I hate myself

[Cat Dancer]

I used to wake up every day and think today will be different, better, I'll make good choices. And for a few hours I would, but I always slipped back into old, unhealthy patterns. Always. Now I don't even try anymore. I don't even have the thought of having a better day because I know I'll just mess it up.

I pray that one day this will take me away from the world or some kind of assisted suicide will be made legal for people like me. I am too scared to try to take my own life, but I think about it so much that it takes away any quality of life I could have. I think the mental health community would be better off if they would accept that someone like me is hopeless. And most of that is on me and my not believing that I can get well. That is HUGE. If you think you're hopeless then why waste the time of anyone who could help you? It doesn't make sense. If you think you're hopeless you're most likely not going to even try to do any of the work it would take to get well. Because what is the point? You just end up going around in circles and right back where you started, hopeless and extremely miserable. It's just constant misery. It's not any way to live. And it's almost cruel for some therapist to give me false hope. Not his fault. It totally lies on me.

 

[Banned]

There is always hope if you are willing to do the work and truly want to get better.

But if believe yourself to be hopeless and helpless, and do nothing but dwell on that, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy and definitely will not get better. Therapy is work and implementing the tools learned in therapy is even harder work.

My favourite line from a movie is when the therapist says to the client "You have to do more than just show up."

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thank you. I do believe myself to be hopeless. I don't believe there is any point in therapy for me. I am ok with this. I am ok taking responsibility for failing or not doing the work or whatever. As my therapist says, "Death is inevitable one day anyway and life is meaningless and we are alone in life." I am pretty comfortable with that philosophy. I accept full and total responsibility for my failure and the blame is on no one but me. And it's a freeing realization.

 

[Banned]

That's a really sad conclusion to come to and one you might think you're happy with but it's more than obvious you're not. But until you choose to make drastic changes in your life and until you choose to think differently and until you choose to make different decisions things will be what they are. Only you have the ability to choose otherwise.

 

[Cat Dancer]

With the new therapist I do the homework he gives me. I read the papers he gives me. I do the breathing exercises. I take my medication.

I know I did something wrong in the old therapy. I am not sure what, but I will never know I guess.

I know it is all on me. I don't expect someone else to fix me. I never have expected that. I have always tried really hard to fix all this myself. I am just not sure how. I always think that after the seven years of therapy I had that maybe no one else can really help me figure this out either.

The last therapy really hurt me in the end. I take the blame for that. But it is really scary going back to therapy and trying to get help when you have that fear of being hurt so badly again.

It really is so confusing. I feel like I should be able to fix myself knowing all that i know, knowing that it is my choice to be this way and to do the things I do and think the thoughts I do. And yet I don't or can't or won't or whatever. It seems wrong to seek out support. I am sorry. I can't figure all this out and no one else seems to be able to help me either. I know it is my fault. I know that and that makes it even worse.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just feel SO much worse since I started therapy again. So much more hopeless. So much more depressed. More anxiety. Maybe I just can't deal with therapy. I'm doing all the things we've talked about. I just want to feel like living. And right now I just want to die.

 

[Retired]

Therapy does not eradicate the demons, but rather teaches us ways to deal with them so they have less of an effect on our thinking and emotions.

Maybe for the first time your current therapist is doing a better job at helping you face the demons and through your continuing hard work, and it does require hard work, you might finally find ways to deal with those demons.

Give the process a fair chance...you've only just begun.

 

[Cat Dancer]

But how am I supposed to have faith or trust in therapy or anything after what happened with the last therapist? I know you all may not believe it, but I thought I was working hard with him. I never missed a session. He told me all the time he knew I was doing the best I could. I was honest. This is so confusing. Obviously I don't know how to change my own thinking or myself or I would, but how do I have trust in this process after being so badly hurt? No one really believes in me anyway. No one thinks I can heal. No one thinks I can do this.

I KNOW therapy is hard work. People keep saying this, but I DO know it. I went through seven years of hellish, horrible, what I thought was hard work. I know it's hard. I know it isn't easy or every one would be magically fixed after a couple of sessions.

 

[Retired]

how am I supposed to have faith or trust in therapy or anything after what happened with the last therapist?

Just because you have to. Life is filled with uncertainty, and the best we can do is to pursue and persist with a positive outlook.

Suppose you happened to hit on an incompetent auto mechanic or a bad plumber...would you give up on driving your car or stop using the water faucet? Of course not.

The same applies to a medical practitioner who didn't provide the care you expected....you find another one and carry on.

Working with your therapist should be a partnership, so if you have concerns, you need to express those concerns to him so they can can be resolved.

Has your therapist said or done anything to date to give you concerns?

 

[Cat Dancer]

I do have concerns. I don't have options though. I can't go from therapist to therapist trying to find someone who is a fit. And how is a patient/client supposed to know if a therapist might work out? I thought my other therapist was great and working out well. I was very wrong about that.

 

[Retired]

It sounds like you are using your disappointment with your last therapist to sabotage any chance for success with your new therapist. Continuing with that thinking has the possibility of a self fulfilling prophesy.

I tried to make the point in my previous post that it's not logical to apply the result of a previous experience to a future experience, as long as you use what you learned from the earlier failure to avoid repeating the same mistakes. That's how we make progress.

If you drove your car down a certain road and had a flat tire, it would be illogical to never drive on that road again. By knowing what caused the flat tire, you would avoid doing the same thing, and travel the same road in the future.

Same thing here...maybe a more rational approach could be to tell your therapist exactly what you're concerned about, just like you've done here and let him tell you what's going to be different this time.

I thought my other therapist was great and working out well. I was very wrong about that.

As has been said before, from what you've said earlier, it sounds like your previous therapist went as far as he had the skill and knowledge to go with you and simply "ran out of gas".

Who knows why and it really doesn't matter why.

What's important is that you move on, work with a therapist with a different skill set and training and benefit from his therapy as much as you can.

In my opinion, you need to shift your focus on what you are prepared to do to benefit from this therapy rather than on what might happen.

Have a discussion with your therapist and set some goals for your therapy and when you achieve those goals, you'll know that your therapy has made progress. To me that's the only way to measure success.

 

[Cat Dancer]

It's hard and confusing because my now therapist does want to deal with and talk about the "why" of the ending of the last therapy. He told me it is a trauma that needs to be dealt with. I want to just forget about it. (even though I really would like to know why.)

I am not trying to sabotage this. I am genuinely terrified. I am going though so that must mean that I am not sabotaging it on purpose. I am very, very, very scared. I shake while I am there I am so scared. It doesn't mean I won't keep trying to work things out financially, kid-wise, time-wise, gasoline-wise and try to go. It's a huge thing to even go. And I'm doing it so far and haven't cancelled and run away. So what else is there to do? Kudos to me? Ick.

I can say if there is a MOMENT where I get too scared or feel too much like it is the old therapy that I will quit. I just will. I will not go through anything like that again. It hasn't helped me grow or whatever and I didn't learn anything from it except never, ever really trust someone even if they tell you over and over they will never give up on you.

 

[Retired]

He told me it is a trauma that needs to be dealt with. I want to just forget about it. (even though I really would like to know why.)

I think you need to accept the fact you may never know why, because unless the previous guy tells you why, which is highly unlikely, especially if your needs exceeded his competence or training, you are destined to be stuck on a point in time that cannot be resolved.

That's why, it seems your therapist appears to be dealing with it rationally...deal with the trauma to find a way to lessen its impact on you.
wanting to forget about it is unlikely, as you have demonstrated by remaining focused on the "why".

"Why" doesn't matter, but finding a way to lessen the impact of the trauma does matter and seems to make good sense to me.

My suggestion...follow your therapist's advice.

 

[Cat Dancer]

But I get the feeling that he wants to know why too. Maybe it's in his own best interest? He's afraid I am a liability somehow and wants to protect himself? He's asked me many times WHY I think it ended. So he is dwelling on it and it worries me because I am afraid he'll think I'm bad and can't be worked with and I think that is what he is trying to find out.

 

[annalease]

I dont know if i missed something while reading all this but are you being treated for depression? because while i was reading this. i mostly felt the depression is what is getting to you much more so then the eating disorder. can you be depressed from the eating disorder? sure but the eating disorder in not likely to get better unless you are treating the depression. I am not a doctor but i have been there. I still have an eating disorder. i purge daily but because i am treating the depression i do not beat myself up as much about it. when someone says something it doesnt cut so deeply and i am able to move on faster. i did gain 10lbs which i struggle with but also know it was very much needed.