• Quote of the Day
    "Healing might not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you,
    all of the expectations, all of the beliefs, and changing into who you are."
    Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. , posted by Daniel

Auburn

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Well, just when you think things are heading in the right direction, life has to jump up and bite you in the butt!!! Here is my dilemma and my question.

After Dave and I went through the trauma and the 2 years afterward, we realized that we had not handled things well at all, and that we had hit rock bottom. Not a happy realization at the time. During all the turmoil, I was not in constant contact with some of my friends, one of them being my sister. Previous to all of this I called her several times a week. Or she called me. After the trauma, I didn't call as much. We did not take care of ourselves and the PTSD and as I said, we finally crashed. I know that I was a mess then, I am fully aware of that. I barely knew which way was up, but I was doing the very best I could.

10 months ago when Dave and I realized the state we were in, we made the conscious decision to make sure we did things right this time. We make sure we talk everyday about how we are feeling, we make sure we keep each other on track. And I let everyone know that if they didn't hear from me as often, not to worry, that we are just doing what we needed to do right now to get back on track.

Well, just recently it has come to light that my apparent lack of regular calls has become a huge issue and that I guess I have been selfish. I don't understand any of this. And now, it seems as though they have decided to teach me a lesson, or at least that is how it feels. They won't answer at all when I do call, or don't call back at all. Up until my sister told me how awful I had been, I had no trouble reaching one friend and we talked fairly often.

I have tried to explain to them what we went through, and that I know I was not myself. I also tried to tell my sister today that I have changed. What we went through has completely changed me.

I told my sister, I can't apologize for how I reacted to this or how I handled it. But that I feel as though I did something wrong. And I am not sure how I am supposed to rectify any of it. I can't change it, it is the past. I am trying to find a way to live with this and manage it so that it doesn't bring us down again.

Is this a normal reaction to anyone else? Did any of your families or friends do this? These three were my nearest and dearest friends, and I know they felt neglected, and for that I feel so awful, but I am wondering if I expected too much. I still called them, just not as often. And especially not on those days that I was a basket case, I just didn't have the energy or desire to dump that on them each time we talked. And to be honest, there was some days that I just was so exhausted from my everyday life, that all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.

If anyone has some advice or insight, I would greatly appreciate it. Other friends of mine have been so much more supportive and understanding of the time we needed. I am just at a loss. As much as I have tried to explain what we were going through, it seems to not be enough.
 

adaptive1

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I relate to this. I had a bad experience too and it was all I could do to get through the day let alone deal with my friends and the things that I usually dealt with. I isolated myself and pushed everyone away. Now that I am feeling better I find that it is not so easy to connect with everyone again, they have gone on with their lives and things have happened for them, for me everything has kind of stood still. However, I think you like me need to let up on yourself. You did the best you could at the time, you had to make it through, other people may not get that you were doing what you had to do just to get by. I am not sure that is selfish, I think its survival.

What I have found though is that if you keep persisting the friends that you had before can find there way back to you, people will see the reasons that they liked you before, those reasons are still there. Try connecting again and keep trying, at the end of the day if they want to be non forgiving then you have done all you can do. Explain to them that you were having a really hard time, I have found some people have told me they just wished I told them, they would have helped me. I didnt know that.

good luck

:heart:
 

Auburn

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Thank you so much adaptive. They all knew what had happened, and I have told them just how difficult each day was, but, it hasn't made a difference so far. I love them all very much, and I know that it was hard for them when I didn't have as much contact. But, it wasn't intentional and was never meant to harm. And I don't think I can apologize any more than I have. I feel bad I hurt their feelings, but I just am not sure that they understand what Dave and I had to endure. Or just how much it messed us up. It is a quandry and I am not sure what more I can do.
Thanks so much again. :)
 

Halo

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In my opinion I think that you have apologized enough and explained yourself enough to them and if they cannot accept that and move forward with you in your life then they are not your true friends. True friends are understanding and will support you moving forward and that is what you need in your life right now, not people that are going to try and make you feel bad for times when you were unable to reach out to them or call them quite as often. That is not to say that you should give up on these people and cut them out of your life completely but do continue to make the effort to be friends but don't kill yourself to make it work. You can only do so much which it sounds like you have already. Keep the people that are most supportive of you close.
 

Auburn

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Thanks Halo. One of them actually said, "this isn't Mel, I don't even know who this is". I realize I am not the same person, but I don't think they do. My husband has taken the total defensive mode, he is just in shock that this is the position they have taken. And he wants nothing more to do with them. AS much as I wish it were that simple for me, it isn't. I have loved these woman and counted on them for years. What makes me so sad is that it seems I am to apologize for my actions. Actions that I had no control over for so long. And now that I am making the necessary changes for Dave and I, it still isn't enough. I have made the decision that I am not going to worry about it anymore. I just can't. The funniest thing is, this all feels like highschool antics, and last time I checked, I graduated from that institution!! lol I am not going back either!
Thank you so much for your input. I know that I needed to tell them how I was feeling, and I knew they weren't going to like it, but now it is done and I can get on with things. They will either support me or they won't. That is a decision they will have to make.
Love you all, and thanks!
 
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i am sorry to hear that your three closest friends have reacted this way. you said that you didn't call near as often; i can't help but wonder if they called you at all?

it sounds like you've said what you felt you needed to say and are just going to accept whatever the reaction is. i think probably at this point that is a good choice.
 

Auburn

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I appreciate all your replies. I have spoke to my sister, and although she wasn't happy with my email, I think we are going to be ok. I have told them they have to accept me that way I am now. I know I am not the same, but after what Dave and I went through, there is no way we could be the same. And I think I have grown, and I am proud of that. So, now I am just waiting to hear from my other two friends and see if they choose to accept. If they don't, well, that is their choice. I can't worry about it. It uses up energy that I can better expend elsewhere. It will not stop me from loving them or missing them, but it has to be their choice. I can't force it. I will just hope that the woman I am now is still someone they want in their lives.
Thank you again so much for all your support! Hugs to you all! :)
 

David Baxter

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I think that's the key, Auburn.

You have had to adjust to what you experienced. It wasn't a choice. It's just something life handed you. And of course it changed you.

And if the people who purportedly care about you can't understand that, I guess my attitude would be you don't need them in your life.
 

Auburn

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Thanks David. As much I hate knowing what PTSD is, in a very weird way, it has made Dave and I re-evaluate so many things. We have realized so many things and as uncomfortable as it was at times, I really do think it has had a positive effect in other areas for us. Both of our fathers were alcoholics as well, and wow, we have learned so much from talking about what happened with Dave's dad. I am very proud of the people we are now, and as long as we keep taking steps forward, that is what is important to me. If others can't accept our changes, then that is their choice. We have had more than our fair share of crap to deal with, this I think I will leave in the pile if I have to!!
Thanks for your input!
 

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