You know, I have had a situation where a friendship was dead and I tried to prolong it by sending e-mails and gifts and doing favours for the person even when I knew in my heart they cared nothing for me. I know your situation isnt the same thing but I found it was such a blow to my self esteem that I kept beating this dead relationship for reasons that I dont even understand to this day. I guess no one likes to feel like they failed or be rejected but as soon as I went cold turkey off the guy I was trying to make like me, my life got better and I stopped worrying about it. Now I have people in my life that care about me, it isn't worth spending time on ones that don't. My thoughts are to not send any more e-mails or messages, let it go and focus on building new relationships. There are so many e-mails I wish I didnt send, I think I probably just made him think even less of me by sending them, not that I care what he thinks but it made me think less of myself if that makes sense.
- Thread starter solitary man
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Misha
Member
I find I have no friends left. It is just so hard for people to deal with the types of crises I go through. Even now as I get healthy there are so many other "sick" people in my life that I have forgotten how to relate to healthy ones. I'm scared I'll never get that back.
ladylore
Account Closed
Misha - you do beautifully on this board. We may go through some difficult time, sometimes very difficult but we are healthy. Just a bit of a different perspective. That means that you are basically healthy yourself. 
I do know what you mean. I know many people but I only a couple of friends (3D) and that in and of itself can be hard to maintain.
Again - you connect very well with the people on here.
I do know what you mean. I know many people but I only a couple of friends (3D) and that in and of itself can be hard to maintain.
Again - you connect very well with the people on here.
Misha
Member
Thank you ladylore....
It's interesting, though, the difference between our online relationships and our 3D ones. I think if I could type my way through life I'd do fine in the real world too....
It's interesting, though, the difference between our online relationships and our 3D ones. I think if I could type my way through life I'd do fine in the real world too....
solitary man
Member
Well I finally wrote the letter that had been rattling around in my head. It felt good to put those thoughts onto paper and I must admit I felt as though a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I waited on sending the letter for about a week, not fully sure if I should have sent it.
When I finally dropped it off into the mail box, I realized that it didn't matter if my ex friend responded or not.
I wish him well.
I waited on sending the letter for about a week, not fully sure if I should have sent it.
When I finally dropped it off into the mail box, I realized that it didn't matter if my ex friend responded or not.
I wish him well.
solitary man
Member
Well I never did hear back from my ex-friend, but just last week I ran into him.
I was getting on the train and saw him getting off the same train a few door down.
At first, I thought I shouldn't go out of my way to say hi, considering the falling out we had.
I decided that if I didn't make the attempt, the "what if" would be left unanswered for the rest of my life, so I got off the train and when up to him to say hi.
He said hi, which surprised me, and I asked him if we could talk.
He said no, and walked away.
Yes, I still miss the friendship we had, and I don't hold any ill feelings towards him.
Life's much too short to hold grudges and I would love to be able to talk again with him.
But he has his own issues to deal with, and I think I could have ended up to be just like him, if I didn't find the courage to make the necessary changes in my life.
I think of all the arguments I've had over the years with family and we always go back to being family after we've had the chance to cool down.
Am I a glutton for punishment? I can barely the argument we had, but I can recall the great times we had together and had really thought that we would have been friends for life.
I was getting on the train and saw him getting off the same train a few door down.
At first, I thought I shouldn't go out of my way to say hi, considering the falling out we had.
I decided that if I didn't make the attempt, the "what if" would be left unanswered for the rest of my life, so I got off the train and when up to him to say hi.
He said hi, which surprised me, and I asked him if we could talk.
He said no, and walked away.
Yes, I still miss the friendship we had, and I don't hold any ill feelings towards him.
Life's much too short to hold grudges and I would love to be able to talk again with him.
But he has his own issues to deal with, and I think I could have ended up to be just like him, if I didn't find the courage to make the necessary changes in my life.
I think of all the arguments I've had over the years with family and we always go back to being family after we've had the chance to cool down.
Am I a glutton for punishment? I can barely the argument we had, but I can recall the great times we had together and had really thought that we would have been friends for life.
Reminds me of the phrase "Friends come and go, but family is forever." Of course, there are people who are better off avoiding some family members, but I digress..
solitary man
Member
That should read " I can barely remember".
If only I could type as fast as I think.:dimples:
Hey solitary man, that's rough. I keep wondering if I'll ever run into my ex-best friend, and what she might say to me. I, too, can't even remember our last argument. I'm sorry to hear that he has held a grudge. You probably know this, but him holding onto those feelings is more poisonous to himself than to you. If he's lucky, he'll realize that someday.
Today, is my ex-friends B-Day. Last year, I sent her a card, no reply. I'm trying to resist contacting her today. I don't think I want any punishment right now.
Today, is my ex-friends B-Day. Last year, I sent her a card, no reply. I'm trying to resist contacting her today. I don't think I want any punishment right now.
tjgrahamcracker
Member
I read through a bit of the posts on this thread but I couldn't finish because of a relationship you called up from my past. I used to believe that there was something wrong with getting angry, but after a very powerful(word i settled on) series of events I came to see that anger is nothing to be ashamed of. In my case I had very intense feelings for a girl and then she completely destroyed my innocence with her bad intentions. I tried to cut it off with her several times.... But every time I would just apologize and given time we would be back into the exact same destructive cycle... After almost 5 years I finally came to realize that some of my most major personal problems started(and ended) with that relationship. I don't feel safe having a personal relationship with her because of the pain I know it always leads to and I am very angry about a lot of things. She always tries to come back acting like something has changed but I've given her too many chances to change. Why should I risk my own well-being for her? Life without her has been absolutely great these last 6 months that I've avoided her and I've realized that I don't need her to be me... Cutting off that relationship was doing what's best for me, I know that now. I've been doing a lot of things for my well being lately and I'm finally starting to have some positive feelings about myself and my self worth. It's a long long road though to get where I want... But I'm finally feeling like I am making headway now that I've cut these toxic people out of my life.
I used to feel so ashamed about being angry... But if you can figure out what you're angry about you'll see that it is something to be upset about... I tell you that but I still haven't completetly convinced myself yet... It's a work in progress like i said... In the ideal world you can approach issues calmly and get through them... In this world, sometimes I get angry and it's okay. I'll get through it. I might cry afterwards but I have to speak my piece, and I can't lie about how I feel about something. That's all I got. Don't know if you can take anything from it but maybe to just think about whether it's okay or not to be: irritated(like I am at this lady behind me) and angry.
As a little side note, I've been told that anger is just a mask put over the true emotions underneath... In my experience this is often true. Sometimes I get angry about something and it just falls away to tears. Like when I'm angry at a family member but I love them so much and it just doesn't feel right. I guess I'm trying to be more honest with myself... I won't say this is always the case though because there are many things I feel very angry about and only time is going to heal them. Or maybe I'll just always be a little resentful, but when it comes to getting past fierce emotions, you can't just apologize them away. That much I know. If I get really angry, then there is definitely something to be upset about.
Well, apologies are in order at times of course. And I've been very ME centered in this posting... But really my 2 cents is that anger is okay. I don't tell anybody else what emotions to feel, and they can't tell me what to feel. That's about it.
I used to feel so ashamed about being angry... But if you can figure out what you're angry about you'll see that it is something to be upset about... I tell you that but I still haven't completetly convinced myself yet... It's a work in progress like i said... In the ideal world you can approach issues calmly and get through them... In this world, sometimes I get angry and it's okay. I'll get through it. I might cry afterwards but I have to speak my piece, and I can't lie about how I feel about something. That's all I got. Don't know if you can take anything from it but maybe to just think about whether it's okay or not to be: irritated(like I am at this lady behind me) and angry.
As a little side note, I've been told that anger is just a mask put over the true emotions underneath... In my experience this is often true. Sometimes I get angry about something and it just falls away to tears. Like when I'm angry at a family member but I love them so much and it just doesn't feel right. I guess I'm trying to be more honest with myself... I won't say this is always the case though because there are many things I feel very angry about and only time is going to heal them. Or maybe I'll just always be a little resentful, but when it comes to getting past fierce emotions, you can't just apologize them away. That much I know. If I get really angry, then there is definitely something to be upset about.
Well, apologies are in order at times of course. And I've been very ME centered in this posting... But really my 2 cents is that anger is okay. I don't tell anybody else what emotions to feel, and they can't tell me what to feel. That's about it.
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solitary man
Member
"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." Benjamin Disraeli
Hi TJ,
I too use to feel guilty for feeling angry, and would go out my way to make sure I never showed it. I'm also very afraid of letting my anger go, because I fear that I may hurt myself or someone around me.
And I'm still trying to deal with the issue in my sessions.
I know I also internalize any anger that people may have, even though it's not directed at me.
I have to realize that I don't have to take ownership of anyone else's feelings of my own.
Yes, it's a little egocentric of me to think that I'm the reason for everyone's problems, but it's a very slow and hard process to break that way of thinking.
I think the main reason why my ex-friend and I became such good friends in the first place is the same reason our friendship ended.
We both saw ourselves in each other, both good and bad.
And having been diagnosed with having a Schizoid Personality disorder, making friends, especially very close ones, is not easy for me.
I've told people that I have a great wall around my heart, and now I've added a moat, and in the moat are some very angry sharks!
Hi TJ,
I too use to feel guilty for feeling angry, and would go out my way to make sure I never showed it. I'm also very afraid of letting my anger go, because I fear that I may hurt myself or someone around me.
And I'm still trying to deal with the issue in my sessions.
I know I also internalize any anger that people may have, even though it's not directed at me.
I have to realize that I don't have to take ownership of anyone else's feelings of my own.
Yes, it's a little egocentric of me to think that I'm the reason for everyone's problems, but it's a very slow and hard process to break that way of thinking.
I think the main reason why my ex-friend and I became such good friends in the first place is the same reason our friendship ended.
We both saw ourselves in each other, both good and bad.
And having been diagnosed with having a Schizoid Personality disorder, making friends, especially very close ones, is not easy for me.
I've told people that I have a great wall around my heart, and now I've added a moat, and in the moat are some very angry sharks!
solitary man
Member
I'd like to know what is it about the human condition that makes us miss the things that are bad for us.
It's been almost 5 months since I ran into my ex-friend, things are going good, then out of the blue, the feelings of melancholy hit me like a brick wall.
I was over at a friend's place helping him with computer, and he logged into his Facebook account.
Of course, against my better judgement I had him check to see if my ex-friend had an account.
We found it, and all the feelings of regret came back.
I can look back at the friendship from a different perspective now, and realize I'm no longer that person anymore.
Had I met him today, I probably would not have become friends with him, but the feelings are still there.
I've tried examing the feelings, I've tried blocking out the feelings, but they still come and go.
It's been almost 5 months since I ran into my ex-friend, things are going good, then out of the blue, the feelings of melancholy hit me like a brick wall.
I was over at a friend's place helping him with computer, and he logged into his Facebook account.
Of course, against my better judgement I had him check to see if my ex-friend had an account.
We found it, and all the feelings of regret came back.
I can look back at the friendship from a different perspective now, and realize I'm no longer that person anymore.
Had I met him today, I probably would not have become friends with him, but the feelings are still there.
I've tried examing the feelings, I've tried blocking out the feelings, but they still come and go.
Sparrow
Member
Hi Solitary Man
Really good question SM, reminds me of the nature of human reality and I don't pretend to know all the answers.
Have you ever heard the saying "Idleness is the mother of all vices"? I'm not implying anything to you and do not know your situation at all. Just maybe food for thought to you.
Also, your post today made me go back and read about your original friends post month's ago in Jan. or so. I'm probably certifiably wacko :crazy: but your friend (he/she/whatever) stuck me as an... angel. One that came and went. If you know what I mean.
Stay well.
Really good question SM, reminds me of the nature of human reality and I don't pretend to know all the answers.
Have you ever heard the saying "Idleness is the mother of all vices"? I'm not implying anything to you and do not know your situation at all. Just maybe food for thought to you.
Also, your post today made me go back and read about your original friends post month's ago in Jan. or so. I'm probably certifiably wacko :crazy: but your friend (he/she/whatever) stuck me as an... angel. One that came and went. If you know what I mean.
Stay well.
solitary man
Member
No Sparrow, I don't think you're crazy.
I am firm believer that people come in and out of lives to teach us the lessons we need to learn.
As for my ex-friend being an angel....hmmmm....no.
More like a haunting from the Ghost of Christmas Future, or at least the Ghost of what could have been.
Had I not gotten the help I so desperately needed, I would have ended up like him...full of self pity and cowardly for not accepting responsibility for my own unhappiness.
I'm finding it hard to forgive myself for the things I said out of anger, and I'm also angry at him for casting aside our friendship when we hit a rough patch.
I guess sometimes with age, maturity is not a guarrantee.
There are days I wish I could be like Dorian Grey...no remorse or regret for you actions.
Granted, there's that thing with that pesky portrait.
I am firm believer that people come in and out of lives to teach us the lessons we need to learn.
As for my ex-friend being an angel....hmmmm....no.
More like a haunting from the Ghost of Christmas Future, or at least the Ghost of what could have been.
Had I not gotten the help I so desperately needed, I would have ended up like him...full of self pity and cowardly for not accepting responsibility for my own unhappiness.
I'm finding it hard to forgive myself for the things I said out of anger, and I'm also angry at him for casting aside our friendship when we hit a rough patch.
I guess sometimes with age, maturity is not a guarrantee.
There are days I wish I could be like Dorian Grey...no remorse or regret for you actions.
Granted, there's that thing with that pesky portrait.
Sparrow
Member
Hey Solitary Man,
Keep the spirit...and maybe ditch the ghost, they rattle too much.
Gee :think:... that sure sounds like my scenario.
Keep the spirit...and maybe ditch the ghost, they rattle too much.
Gee :think:... that sure sounds like my scenario.
solitary man
Member
His birthday is coming up this Wednesday, and a part of me wants to at least phone him to say Happy Birthday.
The other part is telling me not to bother, as he probably wouldn't even take my call, or erase my message on his voice mail.
Why do I have this great need to be liked by someone who doesn't give 2 cents about me?
The other part is telling me not to bother, as he probably wouldn't even take my call, or erase my message on his voice mail.
Why do I have this great need to be liked by someone who doesn't give 2 cents about me?
Hi solitary man. I viewed your post earlier and wanted to tell you I could understand. Unfortunately, I'm in no position to provide advice of any assistance - I too seek people who I know aren't good for me. I think that I would link this to a type of co-dependence. By the by, this is really new knowledge for me - a few months ago, I thought my behaviours were normal. So you see, I guess I shouldn't provide you with advice. But, I wanted to tell you that I could relate and that you were in my thoughts.
Take care,
Take care,
solitary man
Member
Thanks Jazzey.
It's so easy to give advice to other people in a similar situation, but we fail to follow the same advice in our lives.
I feel like I have 2 different people residing in my head, one who wants everyone to like him at all costs, and the other person who sees people for who they really are, and prefers to be alone.
Sometimes it feels like a roller coaster that never ends.
I just want to get off the damn ride already!:funny:
It's so easy to give advice to other people in a similar situation, but we fail to follow the same advice in our lives.
I feel like I have 2 different people residing in my head, one who wants everyone to like him at all costs, and the other person who sees people for who they really are, and prefers to be alone.
Sometimes it feels like a roller coaster that never ends.
I just want to get off the damn ride already!:funny:
Wow - Solitary man, I think you may be in very good company! I can relate to everything that you have expressed. I so want to present this strong front that isn't concerned about what others believe and yet, I constantly do the opposite. I'm forever being exploited (financially / emotionally etc..) by a variety of people in my life because I think on some level I'm seeking their approval. The worst is that I'm not convinced I'm getting their approval - I think they may actually see a bit of an idiot in me for falling prey to the same traps over and over again. So, I understand the roller coaster ride too well...Let's both get off that ride!!
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