I'm a bit scared

[Lonewolf]

Tonight, I did something I have been so frightened of doing for years and years! I rang 'rape crisis' to make appointment to start counseling! I have been attending a mental health based group for a while and have been appointed a worker! Had a meeting with her and briefly told her what has been my main struggles! I saw her again tonight and she had the information for the local 'rape crisis', I rang them with her support and I now need to wait for a therapist to become available! I have very mixed emotions about all of this , mainly nervous! This worker also thinks I need the help of the mental health service, but I am not so happy about that because I don't want to trust them just so that they can drop me like a sack of **** when they feel like it? (has happened to me once!) I couldn't cope with that again!!

Just need help to calm myself down if that's ok? got myself a bit worked up! :facepalm:

 

[Retired]

Re: Im a bit scared!

It probably took a great deal of courage on your part to make such an important decision, which should help you progress to regain control of your life, your moods and your emotions.

I would urge you to follow the advice of the person who is assisting you without forming preconceived ideas of what might happen. Concern yourself with getting the help you need, working toward getting better, and if any changes occur, deal with them as they come along.

Worrying about what might happen inevitably causes our thinking to imagine the worst possible scenario.

In the meantime, give yourself a pat on the back and take satisfaction for making this first step toward your recovery.

 

[MHealthJo]

Oh my gosh, I am thrilled! I am so, so happy and proud of you, honey!!
:butterfly: :butterfly: :butterfly:

Yes, Steve's advice is excellent. Deal with things when and if they come. Chat here if worries or foreboding come, and maybe we can talk you through them.

So proud of you, this is a big and positive step. I hope some of the fear can subside a little so you can feel a little of the pride you deserve in taking a new positive step. xoxo

 

[forgetmenot]

Wow hun you did great you deserve to get all the support you can

Perhaps you can talk to your councilor about the fear of being dropped that way you can get reassurance that it won't happen hugs

 

[Lonewolf]

I just can't wash it off! I feel disgusting! I wish I could grow a whole new skin! I haven't started the therapy yet and I don't know when its going to start, things are so tough, I wish it had!! Since requesting it and saying out load some of the things that have happened, so many memories and feelings have been flooding to the surface and im struggling to cope with them on my own! I normally feel safe hiding under my duvet, but not at the moment! I don't know if its appropriate to say why, but I will say it doesn't seem safe anymore! im sorry

 

[forgetmenot]

thereeper please call the office and tell them how you are feeling and see if they can fit you in sooner if there is a cancellation or something if not still leave a msg with therapist stating how you are feeling ok and that you need hellp as soon as possible hugs

 

[Lonewolf]

I will try!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Thinking of you mate.....

Don't forget Lifeline/Samaritans etc if things get bad... or talk to us some more here....xox

 

[Lonewolf]

Told today that i need to wait 6 more months for a therapist to become available apparently!! At least the medication is numbing any emotions I have been overwhelmed with!! I can't really think straight with these pills, but maybe that's a good thing?? I haven't really dealt with past or present issues but at least I don't feel anything anymore!! In fact, I am very dopey at the moment!!

 

[Harebells]

Hi Lonewolf, wow that's such a long wait. Sorry to hear that when you were so brave to ask for help. How do you feel about it? Do you know if there are any low cost counselling places near you or anything so you could at least get some support in the mean time? (sorry if you've said any of this on other threads already, I'm really new here). By the way I know that feeling of being dropped like a sack of *** by mental health services - it's the worst! Anyway I'm in the same time zone as you (!) and around for a bit if you want to chat/vent.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Lonewolf i am so sorry for the long wait for a therapist it is so bad it seems everywhere. I am glad you are on some medication to help numb the sadness some
The meds will not always keep you so drowsy your body will adjust to them ok

 

[Lonewolf]

I have looked around for a different therapist, but the only others I have found are well out of my budget!!!!
My meds were only increased 2 weeks ago by the GP and they are knocking me sideways, so all those nasty thoughts don't have any emotions and the overwhelming emotions have gone to sleep

It's a little annoying that I've got 6 months to wait still since I asked for help in November, last year!! I am aware that there are lots of people needing help out there and it's just a case of waiting your turn!!

I don't feel like a female! I'm more of an 'it' really!

 

[Harebells]

Yeah it's a shame that therapy can be so unaffordable and usually it's the people who really need it who won't be able to pay for it. I think some websites like turn2me offer online counselling which is a bit cheaper, but still not that cheap I think, I can't really remember. sorry I'm sure you've thought of all this already, I just wish I knew of something to help you... I hope it helps to come on here anyway. Glad the meds are taking the edge of the emotions anyway, hopefully they will get you through for the next while even though it's not really ideal. You are definitely not an it, whether you identify with a gender or not, but I'm sorry if not feeling like a female is something that's distressing you ((hugs)) x

 

[Lonewolf]

I haven't really felt like a female for a long, long time!! Infact I think that if I did, I feel so much more vulnerable than I already do!! From a young age, I have tried so hard to be more masculine (physically and metally) simply as a form of self-protection!! Not that it has worked out for me!!! I have tried to be nasty to push people away, I have tried to disguise myself as a man because I think men are less likely to be r***d, I have even tried to get the GP to help me in way of breast reduction or ultimately removal so that again, I appear more like a male, but because of my mental health issues, it didn't even get a second thought by them!!

I have never owned a skirt and i always buy mens jeans and shirts and shoes cos i feel more comfortable thinking other people see me as a man!!

Deep down i don't think i could ever feel comfortable in my own skin!!

 

[Harebells]

So is it that you feel like someone who would rather have a male identity anyway, as part of who you are, or is it more that being female has made you feel so vulnerable and it's something that has been taken from you, or both? (only answer if you want of course) It sounds like it's really distressing for you anyway, I'm so sorry your gp didn't really listen to you about that and that it didn't help as self-protection.

 

[Lonewolf]

Its both I think lol!! I sometimes wish I was a man because of the r*** thing, although I am aware it can happen to men as well!!! I think my femininity has been stolen from me and I have never rediscovered it!! Maybe too late now!! I call myself an 'it' because I am a female on the outside, but im neither on the inside! Sad but very true!!!

 

[Harebells]

I hope you can rediscover it...if you want to and as much as you want to. It's so sad and so unjust that it was stolen from you. You are still just as much a person even if you don't feel male or female, gender is only part of a person. I know that's really easy to say though and I don't mean to diminish what you're going through, not at all. x

 

[Lonewolf]

I don't think I will ever feel safe or secure enough ever again, lol!! Thanks for hearing me though! I think I have had an identity crisis for most of my existence in one way or another!!! It's good to know that there are people out there that just accept people for who they are and not what they are or by what has happened to them!! Even though it's almost impossible for them to accept themselves! !!

 

[Harebells]

You're welcome hon! I really wish that you will feel safe again some day (as soon as possible!!) because you so deserve it, not that you need to deserve it - it's your basic right. Going to sleep now but hope to chat to you again soon. (I love your avatar pic by the way, so beautiful!)
Good night and hope you are ok x

 

[Harebells]

How are you today Lonewolf?