Loneliness

[A Crow Left of the Murder]

I don't know why I'm lonely. I don't understand why I'm unable to make friends. Vanity and political correctness aside for a moment (excuse me while I self-indulge for the purpose of clarity): I'm a good looking 19 year old guy. I dress nice. I don't think I'm that socially awkward. I can be intelligent and down-to-earth. I'm open minded. I'm easy to get along with. I'm not argumentative... So, why the fuck do I find it so bloody hard to make friends!? At my age, I just can't get in with a group of people. The groups are already established. Nobody wants to take me in. I just don't understand it. I've been depressed most of my teenage life because of this. What makes it worse is that not having any friends is a vicious, perpetual cycle. You need friends to make friends.

I don't have any siblings. I don't know my father. I hardly talk to any of my cousins or other family members. My mother and I are completely different people with totally different views on life. Who the heck do I turn to? Nobody wants to be around a lonely person.

I've had the opportunity to go out with a lot of great girls these past few years, but I never go through with it. We go on a few dates, have a great time and then I realize I can't let her find out what a complete loser I am. Who would ever want to go out with some idiot that has no friends? It's all such a damn paradox!

I start college this September. I wish I were going away for it though. Then at least I'd have an excuse for not having any friends. There would be tons of people in my situation, thus making its easy to get in with a group. But alas, I'll be living at home to save money, going to a local University. Wish me luck anyways.

Do you think antidepressants would make the loneliness go away? I just can't take it anymore. It's too much pain.

 

[A Crow Left of the Murder]

I don't know why I'm lonely. I don't understand why I'm unable to make friends. Vanity and political correctness aside for a moment (excuse me while I self-indulge for the purpose of clarity): I'm a good looking 19 year old guy. I dress nice. I don't think I'm that socially awkward. I can be intelligent and down-to-earth. I'm open minded. I'm easy to get along with. I'm not argumentative... So, why the fuck do I find it so bloody hard to make friends!? At my age, I just can't get in with a group of people. The groups are already established. Nobody wants to take me in. I just don't understand it. I've been depressed most of my teenage life because of this. What makes it worse is that not having any friends is a vicious, perpetual cycle. You need friends to make friends.

I don't have any siblings. I don't know my father. I hardly talk to any of my cousins or other family members. My mother and I are completely different people with totally different views on life. Who the heck do I turn to? Nobody wants to be around a lonely person.

I've had the opportunity to go out with a lot of great girls these past few years, but I never go through with it. We go on a few dates, have a great time and then I realize I can't let her find out what a complete loser I am. Who would ever want to go out with some idiot that has no friends? It's all such a damn paradox!

I start college this September. I wish I were going away for it though. Then at least I'd have an excuse for not having any friends. There would be tons of people in my situation, thus making its easy to get in with a group. But alas, I'll be living at home to save money, going to a local University. Wish me luck anyways.

Do you think antidepressants would make the loneliness go away? I just can't take it anymore. It's too much pain.

 

[Daniel E.]

I start college this September...

Some people turn into social butterflies at college. One of my friends in high school made a lot of friends after he joined clubs at college. He lived at home with his mother, BTW, until he finished his master's degree. So living at home is not necessarily a social speed bump.

 

[Daniel E.]

I start college this September...

Some people turn into social butterflies at college. One of my friends in high school made a lot of friends after he joined clubs at college. He lived at home with his mother, BTW, until he finished his master's degree. So living at home is not necessarily a social speed bump.

 

[Daniel E.]

Some self-help articles from the counseling center at the University of Texas at Dallas:

Solutions for Loneliness

Overcoming Social Anxiety

Building Better Relationships

 

[Daniel E.]

Some self-help articles from the counseling center at the University of Texas at Dallas:

Solutions for Loneliness

Overcoming Social Anxiety

Building Better Relationships

 

[A Crow Left of the Murder]

Daniel, I don't suffer from social anxiety disorder. I can socialize with people just fine. My problem is that I moved to a new area two years ago and cannot, for the life of me, get involved in a group of friends. Believe me, I try my best. I've asked people at work out to the bar, concerts, etc, and some have taken me up on the offer, but none of them call me and ask to do something in return. I've come to the conclusion that it's imposable to integrate into a group of people when you reach a certain age.

Thanks for the articles though.

 

[A Crow Left of the Murder]

Daniel, I don't suffer from social anxiety disorder. I can socialize with people just fine. My problem is that I moved to a new area two years ago and cannot, for the life of me, get involved in a group of friends. Believe me, I try my best. I've asked people at work out to the bar, concerts, etc, and some have taken me up on the offer, but none of them call me and ask to do something in return. I've come to the conclusion that it's imposable to integrate into a group of people when you reach a certain age.

Thanks for the articles though.

 

[Daniel E.]

You haven't started college yet, but you may find which college clubs are available by going to your college's website. That may help you see what I believe---that it's often much easier to find people with your same interests in college. Even community colleges have college clubs with some having over 40 different clubs. At large colleges like the University of Florida, there are so many different clubs that they often interfere with student studies.

I've had the opportunity to go out with a lot of great girls these past few years, but I never go through with it. We go on a few dates, have a great time and then I realize I can't let her find out what a complete loser I am. Who would ever want to go out with some idiot that has no friends? It's all such a damn paradox!

Well, this is where I got the idea that you may have some shyness or self-esteem problems. Since you aren't shy, you should do well finding friends in college. Also, I don't see a paradox. You don't need friends to be an attractive boyfriend or gain friends. Just say the honest truth--you are in a transition between high school and college. Also, most people have some fear of rejection they have to work through.

Nobody wants to be around a lonely person.

People, generally, don't want to be around needy people who need a lot of attention. That's different, however, from being around a person who currently doesn't have other friends. As long as you don't seem too needy (like Tom Cruise's character in Jeremy McGuire), everything should be fine. When I made friends in high school or college, no one really cared if I had other friends or not.

This seems like good advice:

Think of yourself as a total person. Don't neglect other needs just because your companionship or friendship needs are not being met...

In summary, don't define yourself as a lonely person. No matter how bad you feel, loneliness will lessen or disappear when you focus attention and energy on needs you can currently meet and when you learn to develop new ways to meet your other needs. Don't wait for your feelings to get you going--get going and good feelings will eventually catch up with you.

Loneliness and the College Student

 

[Daniel E.]

You haven't started college yet, but you may find which college clubs are available by going to your college's website. That may help you see what I believe---that it's often much easier to find people with your same interests in college. Even community colleges have college clubs with some having over 40 different clubs. At large colleges like the University of Florida, there are so many different clubs that they often interfere with student studies.

I've had the opportunity to go out with a lot of great girls these past few years, but I never go through with it. We go on a few dates, have a great time and then I realize I can't let her find out what a complete loser I am. Who would ever want to go out with some idiot that has no friends? It's all such a damn paradox!

Well, this is where I got the idea that you may have some shyness or self-esteem problems. Since you aren't shy, you should do well finding friends in college. Also, I don't see a paradox. You don't need friends to be an attractive boyfriend or gain friends. Just say the honest truth--you are in a transition between high school and college. Also, most people have some fear of rejection they have to work through.

Nobody wants to be around a lonely person.

People, generally, don't want to be around needy people who need a lot of attention. That's different, however, from being around a person who currently doesn't have other friends. As long as you don't seem too needy (like Tom Cruise's character in Jeremy McGuire), everything should be fine. When I made friends in high school or college, no one really cared if I had other friends or not.

This seems like good advice:

Think of yourself as a total person. Don't neglect other needs just because your companionship or friendship needs are not being met...

In summary, don't define yourself as a lonely person. No matter how bad you feel, loneliness will lessen or disappear when you focus attention and energy on needs you can currently meet and when you learn to develop new ways to meet your other needs. Don't wait for your feelings to get you going--get going and good feelings will eventually catch up with you.

Loneliness and the College Student

 

[ThatLady]

Another thing to keep in mind is that college is VERY different from highschool. The same person who felt like a wallflower in highschool often blossoms in college, just because the venues are so different. If you go in with a positive attitude, a ready smile, and a willingness to BE a friend, you may well find that there are others who are just as willing as you are.

One thing that will be important is to get over the feeling that you're "a complete loser", or "some idiot that has no friends". That's not who you are, at all. You're starting down a new path, hon. Identify with the future and leave the past behind. )

 

[ThatLady]

Another thing to keep in mind is that college is VERY different from highschool. The same person who felt like a wallflower in highschool often blossoms in college, just because the venues are so different. If you go in with a positive attitude, a ready smile, and a willingness to BE a friend, you may well find that there are others who are just as willing as you are.

One thing that will be important is to get over the feeling that you're "a complete loser", or "some idiot that has no friends". That's not who you are, at all. You're starting down a new path, hon. Identify with the future and leave the past behind. )

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, I find your username ("A Crow Left of the Murder") to be a rather positive one. It reminds me of Nietzsche's discussions about not following the herd.

For those who have never heard of the phrase "a crow left of the murder" or the Incubus album of the same name:

The first thing you should know this Incubus song/album is that a flock of crows is called a "murder." So if you are a "crow left of the murder" you are the one that doesn't fly with the flock. Meaning, you are living your life for yourself instead of just following society. The crow left of the murder doesn't fly with the flock.

Source: Bartley, Dec 30, 2004

Urban Dictionary

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, I find your username ("A Crow Left of the Murder") to be a rather positive one. It reminds me of Nietzsche's discussions about not following the herd.

For those who have never heard of the phrase "a crow left of the murder" or the Incubus album of the same name:

The first thing you should know this Incubus song/album is that a flock of crows is called a "murder." So if you are a "crow left of the murder" you are the one that doesn't fly with the flock. Meaning, you are living your life for yourself instead of just following society. The crow left of the murder doesn't fly with the flock.

Source: Bartley, Dec 30, 2004

Urban Dictionary

 

[drawrod]

I would like to say that I sympathise with you, since I felt the same way(and sometimes still do) in how it seemed to be easier to make friends when you are younger. It is almost as if people are more accepting when they are younger while people in their late teens and early twenties require friends to be carbon copies of themselves-this is merely insecurities in themselves

I also understand your concern that people seem to gravitate around popular people but you should realise that these people have social issues also and require groups to define themselves.

It's nice to have friends though so putting it out there that you have great potential to be a good friend to someone is important- being a good listener and being there for people is a way of keeping friends.

Individuality is a good thing but sometimes people advise finding common interests with people you would be like to be friends with.

 

[drawrod]

I would like to say that I sympathise with you, since I felt the same way(and sometimes still do) in how it seemed to be easier to make friends when you are younger. It is almost as if people are more accepting when they are younger while people in their late teens and early twenties require friends to be carbon copies of themselves-this is merely insecurities in themselves

I also understand your concern that people seem to gravitate around popular people but you should realise that these people have social issues also and require groups to define themselves.

It's nice to have friends though so putting it out there that you have great potential to be a good friend to someone is important- being a good listener and being there for people is a way of keeping friends.

Individuality is a good thing but sometimes people advise finding common interests with people you would be like to be friends with.

 

[Lana]

Hi Crow;
There are so many great and wise replies here for you. When learning to drive, the one lesson that stuck is that we tend to direct our vehicle in the direction that we are looking. So, if we look to the sides while we're driving straight, chances are we will steer towards the side we're looking at.

What would happen if you were to focus on the fact that you are:

I'm a good looking 19 year old guy. I dress nice. I don't think I'm that socially awkward. I can be intelligent and down-to-earth. I'm open minded. I'm easy to get along with. I'm not argumentative

Make that your aim, your desitnation. It is who you are. Everything else is "sight seeing".

Here's a quote that I found helpful for me. Maybe it'll have something in it for you as well.

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Choose your words, for they become actions. Understand your actions, for they become habits. Study your habits, for they will become your character. Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny."

 

[Lana]

Hi Crow;
There are so many great and wise replies here for you. When learning to drive, the one lesson that stuck is that we tend to direct our vehicle in the direction that we are looking. So, if we look to the sides while we're driving straight, chances are we will steer towards the side we're looking at.

What would happen if you were to focus on the fact that you are:

I'm a good looking 19 year old guy. I dress nice. I don't think I'm that socially awkward. I can be intelligent and down-to-earth. I'm open minded. I'm easy to get along with. I'm not argumentative

Make that your aim, your desitnation. It is who you are. Everything else is "sight seeing".

Here's a quote that I found helpful for me. Maybe it'll have something in it for you as well.

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Choose your words, for they become actions. Understand your actions, for they become habits. Study your habits, for they will become your character. Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny."