Just don't know what to do anymore

[Aurelia]

I've been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), ADHD, Chronic Depression and Sleep Apnea. I am also being treated for GAD though no diagnosis has been made. I am 34 yrs old, in college, living at home with my parents, overweight, and not in a relationship. My father is a rage-aholic, my mom allowed him to emotionally and mentally abuse us. My mom is negative but in a more passive way, always disagreeing with what I say, telling me negative things like 'if only I was beautiful I'd have no problems'. When my brother got older as a child he made fun of me and turned the abuse my dad put on him onto me. In my teens to mid twenties he was abusive as well. Now at 36 and a manager of an ICU unit with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing he doesn't care about any of the issues I'm dealing with. I'm expected to be the way they think I should be and I have no excuse for my behaviour.

I had a psychological assessment done at the college and it identified issues that just made so much sense to me. I have no sense of identity, I escape life by daydreaming constantly. I will actually leave social events I enjoy to go home where I can be alone and mentally go through the fantasy lives I wish I had.

I just don't know what to do to get my life in order. I'm seeing counsellors at the college I go to but one is more like a friend where I talk about my problems and he gives advice and tries to help me feel better about things going on. But I dont' consider it therapy, doesn't seem to be anything like I thought therapy should be. I've felt odd since I was a child.

My disability counsellor at the college thinks that if I exercise and diet I'll feel in control and I'll feel better and it will help me in the other areas of my life. The pyschological assessment suggested cognative therapy but when I bring up the subject the counsellors seem like they don't know what to tell me or help me with or how to refer me.

I know exercise will help alieviate stress and help with the symptoms of the diagnosises I've gotten but I have been unhappy all my life (when i was a child and thin) and feel that there is more to me than just what they are looking at. I was a very shy and overly sensitive child and I'm still sensitive. I can't watch movies where ppl suffer, like mobster movies where ppl are being hurt.

I am on Ritalin, Clonazepam (anti-seizure used for anxiety), Metformin (insulin-resistance), Effexor and I'm taking multivitamins and I have a CPAP machine to keep my airway open for the sleep apnea. While I've only had the CPAP for a week, non of the treatments and diagnosises have helped me feel better.

I have gotten to the point that I dont' trust the medical profession anymore. I have done self development in the past and helped myself feel better but now I have professional help and they aren't doing anything to help me. I feel like the only way I'll get better is if I do it all myself. Sure I should read up on my conditions but what about the cognative behaviour.

I dont' know how to handle stress. When I'm stressed out I get frustrated and I either cry or hit things. I dont' lose control, I know what I'm hitting, which is usually doors and walls I know I can't break and I don't hit hard enough to break bones. I use the heels of my hands and just try to work out the frustration.

My dad has an ugly temper, his dad had one, I swore I'd never have one. I have a temper but I am determined to manage it better than my father does.

I also was tricked into game with a childhood friend that changed me. It was sexual and at that point my brother pointed out I started to hoard and hide food and take on her characteristics. My one counsellor thinks it is an important point in my life and I should address it because I was one person up til then and then I became someone else after that. My other one thinks since I agreed to the game (I sure as hell wouldn't have if she had explained it for what it was) I wasn't sexually assaulted as a child. This friend was sexually assaulted as a child by an older relative and I believe she continued the abuse with me but she became the abuser.

I have so many issues and I've had this lingering loneliness and unhappiness all my life and I'm tired and want to make the most of my life. I need direction but I'm not gettting it from the college, I dont' think they are fully educated like a cognative therapist is which is why I think I need to speak with one but I dont' know what I need in one and they are not helping.

Yeah just start exercising and lose some weight and that will help you symptoms and low self esteem and all will be well (when I'm dead).

And while I wish I was dead I am not suicidal. I'm afraid of pain and I don't want to kill myself, I just dont' want to live this life anymore. I want the kind of life I feel I deserve in life.

I wish there was a way to erase everything in my head and start over with a blank slate.

Any ideas on cognative therapists?

 

[Aurelia]

I've been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), ADHD, Chronic Depression and Sleep Apnea. I am also being treated for GAD though no diagnosis has been made. I am 34 yrs old, in college, living at home with my parents, overweight, and not in a relationship. My father is a rage-aholic, my mom allowed him to emotionally and mentally abuse us. My mom is negative but in a more passive way, always disagreeing with what I say, telling me negative things like 'if only I was beautiful I'd have no problems'. When my brother got older as a child he made fun of me and turned the abuse my dad put on him onto me. In my teens to mid twenties he was abusive as well. Now at 36 and a manager of an ICU unit with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing he doesn't care about any of the issues I'm dealing with. I'm expected to be the way they think I should be and I have no excuse for my behaviour.

I had a psychological assessment done at the college and it identified issues that just made so much sense to me. I have no sense of identity, I escape life by daydreaming constantly. I will actually leave social events I enjoy to go home where I can be alone and mentally go through the fantasy lives I wish I had.

I just don't know what to do to get my life in order. I'm seeing counsellors at the college I go to but one is more like a friend where I talk about my problems and he gives advice and tries to help me feel better about things going on. But I dont' consider it therapy, doesn't seem to be anything like I thought therapy should be. I've felt odd since I was a child.

My disability counsellor at the college thinks that if I exercise and diet I'll feel in control and I'll feel better and it will help me in the other areas of my life. The pyschological assessment suggested cognative therapy but when I bring up the subject the counsellors seem like they don't know what to tell me or help me with or how to refer me.

I know exercise will help alieviate stress and help with the symptoms of the diagnosises I've gotten but I have been unhappy all my life (when i was a child and thin) and feel that there is more to me than just what they are looking at. I was a very shy and overly sensitive child and I'm still sensitive. I can't watch movies where ppl suffer, like mobster movies where ppl are being hurt.

I am on Ritalin, Clonazepam (anti-seizure used for anxiety), Metformin (insulin-resistance), Effexor and I'm taking multivitamins and I have a CPAP machine to keep my airway open for the sleep apnea. While I've only had the CPAP for a week, non of the treatments and diagnosises have helped me feel better.

I have gotten to the point that I dont' trust the medical profession anymore. I have done self development in the past and helped myself feel better but now I have professional help and they aren't doing anything to help me. I feel like the only way I'll get better is if I do it all myself. Sure I should read up on my conditions but what about the cognative behaviour.

I dont' know how to handle stress. When I'm stressed out I get frustrated and I either cry or hit things. I dont' lose control, I know what I'm hitting, which is usually doors and walls I know I can't break and I don't hit hard enough to break bones. I use the heels of my hands and just try to work out the frustration.

My dad has an ugly temper, his dad had one, I swore I'd never have one. I have a temper but I am determined to manage it better than my father does.

I also was tricked into game with a childhood friend that changed me. It was sexual and at that point my brother pointed out I started to hoard and hide food and take on her characteristics. My one counsellor thinks it is an important point in my life and I should address it because I was one person up til then and then I became someone else after that. My other one thinks since I agreed to the game (I sure as hell wouldn't have if she had explained it for what it was) I wasn't sexually assaulted as a child. This friend was sexually assaulted as a child by an older relative and I believe she continued the abuse with me but she became the abuser.

I have so many issues and I've had this lingering loneliness and unhappiness all my life and I'm tired and want to make the most of my life. I need direction but I'm not gettting it from the college, I dont' think they are fully educated like a cognative therapist is which is why I think I need to speak with one but I dont' know what I need in one and they are not helping.

Yeah just start exercising and lose some weight and that will help you symptoms and low self esteem and all will be well (when I'm dead).

And while I wish I was dead I am not suicidal. I'm afraid of pain and I don't want to kill myself, I just dont' want to live this life anymore. I want the kind of life I feel I deserve in life.

I wish there was a way to erase everything in my head and start over with a blank slate.

Any ideas on cognative therapists?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Much as I hate to say this, based on what you say here, I fear that counselors you are seeing may be in over their heads -- I wonder if they have the training or expertise to help you with your issues.

You might be further ahead to think about trying to see a psychologist or alternatively a psychiatrist who actually does psychotherapy and doesn't just dispense medications...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Much as I hate to say this, based on what you say here, I fear that counselors you are seeing may be in over their heads -- I wonder if they have the training or expertise to help you with your issues.

You might be further ahead to think about trying to see a psychologist or alternatively a psychiatrist who actually does psychotherapy and doesn't just dispense medications...

 

[Daniel E.]

The only couselor/therapist I didn't like was a counselor at my college's psychology clinic, which was free to full-time students. The counselor implied that I would go to hell if I committed suicide. I was too depressed to report him

So I easily agree that you will get better treatment seeing a psychologist.

 

[Daniel E.]

The only couselor/therapist I didn't like was a counselor at my college's psychology clinic, which was free to full-time students. The counselor implied that I would go to hell if I committed suicide. I was too depressed to report him

So I easily agree that you will get better treatment seeing a psychologist.

 

[ThatLady]

I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Baxter and Daniel. You really need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist for the issues with which you're dealing. It's not so easy as to flip a switch and say: "Now, I'm going to do it all differently."

Good nutrition and exercise are, indeed, important. They can help your symptoms in a number of ways. However, some people aren't really able to bring themselves to exercise and eat properly until they have their "demons" under control. Since you're insulin resistant, the exercise and diet is critical to your future health. Loss of weight will probably allow you to do without the CPAP. Therapy may well help you reduce the number of medications you're taking and, thereby, the side effects you're experiencing. If you can bring yourself to exercise, even starting with just five minutes a day and slowly increasing, you'll begin to feel the difference, although it won't be instantaneous. We have to remember, it's not a rapid process. Diet control is another issue, and you may well need the help of a therapist to make your efforts more fruitful.

Good luck, hon. I really hope you can find a good therapist, as you sound like someone who really has the impetus for change. All you need is the right help. )

 

[ThatLady]

I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Baxter and Daniel. You really need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist for the issues with which you're dealing. It's not so easy as to flip a switch and say: "Now, I'm going to do it all differently."

Good nutrition and exercise are, indeed, important. They can help your symptoms in a number of ways. However, some people aren't really able to bring themselves to exercise and eat properly until they have their "demons" under control. Since you're insulin resistant, the exercise and diet is critical to your future health. Loss of weight will probably allow you to do without the CPAP. Therapy may well help you reduce the number of medications you're taking and, thereby, the side effects you're experiencing. If you can bring yourself to exercise, even starting with just five minutes a day and slowly increasing, you'll begin to feel the difference, although it won't be instantaneous. We have to remember, it's not a rapid process. Diet control is another issue, and you may well need the help of a therapist to make your efforts more fruitful.

Good luck, hon. I really hope you can find a good therapist, as you sound like someone who really has the impetus for change. All you need is the right help. )

 

[Aurelia]

Thanks for the replies!

I do believe that I need a psychologist but when I approach the subject my Disability Counsellor says she is afraid to send me to one who would not be suited to me and needs more to go on before she refers me to one. They have psychologists on campus but they do the psychological profiles and teach and dont' really do counselling. My psychiatrist also doesn't counsel many clients.

I have made plans to go swimming with my mom once a week because she needs to lose weight too and with a friend from work. So I think I will request a referal regardless of what she thinks. My best friend spoke of a friend who say a registered (? or is it certified) pyschologist and the therapy was more indepth and helped him a great deal.

Thanks for the input and support!
Linda

 

[Aurelia]

Thanks for the replies!

I do believe that I need a psychologist but when I approach the subject my Disability Counsellor says she is afraid to send me to one who would not be suited to me and needs more to go on before she refers me to one. They have psychologists on campus but they do the psychological profiles and teach and dont' really do counselling. My psychiatrist also doesn't counsel many clients.

I have made plans to go swimming with my mom once a week because she needs to lose weight too and with a friend from work. So I think I will request a referal regardless of what she thinks. My best friend spoke of a friend who say a registered (? or is it certified) pyschologist and the therapy was more indepth and helped him a great deal.

Thanks for the input and support!
Linda