Has anyone had experience with a refusal to communicate or whispering?

[LeafsRock]

Hello, everyone ! Has anyone had experience with someone who divides everyone into two groups - those with whom she has " a talking relationship" and those with whom she does not ? My 23 year old niece will refuse to speak to people for weeks, months, even years over minor or imagined slights. If communication is required she will pass a note through a third party written in tiny , difficult to read script with a pencil. She often uses hand signals so that people on her non-talking list will not hear the sound of her voice. When interacting with people she doesn't know she will speak in a barely audible whisper and limit her words so severely that things so wrong because people cannot hear what she said.
Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank-you !

 

[Jazzey]

Re: Has anyone had experience with a refusal to communicate or whispering ?

Welcome to Psychlinks.

As for your question, I've never seen this kind of behaviour from adults...Only small children. But maybe someone else can offer you some suggestions.

 

[LeafsRock]

Re: Has anyone had experience with a refusal to communicate or whispering ?

Thank-you, Jazzey ! This behavior began when she was about 12 years old. She also complains that anyone who is looking even vaguely in her direction is staring at her. People on her 'not talking' list are not allowed to even look at her. No one may say anything even remotely negative about her or that sets off another rage or crying episode.

She creates photo images of herself edited to make herself look like her favourite singer and has dyed to her hair to match her idol's.

If she over hears someone talking on the phone or in another comversation she assumes that they are talking about her. She looks for insults in the most ordinary conversations or events. When she can't find one she will manufacture one. The strange thing is that she is always happy at school. Her teachers love her and say she is a wonderful student, always easy to get along with. She has 4 or 5 close girl friends. They are all subject to being placed on the 'no talking list' at any time for weeks or months on end. One of her friends confided in me one day that my niece has to be in control of everything all the time. She is definitely in charge of the group. My niece is a very aggressive driver. Even when she walks she will try to take up the whole space so that other people have to move to the side to get out of her way. This is very sad for me because she was such a sweet little girl - years ago.

 

[Jazzey]

Leaf, has she ever seen any professional - for therapy? And again, maybe someone else here has seen this in their life. I haven't. I too would find it disturbing.

Your niece can't possibly be a happy person to live this either.

Also, just so that you know, this site doesn't offer online diagnoses - for obvious reasons. I think the best thing for your niece would be to go and see a psychologist or other mental health professional...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I agree with Jazzey. I won't offer a diagnosis either but some of the behaviors you describe are potentially worrisome. Of course, she may simply be very self-centered and feel a need for control over everyone around her...

Does your sister/brother (i.e., her parents) share your concerns?

 

[LeafsRock]

Thanks, Jazzey and David ! When my brother and his wife divorced their children - then 10 and 12 , went to court ordered counselling in Vancouver as part of the custody determination. My niece is a great game player and was soon able to manipulate the process. She learned what to say and how to say it. She was determined to live with my brother and that's what happened. As you could predict , she is very jealous of my brother's attention and tries to control his time.

She is very talented and even creates her own complicated board games with her own rules - naturally she always 'wins'.

Several years later my brother tried to get her into counselling or family therapy and she refused. In college she took some psych classes and announced that she was going to be a family therapist. The next year she abruptly quit the classes mid-semester with no explanation.

She has problems with chronic back pain. A couple of years ago I gave my brother an article from WebMD about the connection between stress and back pain with some simple suggestions for relaxing back muscles to reduce pain. I thought it might help her. She went into a rage and accused me of saying that she was mentally ill. She hasn't spoken to me since.

Have you ever seen anything like the whispering and not talking in an adult ?


Thanks to both of you for taking the time to reply.

 

[Jazzey]

I'm not in the mental health field Leaf. My only concern for this situation is that she may be recalcitrant to seek help for herself. And really, at 23 years old, it would be difficult to convince her.

Does her Dad have any real ability to convince her? And no, to answer your question, I've never seen this behaviour in adults. But again, I'm not a mental health professional.

I do appreciate you're trying to help her though Leaf. That speaks volumes about you. And I hope I'm wrong, but she's at an age where I can't see her being compelled to seek that help unless she's a danger to herself or others...Or, if her University requires her to seek help...That's another situation I've seen.

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: LeafsRock. Just wanted to :welcome: you to Psychlinks.

 

[Trust]

Hi LeafsRock!

I have read everything you wrote here about your niece and I am wondering if her behaviour is directly related to her parents divorce and events around that time? You mentioned the ages of your brother's children at the time of the divorce were 10 and 12 and you mentioned your niece's problems starting around age 12.

As well, I am wondering about your feelings about your niece being, as you describe, determined to live with your brother and that you see her as very jealous of your brother's attention and think she tries to control his time. Do you know this information from personal observation or by your brother's account of his daughter's behaviours? IMO, I think a lot of 12 year old girls may feel this way about their Dad's when their parents get divorced, and some may retain a heightened sensitivity and possessiveness about one or both parents.

I agree with Jazzey, unless your niece believes she has some problems that may be eased through therapy, she is unlikely to view your advice or even her own father's help as anything but intrusive. When she feels consequences for her behaviours perhaps she will be motivated to change. If people indulge her by accepting that they must walk on egg shells to prevent upsetting her or causing her to rage, then IMO, she will only become further convinced that her approach is working and feeding her desire to feel in control and/or seek a certain kind of attention.

Does your brother and his ex-wife have the same level of worry about their daughter as you have expressed? Could your niece think that your expressed concern for her feels like an invasion of her privacy? I have several family members that I find intrusive at times and although they may be well-meaning, I find their focus on me and my life, and my mother's illness and behaviour to be inappropriate, especially since I am a very private person and I have not, nor has my mother ever asked for their involvement, and in fact I have asked for respect for my need for space. I avoid conversations with these people at times because their concern does not help, it sometimes makes matters worse, and I view it as annoying. I'm not saying that is what is happening with you and your brother and his daughter, but it may be something to consider.

In any case, as you can tell, I am not a mental health pro - these are just some of the things that your post made me think about and I hope that your niece will come to terms with whatever issues may be causing her, and possibly others, distress.

Perhaps you could very privately mention your concerns to your brother, (if you and he have that type of relationship where he will not resent your interest in his daughter and her problems), and ask him to keep your conversation confidential. If after discussing your concerns with him, he decides to approach his daughter to have a discussion, IMO, the outcome of that conversation should remain solely between he and his daughter, as well. Maybe I am completely off-base, but I sense that perhaps the niece has some trust issues, and if so, she would need to be able to completely trust the person making any suggestions and know that her privacy will be honoured.

I could be projecting - and if I am I'm sorry!:haddock:

Have a great evening, LeafsRock!

 

[LeafsRock]

Thanks, NikNak , for the welcome. Trust - Thank-you for taking the time to reply with such caring. My niece has no communication with her mother who is on her non-talking relationship list. You are very perceptive about my niece's relationship with her father. She is very jealous of anyone with whom he spends time - male or female. Because I recognize a minefield when I see one, I have never attempted to give her any advice. Her father, my brother asks me for advice. He is concerned about her increasing withdrawal.

David - Would it be possible for you to point out which of her behaviors you see as potentially worrisome ? I really do not think that she is a danger to herself or anyone else - except that she makes everyone miserable. Are there any general signposts that we should be alert to ?

Going in a different direction - is there a book or a film that might speak to her ? It's amazing how sometimes seeing a character in a film can make a difference in someone's life.

Thanks, everyone for your kindness !

 

[David Baxter PhD]

David - Would it be possible for you to point out which of her behaviors you see as potentially worrisome ? I really do not think that she is a danger to herself or anyone else - except that she makes everyone miserable. Are there any general signposts that we should be alert to ?

The hint of paranoid thinking... I don't mean to create alarm but there are definitely behavior problems and throw that into the mix and...

 

[LeafsRock]

Thanks, David. Things haven't changed very much in the last couple of years, neither improving nor deteriorating. I am hopeful that any change will be in a positive direction. If anyone has any suggestions about books that her father or I shoudl read , I would be grateful. Thanks to everyone for your kindness.