Hanging on the edge again

[braveheart]

But I am holding on firmly.

My diaries from my university [teacher training] continue to stun me with their clear descriptions of someone [me] so obviously in mental/emotional distress and terrified of it. Like my final year of secondary school diary, the one 2 years later is just as .. revealing. Its so clear.

And I feel so sad.

It was real.

I'm real.

And yet I feel unreal right now, as I reclaim this self I lost in my past, and am living through her internal reality, as well as my present one. Does that make sense? Its a necessary process of filling in the gaps, helping me become more whole. Picking up and repairing the pieces.

But I feel so exhausted. As I emerged back into my compassionate observing self in yesterday's therapy session, after being in the part of me, The Other One, the one who has a love affair with Death and annihilation.... I felt unutterably exhausted. So heavy. So tearful.

Paranoia is resurfacing, and I'm trying my best to contain it and dialogue reality-check inside.
But I have my review for the mental health needs accommodations, at work, next Wednesday. And I'm scared. Scared I'm not good enough.
And they've changed the computer network at work. So I still don't have any internet access at all at work. I probably would, but I would need to call the IT helpdesk and I am wary of that 1) I use work internet sometimes for self-support during breaks. And I'm scared they/'ll know. And watch me.
2) I don't like giving people I don't know my name. I get scared what they'll do with it.
I know I need to bite the bullet as it were and call the IT desk, but it feels so complicated.

There is part of me that just wants to hide under the duvet and sleep. I seem to need so much sleep. There is part of me that just wants to call in sick tomorrow. [its my most stressful venue, and the manager that I don't get on with that well, and who has stigmatised ideas about mental illness, even though she professes not to].
However I know avoidance isn't the way through.

But I feel so strung out...

 

[Into The Light]

reading your diaries must be confronting at times. you are very courageous to be working through it. i am glad you have a written record of what happened to you at the time. it's proof, evidence, that what you think happened really did. a while back you said you wanted validation, something official about your diagnosis (if i remember correctly). has reading your diaries helped you with that aspect?

it's hard finding yourself again. we do get lost in all the pain and lose part of ourselves. i am glad you are working on finding that part again, becoming whole.

But I have my review for the mental health needs accommodations, at work, next Wednesday. And I'm scared. Scared I'm not good enough.

what do you mean by this? what is it that you would not be good enough for?

with regards to the it helpdesk, if you bite the bullet and get it over with, will you feel any better? will you be able to not worry once it's over with?

i hope you can manage your anxiety a bit and that writing here helps.

 

[braveheart]

thanks lb. thank you for caring.

yes, my diaries are confronting. they are helping me make connections, where I thought there were gaps of nothingness, pure pain and rejection in my life, I find there was someone there - me... and there was some caring, some friendship.
acrosss the top of one page on a particularly difficult teaching practice, where my tutor had expressed concern, told me that I had some defects in my personality, and that I didn't get on with people, I have written I HATE MYSELF. I was 20, and I hated myself then. So vehemently, so clearly, so agonisingly.
regarding the diagnosis, hmm. yes, I had been thinking also along those lines. depressed and anxious with extreme social anxiety, and definitely PTSD, because I was dreaming almost every night about the bullies or the 2 burglaries that happened when I was 16 in some form or another. and fear of repetition. I thought everyone hated me, tutors mainly, and was desperate for care and attention, but would resolutely push it away when it came, thinking of myself as undeserving. 'didn't I have to be strong?'

Not good enough for the managers, not good enough for the customers. sometimes my customer service is excellent. but at other times I just don't have the energy or motivation or self esteem to care enough.

Sorting the IT thing will probably feel more comfortable once I have had the review and know more where I am, currently I work in 4 separate locations - 3 libraries and the stock office.
I have ambivalent feelings about being in less places. more chances of my being scruntinised and found lacking. like I was in my teaching career.
I know things are different now. but there's part of me that feels like I fail everything I touch. I graduated with a 2:1 degree in teaching and english, but because my teaching practice was.. I guess... 'borderline' and my supervising teacher on my final teaching practice was keen for me to fail, would have failed me, but my tutor was clear to reassure me that that wasn't going to happen [sometimes I wish that it had... I might have saved myself a whole lot of heartache, been able to change degrees or something....] I still feel I haven't really graduated...

yes, it does help to post here, helps me clarify things in my head, and make it a little easier to contain it.

 

[braveheart]

Thanks to those who are listening.

I actually had a very good day at work today.

 

[ThatLady]

That's good news, Braveheart! Can you figure out why this day might have been better than other days? Was there something specific that you can identify?

 

[sister-ray]

braveheart im glad you had a better day, i am reading your posts and blogs just a bit short on words myself at the moment:hug: :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

i am glad you had a good day. those are always a welcome change.

 

[braveheart]

Thanks.

I think it was because I was aware that I had been on the edge, and didn't want to stay in That Place. Also that I am opening up the truths of the different layers of reality in my mind and past, and that is healthy and real, so long as I keep the observing part of me present and conscious and intact. Its a constant balancing act, as it were.

 

[ThatLady]

Yes, Braveheart, it is a constant balancing act. However, the more you work at it the more natural it becomes. I'm really glad you're able to do this. :hug:

 

[momof5]

Hi Brave heart,
I hope you are feelign better. I'm glad to see that you can create an observing type of thought process.

Sometimes we do good and then uncover something else that sets us back a bit. Just keep strong, you'll do well.

 

[braveheart]

Thank you.