off of being praised by other people and still today because of my disorders I still do, but I catch myself now and try to change my thinking. One thing I've learned is most of the compliments people gave me weren't benifiting me, people were just being selfish and because I would try so hard to please them they liked it.

One reason I brand myself is because it gives me a sense of power. I rarely feel I am able to defend myself very well but when people hear a specific name for an illness with years of medical research behind it they are less likely to dismiss the problem. It goes along with the stigma attached to mental illness and especially in my veiw to my personality disorders since very few people have any clue of what I have to deal with.

I would like to go to a therapist but in the past my words have been used against me and it has shattered my faith in them. I really don't know how to proceed.

 

[Lost]

Now HOW ANNOYING IS THAT!!!!?!!!!!??!!!!

I just spent a good half hour replying and hit the 'previous page' button by mistake, and totally lost my whole post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (they should allow bigger fonts here so people can express themselves more!!!!)

Ok. <deep breath>

start all over again: sorry I haven't been here for ages... bla di bla... can't be bothered giving my excuse again.

RBM, you sound like you've got some great lessons to learn. I also have to stop feeding off everyone's compliments. Although when it' practically what I live for it's quite a hard thing to do...
Also thank you for posting initially, and for sharing how happy you are to see responses! I felt so stupid when I'd spent AGES writing to you at first and then discovered you'd posted it so long ago... So how you feeling these days?

RJ, do people really call you a loser every day? I'd have had a nervous breakdown a long time ago if I had to live in that kind of environment... Maybe you could try and find some positive people to be around...?
And listen to me: you are GREAT!!! You wrote an amazing post a while ago about how to feel better, breathe deeply, write things down for yourself to work it out etc... You are NO WAY a loser! You're a FIGHTER!!! You de man!!!! People can be blindly stupid and thoughtless and we've gotta just ignore them and know that deep down we're great people.

Anyway, my news is I thank god found a GOOD THERAPIST. A very good therapist. I feel likemy life has a direction now, and she's totally beyond me, cleverer than me etc... So I feel like I'm being handled. Which is a relief.
So, don't give up that you haven't found the right therapist for you, please keep trying. I feel so much better now that I'm seeing mine regularly. There hasn't really been much actual improvement yet anywhere, but I have faith that there's a process that we're going through which will take time <sigh>.

And I probably forgot to write now most of the things I wrote before but it's too late now and I gotta go.

Bye all.

 

[Lost]

RBM. I just wanna add that I also lost faith in therapists for a long time and doubted that there was really anyone out there who could help me. And I had 3 therapists who were all no good for different reasons... And now I've found this one, and I could tell instantly that she was a lot better than the others I had.
So really do keep trying to find a good therapist for yourself. Please!
Maybe some moderators here can contact RBM to find out which area she's in to find a GOOD therapist.
Now that I have one I see how important it is to have one.

 

[RBM]

Ouch, Ok I'm hoping that was a typo cause I'm a man.

Anyway it's not that I don't think that a therapist could help me it's just that having trust broken for a person with my disorders is a much more serious issue than for the average person.

 

[Lost]

RBM, my sincerest apologies!

I dunno why I just assumed you were a woman. Having reread your posts I see it makes complete sense that you're a man, not a woman! It's probably more of a female trait to blame yourself, which you don't seem to do... And your expressions you use are very male, and there's other stuff which I can't be bothered to analyse any more.

Now, I don't know exactly what my disorders are, but there are plenty of them, deeply ingrained. I get hugely offended by being described as an 'average person'. I am not an average person, and I don't think like an average person!
It also takes me forever to trust. I am very paranoid about opening up to someone, and will only do so once they've repeatedly told me that they will never pass on ANY information to anyone, not now, or not in 25 years time. I need to know that they will never talk to me about my personal issues if there's anyone else in the same house, coz someone upstairs can easily overhear things... I have to feel 100% confidant that they are trustworthy, and that they have my best interests at heart before thinking about talking to them properly.
Trusting someone - is a HUGE DEAL for me. I had my trust broken seriously 3 times in my life and each time was a DEVASTATING experience. One time I remember - age 15 or so - I'd just discovered that the only friend in the world that I had, had been saying disgusting things about me behind my back. The atmosphere for me at home was worse than walkinginto a lion's den for me. I had parents who hated my guts. I got to see all co-classmates going out together, having fun, and I was always left alone. Too proud to ever say anything. This friend had been the only one I'd had, and she'd broken my trust. Had I not already been so repressed, depressed and in denial, I'd have committed suicide.

So I'm just trying to show that you're not the only one struggling with 'trusting' issues.

Anyway, to get back to you MR RBM, (!) you wrote that you believe there's a chance that a therapist COULD help. What are the issues then, about trusting, that are keeping you from finding the right therapist, and freeing yourself from your own prison?

One thing I can add, I've noticed that I'm much less angry than I used to be these days. I'm arguing much less. I'm not looking for arguments like I now realised I used to. I used to get so angry at times, the most revolting things would come out my mouth, I'd hiss and curse and rant and rave, and wouldn't care what the hell people around me thought - I would get sooo out of control. And now since I've been seeing this therapist I don't think I've had a single temper flare-up. She's definitely helping me, and it's happening a lot more subtly than I thought it would.

You know I just love this website and could type here forever, but I've gotta go...

 

[ThatLady]

Your post made me stop and think, RJ, about what life was like for me when I was 22. I can certainly relate to what you're saying, even after all these years. I remember how inadequate I felt, and how in awe I was of others who seemed to live life without a care in the world...at least, that's how it looked to me. I felt like I was constantly fighting my way upstream. Although those years are behind me now, I certainly can't say it wasn't difficult, or that it didn't hurt to face the same maddening fight every bloody day. It did.

Are you on any kind of medication to help you work with the problems you're encountering? Getting a good night's sleep is important...if you're able to do it. I was the type who slept constantly, but I knew other sufferers who couldn't sleep at all. Eating a healthy diet is important, as well...if you can do it. There are those who can barely afford to eat at all, much less eat what they're supposed to eat. Water and exercise, at least, are within the reach of almost anyone. If you're doing all those things and it still isn't happening for you, you probably need medication to help you get control. It took me a while to find the right combination, and a good psychiatrist to help me put together all the things I knew were true but wasn't able to utilize on my own. Once I got the right treatment, and the right medications, it was just a matter of bulling my way through with determination and the desire to become the best me I could be. I had to learn to accept myself instead of allowing myself to give in to the judgements of others. That was the hard part, I think.

 

[RBM]

RBM, you sound like you've got some great lessons to learn.

I'm not sure what you meant by this, I have worked very hard trying to better myself. Everyone has lessons to learn.

Anyway I'm once again feeling crappy.

Lost, I wasn't implying you are average it was just my of saying that I have been damaged and it will be? extremely difficult for me to trust becuase of it. I was put in a psych hospital against my will and it scarred me, infact if I had the mental and finacial means I would sue. I know the exact same thing happens to some people and it's a positive for them but not for me. It's like war, some people can come back and live a fairly normal life while others aren't.

I would love to go to a therapist if I knew that he would never put me in the hospital.

 

[Lost]

I simply meant that learning not to live for other's compliments, which is something I do the whole time, is a great lesson to learn.? Sorry if it came across as patronising.? I think i also meant to say that it's a great lesson for ME to learn too.

...and - how horrible.? Now I understand your fear of therapists better.? I would have curled up and died had my therapist done that to me.?

But there has to be someone out there who you could go to, who you know wouldn't do that to you....?? Anyone out there who could advise...?

Isn't there a law against doing things like this?? I mean unless you're gonna murder someone or be violent, how does someone have the right to stick you in a psych hospital?

I dunno.? All I can say is, I suffered for 4 miserable years with lousy therapists, and for long periods with no therapists coz I'd given up that anyone could help me...? And now I see how much time I wasted, since I have now found a wonderful therapist.?
I thought there was no hope for my marriage.? She has made me think that there is a small chance that it can work.? I used to be constantly looking to criticize and attack, I'm now much more relaxed and easy going.? She has helped decrease my anxiety levels.? She's helped me recognise that I was ridiculously anxious beforehand.? I was aware that I had loads of problems and issues, but I didn't think for one second it was due to me being anxious.
She's made a few really deep comments that have triggered me to really rethink some things.? She's connected some things in my life which again has changed the way I relate to things.

I don't eat like a pig the way I used to.? Altho I still suffer from compulsive eating.?
I'm generally calmer.? I don't know if I'm happier, there is still a mighty long way for me to go.? But I just wish I'd started with her ages ago so that I could now be that much further ahead with my life.
I also regret the years I lived in anger and misery - it was so unnecessary - especially now that I'm seeing her twice a week, and I can see the difference half a year of meetng her has made to my life.

RBM I'm sorry you're feeling crappy again.? Truth is I'm also at the moment... but I really think if you could only find a good therapist - well - maybe you'll crappy less often.? And when you do feel crappy, maybe it won't be AS crappy as it used to be...

Is there anyone reading who could advise RBM about the therapist betraying him?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Isn't there a law against doing things like this? I mean unless you're gonna murder someone or be violent, how does someone have the right to stick you in a psych hospital?

You must be an imminent danger to self or others to qualify for involuntary commitment. Even then, the "certificate of admission" must be renewed after 72 hours following a review where you are shown to be a continuing risk to self or others. And after that, there must by law be regular reviews of your status. When the risk is no longer present, you can sign yourself out if you wish.

 

[RBM]

It absolutely sickens me that they are aloud to take my freedom away like that. It reminds me of ridiculous laws I'd hear about centuries ago. But that's the way people are they'll take advantage of people unable to fight back.

I'm not going to go into it, but it didn't have anything to do with me doing something to someone else.

I have some of the same feelings as you Lost about it being disappointing when I look back and think of what could have been if things were different. Sometimes I regret and sometimes I figure that's the way things had to go for me.

I used to have a bad phobia of dogs and tried to get help for it but nothing did help. but somewhere along the line most of that has gone away and now I'd say I'm to a place where I can deal with them in most situations. So that experience makes me think time can sometimes give hope.

That's great that you've found someone that helps you, continued success.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

it didn't have anything to do with me doing something to someone else

It isn't a question of whether or not you harmed someone else. The key phrase is "risk of imminent harm to self or others".

I do understand that it would be upsetting to you but any doctor or therapist has an obligation to take what steps are possible to protect you and others if or when such a risk is perceived.

 

[Lost]

Ok... I understand. thank god however angry I get so far I've never gotten violent. altho I really COULD smash a vase at times...
Slamming doors is about as far as I go... Maybe if I were a man I'd be worse...

RBM, you're totally anonymous here. aren't you? I mean there isn't anyone here who knows who you are...? so if that's the case, why don't you 'go into it'? Why not say what led to your 'internment'? Maybe it'll help you figure somethings out.

This website is such a wonderful, non-judgemental and supportive place to come to (moderators, are you listening?) so maybe RBM, it'll help you to talk over that horrible incident here...?

I'm also plain curious ;o) and wanna know what happened, but of course you don't have to reveal all the skeletons in your cupboard... If you think it'll make you angrier or it'll make things worse to talk about it, then don't...

 

[RBM]

it didn't have anything to do with me doing something to someone else

It isn't a question of whether or not you harmed someone else. The key phrase is "risk of imminent harm to self or others".

I do understand that it would be upsetting to you but any doctor or therapist has an obligation to take what steps are possible to protect you and others if or when such a risk is perceived.

I don't care what any stupid law says about it or any bull some doctor wants to come up with it is a TOTAL and ABSOLUTE violation on my rights as a human. These self rightous doctors make these judgements from there high horses and don't care about me. Reading some books does not make them the experts they think they are, and it certianly doesn't give them G-D's job.

Lost, as you can tell I am very sensitive about the subject and I don't want to give people on the internet ammunition to hurt me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What rights are violated? Your right to harm yourself or another person?

The laws governing involuntary commitment are quite strict (at least in this country) and require, first, that the admitting physician document the justification for overriding the patient's right to choose and, second, that the original decision be reviewed in a maximum of 72 hours, at which time there must be continuing evidence of risk to permit another "form" for involuntary commitment. Thereafter, the patient must receive regular reviews as to mental health status and continuing risk, and as soon as the risk is no longer present the patient can no longer be held without his or her consent.