• Quote of the Day
    "The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well."
    Alfred Adler, posted by David Baxter

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
I hate myself. I hate myself. I HATE myself. I can't believe I am so stupid. I can't believe that this is my life, that things are this messed up. All these years I believed that things were "okay" and that what I was doing was ok for me, after all I wasn't hurting anyone else. And noone ever took me aside to say otherwise. All these years I did not care, and I still don't care, about the consequences of my ed. You don't go through bingeing & purging or restricting, thinking, "oh, this is bad for my health". Intellectually you know, but it doesn't matter.... in a way I WANT to break myself, to see that ugliness inside and out, so it doesn't matter if I lose weight to an unhealthy point, it doesn't matter if my electrolytes are unbalanced, it doesn't matter if I lose hair or have a low body temperature. I don't care. It's almost reassurance that you're getting there...slowly. What's "there"? Destroying yourself so that nothing is left.... I went to the dentist today, and guess what?!? I thought, no, everything's fine... nothing out of the ordinary, mind you I haven't been to the dentist since years. I have decay pretty much everywhere (you can't tell, I had no idea....)....need fillings and stuff.... will cost lots of $. My money that is. And why?????? B/c I thought I was better than this, b/c I could have cared less about the consequences. And you might wonder, is this going to "change things"????? NO. But do I hate myself even more to let things get to this point, this out of hand, to be so stupid??????? Yes. Please don't tell me "I told you so". The dentist wondered "why" things were like that.. yeah... if she only knew. So this has finally caught up w/ me. And I thought I was invincible...I thought I was "better". I thought I was in control. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE HATE HATE MYSELF.
 
Joined
May 17, 2005
Messages
327
Points
16
Eunioa,
First of all....I 100% completely know what you are going through and the rage you are feeling right now...I had bulimia bad enough that I had a whole in my esphogus by the age of 14....I had to go into the hospital for several weeks and it took years for me to get it under control....I know things look bad and honestly I don't know what to tell you other than you are worthy...you are worthy of good health...you are worthy enough to feel beautiful...I know that you may feel unworthy right now but you are worthy of all the good things in life, and just b/c you think you hate yourself I can garuntee that there are people that love you to death...if you can't think of anyone just remember that I'm here and even though I don't know you I care about you and want you to be healthy...you can work your way out of this take it from me...I saw that bottom at 14 and I've crawled back up....good luck
 

Diana

Member
Joined
May 26, 2005
Messages
297
Points
16
Nobody on this board is here to say "I told you so". An eating disorder is a disorder of the mind, and no matter what you know about it it's difficult to get over. You aren't stupid, you just haven't found your way of getting better yet. You are so aware of what is going on and I think you also want to get better. Otherwise, why would you be writing on here? I know you've heard this before, but that is a first step. Really! There's no need to hate yourself, which I don't really think you do (at least not completely). Other people find different ways of causing harm to themselves and it sometimes gets out of control. Admitting that you don't have as much control as you thought you did is good. Hopefully, it can motivate you to work through this towards recovery.
I know what you mean by living the way you do and just thinking, "It's not that bad." When I'm feeling horrible about myself and feeling like I want to restrict my eating, I still come to work everyday, deal with the kids, deal with the other teachers like everything is normal. I still go out on the weekends and meet people and everything is fine. But, at some point I have to grab hold of myself and say silently, "Everything is not fine. Some things are, but not everything." And then I have to turn myself back around again.
Have you thought any more about therapy or tried anything else yet? Even I think that sometimes I could really benefit from having some therapy from time to time when I'm struggling. The last couple of weeks have been kind of bad. I've been avoiding posting anything about it. I'm not starving myself, but I've been making it a point to skip meals and eat smaller ones. I've also been going out and drinking too much. I'm not an alcoholic, but I can't seem to be satisfied with just sitting at home.
Anyway, with all of that said. THINGS CAN GET BETTER. I'm slipping a bit right now, but I'm still better than I was at one point. A lot better actually. Just don't feel alone, because other people understand how you feel.
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
thanks...
you are worthy of good health...you are worthy enough to feel beautiful...I know that you may feel unworthy right now but you are worthy of all the good things in life
Kels, I wish I could see that... I wish I was worthy of good health, of help. Of life I guess. Thank you for sharing your story... a little light at the end of the tunnel... Dianna, I'm sorry things haven't been going well for you. do post though, I'm sure we'll all try our best to help!!!! and maybe therapy for you would help as well...??? you've done it b/f so you know what you're in for. I wish I had the answers, but I don't- I'm in the same boat as you on that level. I go out w/ friends knowing I will drink however much only not to have to think.... for once. and all the other things.... I just wish, wish so bad, I didn't have to live this life. And I do hate myself. I really really do. If I could make those people happy that would mean a lot to me I'd give my life in a second, if I could have a guaranteed way of leaving this world, I'd take it a lot of the time..... I don't know what it will take to ever get better- or even take that 1st step.
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
may I just say to whoever actually cares to read these threads, and at the risk of offending some people, that if you have an ed, don't kid yourself. you don't know what damage has been done to your body untile you actually go find out. I have found myself w/ huge amounts of dental bills that I have to pay- so all the $ that I had earned and worked so hard for over the years is going towards, no not a nice trip to somewhere warm or to move out, but my dentist!!!! gotta love the irony of this. it's quite pathetic actually, I guess it's what I deserve. You have no idea how it feels to step foot in that dentists' office for the appt's... It feels like HELL. I am close to breaking down and giving up every time I go. So my point is, if you have had an ed long enough or done whichever ed behaviour long enough, you are probably at some kind or risk...and even if it's just a matter of being tired all the time, think of everything that you could accomplish if you weren't tired b/c of this.... I'm not patrionizing, just sharing my painful inisight into where this can get you... b/f you even really knew you had a problem. these are just some of the MANY health problems of ed's.....

pls feel free to add your insight if you have any...
 

KiM

Member
Joined
Mar 3, 2005
Messages
29
Points
1
Thanks so much for sharing this harsh yet so so true reality with all of us !!
I have seen it to be true myself and am so SO much happier for realising it ...
i hope your words will incentivise a lot more of 'us' out there!!!
xxx
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
thanks Kim. At the end of the day I guess as much as it helps me to let things out I also know that it's helped me read about other's stories in the past and even now. So if there's anything you can take from this or anyone else then in some small aspect it's not all "hopeless"... we're all in pain, one way or another, but struggling w/ an ed I find has a way of completely engulfing your life and "messing" w/ you on so many levels.... sigh. and you're right, you can be so much happier for realizing this.
 
Joined
Oct 14, 2004
Messages
8,518
Points
38
So my point is, if you have had an ed long enough or done whichever ed behaviour long enough, you are probably at some kind or risk...and even if it's just a matter of being tired all the time, think of everything that you could accomplish if you weren't tired b/c of this....

This is so true and yet why is it so hard, almost impossible to stop these behaviors? I know there is a lot of damage to my body. It seems to have even lost the ability to digest food properly.
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
I know hun. I don't know why it's so hard to stop.. it seems that even if I can stop for so long I'm bound to go back just because I know that I can and I know how to do it etc... people can recover, and they do, but not everyone gets to the point where they can actually be completely "free" of any disordered eating behaviours or thoughts... which is sad. What I find weird is that the whole concept of having an appetite doesn't seem to make any sense anymore... it's food. It's a "must" or "need" but not a "want".
 

Diana

Member
Joined
May 26, 2005
Messages
297
Points
16
It is hard. I never thought I could go back to how I was. I thought that would be impossible. I haven't yet, but these last couple of weeks have been pretty bad. This week all I would eat all day was an apple and I was getting headaches in the afternoon. I would eat something at night that was big enough, but it was mostly just vegetables. The last couple of mornings it was getting more difficult just to walk to school in the morning. My energy was becoming so depleted. Since I didn't eat much yesterday, and I thought that I would wait until later to eat tonight since it's Friday night, and the muscles in my shoulders and neck have been so sore, I decided to eat breakfast this morning. Well, that was a step up from the rest of the week. I feel better in a way, but in another way I don't. I know that I'm not fat, but I can feel my stomache pushing out.
Man, for the longest time I would eat breakfast every morning. And, if I woke up late and skipped breakfast then I would eat lunch. So, why now? i guess that's what I have to ask myself. What is it inside, what emotions are causing me to slip back? It's not simply just the all mighty eating disorder. It's what I'm feeling inside, and the eating disorder is just the method I'm choosing to deal with them I guess. Well, ok it's more complicated than that. I've been reading as much as I can on ed's and learning so much about them. That's good, but ok so now I just have to stop. But, not liking having a full stomache makes things quite difficult, I know. But, not long ago I wasn't like this. I guess I have to hold on to the knowledge that I didn't always feel this way and I don't have to.
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
You're not there yet, Diana. You can still do something about this b/c you're still very aware of what's going on... I'm not going to pretend that it's easy- it's not and you know that. But I think you have come so far from when you were 1st struggling w/ anorexia and you found ways to cope w/ things and express your emotions which decreased general ed behaviours... you feeling like you have to restrict and not allowing yourself to eat regular meals is returning to that original coping mechanism. Think about it, is everything in your life 100% wonderful right now? Or are there stressors, issues to be dealt w/ whether job related, relationship related, future stresses...?? Things may be good, some might even be great, but something is not right. If you can't fix that something and you can't stop reverting back to old coping methods, I'd suggest going out and trying to find someone.... I know you may not want to. But hun, the thing w/ ed's is that I see them as a lifelong battle. There is such a thing as recovery, but you always somehow have to fight not slipping back into old ways and finding new ways to cope and being content. There's the potential at least to slip back and so it's up to you to do whatever it is that you have to do to fight against that. If you can't do it alone, ask someone to help you... you deserve to not have to live like this. We all do.
 

Diana

Member
Joined
May 26, 2005
Messages
297
Points
16
Yes, you're right. I have to think about it and I have been. There have definitely been things I've been dealing with starting maybe a year ago, and then some things happened the last time that I was home to visit my family that really elevated the stress. I can't get into any details now, but maybe I will at some point. Although I am more "satisfied" now and having a good time, there is still that extra stress that is lingering and that I hope will be resolved soon. And, of course there's the future. Near future. I'm definitely going to apply for school and I'm sure I'll get in. But, there are details that I don't know yet, and I just can't know. It's not that I have a great fear of change. I mean, I travelled to Korea for the first time with nothing but the trust that I will be met at the airport as planned. It didn't take me long to adapt to the culture and begin making accomplishments in my job. But, there are some things that I just don't know about the next couple of years to come and I guess I'm feeling out of control about them. Maybe I've decided that I can't worry about these things all the time, so I'm using ed behaviours and feelings to mask them? I'm not exactly sure, but you're right in that I should talk to someone in order to sort this out. It's just that so many things are an issue though - money, language, location - are all issues right now. Maybe I'll change my name on one of the English forums here and ask if anyone knows about english speaking psychiatrists here. That could be a start anyway. Well, it's late Friday afternoon for me, so everyone have a nice weekend and I'll keep you posted.
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
there's only so much you can control about your future; you can however, make informed decisions and be aware of your options and try to follow your dreams and goals. There's no guarantee in life though, so even if you plan out every little detail there's no guarantee things will work out exactly that way. I think you have a general idea of what it is you want to do, and you can't do more than try, right? It's scarry not "knowing" and being overwhelmed by the importance of decisions, but if anyone has control over your life, it's you.

These might help.... it's kind of difficult to find therapists in Korea if you're not in Korea, lol... but it's worth a try. Maybe try contacting some of these people/ organizations even just to ask them about how to inquire about their or some other therapist's services, resources in general, and $ issues- $ is usually an issue but it shouldn't keep you back from becoming healthy- can you take out a loan? ask your family for some $? can your b/f help you out? there must be some way... even if you can find a therapist for say once/every 2 weeks or even month it'd be better than nothing if the location is a problem... there's options, even if they're limited. Good luck!

Young Hee Choi M.D., Ph.D.
Fellow Associate Professor of Psychiatry
Director: Mettaa Institute of Cognitive Behavior Therapy
2nd Floor, M Building
#93-8 Nonhyun-Dong, Gangnam-Gu
Seoul, 135-010
Korea
Phone: 82-2-549-8871
Fax: 82-2-549-4398
Email: lotha208@kornet.net
URL: http://www.mettaa.com

Jung-Hye Kwon Ph.D.
Fellow Professor
Korea University
Department of Psychology

5-1, Anam-Dong, Sungbuk-Gu
Seoul, Korea
Phone: 82-2-3290-2067
Fax: 82-2-3290-2537
Email: junghye@korea.ac.kr

from http://www.academyofct.org/Info/CertifiedMembers.asp?szparent=80&SessionID=gseqewqqk
click on Korea, then Seoul at the bottom

Korea
Dr. Tae-Yong Yoo
Korean Psychological Association
Room 917, Sung Jie Heights Officetel
702-13 Yeoksam-Dong Kangnam-Ku
Seoul 135-080
Korea
Telephone: 822 567 0102
Fax: 822 567 0103
Email: tyyoo@daisy.kwangwoon.ac.kr

from http://www.apa.org/international/natlorgs.html
 

Diana

Member
Joined
May 26, 2005
Messages
297
Points
16
Hey thanks! I'm here in Korea, and I tried different searches, but didn't have much luck. Good news though. I did like I said I would and asked about english-speaking psychiatrists on one of the English forums. Some guy sent me an email saying that one of his previous students is a psychiatrist in Uijeongbu - right where I'm living. He gave me the guy's cell phone number. I don't know, but I'm assuming the guy who emailed me is an english teacher and that this psychiatrist studied English. I don't know what he specializes in though. However, I can take some time to figure out if and how I'm going to approach this. I think I would be really embarrassed to call him on his cell phone, but I could look for the clinic anyway. Even if he's not particularly specialized in ed's, maybe all I need is a professional to talk to. It's not like I'm dangerously underweight or anything. It's just the conflicting thoughts going on in my head right now. Well, I'll let you know if I contact him, but like I said, it could be kind of embarrassing. It's weird that the guy gave me his cell number and not the number of the clinic. I guess I could ask him for it. I have his email now.
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
that's such a good start! did he just give you the psychiatrist's cell # or also the place he works at- you mentioned something about a clinic? if you have the name of the clinic you could track down their phone # and call him there, which I agree, seems a little less iffy. You could also try to varify the guy's name through the Psychology Association in Korea (I think one of the links I gave you might help w/ this) and if you do decide to contact him, feel free to ask him about his place of work, background, affiliations etc... you totally have the right to do that. No need to be embarassed, this is the profession he works in and you can always specify how you actually got ahold of his #- he may use it for work related purposes anyways. Also, I think someone who specializes in ed's is always a good bet, but that's not to say someone else who has a broad background and is empathetic and genuinely tries to help wouldn't be any good. Espec. since you've been to therapy b/f and things aren't "that bad" as you said, I think this might work... talking about things will help a lot. I'm so happy you're trying to do this, I think it'll help you a lot to get things off of your chest. Good work!!!
 
Top Bottom