In Too Deep

[Cavi]

I am still seeing 2 T's and the bond with my regular T has deepened even more...I have tried to walk away and have found it impossible for me to do...
so I stopped fighting it and let things be...She has told me several times that she loves me and today I said to her, "I love you" and she said "I love you to"...Today was the first time I ever said it to her...

This relationship with her feels so right and yet there is a small part of me that knows what she is doing is wrong...But I am so attached to her that I've decided to just leave it alone and go with the flow...

Tuesday (always seems to happen on Tuesdays) I had a major meltdown and I was so far out of it that even my reg. T couldn't get me to calm down completely....even hearing her say that she loved me and that she was there for me...

I saw her on Wed. and we had a long talk about how some of my actions makes her feel and we cleared the air (she thought I was upset with her and I wasn't) Yesterday and today I've been doing alot better...

RIMH

 

[Halo]

Re: In To Deep (Update)

Have you told or talked to your other therapist about the close relationship/bond that you have with your regular therapist and how she tells you that she loves you?

If not, I would definitely suggest that you do as she may be able to help you see things a bit more clearly.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: In To Deep (Update)

This is going into very dangerous territory, RIMH. I think you know that.

 

[Cavi]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

Halo...No I haven't...I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with this other T...Because I feel like I am betraying my reg. T...

Dr. B...I know to a degree that it's wrong but on the other hand I don't see it as wrong...
RIMH

 

[Halo]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

RIMH,

I have to agree with David that it is dangerous territory that you are getting involved in. My suggestion would be to talk this over with your other therapist to get some insight and suggestions as to what you should do. You sound a little conflicted on this and it may help to get someone else's perspective.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

Yes, it's wrong. But more importantly, it's very dangerous for you, RIMH. That's what I meant.

 

[Cavi]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

Ok let me ask this...why is it dangerous for me?...What is the difference between meeting someone that isn't a therapist and learning to love them than it is being a therapist and loving them...She is still human...being a therapist is her profession doesn't change the fact that she has feelings...

I don't mean to sound dumb with this but I truly don't understand...The only reason why I know it's wrong is because that is what I've been told...she is completely different from my first therapist...IMO my first therapist was the one that did the damage, not my current T...I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just trying to understand...RIMH

 

[Into The Light]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

rimh, your regular therapist has crossed the line. this is no longer a therapeutic relationship and i cannot see how it can be of any help to you any longer. i am very concerned for your well-being.

i encourage you to talk to your second therapist about what's going on.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

Ok let me ask this...why is it dangerous for me?...What is the difference between meeting someone that isn't a therapist and learning to love them than it is being a therapist and loving them...She is still human...being a therapist is her profession doesn't change the fact that she has feelings...

I don't mean to sound dumb with this but I truly don't understand...The only reason why I know it's wrong is because that is what I've been told...she is completely different from my first therapist...IMO my first therapist was the one that did the damage, not my current T...I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just trying to understand...RIMH

Having a relationship with your therapist is like having a relationship with a parent or teacher. It is fundamentally unequal, unbalanced, nonreciprocal, and unhealthy. It is based on a distortion of roles and of the therapeutic relationship. And it is dangerous to you because it cannot possibly be viable and you will be damaged by it in the end.

 

[Cavi]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

Thanks for explaining it......RIMH

I just want to say this...I appreciate everyone's concern and at first when she said I love you to me in Feb. it made me angry and I tried walking away while she was out for surgery...But I couldn't do it...It sent me into a full fledged tailspin and the child started crying for mommy (my T)...

Then a few weeks ago I was suicidal and she was there for me...If it wasn't for her talking to me more than likely I wouldn't be here today...She is the one and only person that can get through to me...she was still home recooperating, she didn't have to call me but she wanted to...I decided that my anger towards her was wrong...

This past Tuesday I got into another crisis situation...I was hysterical and K couldn't do anything with me...She called my T and my T called back...I was so out of it that even my T had trouble calming me down...she never did get me completely calm...I ended up having to take meds to calm down completely...

She emails me when I email her and if she can't respond she has her sister call me and tell me that she can't get back to me right than...She told K Wed. that she wanted me to know that she was always there for me...she has gone way out of her way for me and it wasn't something she had to do...

For once in my life I have someone that cares about me that wants to help me...
I don't believe she would EVER do anything to hurt me...I wrote my OP because I wanted ya'll to know that I am doing better and alot of it is because I stopped being angry at the one person that has gone that extra mile...RIMH

 

[ladylore]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

I am really happy your out of crisis RIMH.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

I don't doubt that she cares for you and about you, RIMH. Just be careful.

 

[Cavi]

She's Changed The Rules

Doc has decided to pull back and try to make some boundaries...she wrote me an email last Sat. saying that she loved me...tonight she said she was going to make the boundaries...I feel like my world has been turned upside down...RIMH

 

[Halo]

Re: She's Changed The Rules

RIMH,

I think that you knew that things were going to get complicated when the boundaries got crossed when she first said that she loved you. It was only a matter of time before she realized that she had indeed crossed a line and needed to pull back. I am sure that it is difficult and probably confusing for you. Has your therapist said what the boundaries are?

Are you still seeing the temp therapist? If so, I would bring up this issue with her details and all and get her perspective and ideas on how you should handle going forward.

Take care RIMH.

 

[Cavi]

Re: She's Changed The Rules

Halo...Yes, she said no more phone calls and no more emails...I am actually better with this today because I am angry...I kept the email where she said she loved me...I'm going to talk to my other T Monday and I'm going to work towards leaving Doc........RIMH

 

[braveheart]

Re: She's Changed The Rules

Clear boundaries don't mean that she doesn't care. She still wants to help you, it sounds like.

 

[Cavi]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

Actually no I'm not ok...I am literally falling apart...I am hurt, confused and angry...she is the one that gave ME all the gifts...she is the one that told me that she wanted to be friends...she is the one that told me that she didn't want to lose ME...I can't count how many times she told me that she loved me and how many times she said you have me and I am here for you...I told her I wanted to go to every other week sessions and than once a month to work towards terminating...I can't just up and terminate, I am soo attached to her that it hurts...I wish like heck I wasn't in the position I'm in because it hurts so bad...I am through with therapists therapy and the blasted works...I have one person in my life so I don't have to worry about changing my behaviors because of hurting other people...K likes me the way I am...

As far as EVER trusting someone again...it will NEVER happen...the thought probably is shes just hurt she'll change her mind....let me say this I went 36 years without trusting anyone and you can bet I'll go back to that...I don't want to here I care I Love You and I'm here for you or you have us from ANYONE ever again...Because it will be taken with a grain of salt...

I'm done with people...I've had it......RIMH

 

[braveheart]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

It can be confusing and frightening to build up your hopes, and then be disappointed. Filling yourself with ideas of ideal love and caring and then feeling that that is emptied out of you, without your consent can bring up deep rage, sometimes years old, right back to very early childhood.

A healthy therapeutic relationship can explore and understand these feelings safely. But there needs to be objective professional distance on the part of the therapist, so that they don't get enmeshed. Its ok to talk about how you feel, but not to have it enacted in the way your therapist has been doing.

A therapist can deeply care about their client - I know mine does - but that is a different kind of 'love' to a parent or romantic partner, even a friend.

 

[ladylore]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

You didn't do anything wrong RIMH - she stepped over the line, way over.

As for trusting people - everyone needs to earn trust, including myself. This was one person in a world of about 4 billion people.

If you need to get away from her - does she have a supervisor, maybe the 3 of you can have a session together so you can express your anger and have backup. What happened wasn't appropriate at all. And she needs to be accountable for her actions.

You can also just start to have sessions with your other T. It really hurts right now I know but your other T can help you through those feelings rather then the one that violated the boundaries.

 

[Cavi]

Re: In Too Deep (Update)

I'm not sure what to say because I don't want to attack anyone here because it's not your fault...It's mine...As far as continuing therapy with the other therapist I am terminating Monday...I no longer what anything to do with therapy...

Ladylore...This is the second therapist who has crossed boundaries with me and I knew better...

Dr. Baxter I'm asking you to ban me please...I no longer want anything to do with people and K gets on my p.c. and reads the forums and I don't want her being able to do that...
whether I post here or not...which I won't...but she likes to play therapist after reading this board and it drives me nuts...I've had it...I'm done...RIMH