Losing friends as you're getting better

[solitary man]

Well life works sometimes in mysterious ways.

I woke up this morning to the song "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera, which was befitting how I was feeling.

I realized that all the hurt and pain I was feeling has been left in the past.

I guess I am getting better, before this would have dwelled on me for ages.

And to put the cherry on my ice cream sundae, I got a promotion at work!

I'll be moving to another location, never having to see my ex-friend ever again!!!!!!

Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!

Although I must admit with the way I think, at first I thought I was being punished for all the drama, but my boss said that the company loves my good work and they want to keep me happy!

I also sent my ex-friend an apology email, because I had sent him a nasty, though rightfully, email, telling him exactly what I thought of him.

It felt good to send it, but later I realized, that being nasty is not my style.

If he accepts or not, that's his problem.

I wished him great love, peace and happiness for the future.


Another song that is quite befitting, which has been playing on mp3 player, and quite heavily, is Alanis Morissette's "Ironic", especially this verse:

"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face".


Thanks for letting me vent. May your good wishes be returned to you ten-fold.:dimples:

 

[Into The Light]

congratulations on the promotion!! :goodjob:
and congratulations on not dwelling on this like you would have in the past. that is huge :yahoo:

 

[Halo]

Congratulations on the promotion, Solitary Man :yahoo:

 

[solitary man]

Well unfortunately, my attempt to extend the proverbial olive branch did not go over well.

I wasn't expecting it to, especially after the first email I sent.

I text message him the next day, again, profusely apologizing for my behaviour, but he replied that he couldn't be bothered anymore.

A few more words were said, and I now know that the friendship is over.

I will remember the good times, and I do feel bad for the way things ended, but I knew it was a long time coming.

I am hurt, but maybe not as much had the friendship ended quickly.

What connected us quickly was the fact that we both were in a very dark, and we found in each other a person to commiserate with.

Looking back, I realize that once I started feeling better, he started pulling away, which made me feel guilty for feeling better.

At the end of the day, it just left feeling exhausted and emotionally drained.

I know this is going to hurt for awhile, but a good friend reminded to not focus all my energy on the one person who hates, but to spend your energy on the people who love you.

Friday will be my last day that we'll ever cross paths.

 

[Halo]

Solitary Man,

Losing anyone in your life hurts and it will take time to grieve the loss but as time passes the hurt becomes less and less. You seem to already have acknowledged that the friendship was not the healthiest one for you and although that is a really great thing that you have done for yourself, it still doesn't take away the pain from the loss of the friendship. Whether it was healthy or unhealthy, it is still a loss to be grieved. I am sure it will help as well that you won't have to see him on a daily basis anymore either.

Take care

 

[Auburn]

solitary man

I have read all of these postings, and I completely understand. I am sorry that you have lost something that was once dear to you, but, I think it is necessary. I too have come very close to losing friends while I was "getting better" I think some of my friends liked it better when I was falling apart. It finally came to a head, and I had to set them straight. They didn't like it at all, but I couldn't and wouldn't worry about it. They had to love me and accept the person I was and am, or they couldn't.
You need to take care of you, and if that means that you have to leave some baggage behind, than you must. I know that doesn't relieve the sadness you will feel, but just know that you are doing what is best for you.
Good luck in your new position. Enjoy it and revel in yourself!

 

[solitary man]

Thanks for the replies.

I do find myself, re-living the good times over and over in my head, which causes me to miss the friendship even more.

Every so often though, I remind myself to also remember the bad times, which out weigh the good times by a far mile.

I don't feel guilty for finally standing up for myself, and I'm grateful for the experience, both good and bad, no matter how bad it feels right now.

My only regret is some of the hurtful things I said out of anger, because I know it's something a person always remember, no matter how many years have passed.

And no amount of apologies will ever rectify the situation.


Note to self: re-read your posts before hitting "Submit"...my brain thinks faster than I type, and I end up missing words in my posts.:funny:

 

[rebecca8]

Hey Solitary Man,
I caught up on your posts. I can really identify with your experiences. You're a very strong soul. I think people who come into our lives for short periods of time, and we have intense connections with right away, those people are our master teachers. They teach us lessons quickly, and thoroughly, and we never forget. They are like medicine, and only needed for a short time, or they become poisonous to us. Maybe, he came into your life to teach you to open up your heart. Someone who hurt me very much taught me to open my heart, even though he broke it. I'll never forget him, but I also am so much stronger for it. It's like he prepared me for something greater. Anyway, with my ex-best friend, we both said some things out of anger that we regretted. It's been over a year, and I really can't remember a thing she said to me, nor what I said to her. Don't worry so much about that, people do forget the details. I know exactly what you mean though, you don't want to be the type of person who says nasty things. I felt like that at first, but then thought that it was an act of self love to stand up for myself. And you know that saying......when you love yourself......Be proud of yourself Solitary Man, relationships are hard! The right ones are so worth it.

 

[ladylore]

Hey Solitary Man,
I caught up on your posts. I can really identify with your experiences. You're a very strong soul. I think people who come into our lives for short periods of time, and we have intense connections with right away, those people are our master teachers. They teach us lessons quickly, and thoroughly, and we never forget. They are like medicine, and only needed for a short time, or they become poisonous to us. Maybe, he came into your life to teach you to open up your heart.

I love your outlook Rebecca and I agree with this perspective. :agree:

 

[solitary man]

Hey Rebecca,

Thanks for the great words of wisdom.

I too believe that people come into our lives to teach lessons about ourselves, and I even mentioned that to my ex-friend several times.

I even thanked him in person and in writing for helping me on my journey on becoming a better man.

Looking back, I realize the person that I use to be was very closed off, and always avoided getting too close to people.

I was closer to him than I am with my own family.

You're right on the money when you speak of medicine becoming poisonous.

It's like having too much candy, after awhile you're left with nothing but a stomach ache and more junk in your trunk.

Sometimes, no matter how much you want to save a relationship, you just have to let go when it becomes emotionally draining.

I had mentioned to a co-worker that I'm feeling sad remembering the good times my ex-friend and I had last summer, and he mentioned that I should just forget them.

I want to honour the fact that I did have fun, probably one my best summers in a long time, and I want to remember my ex-friend the way he was last year, and not how bitter and angry he came when everything ended.

Plus, now that he's dead to me....well, you know what they say about the dead.

Don't speak badly about the dead, for they'll come back to haunt you in your dreams.

 

[rebecca8]

You know what else I noticed that's kinda freaky? Certain people that we meet, and feel that connection to seem to be mirror images of ourselves in many ways. It's like we subconsciously attract and are attracted to those that possess the attributes within ourselves that we'd like to change or even enhance the most. We can't really see our character features like we can see our physical features in an actual mirror. Other people are our mirrors. The guy that broke my heart was the male version of me, and I became confused and thought that we should be together because of that. Now, I'm starting to realize how he helped me to see what needed attention so I could change for the better. Of course, I often miss the good times with either him or my ex-friend, but I think that might be because I haven't created new good times yet. It's really hard, and takes awhile I guess.
Hehe, junk in your trunk.........could you also be referring to emotional baggage? Time for some Spring cleaning!

 

[solitary man]

That's right!

It's time to clear away the cobwebs of yesteryear and crack the windows to let some fresh air in!


Not to mention, get rid of all this freakin' snow already!!!!

Oy vey!!

 

[ladylore]

That's right!

It's time to clear away the cobwebs of yesteryear and crack the windows to let some fresh air in!


Not to mention, get rid of all this freakin' snow already!!!!

Oy vey!!

I'm with you on that one Solitary Man!!

 

[solitary man]

Hey Rebecca,

I was thinking of your post all day.

You're right about finding your mirror image in some else.

I know that's why I connected with him so quickly and so deeply.

We were both had jobs that we depised greatly, plus had issues with things that we carried since our youth.

After I made the decision to take the meds, plus quit my truly awful job ( one the greatest days of my life!), that's when everything started going downhill.

I realized today, as I was walking home, I really feel great!

Had I known earlier by letting go of a toxic relationship would have made me feel this good, I would have done sooner.

I still kick myself for some of the things I said out of hurt and anger, but I did wish him love, peace and great happiness, which I hope he finds.

I'm just no longer drinking his brand of kool-aid anymore!

 

[solitary man]

Despite finally realizing that this friendship was not good for me, and even though it's been a few weeks since the friendship ended, the things I said out of anger and hurt are dwelling on my conscience.

I've been debating with myself on whether or not to send him a card with an apology for the things I said.

I know it won't repair the friendship, and I wouldn't go back to it even I could, but I do feel bad.

I know for a fact it may never get further than the garbage can, but it's something my gut is telling me to do.

 

[Into The Light]

maybe you can write out the apology and what you would like to say. then sleep on it for a few days and see what you think then, if it still feels right or not. if so, then do it.

 

[Halo]

ITL has a great idea. Sometimes writing out what you need to say to someone but never sending them the letter is helpful enough. I would definitely try it and see if it works.

Good luck and let us know how it goes :goodluck:

 

[solitary man]

That sounds like a plan. The words have been rattling around in my head for the past while, so I need put them down on paper, to hopefully give me some kind of peace.

I've been seeing my doctor for almost 2 years now, and today was the first time I actually cried.

It's not something I'm use to doing, even alone, but I couldn't keep the water works from flowing.
I've tried to live by the British Motto: Stiff Upper Lip.

 

[rebecca8]

I agree with the suggestions above. Oh man, do I wish I didn't ACTUALLY send my letter of apology. It was like I was admitting that I had no right to say or behave the way that I did. Everybody gets angry, why do some others feel that they are not entitled to express it outwardly? I never received any response from those that I've apologized to, it seemed that I just bruised their egos, and they didn't fully understand my reasons for being upset. All I was doing in my situations was standing up for myself, so if that's what you were doing, then you really don't have to apologize for that. Maybe you are having a reaction to your new found self love? Perhaps in the past, you focused your anger inward, and now it just feels weird that you expressed it directly to someone else. I know that feeling of guilt. I thought apologizing would get rid of it, but it just made me feel worse because I took back my anger, and kept it inside for way longer than I should have. I don't know what you said to your friend, but sometimes people need to be told the cold hard truth. Once I told this guy that I realized he was truly a liar, a drunk, and a big coward. I felt sooooooooo stupid afterwards, and I thought how could I be so mean. I think partly because of my meanness though, he decided to move back home out of the city because he wanted to go back to school, and he thought he really was drinking and partying too much. So maybe my nastiness did him some good. It did me some good too for many reasons I won't go into. Well, I hope I didn't bore you with my story, and I hope that you can work through your feelings. If you really want to send the letter, make sure you do it for the right reasons. In all honesty, I think I did it because it's scary to let go, I feel like I'll be a lone wolf forever. But, I keep trying to remind myself that these people no longer serve a purpose in my life anymore. Also, sometimes what you perceive as mean is really not all that bad. Losing a friend warrants a grieving period too. Give yourself some time for that. If you feel bad for your friend because you worry that he has no one else, he will be fine, he found you didn't he?

 

[solitary man]

Hey Rebecca,

Thanks for your post.

I do regret what I said, only because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of hateful words, and I've always vowed never to treat anyone, no matter how deserving they are, the same way.

I know my apology probably won't go over well, but I'm doing it for me, to give myself peace of mind.

There is a small part of me that hopes that my card will be the proverbial olive branch, but I won't be such a pushover the next time.

I'm more worried for myself, that'll I'll never find a friend again, and you think it would be easier as we get older.

I am grateful, in a strange way for everything that has happened.

I can see how far I've come, but also realize that I have many more things to overcome.

And if he hates me, well take a number and wait your turn.