Just a bit anxious

[Auburn]

The day is creeping up and I am really feeling the effects. Sleeping is a bit of an issue, but I am muddling through. This will be the first year that I have worked on the actual anniversary. That is bothering me. I would much rather be at home with Dave. I am just struggling a bit, and really felt like I needed to stop in here.
Thanks everyone

 

[Cat Dancer]

:hug: :hug:

I wish I could think of the right words to say, but just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts as you deal with this difficult time.

:hug:

 

[Into The Light]

would being at work be a good thing in terms of distraction at all?

 

[Auburn]

Thanks Janet, it does help. You all understand me more than anyone, except for Dave. ladybug, I know that being at work will help me a bit, but, I don't like that Dave will be alone. I just worry how he will handle the day.
I don't feel well at all today. Not anything specific, just overall. I think it might have alot to do with this week, and not sleeping very well. The nightmares have started again, not as serious by any means, but enough to wake me constantly through the night.
I know it will get better, I do know that. But as that day gets closer, it feels like the walls just close in. Makes me angry with myself. But, I am trying to just get through each day. Thanks guys.

 

[Into The Light]

i hadn't thought of that, that dave will be alone. maybe you could talk to him about your concerns and agree to a few things for that day? then you both might worry less about one another.

have you spoken to your doctor about the nightmares waking you? i am wondering if maybe you could use a bit of help with sleep to get through this period better.

your comment on getting angry with yourself for how you are feeling made me think of a post that might be helpful to you, Triggers, flashbacks, tips for survivors - Psychlinks Psychology and Self-Help Forum. it describes what a trigger and what flashbacks are and i don't know if those descriptions would trigger anything in you right now, so maybe just take a look at the tips for survivors part.

 

[Auburn]

Thanks hun, I did read that. I pretty much read anything that gets posted! I haven't had full on flashbacks for awhile, thankfully. I get flashes right now, but I can usually get them under control pretty quick. I have had a few bad moments, but still managed them. the nightmares I expect to pass as this time passes. I hope anyway. I am just assuming that it is because of this time of year.
I think I will re-read that article and see if there is anything else I might glean from it. I may have to talk to my doctor about the sleeping. It is really starting to wear me down. And I know that everything seems worse once I am sooo tired. Thank you again. I will be back later.

 

[Auburn]

I am not doing good today, and really had to force myself to come to work. I am feeling very panicky and on the verge of tears. I am using any grounding I can think of, but it is isn't working as well as I need it to. And I am having trouble making eye contact with my friends. I am embarrassed and don't want them to see. This day is just never going to end.

 

[Into The Light]

is today the day? or is it still to come?

many hugs. :hug::hug:

 

[Auburn]

Still to come ladybug. I just need to make it through this month, somehow.

 

[Into The Light]

you will make it through this month, somehow. you've got the forum as well as your husband. maybe showing your vulnerability with your friends might help them understand that this was truly traumatic and that you need support. i think the more support you can surround yourself with, the better. but even if you don't feel comfortable with this with your friends, you are not alone.

 

[Auburn]

Thankfully, I have this place and all of you. I know that this forum has saved my sanity on more than a few occasions. I took a sleeping pill last night, and I slept like the dead, but was still very tired today. The emotional drain of this is just numbing. I am just waiting for Dave to go to work and then I am going right to bed. Today was so hard at work. One of my co-workers is a wonderful woman and took me aside to talk. And of course, I just ended up crying. I just wanted to be home. My new manager knows what happened, but I don't think she realizes the severity of the trauma that it has left behind. And today I just couldn't talk to her about it. My one girlfriend came and had lunch with me cause she knows what I am going through right now. I just don't understand why it is hitting me so hard this year. Maybe because I had to explain it to my oldest girl. I am not sure. Today I had the first full on flashback in so long. And it had to be at work. Thak goodness I was in the admin room doing paperwork. But, it took alot to work my way out of it. I haven't had one like this in so long, I think that almost made it harder.
We have so many new girls now at the bank, and that is hard too. They are used to me one way, smiling, and when I am feeling panicky and stressed, they have no idea why. And to be honest, I really don't feel like telling them right now. So, I feel bad for them, but at the same time, I am just not in a position to make them understand. It is all just so exhausting. I just can't seem to get a hold of it this time. That scares me. I felt like I had made progress, but this makes me wonder.
Thanks ladybug. I know you are always there. And everyone else in here too. You are lifelines to me.

 

[HA]

The issue with your daughter having to deal with this knowledge of how her grandpa died would definitely increase your stress around this terrible loss. You will get through this Auburn. I don't know how you manage as well as you do.

:hug:

 

[Auburn]

Thank you HeartArt. I don't think I could get through without all of you.