I need help with a self-injury issue

[dugie_boy]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 month now, a while back me and her talked about her past and I found out some secretes. She told me five years ago (when she was 14) she use to cut herself (she still has scars on her hand), however this was never a problem because she told me she haven?t done it again since then. That night I made her promised to me that she will never do such things and she agree.

She?s is now 18, and A couple nights ago I saw some starch marks on her hands. There not big nor are they really noticeable. I ask her how she got those and she said it was from an accident and I believed her. Then just last night I went over to her house I saw that she got even more cuts on her hand. This time bigger and deeper worried I ask her how she got those. She had a very strong reaction to it and told me it was nothing and it was just an accident and hid it from me. I know they were not accidents. Through out the night I slowly ask her what happened and she just got even more upset so I decided to drop it. That night on the phone with her, she finally opened up to me. I asked her and she told me. Not directly but she told me that those were self-inflecting wounds. I told her that what she does really upsets me. She told me that there should be nothing to be worried/upset about and promise to me that she will never do it again. She also made me promise that I won?t tell anyone. So now we have a deal, I promise I wont tell anyone IF she promise to not cut herself anymore. I told her that if she does I?ll going to look for help.

I don?t know why my girlfriend cuts herself. She is in a really stressful time of her life. Her parents are always upset with her. She tell me that she feels like she does nothing right and that there never enough for people. Most nights she calls me crying on the phone. Her parent doesn?t like me they tell her that she should break up with me. I know that breaks her heart going against her parents. She?s having trouble with her friends in school.

I'm only 17 I don?t know what I can do about this situation. I want to believe her that she won?t cut herself again but she promised me once she won?t and she did it again. What should I do if she continues this self injury? Do I tell someone and if so who? What options are opened up to me? I know these cuts aren?t very big but I don?t want this to get worst.

Please and thank you for your time.

 

[ladylore]

Re: I need help.

First off dugie_boy:welcome2: to Psychlinks.

I am passing on a link to a thread in the self-injury part of Pschlinks forum. There are other articles in the "Sticky" section that you may want to read.

Self-help ideas for people who self-injure

Has your girlfriend considered seeing a counsellor? This is an issue that needs to be dealt with by a professional.

I look forward to seeing you around in the forum.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: I need help.

I would also suggest that you read some of the articles on self-injury, as ladylore recommended. This may help you to understand why some people feel the need to self-injure.

It may also help you to understand that giving her ultimatums isn't going to be helpful. Even assuming that she is serious about trying to stop, she is probably going to have some lapses and it won't be at all helpful if you see that as a failure or a broken promise and overreact.

People self-injure for a reason. You've mentioned that she's unhappy about her relationshop with her parents and that may be part of it, but again there's little you can do or even should try to do to force the situation.

The best thing you can do for her now is to learn as much as you can about self-injury to avoid overreacting in ways which will make it more difficult for her, and to try to be supportive. Suggesting that she see a counselor isn't a terrible idea but at 18 she may not be able to do much without her parents and that may be something she's not willing to do yet.

 

[dugie_boy]

Thanks, ladylore and Davis for your time.

I haven been reading many articles on self-injury, I somewhat have an idea on why people feel the need to SI. You suggested bringing her to see a counselor but I don’t know how I should approach her. I'm not sure if shes ready for that yet. She still somewhat keeps this a secret from me and nobody but me knows that she SI. She has told me that she doesn’t want people to think her as someone trying to commit suicide. (I know that she is not). How should I suggest the idea to go see a counselor if she continues to SI? Like you have said were both still young. Without her parents permission we cannot do much and I don’t think she willing to tell her parents that she SI.

Is there nothing more I can do for her at this time?
Once again thank you this means a lot to me.

 

[ladylore]

Hi dugie_boy,

The best way to support your girlfriend as Dr. David Baxter recommended. Read up on the articles. Being there for her and being supportive is the best thing you can do.

Take care

Ladylore

 

[Into The Light]

How should I suggest the idea to go see a counselor if she continues to SI?

i don't know your girlfriend or how she might react, but i would try something along these lines.

let her know that you love her and care for her, and that you are concerned about her well-being. let her know that you've been reading up on SI, and that you understand that it's not something she may be able to just stop doing, despite the promise she's made. let her know that you won't be judging her for it if she slips up, and that you want to help her with this problem. let her know that there is help available to her if she wants it.

you can adapt the wording to however you think is best. the key thing here is to listen and talk to her in a non-judgmental way. the minute you judge you will have lost her and she won't be open to suggestions any more.