i was molested when i was young (preteen). i've dealt with it and the way my parents mishandled it. i've come to terms with understanding what happened and why. but among other things i haven't been able to get past, there's this one thing i haven't been able to work through. because of what happened, i became withdrawn and went through most of my life not wanting to be noticed for fear of provoking some unwanted inappropriate attention. i felt unsafe and unprotected so my way of protecting myself was to keep to myself. now i'm at a point where i want to undo, or maybe a better way to put it is, to catch up. i want to catch up on stuff i kept myself from doing. one of the things i feel like i need catching up on is with knowing how to deal with men. there is something that women have, some power (using the term loosely) over men. i have been told that i have it. but i'm not aware of it, don't feel it. and somewhere along the line, if i did have it, i lose it. not sure what that whole process in me is. but i don't like the result of it. i became aware of that missing thing in me one day when i went to see a dance show my niece was participating in. teenage girls expressing themselves through music and dance....it was so beautiful. i sat there and cried. it was like a bucket of cold water hit me, making me aware of something that must have been so obvious but i was oblivious to for so long. i felt like i was in mourning over not having had a time like that for myself. not the type of dance so much but the physical expression that was coming across in their dance. their carefree, confident way of carrying themselves. i mourned for having lost some my carefree innocence so early in life. the way they used their body showed their femenity. their soul, their emotions, it all came through. it all seemed so clear to me at that moment. they were not in hiding like me. they weren't afraid to show their feminity. it made me sad to the point where i cried. it also made me angry that that had been taken away from me. and that it is taken away from so many girls. i was grateful to see that it exists. i'd lost faith in so much. and i was thankful that those girls have the chance to live their life without the fear that was so much a part of my life for so long.
not sure what my question is. just feeling like i need to catch up on lost time. not talking about going crazy with men. but there is a sensuality in me that is not expressed and that i see clearly in other women. i feel like something's missing. it's the everyday kind of "female power" that i don't feel like i have, but probably do, but don't know how to get in touch with or even if i did, what to do with. i feel that it's holding me back somehow.
this may seem kind of vague, i'm not able to express exactly what i feel. but hopefully i have been able to express enough so that someone may identify or understand and offer some insight.
thanks
not sure what my question is. just feeling like i need to catch up on lost time. not talking about going crazy with men. but there is a sensuality in me that is not expressed and that i see clearly in other women. i feel like something's missing. it's the everyday kind of "female power" that i don't feel like i have, but probably do, but don't know how to get in touch with or even if i did, what to do with. i feel that it's holding me back somehow.
this may seem kind of vague, i'm not able to express exactly what i feel. but hopefully i have been able to express enough so that someone may identify or understand and offer some insight.
thanks
)