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MommaK

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My problem is this.... my seven year old son is really intelligent and at the same time really sensitive. I ran into his biological father the other day who started some story with me about how he was never given a chance to be a father, yada yada yada. Truth be told, he was begged to be there for his son, but it was an all or nothing thing- it was either I get back with him (it was a very unhealthy relationship and he was the one who left) or he didn't want anything to do with his son, who I was pregnant with at the time. He chose to stay away. Now he is claiming things were different than they really were, and the man my son knows as his father is my husband. For the first year I sent pictures and updates in the hopes that his bio father would change, but you can only lead the horse to water, right? My concern is that my son's bio dad will try to come back into the picture (though right now he has agreed to stick with what he chose) and I am not sure when is the right time to tell him. One one hand I feel like it is something I should speak with my son about, but at the same time he is 7 and should be doing the things that other 7 year olds do, not worrying about this. Any advice or info on where to get more educated on this? I know every kid/ situation is different, but even some general info would be great. Thanks.
 

MommaK

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Jun 20, 2005
Messages
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1
My problem is this.... my seven year old son is really intelligent and at the same time really sensitive. I ran into his biological father the other day who started some story with me about how he was never given a chance to be a father, yada yada yada. Truth be told, he was begged to be there for his son, but it was an all or nothing thing- it was either I get back with him (it was a very unhealthy relationship and he was the one who left) or he didn't want anything to do with his son, who I was pregnant with at the time. He chose to stay away. Now he is claiming things were different than they really were, and the man my son knows as his father is my husband. For the first year I sent pictures and updates in the hopes that his bio father would change, but you can only lead the horse to water, right? My concern is that my son's bio dad will try to come back into the picture (though right now he has agreed to stick with what he chose) and I am not sure when is the right time to tell him. One one hand I feel like it is something I should speak with my son about, but at the same time he is 7 and should be doing the things that other 7 year olds do, not worrying about this. Any advice or info on where to get more educated on this? I know every kid/ situation is different, but even some general info would be great. Thanks.
 

ThatLady

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Can you clarify something for me, MommaK? Is your son aware that your current husband is not his biological father? I get the feeling from your post that he doesn't know.
 

ThatLady

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Can you clarify something for me, MommaK? Is your son aware that your current husband is not his biological father? I get the feeling from your post that he doesn't know.
 

MommaK

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No he doesn't, and that is my dilema. His "father" hasn't been around since the dayhe was born. He said he wanted nothing to do with the baby and walked out so I assumed I was in a position to raise him with a daddy and tell him when the time was right. I tried to do what was right for him, but now it is backfiring.
 

MommaK

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No he doesn't, and that is my dilema. His "father" hasn't been around since the dayhe was born. He said he wanted nothing to do with the baby and walked out so I assumed I was in a position to raise him with a daddy and tell him when the time was right. I tried to do what was right for him, but now it is backfiring.
 

HA

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MommaK,

What a tough situation for you. At least for the time being biodad has agreed to leave well enough alone. I don't know what the best time frame for talking to kids about this kind of issue would be. I tried to do a search and did not come up with much. What a lucky little guy to have a dad like your husband!

Hopefully Dr. Baxter will catch up with your post.
 

HA

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MommaK,

What a tough situation for you. At least for the time being biodad has agreed to leave well enough alone. I don't know what the best time frame for talking to kids about this kind of issue would be. I tried to do a search and did not come up with much. What a lucky little guy to have a dad like your husband!

Hopefully Dr. Baxter will catch up with your post.
 

David Baxter

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In most cases, I think it's better to tell the child from the beginning something age-appropriate to the effect that his biodad is not with them and that his "father" is his stepdad.

However, that's obviously not helpful in a situation like this one. You know your son best, MommaK -- at some point, you will need to start letting your son know that the man he believes to be his father is actually his stepfather or "adoptive" father -- whether that us best done soon or waiting a while will depend on what else may be going on in your son's life and development currently. What you don't want to have happen is for your son to discover that he has a biodad on his own -- that may create some real problems in his relationship with you if he believes you have been dishonest with him.

I'd suggest it might be helpful for you to consult a child psychologist (I am not a child psychologist) for some advice on how to proceed -- the psychologist might want to meet with your son as well to judge when and how to tell him.
 

David Baxter

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In most cases, I think it's better to tell the child from the beginning something age-appropriate to the effect that his biodad is not with them and that his "father" is his stepdad.

However, that's obviously not helpful in a situation like this one. You know your son best, MommaK -- at some point, you will need to start letting your son know that the man he believes to be his father is actually his stepfather or "adoptive" father -- whether that us best done soon or waiting a while will depend on what else may be going on in your son's life and development currently. What you don't want to have happen is for your son to discover that he has a biodad on his own -- that may create some real problems in his relationship with you if he believes you have been dishonest with him.

I'd suggest it might be helpful for you to consult a child psychologist (I am not a child psychologist) for some advice on how to proceed -- the psychologist might want to meet with your son as well to judge when and how to tell him.
 

MommaK

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Thank you to both of your posts! I felt the right thing to do was speak with a professional because what works for one child may not be best for the next. I really appreciate your advice; it has meant the world to me. I never planned to let it go too long without telling my son, but I never imagined it would even come up at seven years old, considering there is only so much that they can grasp of the situation, regardless of how smart they are. Thanks so much again!
 

MommaK

Member
Joined
Jun 20, 2005
Messages
6
Points
1
Thank you to both of your posts! I felt the right thing to do was speak with a professional because what works for one child may not be best for the next. I really appreciate your advice; it has meant the world to me. I never planned to let it go too long without telling my son, but I never imagined it would even come up at seven years old, considering there is only so much that they can grasp of the situation, regardless of how smart they are. Thanks so much again!
 

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