Having trouble opening up....

Hi,
It's just me...I'm kinda having a problem in therapy right now...I'm having alot of trouble opening up when it comes to hard issues...things like my dad's death, my step dad and certain events in my past when ever they come up or my therapist asks about them I just look at him and say I don't want to talk about that...my therapist thinks that these are some of my core issues...I don't know why I can't open up...I mean I like my therapist and I feel safe talking to him...it's just that I'm afraid of two things with certain issues...1)these issues are so painful for me...they make my heart hurt when I talk about them....2)these issues make me cry when I talk about them, and I don't cry...right after my dad's funeral my mom told me "no more tears" about my dad's death and as hard as it is for me not to cry I feel like I can't or I will be letting my dad and mom down...my therapist tells me that it's ok to cry and that it won't be the end of the world if I cry but I feel like it will be...I would be so embarressed....I don't know...I feel like if I can't open up we are going to hit a road block really fast here...and progress is going to stop really quickly...therapy is just so hard...thanks for reading...
 

Halo

Member
Kels,

Wow, I have to say reading your post was like reading a letter that I just sent to my psych recently. I can relate to so much of it, I like him, I feel safe, but I can't cry (won't let myself), I just nod at him and don't know what to say. I feel stuck. Again wow, it was like reading my thoughts on a page without having to write a single word.

As I am pretty much in the same situation I obviously don't have any great wisdom or answers but I will be interested to read others responses. Thank you Kels for opening up on here and posting because not only are you helping yourself but me as well. You are not the only one feeling this way and are definitely not alone :hug:
 

ThatLady

Member
I've always kinda figured that if we weren't supposed to cry, we wouldn't have the mechanisms to do so. Crying is a good thing. It releases emotion that, otherwise, lies bottled up inside and causes us problems.

I can understand what your mother said, but I don't think she meant that you should NEVER cry about your dad's death. I think she was just trying to put the pain of loss behind all of you. While that's a wonderful thought, grief doesn't work that way, unfortunately. Just because you force yourself not to cry doesn't mean you can force yourself not to feel the loss. That's just not possible. All you're really doing is covering up your feelings. Doing that just allows the grief to fester. It needs to be released in order to be processed and placed in it's proper setting - the past.

It's never easy to cry in front of others. I can certainly understand how you feel. I think we all feel that way. Yet, if you can bring yourself to open up the feelings will be out in the open and it will be easier to work through them. Once you've done it, you realize how helpful it is in getting you where you really want to be. :hug:
 
hi kelsey, i can relate to what you are feeling. it's really hard to keep those tears in or try to keep them at bay. they just become stuck inside of you. but you know, they don't have to be in there forever. when you are ready for them, you will be able to let them out. and it will be ok. it's ok to miss your dad, it's ok to cry for him, for yourself, for all the things you wish were different, for all the things you now cannot share with him... maybe your mom did not want to see your tears because the reality of losing your dad would be all too much for her.

i've worried a lot about being stuck and not getting anywhere in therapy, but i don't think you'll be at a standstill. you can discuss your troubles opening up with your therapist. you can explore those, and he can help you past your concerns. this just might not be a roadblock, but a speed bump instead.

:hug:
 
I'm sorry you're hurting so much. :( I have, at times, not cried and I am a crying person. I cry too much probably, but when I didn't/couldn't cry I think the tears and pain came out in other ways, self-destructive ways. It IS ok to cry. I hope you can one day get to that point, if that will help you and I think it will. Nothing bad will happen because you cry. :hug:
 
Ok so I see my therapist on Friday and I really need to open up with him...I'm going to try as hard as I can not to "shut-down" but it's going to be a challenge...also if I feel tears coming to my eyes i'm going to try...try to let myself cry...we'll see how it goes...I'll let you know...
 
this is good you're going to try. take it as it goes. don't expect too much of yourself. one moment at a time :)
 

Halo

Member
Kels I just wanted to wish you good luck on Friday and know that we are behind you all the way....I know that it is hard to open up, not to shut down and to show the tears when they are right there ready to come out but in time I know that you will be able to do it. Trying is all you can do and if you are willing and open to that....you can't ask anything more of yourself.

Take care and let us know how it goes.
:hug:
 
So...I had therapy yesterday and here's how it went...I was ok at not shutting down...none of the topics I didn't want to open up about came up so I can't completely say that I didn't avoid issues...I was able to be pretty open about my cutting, which has been a major problem lately. So all in all it went ok...I will keep you all updated about how thing progress...thanks for all the advice...it is much appreciated.
 
glad to hear you were able to talk about the cutting. that must have been very difficult to be open about. well done :hug:
 

ThatLady

Member
So...I had therapy yesterday and here's how it went...I was ok at not shutting down...none of the topics I didn't want to open up about came up so I can't completely say that I didn't avoid issues...I was able to be pretty open about my cutting, which has been a major problem lately. So all in all it went ok...I will keep you all updated about how thing progress...thanks for all the advice...it is much appreciated.

That's really great news, kelsey! It's not a good idea, I don't think, to try to tackle all our ugly demons at once, so you're really doing some awesome work! :yahoo:
 
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pocono

Member
Kelsey

I have had all kind of rationalizations for why I don't/won't cry with my therapist or with anyone. The biggest rationalization I've used over the years is that crying can't solve the problem -- can't change what happened when I was a child; can't bring my Grandmother back, etc. "I'm a practical person"....I would say to myself...."I'm not going to waste my time shedding tears; I'm going to take action instead" (never mind that the action was often less action and more "acting out").

What it really comes down to, for me, I believe, is that crying just hurts so much. Crying involves giving in to the grief, abandoning reason and rational thinking and just giving over to pure emotion -- in this case anger, saddness, isolation, desolation -- utter powerlessness and aloneness. I have feared that I would not be able to stop the tears, that the grief would overwhelm me and conquer me.

So far, that has not been the case for me in therapy. I have cried. And, frankly, it has been awful. It isn't necessarily some great cathartic event where when I'm done I suddenly felt better. Lot's of time, I feel worse -- in the short run. However, I do believe that over the past two years, letting some tears out has begun to move me in the direction of healing. I have lots more to do, and I still avoid and hate it. I'm just not quite so scared to death of crying now that I know I can, in fact, stop and regain some control of my life. The anger, saddness, grief....as powerful as they are -- have not completely beaten me. I can somehow stand to feel them and still live. More than that, I can live and also still feel love, hope, joy....etc.

I wonder if you speaking with your therapist about the cutting was just another way for you to share with your therapist the depths of your pain and anguish? Do you think the cutting might, in some way, be a substitute for tears (the way my "acting out" was, in part, that)?

I agree with Ladybug that you should try to rest assured that you will continue to progress in therapy as long as you keep talking and connecting with your therapist. There is no time-table that says "by month three, tears must be shed!". I have been very impatient with myself in therapy. I'm learning that hard things take time. Sometimes more time that you might think is reasonable. Just keep talking and relating and trying to stay in touch with how you are feeling. Healing will come, I believe. For all of us.

I wish you the very best.
 

Halo

Member
Congrats Kels on having a good session on Friday and opening up about the cutting. I am proud of you for doing that although I am I am sure that it was hard.

Good Job :goodjob:
Take Care
:hug:
 

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