I hate myself. I hate myself. I HATE myself. I can't believe I am so stupid. I can't believe that this is my life, that things are this messed up. All these years I believed that things were "okay" and that what I was doing was ok for me, after all I wasn't hurting anyone else. And noone ever took me aside to say otherwise. All these years I did not care, and I still don't care, about the consequences of my ed. You don't go through bingeing & purging or restricting, thinking, "oh, this is bad for my health". Intellectually you know, but it doesn't matter.... in a way I WANT to break myself, to see that ugliness inside and out, so it doesn't matter if I lose weight to an unhealthy point, it doesn't matter if my electrolytes are unbalanced, it doesn't matter if I lose hair or have a low body temperature. I don't care. It's almost reassurance that you're getting there...slowly. What's "there"? Destroying yourself so that nothing is left.... I went to the dentist today, and guess what?!? I thought, no, everything's fine... nothing out of the ordinary, mind you I haven't been to the dentist since years. I have decay pretty much everywhere (you can't tell, I had no idea....)....need fillings and stuff.... will cost lots of $. My money that is. And why?????? B/c I thought I was better than this, b/c I could have cared less about the consequences. And you might wonder, is this going to "change things"????? NO. But do I hate myself even more to let things get to this point, this out of hand, to be so stupid??????? Yes. Please don't tell me "I told you so". The dentist wondered "why" things were like that.. yeah... if she only knew. So this has finally caught up w/ me. And I thought I was invincible...I thought I was "better". I thought I was in control. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE HATE HATE MYSELF.