How do I tell my son about his biological father?

[kris]

I have been searching for help on this issue. Here is my story. I met an inmate who attended our church who lured me into a manipulative relationship that I could not escape. I ended up marrying him. After 1 month of marriage I became pregnant. I was happy about the pregnancy. The problem is he abandoned my due to his reoffending and I ended up on my own for most of my pregnancy. He was released in time for my child's birth and then was reincarcerated since my son was 5 months old. I have raised him on my own until I met a wonderful someone when my son was 10 months old. Our marriage is great, his relationship with my son is so great noone would know it is not his. Our son is now 5.5 years old and will be starting kindergarten.

I did not want to interfere with his important first 5 years of development and belonging but I do not know how to tell him or when is best?

*His biological father has been incarcerated and has slowly moved through the system to full parole but I know he is still using alcohol because he is an alcoholic. At this time I have victim status to ensure he can not contact me or my family. I need some advice.[/b]

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You indicate that you have "victim status". Does this mean a restraining order (non-contact order against him)?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

This doesn't sound like a person who would be in any way a healthy addition to your son's life. Unless there is a significant likelihood of contact with his father, I would be inclined not to burden him with any information about him until he asks for it.

 

[ThatLady]

I heartily agree with Dr. Baxter. Unless the child asks for information, don't volunteer it. When children are ready to hear things, they tend to begin to bring them up. There's no reason to complicate the little guy's life with a feckless biological father at this point in his development. If the subject comes up when he's in his mid-to-late teens, that might be a better time to discuss it. From the sounds of it, the man you're married to now is this little boy's daddy, and that's all he needs...a father who loves and cares for him and a mother who does the same. )

 

[kris]

The vicitim status I have protects me, my husband and my family from any direct or indirect contact with my ex. It does not protect my child. The court has granted him visitation rights that have not been acted on and I will fight to my last breath.

I do not wish for my son to ever have contact with his biological father, I do not want him to know the horrible intimate details of his actions either.

I am concerned about his emotional development, that it could be shaken badly if he is not told about his biological father until a much older age. The preteen and teen years have enough issues of their own.

What age is best to tell a child?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I understand your concerns and I'm not certain you should hold off indefintely to tell him, but what's the rush? He's not yet 6 years old and it's not like this is going to be good news for him.

 

[kris]

Thank you for your advice. It just seems like there is the inevitable dark cloud following me in the back of my mind.

I appreciate all of your perspectives.