Hello

[Sparrow]

Hello Queen Mary,

Lights.. Frustrations... Do not despair.

It can be a tangled web that some of us....

...Trust me on this, you are not alone.

 

[QueenMary48]

somedays I feel like I cant breath. Panic overtakes me. I want to see the clouds go away I truly do but it hurts so much.

 

[Jazzey]

:support:
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I'm sorry Mary....wish you weren't hurting.

 

[Mari]

Just prior to reading your post QueenMary I had copied this out.

'Begin at the beginning,' the King said, very gravely, 'and go on till you come to the end: then stop.' Lewis Carroll

And of course I can not do it because I feel like your tangled ball of Christmas lights. Maybe back to the holiday reminder post if I can find it. :heart: Mari

 

[QueenMary48]

who are you people where did you come from. Where were you when I needed someone to ask me truly how I was. For so long I have locked away all my pain and now I am a flood gate opened and your support is amazing. I wish I new you existed before it became this big, but just knowing your here ... thank you

 

[Mari]

How to take advantage of the holidays and stave off stress, anxiety, and depression - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

This link might be helpful and I too wish I knew about this forum a few years ago but thinking about that is not, not a good thing for me to do. :heart: Mari

 

[amastie]

Dear QueenMary,

you are so much in touch with overwhelming pain while I deny mine in many ways, and it doesn’t feel better to have done that, because to push the feelings away is to create a different kind of pain. I've just re-read all this thread, your feeling, your overwhelming pain and despair, as well as the huge-hearted responses of others here. Your words touch me deeply. I am moved to tears for you and wanted to say a number of things to you.

. your experience of not feeling deserving to be heard, or being afraid to be judged, is extremely common and I share it. I feel it, and yours.

. the truth is that we *all* deserve to be heard and *not* to be judged. We all deserve kindness and support unconditionally. *You* deserve it unconditionally.

. if things are left unsaid by you, first be gentle enough to say "I'm not ready and it’s ok.". There have a few times in my life when the pressure to speak about something has arrived, finally, in a kind of eruption. Each time it has occurred, I had the need to express the words in writing before I could do so in words. That gave me the chance to see what the words looked like when they were out of me. Expressed in that way, I’ve found that, while they were hugely significant, they weren’t devastating, and later it felt right to forward them on to the person I needed most to tell.

. journaling often provides an enormously important link to a place beyond the pain.

. I'm very glad that you have here to come to. I found myself hearing some of my own words for the first time when I wrote them in a forum here.

I surround you in warmth and Light,

For now,

amastie

 

[NicNak]

QueenMary, medication does help a lot. Medication just seems to take the edge off. It is hard to come to terms with medication, but truthfully I can't imagine trying to cope without it.


Amastie says it all,

your experience of not feeling deserving to be heard, or being afraid to be judged, is extremely common and I share it. I feel it, and yours.

. the truth is that we *all* deserve to be heard and *not* to be judged. We all deserve kindness and support unconditionally. *You* deserve it unconditionally.

No one here has judged me. We are all going through very simular things and facing the same adversity from people who don't understand. Feel free to say anything, honestly. I have posted and wondered "What are people going to think" and I have got kindness, caring and compassion all around.

Please don't be afraid to say how you feel. I there is anything you want to talk about, I am here for you too.

:support:
===============
Just to add.

When I started taking Clonasipam for the panic attacks, I was so afraid. I thought that people would see I was "on something" and that I would be buzzing or high from it.

It was so not like that. One day I started getting my anxiety symptoms and I took the Clonasipam. About 3 minutes later I sighed and thought "Wow, the symptoms are gone". I didn't have a dopey, buzzed or even slightly weird sensations from the meds. Just a levelness. I wouldn't even have said it was a calming, it was just a level, "normal" feeling.

I hope you consider them. I know how hard it is to trust when it comes to taking medications. I have always been reluctant and nervous about taking them, but they are so helpful.

 

[amastie]

...One day I started getting my anxiety symptoms and I took the Clonasipam. About 3 minutes later I sighed and thought "Wow, the symptoms are gone". I didn't have a dopey, buzzed or even slightly weird sensations from the meds. Just a levelness. I wouldn't even have said it was a calming, it was just a level, "normal" feeling....

:happy:

Wonderful, isn't it! I've always tried for just that effect. Different med but similar. I always try to aim for a dose that leaves me not really aware of having taken a med except that, instead of feeling terrible, I feel "normal". There's nothing like it

amastie

 

[QueenMary48]

Thank you so much. I know that there are times where I need to stand up and say what I am feeling but I am so afraid. Christmas is coming I struggle with that each year and I want to tell my family no this is not a time to celebrate for so many reasons but with that comes all the guilt of hurting my family. It truly is a difficult time right know I am numb and find that being still being without stress, being without anything that is overwhelming is all that I can handle. As soon as I start to think about speaking up as soon as I start to think about shopping or projects it is like being on the edge of a cliff I start to panic and I cry and I just need to be still. Maybe this is not the right way but it is all I can do it is all I can handle. I guess I am not ready I feel weak and I feel sad and I know that meds are an option but I just dont think I can do that. Its hard to explain. So right now I will just be and I know I can come here and I know I have my friend who is trying to help me also .

I realize how selfish I have been, you all have your struggles you are all going through things and I just want to say how much I hope you find the safe and beautiful place you all need to find. This is a good place full of kind and gentle people. Please be well my heart goes out to you all.

Thank you.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Mary - hope you're feeling a little better today. There's a lot of warmth here and I think people really want to reach out to you.....When you're ready....
===============
Mary - you're not being selfish. You're just caught in the abyss - FOR NOW. It won't last Mary. I've been there very recently - trust me. I won't pretend to really understand all of everyone's problems - I can't unless I've lived them. But, I will tell you this - from someone who's always been opposed to medications...I'm now opened to it. Enough of living a life that is shut down, where I feel numb and, where I'm constantly feeling guilty for not being a "good family member". Enough of feeling as though I want to go on top of a mountain and just SCREAM.

Take good care of yourself - when you're ready Mary - please come back...:support:

 

[amastie]

...I know that meds are an option but I just dont think I can do that....

That's ok! Be wherever you need to be. Do whatever you can best to find peace, strength and comfort at this time :support:

..I realize how selfish I have been...

You're not at *all* selfish! We all are here to share. That's what a forum such as this is about.

For now,

amastie

 

[QueenMary48]

Can you help me, I truly need advice. I know that people tell me I am at a good place as strange as that sounds. I am processing. I wonder sometimes why I ever asked for help. I never cried so much before, I never felt this ache, I go over and over in my head what is happening when will the sun shine again, and it hurts and I cry alone and honestly I am afraid. But I wonder do I just wait will I wake up someday and I will feel better or do I keep asking for help. When I talk I feel as though I am repeating everything I said before, even my journalling has changed abit. I feel like this is all just suppose to go away and I dont know do I still need to talk to someone. I cant see the light, I just cant.

Do I feel different only that there was so much more to my problems then I realized, do I hurt and ache my god I do. Right know I feel empty motionless, I seem so affected by the littlest things. I need to christmas shop but am afraid and without evening realizing it I am numb and blank. Its like I am shut down. Does that make sense. I stand in my kitchen and I want to lie down. I have responsibilties but struggle with just wanting to sleep. I just dont know what to do I dont know am I suppose to keep talking or am I supose to wait. Please help me understand.

Queenmary

 

[NicNak]

:hug: I don't know what to suggest, but we are all here to support you.

 

[Jazzey]

Its like I am shut down.

Yes, unfortunately, it does make sense. I'm sorry you're hurting Mary but, I'm happy to see you again.

What do you do? Well, are you seeing a therapist of any kind? That's what has helped me in recent times. As for being shut down, disconnected - almost a feeling of floating around and not really there in the real world - we get better, with time, at reconnecting. But, it does take time.

I'll give you a few things that I do to reconnect - I'm a music fan. Jazz - when I feel myself really floating, I put a bit of music on and give myself some time to soak up the music (in particular the lyrics). I lie flat on my back on the floor, and feel the floor (coolness) with the palm of my hand. I go for a walk in the fresh air and listen to the sounds around me. These all help to ease some of the disconnect. But, it really is baby steps Mary...

As for the aches - I know these too. It's ok Mary - it doesn't feel good but, it's all part of the work you're going to have to do. You have to reconnect to your emotional part. In the meantime, lean on others - us, here at psychlinks, and anyone around you that makes you feel safe.

I'm sorry Mary - I wish I could give you a much simpler answer. Something that would suggest that it was going to be easy - it isn't.

BUT, and yes, there's a big "BUT" - the work is worth it. While the process is hard, the rewards are immeasurable....

Nice to see you again Mary. Only positive vibes of support your way! and safe :hug:

 

[QueenMary48]

I am kind of seeing someone. I have a friend who is a psychologist and over the last few years we have become friends. When he when through stuff I was always there to listen. There was an honest connection, there was trust and over time we talked a bit here and there, I hinted at needing to talk but never pushed it and he always always listened and supported. One day I approached him about a strange dream and he understand and he shared its meaning and suddenly it was like I couldnt hold it in anymore I asked him for help I asked him if I could talk and he said yes and every week he put aside an hour or half and it was my time to talk and he suggested I journal and it was so hard and he was so supportive and he gave me advice and I would go away and write more. But I know he is a busy man this is his job and now feel like I need to keep talking but I feel like this is the point where I am suppose to just wait. We dont have the hour meetings anymore and I miss them but I dont feel like I have a right to ask, he is a friend. But the thought of seeking help elsewhere is more than I can handle. It took me 4 years to one day ask for help and several years before that of all of this building up. I know I cant I know that I am not strong enough. I did ask him the other day if I could still share my journal with him and he said absolutely. I know I didnt do this right I know I should have gone and found someone who wasnt a friend but I know I needed to truly trust this person before I could open up.

thank you for your advice

 

[Jazzey]

he suggested I journal

This is a great start Mary. It does help. I find, for me, that it helps to keep a log of my thoughts, my feelings and yes, at times, even my dreams. They help me sort out some of the feelings I have during the day.

I feel like this is the point where I am suppose to just wait.

I'm not sure I understand what you're waiting for? It sounds to me as if you're in pain.

I know I didnt do this right I know I should have gone and found someone who wasnt a friend but I know I needed to truly trust this person before I could open up.

When we are where you are- we go wherever we can to be heard. I'm certain that your friend was touched that you came to him and relied on him for insight.

But now, if you no longer feel that you can lean on him, I think you need to find another psychologist to lean on. And maybe, if it's someone you don't know, that person can really help you sort out your feelings. Sometimes, when we rely on our friends, the objectivity gets a little lost - too many feelings. I know that for me, it was really important that I find someone that was completely objective.

I hope this helps Mary -I'll be around if you need a sounding board...

 

[QueenMary48]

Thank you. I dont know if I can but I will think about it. with the season here and this being a time of year I find so difficult for know I will wait.

I guess maybe I am still not getting the bit picture. In my head the way I see it or understand it is that I have these things that made me the way I am and now I am trying to understand and make sense and move on. The waiting is for the pain to go away. To feel good again to smile and not feel sad all of the time. Maybe I think to much about it. I just get so confused and then I worry that I will never feel happy. I guess this is the processing part. My head hurts somedays for thinking so much about this. I am just so tired.

Thank you for your support thank you for listening. This is all so new and I am overwhelmed. Thank you.

 

[Jazzey]

You're quite welcome Mary - I do know where you are. Everything you describe resonates in me.

"still not getting the big picture" - I get that too. I think this too only comes with a little work Mary.

It's ok to move on - provided that you don't move completely past it. I think, and it's just because I relate to what you're saying on some level, that you are hoping that the pain and the emotions go away - because then it would mean that you're exaggerating. This would mean that it will go away of its own volition.

I wish I could tell you that this were so. But, gauging from some of the things you've said in your posts, I think you'll have to lean on someone. I know it's hard Mary. And, if what you need right now, because of the season, is to forget about it for a few weeks - ok. But, I'll hope that you'll come back here and that, when you're ready, you'll really give some consideration about seeing someone to talk about all of these emotions.

I would love to see you here again in a little while, sharing with us, how you've ridden yourself of some of the weight - that you're slowly reconnecting....

Thanks so much for sharing with me Mary - it's comforting to have someone to relate to even though I really wish you weren't going through this right now...

You're in my thoughts.

 

[Into The Light]

mary, i am so sorry for all that you are going through. i am really glad you were able to talk to your friend and that he was there for you. i do understand though that because you are friends that puts limitations on his ability to help you.

i think, if right now what you need is a break until the holidays are over, it is perfectly fine to take that break. i've been in therapy for a while and i find that when i go away on holidays knowing that there is nothing i can really process or work on with the help of my therapist that i am able to put everything aside for a short while. in a way at first it was hard, but now it's actually a breather from things and allows me to forget about all the problems and to relax and have some positive experiences for a bit. that in itself helps me recharge and get ready to go back to dealing with things.

the other thing i wanted to say is that finding a professional to talk to doesn't mean you can no longer talk to your friend. it's not one or the other. you are very lucky to have your friend who is there for you and who understands what you are going through, that's wonderful, and to have that in combination with a professional with whom you will build up a relationship of trust as well i know you will be able to work through your pain. the more support you have in your life, the better!

i can understand the worry of having to talk to a stranger about your issues but i've found that this is how it works: you meet the therapist, and you spend the first few sessions getting to know each other a little bit. over time, if there's a good fit, the trust will build and you will feel able to share a little more about your thoughts and feelings and where you are at. as you share more the trust will increase and you will know this person is safe to talk to, is there for you, and is able to help you.

if you meet a therapist and you don't feel good about them, it's perfectly ok to look for someone else. there are personalities at work here, and you need to find someone you feel at the very least some kind of sense of "this person might be helpful to me".

i too am glad you came back to talk to us here, and i hope you will continue to do so. we are here to listen and help as best we can. you don't have to go through this alone, and you don't have to suffer like this forever. the key is to get the help you need, take it slow, and take it a day at a time, and eventually you will see some light again in your life.