I know, right? It’s like he can’t see that far ahead. I think that’s a huge part of the problem.
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- Thread starter H011yHawkJ311yBean
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I know, right? It’s like he can’t see that far ahead. I think that’s a huge part of the problem.
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I’ve been patient and in the past he usually comes around on his own and stops himself. I had expressed that he needed more balance. So just recently he’s gone back to a much more balanced amount of time. Before I get up and in the evening instead of off and on all day.
Part of the reason is because our newly moved-in couple next door are gamers. The fellow plays WOW, so David has a “reason” at least. Sort of. But I like the neighbour because they have discussions about the game and Rob (our new neighbour) has expressed that he knows all about the real life balance (real life = RL). So I’m actually encouraged by this.
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My husband (who has bipolar disorder) is the same way sometimes, but that's also partly what attracted me to him (to balance out my mostly living in the future).
The problem seems complex. But...
To clarify one point when one person is the breadwinner and the other takes care of the house etc.. thats like it used to be in the old days well that person is entitled to half. Also by law if you divorce him and you were the breadwinner and make more than him he would ne entitled to alimony support from you. Also unless there's a pre-nuptual aggreement when couples divorce it doesn't matter who payed for what, including the capital paid on a house after the marriage started until it ends including common law couples.
This was previously to protect women from being homeless since they were usually the one staying home raising the kids etc but with the new reality of things, common law, woman being the bread winner, same sex marriages and on and on, it applies to all situations. Anything earned or acquired (exception being things like gifts and inheritance) are common property and to be divided equally and evenly. Same goes for Canada Pension Plan from the date the relationship started.
So throwing him to the curb might be a bigger financial hardship. AS for his physical and mental issues that's something really complex to figure out and if he is like me and is pushed to the wall he could probably just freeze and give up and do absolutely nothing.
Hope you guys can find the appropriate help to resolve things.
just my $0.02 Canadian
To clarify one point when one person is the breadwinner and the other takes care of the house etc.. thats like it used to be in the old days well that person is entitled to half. Also by law if you divorce him and you were the breadwinner and make more than him he would ne entitled to alimony support from you. Also unless there's a pre-nuptual aggreement when couples divorce it doesn't matter who payed for what, including the capital paid on a house after the marriage started until it ends including common law couples.
This was previously to protect women from being homeless since they were usually the one staying home raising the kids etc but with the new reality of things, common law, woman being the bread winner, same sex marriages and on and on, it applies to all situations. Anything earned or acquired (exception being things like gifts and inheritance) are common property and to be divided equally and evenly. Same goes for Canada Pension Plan from the date the relationship started.
So throwing him to the curb might be a bigger financial hardship. AS for his physical and mental issues that's something really complex to figure out and if he is like me and is pushed to the wall he could probably just freeze and give up and do absolutely nothing.
Hope you guys can find the appropriate help to resolve things.
just my $0.02 Canadian
Oh, I wasn’t planning to kick him to the curb. Yes, we both know it would be easier to work together to fix the mess we both got ourselves into.
I don’t know much about the law, but if you were working your ass off for years and your spouse decided they didn’t have to contribute to the finances, I wonder what a judge might think about that. I’ve been TRYING to get him to see a psychiatrist because I think he’s either depressed or his ADHD is messing with his logic or something.
Yes we both weren’t the best money managers. We’re way better now. However I was always the one trying to watch what we spent. He seems to be oblivious about how things are going and almost seems happy to stay that way.
The main issue has been that we consistently do not make enough to cover what we spend. I’ve done all I can do. He pretty much expects me to get a 2nd job or something. Or pull money out of my @$$. I already work full time and make about $35/hr. I could have been a teacher and never gotten near to making that much, plus my benefits help us save 80% on prescriptions, 100% on dentistry, about $300 towards an optometrist/glasses, coverage for psychologist/psychiatrist/physiotherapy/massage/etc... David has the same benefits through my job. But HE doesn’t bother to take advantage of any of them.
He has crappy eyesight: this might be why I have to rewash his dishes, clean surfaces he’s already “cleaned,” and clean things he seems completely oblivious to that seem obvious to me. I can’t fathom why he never seems to put pop cans or bottles or milk cartons in the recyclables. He just puts them in the sink, on the counter, or on the stove. And if I politely say that I’d appreciate it if he’s take care of rinsing it out right away, he gets into a snit and acts like I’m SOOO hard on him.
It’s like he’s either blind, or not adult enough to see obvious things that need done. This house has been a piece of crap needing repairs done since we moved in. I work full time, so I ask him to arrange for whatever to be fixed. Does he arrange it? No. How many times have I asked him to do things like this? I’ve lost count. The only thing he seems to WANT to do is get the car’s oil changed. He doesn’t like to do groceries by himself. He used to let dishes pile up in the sink instead of doing them daily and guess who got to clean a week’s worth of dishes on one of my days off? He’s “supposed to” do the toilet and the bathroom sink & toilet: I do the tub/shower. But guess who gets to clean the whole bathroom? The toilet has to be disgusting, he can’t won’t clean it unless I mention it several times, or sometimes he still doesn’t.
So he’s either got eye problems, selective hearing/memory, doesn’t give a damn about running the household, has the mentality/cognition of a child, is a lazy A-hole... OR he’s got mental health issues.
He used to be WAY better at consistent housework. He used to take pride in our house. He was almost meticulous.
Tell me what kind of healthy adult male who’s been alive 50+ years has these issues? What adult doesn’t give a damn or is not mindful of anything except his hobby/playing World of Warcraft/other games. What “normal” person can barely see and won’t get glasses FFS?
He’s driving me up a wall when he says he doesn’t need mental health support, there’s nothing wrong with him. But he says I should focus on me. Well, hello, I AM! I am communicating better with him, asking him for help. But no, it’s not about him, it’s all about me. I’m not supposed to expect anything from him because he thinks I’m having perception problems because of MY anxiety/depression/ADHD. He thinks I should hurry up and get back to work so we can get full wages (mine) so HE can go back to his fantasy that everything is financially just super duper.
He bloody hell better have mental health problems!!!!!
I am so sick of the unfairness and he thinks I’m too hard on him, that I’m being unreasonable.
And so I come here to vent because otherwise he wouldn’t have to leave. I would leave.
He used to make terrific money when he worked at Workers Compensation Board. He quit after his arm pain got bad enough to go to Physio. He said it was too stressful to go back. I supported him.
He decided to start teaching guitar.
I supported him.
He got sick. I supported him.
He has NO benefits. I supported him.
I’ve had it up to *HERE* because what about ME? Why can’t I work part time so I can do the things I love? Why do I have to be stuck at this job that drains me and makes me so exhausted at the end of the day I don’t have energy to do anything? Why can’t I have holidays instead of looking after a sick husband?
Do you now understand why I took stress leave from work again!?!
I make plenty of money not working.
We have NO nest egg. What the hell are we going to do when I retire? Oh wait, I guess I’ll never be able to retire. Best I can hope for is to maybe die of a heart attack, stroke, or from throwing myself in front of a bus.
The Effing End.
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I don’t know much about the law, but if you were working your ass off for years and your spouse decided they didn’t have to contribute to the finances, I wonder what a judge might think about that. I’ve been TRYING to get him to see a psychiatrist because I think he’s either depressed or his ADHD is messing with his logic or something.
Yes we both weren’t the best money managers. We’re way better now. However I was always the one trying to watch what we spent. He seems to be oblivious about how things are going and almost seems happy to stay that way.
The main issue has been that we consistently do not make enough to cover what we spend. I’ve done all I can do. He pretty much expects me to get a 2nd job or something. Or pull money out of my @$$. I already work full time and make about $35/hr. I could have been a teacher and never gotten near to making that much, plus my benefits help us save 80% on prescriptions, 100% on dentistry, about $300 towards an optometrist/glasses, coverage for psychologist/psychiatrist/physiotherapy/massage/etc... David has the same benefits through my job. But HE doesn’t bother to take advantage of any of them.
He has crappy eyesight: this might be why I have to rewash his dishes, clean surfaces he’s already “cleaned,” and clean things he seems completely oblivious to that seem obvious to me. I can’t fathom why he never seems to put pop cans or bottles or milk cartons in the recyclables. He just puts them in the sink, on the counter, or on the stove. And if I politely say that I’d appreciate it if he’s take care of rinsing it out right away, he gets into a snit and acts like I’m SOOO hard on him.
It’s like he’s either blind, or not adult enough to see obvious things that need done. This house has been a piece of crap needing repairs done since we moved in. I work full time, so I ask him to arrange for whatever to be fixed. Does he arrange it? No. How many times have I asked him to do things like this? I’ve lost count. The only thing he seems to WANT to do is get the car’s oil changed. He doesn’t like to do groceries by himself. He used to let dishes pile up in the sink instead of doing them daily and guess who got to clean a week’s worth of dishes on one of my days off? He’s “supposed to” do the toilet and the bathroom sink & toilet: I do the tub/shower. But guess who gets to clean the whole bathroom? The toilet has to be disgusting, he can’t won’t clean it unless I mention it several times, or sometimes he still doesn’t.
So he’s either got eye problems, selective hearing/memory, doesn’t give a damn about running the household, has the mentality/cognition of a child, is a lazy A-hole... OR he’s got mental health issues.
He used to be WAY better at consistent housework. He used to take pride in our house. He was almost meticulous.
Tell me what kind of healthy adult male who’s been alive 50+ years has these issues? What adult doesn’t give a damn or is not mindful of anything except his hobby/playing World of Warcraft/other games. What “normal” person can barely see and won’t get glasses FFS?
He’s driving me up a wall when he says he doesn’t need mental health support, there’s nothing wrong with him. But he says I should focus on me. Well, hello, I AM! I am communicating better with him, asking him for help. But no, it’s not about him, it’s all about me. I’m not supposed to expect anything from him because he thinks I’m having perception problems because of MY anxiety/depression/ADHD. He thinks I should hurry up and get back to work so we can get full wages (mine) so HE can go back to his fantasy that everything is financially just super duper.
He bloody hell better have mental health problems!!!!!
I am so sick of the unfairness and he thinks I’m too hard on him, that I’m being unreasonable.
And so I come here to vent because otherwise he wouldn’t have to leave. I would leave.
He used to make terrific money when he worked at Workers Compensation Board. He quit after his arm pain got bad enough to go to Physio. He said it was too stressful to go back. I supported him.
He decided to start teaching guitar.
I supported him.
He got sick. I supported him.
He has NO benefits. I supported him.
I’ve had it up to *HERE* because what about ME? Why can’t I work part time so I can do the things I love? Why do I have to be stuck at this job that drains me and makes me so exhausted at the end of the day I don’t have energy to do anything? Why can’t I have holidays instead of looking after a sick husband?
Do you now understand why I took stress leave from work again!?!
I make plenty of money not working.
We have NO nest egg. What the hell are we going to do when I retire? Oh wait, I guess I’ll never be able to retire. Best I can hope for is to maybe die of a heart attack, stroke, or from throwing myself in front of a bus.
The Effing End.
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There is no excuse for some things, but what keeps a lot of people "straight" are consequences for their behavior. And though people develop their traits over a long period of time, they are still responsible for their behavior -- otherwise, who is?
Addressing Refuse-to-Work Syndrome
...In the end, the spouse with Refuse-to-Work Syndrome almost always wins---No one can force him or her to work. Or s/he or does a teeny, pleasant very part-time job like giving a few flute lessons a week from home.
While people with Refuse-to-Work Syndrome may have brief periods of earning modest or even moderate income, over the couple's lifespan, they end up contributing only a tiny fraction of the family income, leaving the primary breadwinner to, through his/her life, work long hours at that job s/he doesn't really like--S/he is, like the donkey above, a beast of burden.
Few of the working spouses choose to divorce their refuse-to-work spouse over it. They just feel unloved and after a while, give up and don the yoke of said beast of burden...
...In the end, the spouse with Refuse-to-Work Syndrome almost always wins---No one can force him or her to work. Or s/he or does a teeny, pleasant very part-time job like giving a few flute lessons a week from home.
While people with Refuse-to-Work Syndrome may have brief periods of earning modest or even moderate income, over the couple's lifespan, they end up contributing only a tiny fraction of the family income, leaving the primary breadwinner to, through his/her life, work long hours at that job s/he doesn't really like--S/he is, like the donkey above, a beast of burden.
Few of the working spouses choose to divorce their refuse-to-work spouse over it. They just feel unloved and after a while, give up and don the yoke of said beast of burden...
BTW:
Then couples counseling may be your best hope (if he goes).
Or the family doctor approach of mentioning mental-health screening at the next appointment.
The applying-for-disability route may be limited if household income is a factor for eligibility.
gooblax
MVP
I've been watching a bunch of Jordan Peterson videos lately and although I have no idea how much help this will be (if any) I'll just put this one here:
Thank you, gooblax! This was very good! [emoji2][emoji106]
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Sorry, meant to add more/edit regarding the video, but here’s the rest of my reply, gooblax:
I am very very very patient with him. At first I was too patient. Way too patient.
I haven’t told him that I rewash some of his dishes, for example. If I’m putting away dishes and there are some still dirty, I just put them back in the sink. Or if I do mention, it’s sometime later, like, “Yes, hon, you DO need glasses. I don’t think you can see the food on some of the dishes because of your bad eyesight.”
If I come in from outside or return from errands he will actually show me he’s done dishes, or vacuumed, or cleaned the toilet: I say “Wow! It looks great in here! Thanks for doing that!” or “Omigosh, this is terrific! I hope you know how much I appreciate that!” *all smiles and hugs and kisses*
When I do dishes I forget about them, or wait until he sees I did them. He usually doesn’t shower me with affection, but I don’t mind: the dishes are done. lol Don’t have to do them later, don’t have to pile more dishes in the sink and have to wash even more dishes.
The video really helped. It very much reminded me that change is tough. And it’s probably a lot tougher than I think. I don’t know, it always seems like I’m the one who has to adapt and be flexible. I feel so worn out from all this constant adapting!! lol
~ (Edited for more explanation/misspellings) ~
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Too tired to explain entirely, but I think I finally got through to him. Somehow.
I’ve been speaking to him quite calmly, no yelling. I did have to leave the house once in the car because of his hostility toward me: can’t remember if I mentioned that day already. I have to isolate myself outside or in another room sometimes, but so far he hasn’t rattled me like that day I cried so hard after returning home from errands that I had to take a tiny piece of clonazepam before I could stop bawling my eyes out.
I have to give him some credit.
He hates it when he makes me cry and feels so bad after that HE cries! lol
Maybe it’s because now that I am off these stupid ADHD meds that don’t work for me I can actually THINK and act calmly.
Thank you all for all your info and support! I really appreciate it! I feel so much better after I come here and you all read my gigantic essays and then you even write back!!! lol
I’m glad I came back! Whew!!!
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I’ve been speaking to him quite calmly, no yelling. I did have to leave the house once in the car because of his hostility toward me: can’t remember if I mentioned that day already. I have to isolate myself outside or in another room sometimes, but so far he hasn’t rattled me like that day I cried so hard after returning home from errands that I had to take a tiny piece of clonazepam before I could stop bawling my eyes out.
I have to give him some credit.
He hates it when he makes me cry and feels so bad after that HE cries! lol
Maybe it’s because now that I am off these stupid ADHD meds that don’t work for me I can actually THINK and act calmly.
Thank you all for all your info and support! I really appreciate it! I feel so much better after I come here and you all read my gigantic essays and then you even write back!!! lol
I’m glad I came back! Whew!!!
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OMG! My husband showed me the screen where he canceled his subscription to “World of Warcraft!” That was yesterday...
Today he said he’s going to call a Physio place. And he DID! He just needs to fill out an online form!
I’m thinking, “What is HAPPENING????”
It’s a miracle!!!!!
I’m just floored... In the best way possible!!! I didn’t think he would get around to it until after we had dealt with the financial issues.
He told his friend who had come over yesterday that he was going to wait on that until after we had dealt with the financial issues... But maybe saying that out loud made him start thinking about “Why NOT go to Physio?” I can only speculate that maybe his buddy messaged him.
David listens to men’s advice over mine or his mom’s... He calls it “Hen Pecking” when either of us try to talk to him. It’s so annoying. It’s probably because he’s heard things from us so many times that he’s tuned us out, because we’re having conversations pretty much every day (not just advice, but regular discourse, etc). lol
It’s NOT just nagging when his BUDDIES ask/talk to him about why he does or doesn’t do certain things. It’s not “Hen Pecking” if his male friends encourage/motivate David.
Do you think it’s because when his friends/mentors echo what we ladies are saying, THEN it hits him that maybe his mom & his wife might be making some sense! lol It makes him stop and think, “Hmmm. Maybe those women in my life really know what they’re talking about once in a while.” lol
Anyone else familiar with this phenomenon??? lol lol
Whatever works. Doesn’t have to be me who convinces him. More power to him if David’s coming back to his old self and coming to these conclusions on his own!
I’m crossing my fingers. [emoji38]
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Today he said he’s going to call a Physio place. And he DID! He just needs to fill out an online form!
I’m thinking, “What is HAPPENING????”
It’s a miracle!!!!!
I’m just floored... In the best way possible!!! I didn’t think he would get around to it until after we had dealt with the financial issues.
He told his friend who had come over yesterday that he was going to wait on that until after we had dealt with the financial issues... But maybe saying that out loud made him start thinking about “Why NOT go to Physio?” I can only speculate that maybe his buddy messaged him.
David listens to men’s advice over mine or his mom’s... He calls it “Hen Pecking” when either of us try to talk to him. It’s so annoying. It’s probably because he’s heard things from us so many times that he’s tuned us out, because we’re having conversations pretty much every day (not just advice, but regular discourse, etc). lol
It’s NOT just nagging when his BUDDIES ask/talk to him about why he does or doesn’t do certain things. It’s not “Hen Pecking” if his male friends encourage/motivate David.
Do you think it’s because when his friends/mentors echo what we ladies are saying, THEN it hits him that maybe his mom & his wife might be making some sense! lol It makes him stop and think, “Hmmm. Maybe those women in my life really know what they’re talking about once in a while.” lol
Anyone else familiar with this phenomenon??? lol lol
Whatever works. Doesn’t have to be me who convinces him. More power to him if David’s coming back to his old self and coming to these conclusions on his own!
I’m crossing my fingers. [emoji38]
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In a way. If I give my husband any advice regarding how to take better care of his back, etc. it will likely be tossed like yesterday's garbage unless a doctor says it. Then he gives the doctor all/most of the credit
And my husband kept saying an adjustable bed wouldn't help his back. So after a few months, I just bought the adjustable bed anyway
Now he gets out of bed a lot easier with less pain.
Going on a tangent, it also reminds me of resistance in therapy. And discussions if resistance should even be a thing, e.g. solution-focused therapy where it is assumed clients are growing/changing all the time, even if the therapist doesn't see it.
But I noticed "whining" about some things to my husband has helped and vice versa. Kindof like the video Gooblax posted where it helps to make things clear what you want (in addition to the patience-of-a-saint positive reinforcement for incremental changes).
Huh... This puzzles me. I don’t get why anyone wouldn’t want to go to a doctor... I guess it can depend on the doctor. And also, I think the reason my husband had delayed Physio for so long is that he’s worried about the pain. Which is understandable... To a point...
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Is he showing any interest at all in an eye exam?
Well, he’s showing a lot more interest in self-care lately, and we already have this big financial thing to deal with and fill out forms and other processes together... It seems the more I say nothing, the more he eventually does on his own. He mentioned his eyes: “I really should get glasses.” So we might be heading in the right direction there.
I’m more concerned that he hasn’t seen a psychiatrist yet, even though he has a reference. I think he’s up to it, because I think he understands that if he applies for disability or social assistance, they will need proof that he IS trying to get all the help he can get.
Acknowledging that he needs these things is a huge difference to his defensiveness/denial and saying he’s “fine.” I need to at least TRY not to bringing things up unless absolutely necessary.
Thanks for your concern, Daniel!
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I’m more concerned that he hasn’t seen a psychiatrist yet, even though he has a reference. I think he’s up to it, because I think he understands that if he applies for disability or social assistance, they will need proof that he IS trying to get all the help he can get.
Acknowledging that he needs these things is a huge difference to his defensiveness/denial and saying he’s “fine.” I need to at least TRY not to bringing things up unless absolutely necessary.
Thanks for your concern, Daniel!
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