More threads by Serenity


I am feeling really crappy. I have a friend who I"ve known since we were in kindergarten (Im now 40), who throughout the years, was always the kind of bossy type. I like her, but she gets angry often and pouts. I always seem to have to do things her way and then she won't speak to me for months. They are never really big issues so I let them go but about 1.5 years ago, I took her out to dinner and told her how I felt. It didnt' really go over very well (although I was as gentle as I could be). I spoke of my needs and type of friendships I was looking for in life etc and that I wanted one with her but a bit more balanced. Anyhow, but the end of the meal, she calmed down and seemed to get it.

Anyhow, in September she got a call from my ex husband and he told her he was worried about me. Imagine. I was quite depressed and had lost a lot of weight and struggled to make it though. I was indeed a mess but .. miraculously, with a lot of help from friends and great Therapist, I got through it. Thank God. Anyhow, again, it had been 6 months since we had spoke for some reason but I wasn't about to contact her again. So,after my ex called her, she called me to speak to me and we met.

We met at a restaurant and chatted for a couple of hrs and then came back to my place and chatted more. Things seemed to go well. Then, last week, I emailed her saying hello,'s been a while, let's get together soon, and she wrote me back the NASTIEST email I've ever read.

She basically told me that she never got a word in edgewise, that I obviously did not care about her etc. That we never had a friendship, and it was over. I was basically useless and as she said, 'sucked the life out of her'. I was shaken to the core. She was also very upset because I made myself a party for my 40th birthday becuase I wanted it to be special, and I was single at the time and didn't want my day to come and go without anything special happening. Honestly, I'm sure nothing would have happened for me. So, I did it myself. Anyhow, she also turned 40 and nothing was done for her. So, when she was here, I showed her some pics (not to rub it in, I didn't know nothing happened for her - she has a mate) and told her that it was an incredible day etc.

Since then, I am so afraid I've taxed other relationships. Another friend I was talking to about it said, 'well, parts of the email are true, just let it go'. But, now I am more upset than ever. What's that mean? I suck the life out of all my friendships. I couldn't have been there for anyone during that time. I was trying to get through day by day and that alone was next to impossible. The depression and anxiety was overwhelming. I am afraid of leaning on anyhow. I have another friend that I think feels the same way and she hasn't spoken to me in a while too. So, I am feeling like crap now. I'm a talker and share so much with my friends. I regret it so much. I'm in so much pain. I don't trust easily and feel like I am alone again. I'm scared.

I know somehow I need to let go and move on but I don't know how. I see my T next week and will bring it up then but I'm really focused on it and it's depressing me and I'm feeling anxious.

Has anyone else had this kind of experience? Any suggestions?


David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Serenity, friendships aren't black and white - they exist on many different levels depending on the individuals. Some are basically one-sided, some are truly reciprocal, and some are downright toxic. Often, it takes a crisis of some sort to figure out which friendships are truly reciprocal and mutually nurturing/supportive - interestingly, I've found that the length of the friendship is usually NOT the best indicator of whether or not it's a good relationship.

You really don't need a lot of friends, in my experience - just a small number of real friends, people you can truly count on and who know they can count on you.

Remember this, too: Whatever you may here from a friend or "friend", what you are hearing is that person's opinion - or more accurately it represents the way that person needs to see things. It is his or her reality. That does not mean it has to be YOUR reality. People often have strong and compelling needs to see things (aka distort reality in some cases) in a way which enables them to feel better about themselves and their own situations - a good example of this is how some people reconstruct reality at the end of a relationship.
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