braveheart
Member
But I am holding on firmly.
My diaries from my university [teacher training] continue to stun me with their clear descriptions of someone [me] so obviously in mental/emotional distress and terrified of it. Like my final year of secondary school diary, the one 2 years later is just as .. revealing. Its so clear.
And I feel so sad.
It was real.
I'm real.
And yet I feel unreal right now, as I reclaim this self I lost in my past, and am living through her internal reality, as well as my present one. Does that make sense? Its a necessary process of filling in the gaps, helping me become more whole. Picking up and repairing the pieces.
But I feel so exhausted. As I emerged back into my compassionate observing self in yesterday's therapy session, after being in the part of me, The Other One, the one who has a love affair with Death and annihilation.... I felt unutterably exhausted. So heavy. So tearful.
Paranoia is resurfacing, and I'm trying my best to contain it and dialogue reality-check inside.
But I have my review for the mental health needs accommodations, at work, next Wednesday. And I'm scared. Scared I'm not good enough.
And they've changed the computer network at work. So I still don't have any internet access at all at work. I probably would, but I would need to call the IT helpdesk and I am wary of that 1) I use work internet sometimes for self-support during breaks. And I'm scared they/'ll know. And watch me.
2) I don't like giving people I don't know my name. I get scared what they'll do with it.
I know I need to bite the bullet as it were and call the IT desk, but it feels so complicated.
There is part of me that just wants to hide under the duvet and sleep. I seem to need so much sleep. There is part of me that just wants to call in sick tomorrow. [its my most stressful venue, and the manager that I don't get on with that well, and who has stigmatised ideas about mental illness, even though she professes not to].
However I know avoidance isn't the way through.
But I feel so strung out...
My diaries from my university [teacher training] continue to stun me with their clear descriptions of someone [me] so obviously in mental/emotional distress and terrified of it. Like my final year of secondary school diary, the one 2 years later is just as .. revealing. Its so clear.
And I feel so sad.
It was real.
I'm real.
And yet I feel unreal right now, as I reclaim this self I lost in my past, and am living through her internal reality, as well as my present one. Does that make sense? Its a necessary process of filling in the gaps, helping me become more whole. Picking up and repairing the pieces.
But I feel so exhausted. As I emerged back into my compassionate observing self in yesterday's therapy session, after being in the part of me, The Other One, the one who has a love affair with Death and annihilation.... I felt unutterably exhausted. So heavy. So tearful.
Paranoia is resurfacing, and I'm trying my best to contain it and dialogue reality-check inside.
But I have my review for the mental health needs accommodations, at work, next Wednesday. And I'm scared. Scared I'm not good enough.
And they've changed the computer network at work. So I still don't have any internet access at all at work. I probably would, but I would need to call the IT helpdesk and I am wary of that 1) I use work internet sometimes for self-support during breaks. And I'm scared they/'ll know. And watch me.
2) I don't like giving people I don't know my name. I get scared what they'll do with it.
I know I need to bite the bullet as it were and call the IT desk, but it feels so complicated.
There is part of me that just wants to hide under the duvet and sleep. I seem to need so much sleep. There is part of me that just wants to call in sick tomorrow. [its my most stressful venue, and the manager that I don't get on with that well, and who has stigmatised ideas about mental illness, even though she professes not to].
However I know avoidance isn't the way through.
But I feel so strung out...