:heart:Hi Guys. Just want everyone to know that I find your varying levels of self-awareness and personal exploration fascinating, and even a bit inspiring at the moment. The human mind/body/spirit/heart really is a unique tool.
At present I am in a predicament. What I am coping with is a terrible and ongoing tragedy which can hardly be explained. My twin brother took his own life awhile ago, a little over 1 year. I was stricken with guilt at the time, and do indeed still have a string of that as a catalyst in many of my actions. I feel that my guilt over not being involved enough in his life, over being away on a quest for my own thriving life and ignorant of the extended health problems he suffered from (which he hid), may be leading me to make some somewhat self-destructive, or just careless decisions in my life. At the same time, how can one go through such a life-altering permanent loss and not change their perspective?
It's not just guilt that pulls my strings. I have always really wanted to do something with my life that benefits other people. It just so happens that my brother dying gave me ample motivation to go to massage therapy school (as much to seek self-healing as to cultivate tools with which to help others do so). I actually don't know if I'd ever had such an aptitude for compassion before this, and perhaps never would have developed it otherwise.
So the desire to do good is inherintly good, as long as one is healthy. But the other factor is that I'm deathly afraid of going through another loss in my life. I never really respected my father in young life, and my twin brother (I am female), was very much a male role model to me. I always looked up to and respected him, and emulated him. Despite the fact that he commit suiciede at the age of 27, he was an exceptionally bright shining star in the entirety of his sojourn with us. In fact his final act was testament of a pure heart and queit struggle.
Within 10 months of this loss I came somewhat abruptly into a new romantic relationship. Somehow when one's key male role-model dies, and another man comes into the picture, it is impossible for him not to somehow wear that hat (at least on a psychic level). Looking back it seems a bit soon for this relationship, but I admit that I consciously wanted to have someone close to me to be a part of this part of my life, wherein I am sort of being born again, or re-awakening to myself on a deeper level. The person I'm involved with actually has a health issue similar to that of my brothers'; something which didn't kill him, but which caused him constant internal torment while he was alive. It is similar with my boyfriend. As someone who is a trained healer with a bit of a marter chip on my shoulder, I fully want to aid my loved one in overcoming his health issue through holistic means. Like many relationships, this one is not always easy. In fact sometimes it is unusually, fascinatingly, impossibly difficult. I know it's not my responsibility to fix this person, but I feel that if we can stay together for long enough to aid my lover's emotional and physical health, this relationship could be every bit of wholesome that we both see the possibility of.
Then, there's the issue that I am still injured and licking my own wounds. Some would say that I need someone to give to me what I am trying to give to this important person in my life. Have I put myself into a dangerous and/or impossible situation? Am I just a head case that wants to re-incarnate my brother and fix what I couldn't while he was alive? At times I marvel that I've kept more than a shred of sanity in this circumstance, meaning the death of a twin. I would like some feedback as to whether or not this seems to an objective party to be a nut-house party.
Thank you for reading and for any and all comments.
At present I am in a predicament. What I am coping with is a terrible and ongoing tragedy which can hardly be explained. My twin brother took his own life awhile ago, a little over 1 year. I was stricken with guilt at the time, and do indeed still have a string of that as a catalyst in many of my actions. I feel that my guilt over not being involved enough in his life, over being away on a quest for my own thriving life and ignorant of the extended health problems he suffered from (which he hid), may be leading me to make some somewhat self-destructive, or just careless decisions in my life. At the same time, how can one go through such a life-altering permanent loss and not change their perspective?
It's not just guilt that pulls my strings. I have always really wanted to do something with my life that benefits other people. It just so happens that my brother dying gave me ample motivation to go to massage therapy school (as much to seek self-healing as to cultivate tools with which to help others do so). I actually don't know if I'd ever had such an aptitude for compassion before this, and perhaps never would have developed it otherwise.
So the desire to do good is inherintly good, as long as one is healthy. But the other factor is that I'm deathly afraid of going through another loss in my life. I never really respected my father in young life, and my twin brother (I am female), was very much a male role model to me. I always looked up to and respected him, and emulated him. Despite the fact that he commit suiciede at the age of 27, he was an exceptionally bright shining star in the entirety of his sojourn with us. In fact his final act was testament of a pure heart and queit struggle.
Within 10 months of this loss I came somewhat abruptly into a new romantic relationship. Somehow when one's key male role-model dies, and another man comes into the picture, it is impossible for him not to somehow wear that hat (at least on a psychic level). Looking back it seems a bit soon for this relationship, but I admit that I consciously wanted to have someone close to me to be a part of this part of my life, wherein I am sort of being born again, or re-awakening to myself on a deeper level. The person I'm involved with actually has a health issue similar to that of my brothers'; something which didn't kill him, but which caused him constant internal torment while he was alive. It is similar with my boyfriend. As someone who is a trained healer with a bit of a marter chip on my shoulder, I fully want to aid my loved one in overcoming his health issue through holistic means. Like many relationships, this one is not always easy. In fact sometimes it is unusually, fascinatingly, impossibly difficult. I know it's not my responsibility to fix this person, but I feel that if we can stay together for long enough to aid my lover's emotional and physical health, this relationship could be every bit of wholesome that we both see the possibility of.
Then, there's the issue that I am still injured and licking my own wounds. Some would say that I need someone to give to me what I am trying to give to this important person in my life. Have I put myself into a dangerous and/or impossible situation? Am I just a head case that wants to re-incarnate my brother and fix what I couldn't while he was alive? At times I marvel that I've kept more than a shred of sanity in this circumstance, meaning the death of a twin. I would like some feedback as to whether or not this seems to an objective party to be a nut-house party.
Thank you for reading and for any and all comments.
